This is a strange one

[SherrySher]

Do you guys think it’s possible that she is afraid to take a chance?

 

It doesn't read to me like that, it sounds more like she's used to her own way all the time and you have no say. Why would you want a relationship that one sided?

 

The way she blocks you and dumps you so easily as well, shows that she's not as into you as you want her to be. She's not behaving the way she is out of fear, she's doing it to show you she can take or leave you, she's not bothered too much one way or the other.

 

It does sound like you really want her to care like you do and that you want it to work, but you're forcing it and jumping through her hoops.

It's slightly making you look desperate. Relationships aren't supposed to be this drama filled or make you feel subservient.

[Keyman]

You know what really gets me? Is that the time we were good was so good and thinking about her in that setting makes me sad because it’s not going to be with me. And I like her too much to say “f it I don’t care.” I’m not a knight in shining armor but I know I’d do the best I could to make her happy. Making my partner happy is how I’m happy.

 

To be honest, from the dating scene, many women these days get turned off by this very Beta approach. They don't want a push over man who will do everything they want at the snap of the fingers. There's no challenge to that, no sense of excitement, just a lapdog who will do whatever they say to keep them happy.

 

And, if making your partner happy, makes you happy, are you terribly unhappy when you are single with a desperate need to get into a relationship?

 

I see double standards in her. She shuts you down and blocks you as a way of dealing with issues, but if you go quiet to contemplate something, then she gets wound up for not sharing.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you were both honest about why it wouldn't work out. Agree it's better to cut your losses early on.Go no contact and focus on school and work.

“our lifestyles, goals, distance, and past experiences are too different.” She said “my feelings got really strong and I feel like it’s best to end them before anyone gets really hurt here.” .

[IAmFCA]

Building on Keyman's post: When a man tells me that he is happy when i am happy, I look for exits. I feel pressure to communicate how happy he's made me, to make sure he is happy.

 

Bottom line: Happiness comes from within. Anyone who thinks it comes from external sources will be perpetually unhappy; I can't make anyone else happy if they aren't happy already.

[captaindrey]

I think this may have been misunderstood. I don’t act like I would bend over backwards for her happiness. And I would never use the “all I want to do is make you happy” approach. I’d look for exits too.

It’s just a strange situation because nothing was wrong except for her idealization of the future.

Just as a little side story, Valentine’s Day we didn’t see each other bc we both worked. We were going to spend the next day together but she was feeling ill and eventually we bounced the idea of me coming down but decided that it was probably better to do the next day. Next day we went back and forth because she was still feeling bad but I didn’t give her a hard time. A few hours later she called and thanked me for being patient and told me she’d come up to see me. She did and we had a great time.

Next weekend she came up and we went to a friends get together. It was her first time meeting that group of friends. On the car ride back she was asking if she did ok (silly question) and I said of course. Even my friends said she was acting to impress which made them very surprised when I told them the next morning didn’t go as well.

She said we should take a few weeks off hugged me and left. I tried to call her for an unrelated reason (there was an accident near my house that involved a car just like hers) but I discovered my calls were blocked. She eventually unblocked me and called to talk about it and I was still in a state of disbelief so it didn’t click that my silence that morning made her feel uncomfortable. We talked about it a little and she said that we should just end it. A few days later she said her feelings got too strong and she didn’t want us to get hurt down the road.

I just don’t see those as actions of someone that was losing interest. I could be wrong.

We did see each other again and had a great time. Now it’s been quiet for the past few days. I always move on.

[Billie28]

Do you guys think it’s possible that she is afraid to take a chance? I know she likes me and she said her feelings got really strong and that’s the reason she wants to stop this- so no one gets too hurt.

Minus her actions to prove her feelings, for someone that knows what a block button is, saying that was a lot of effort. Am I wrong to not doubt her feelings?

 

*i never blew her phone up with messages

 

She is not afraid to take a chance at all. She simply doesn’t want to be with you.

She blocked you because you are not someone she wants to be with. She unblocked you for the temporary feel good factor you provided and still are.

 

Why are you doing that?

[captaindrey]

She is not afraid to take a chance at all. She simply doesn’t want to be with you.

She blocked you because you are not someone she wants to be with. She unblocked you for the temporary feel good factor you provided and still are.

 

Why are you doing that?

 

She’s blocked and unblocked me multiple times. If I had been overbearing or insulted her etc., I get the blocking part but it was completely unwarranted. It happened in the very beginning also. That was a weird situation when I took her to a play but it wasn’t very good. She said I was treating her like a cheap date and before I could speak she was gone and I was blocked. Red flag, I know. She later called and apologized which I appreciated.

The whole block/unblock thing hasn’t lasted for more than a few hours.

[Andrina]

She said we should take a few weeks off hugged me and left. I discovered my calls were blocked. and she said that we should just end it. A few days later she said her feelings got too strong and she didn’t want us to get hurt down the road.

I just don’t see those as actions of someone that was losing interest.

 

Take a few weeks off? Like you're a toxin she's running away from? If someone had ever told me they needed a break from me, I'd say make it permanent, since a guy who was into me would be looking forward to seeing me again.

 

When someone is acting like she is, and saying what she's saying, she knows there's a big risk of losing you forever, and she's okay with that. Her comment about her feelings getting too strong and not wanting to be hurt is nonsense. Technically, if the statement is factual, it would mean that she's into short term relationships and she will make an exit when she starts having feelings. I doubt what she's stating is how she really feels, but let's say it's factual. It then means you two have different life goals, so it will never work. Because obviously you want something long term.

 

As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Therefore, if you took her back, when you think things are going great, she will once again say she needs a break and then will block you. And as Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

 

Your low self esteem needs boosting, because someone with self worth would be moving on after her shenanigans, not trying to find out if she really cares as much as he does and take her back with open arms if she asked.

[jul-els]

She’s blocking you and you’re wondering why. Whenever someone blocks you, it’s because they don’t want to talk to you. That’s why. But instead of her telling you she doesn’t want to talk to you, she just blocks you. Which shows a great deal of immaturity on her part as well as a strong inability to communicate. Underlined by the fact that she simply doesn’t care or have much respect for you. She is very self-centered. People are their actions. They speak with their actions. Listen to what she’s telling you instead of asking yourself why. The only question you should be asking yourself is if this is the way you deserve and want to be treated.

[captaindrey]

You guys are right. I didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment.

[DancingFool]

What attracts you to a woman who will treat you like absolute dirt? Serious question to ask yourself.

 

When she acts like a complete jerk to you, instead of dumping her and walking away, your reaction is to ask her "how much higher you should jump to please her better next time." That's really self destructive of you. You are begging a person to mistreat you and rewarding them by sticking around and trying even harder. So so toxic to yourself.

 

Conflict in relationships happens, but you do want to explore what is and isn't acceptable kind of conflict. For example, silent treatment, blocking/unblocking games should always be a hard NO. Maybe spend some time thinking what healthy communication looks like and when someone displays the opposite of that, learn to walk away immediately.

[Wiseman2]

This and the block/unblock games are enough to walk away, particularly after a few mos.

nothing was wrong except for her idealization of the future.

[captaindrey]

I wouldn’t say I did anything to “win” her back. In fact, I’ve been consistently level headed in terms of treating her how I would treat any girl I’m dating (except for the part where I’m still wondering). I guess I’m just trying to rationalize irrational behavior which is why I’m talking about it.

I know what will be said- my behavior is also irrational.

[boltnrun]

If eating shellfish caused an allergic reaction , would the correct solution be to "take a break" from shellfish and then eat some more?

 

She keeps doing this because you keep going back every time she wants you to. She views you as a pushover because you're acting like one.

[catfeeder]

If someone's conflict resolution skills amounted to dropping me cold over every issue, I'd be over that person pretty quickly. I'd ask myself, "Do I want to tap-dance around trying to impress this person, or do I want real simpatico with someone who 'gets me' and can communicate like an adult?"

 

I can't speak for you, but that's an easy question for me to answer.

[captaindrey]

If someone's conflict resolution skills amounted to dropping me cold over every issue, I'd be over that person pretty quickly. I'd ask myself, "Do I want to tap-dance around trying to impress this person, or do I want real simpatico with someone who 'gets me' and can communicate like an adult?"

 

I can't speak for you, but that's an easy question for me to answer.

Understandable. She got me by apologizing and actually rationalizing why her behavior was wrong. I’ve never seen that done so I figured maybe she just needs time to become comfortable and trust me.

[reinventmyself]

because nothing was wrong except for her idealization of the future.

 

And there in lies the problem. Her views are her prerogative, after all. Is it any ones place to try and change them?

 

She has poor communication/conflict skills and whether or not you are trying too hard, she definitely has some issues to work through before she becomes relationship material.

 

Too scared, not feelin' it. Neither of these a relationship make.

 

The running away, blocking, unblocking just to do it again is something an 18 year old would do. Not a 30 year old woman.

All in all, the end result it this makes you question yourself and your worth.

 

Not a good start for a 5 month relationship. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period after all.

It's the time we are on our best behavior . .if this is her best. . . ?

[SherrySher]

I know you want to make her out to be some kind of poor puppy, but in reality, when you have conflict and she blocks, it's like a spoilt child stomping their foot, having a tantrum and punishing.

 

It's not how an adult behaves.

 

If there is an issue that arises, she should be talking to you, working things out together. Not making you the bad guy and having a fit like that. It's a sign of immaturity and selfishness.

[DancingFool]

Understandable. She got me by apologizing and actually rationalizing why her behavior was wrong. I’ve never seen that done so I figured maybe she just needs time to become comfortable and trust me.

 

Apologizing and then rationalizing is the opposite of actual meaningful apology. She is basically saying sorry but really not sorry because she is justified in acting the way that she did. It's highly manipulative on her part and she knows good and well what she is doing.

[reinventmyself]

`I am sorry, but'

[captaindrey]

`I am sorry, but'

No I meant as in “I’m sorry it was wrong to me to act that way. I did this and that and I realize it.” That kind of apology.

[reinventmyself]

No I meant as in “I’m sorry it was wrong to me to act that way. I did this and that and I realize it.” That kind of apology.

 

Thanks for the clarification. That appears to be a sincere apology.

But in these moments, where she catches herself and owns her actions, is there any change?

[DancingFool]

No I meant as in “I’m sorry it was wrong to me to act that way. I did this and that and I realize it.” That kind of apology.

 

So she realizes it but does it anyway. Look no matter how you want to spin it, she is not a very good human being. She is old enough to control herself, know better, and to go address her issues instead of taking it out on people around her. She does what she does because it works for her and because this manipulative "apology" throws some people off. She is still turning the tables on you by acting like a jerk and making herself out to be a victim that you feel sorry for. This entire thread is pretty much that - you wanting to feel bad for her and be more understanding of her "issues". You are not a therapist and she is toxic. What attracts you to this?

[MissCanuck]

I have to wonder if she's got another guy in the wings somewhere, OP.

[captaindrey]

Who knows maybe she does although it would be strange since were both back on a dating app. I wouldn’t have been at her house last Friday if that was the case. I would imagine she’d have him over.