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30M, getting older, worse looking and women dont like me


Ross88
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Hi all

 

I've posted on here before a few times over the last few years. During them periods I was hung up on an ex gf that I had to break up with as I was moving away for my studies. Crazy thing is despite that being almost 4 years ago I still think about her. I think that by not meeting anyone i have liked who has been attracted to me since has exacerbated the situation though.

 

I'm currently working following a second spell at college. The job pays okay, but I dont overly enjoy it and it can be stressful as it's in healthcare. I sometimes think about leaving this job and taking up a similar position nearer to my family as it can be lonely sometimes in this new city, although once every so often I'll go out with some workmates for a drink etc.

 

The main issue for me socially though is that I feel inferior to other guys my age as when I go out women pay them much more attention. I am losing my hair and when I look at photos from nights out I see my youth fading. Also, the girls in the group gravitate to the other guys and give me the cold shoulder. When I'm in the gym there are a few really attractive girls and I wish I could talk to them but once again they seem to avoid me and talk to the better looking guys. It sucks so bad.

 

I've already talked about my sexual issues which overwhelms me from time to time, as does my anxiety issues which always seems to affect my relationships if I find a girl i like. The last relationship also ended in part due to my anxiety getting the better of me until i pulled the trigger. Therefore it's as though theres a whole bunch of barriers that seems to stop me from finding a girl I like and having a good relationship with her. I've only ever experienced this sort of thing in short spells, but as I said as I get older and uglier my chances are getting fewer and farer between.

 

I'm just so fed up of being teased for my balding and the guys who do it go home with the girls while I end up alone again. Life just sucks sometimes.

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Your negativity is a poisonous vapor that women sense, and it acts like a repellent. There are plenty of men who have balding heads that do just fine. Confidence is what attracts women. If you don't feel good about yourself, keep comparing yourself to others out of insecurity, etc, you ain't gonna attract a flea.

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You need to get some help, because your negative, depressive attitude is what is making all this happen. First, notice you are only interested in the "really attractive" girls at the gym, but then are annoyed that girls dismiss you because of your looks -- ALL of this is extremely shallow. What is more, having friends who mock you shows you really are making bad people choices. Some reality -- plenty of guys I know had lost most if not all of their hair while really young, like 21. My best friend's husband was bald and grey at that age and got a really hot wife. Her son, also bald and grey at 21, just married a woman in medical school who is not only very pretty but got a free ride. My husband's closest friend was completely bald at 18 and was a huge ladies man until he settled down with a very high-quality woman in his 30s. You need to find a therapist, work on your depression and self esteem and do something about your life instead of moaning about how others still have hair. I am sure your unpleasant, biased attitude is what is turning women off, but you can do something about that.

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Have you sought a therapist and dealt with your depression? It is not your looks, but your insecurities and negativity.

 

I think that you need to expand your social life beyond the occasional drink out . Join groups that offer your hobbies/interests, volunteer, take classes, anything. You need to make your life more full.

 

Don't just focus on the hot girls, look for someone you have a connection with- you are guilty of what you accuse others of doing. You should also find better quality friends.

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Many women love men with shaved heads! In fact a couple of young women I work with put "bald (shaved)" as one of the main things they find attractive in men. One even said it's a requirement!

 

Maybe trying to find the most attractive woman in the room is a mistake. There are a LOT of less-attractive women out there who are being overlooked just as you say you are. How about approaching a less attractive but very sweet woman who would probably love to date you?

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One of my favourite male friends is bald. He's a great guy. Hair or lack of, is irrelevant, it's the person themselves that matters.

 

If you only ever want to talk to the attractive girls you'll likely be alone for a long time. Maybe you should check out the girls who are less attractive. Personality is so much more important.

 

If you are as depressed as you claim to be, you should seek therapy.

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Sorry to hear this. Get to the doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Do not let the anxiety and depression go untreated and hang out in bars drowning yourself or feeling sorry for yourself. That alone is a turn-off. You claim all the hot girls are going for your friends. That's not about hair. it's about being downcast, lacking confidence, ruminating, living in the past and inertia. The good news is you can get help for all this. Get to a doctor.

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I agree with Wiseman, it's not about hair, I have many girlfriends who have a thing for bald men. You need to change your attitude and boost your self-confidence, and probably make new friends too. Try approaching a different type of woman, you don't need go only for the really attractive ones.

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If you're limiting your chances of meeting women to an occasional drink with friends, that's part of the problem. Consider using dating apps to set up quick meets over coffee instead of trying to set up full dates. Agree to 20 - 30 minutes, neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date, and either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This addresses the context in which you meet women. However, if you carry a defeatist attitude into the deal, it's not attractive. I'd consider ways to expand your social life to bond with potential friends over an interest or activity rather than merely settling for drinks with people you never elected as friends but are thrown together as coworkers.

 

I'd also consider self help material and counseling to explore ways to address depression and your social life. If your work is transferable to your hometown where you are likely to thrive rather than remain in a city you don't enjoy, then I would consider that as well.

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Hi. Thanks for the replies. I do try to be positive and I am a nice guy and always try to be at least. I guess I am quite depressed and maybe therapy would be a good idea.

 

I also dont just go for really attractive girls. I worded that wrong really. I'd say I like cute girls not the stunning ones as I know I wouldnt get too far with them and we wouldnt be compatible. Even so I just dont seem to get far with them. I know people say you need to be confident but it's hard when people dont even want to talk to you and will make it blatantly obvious they're not interested even when I dont show any outward interest at all. Even when I try to put on a smile and be friendly people will act awkward around me or look away.

 

Part of me is tempted to move away to another country but I'll most likely have these issues elsewhere. I'm just not a people person I guess. All I want is a decent relationship and to occasionally see friends outside of work and I'd be quite happy.

 

I still think about my ex and what could have been. Sometimes it's hard to shake off and it can be paralyzing, albeit it has changed to a more dull ache over the years.

 

Some might say I need to be on meds but I tried them before and they didn't make much difference so theres no point. I've also tried therapy but I dont feel that helps me a great deal, especially my social situation. A lot of the time I'll go home to my parents on the weekend and spend most of my time with them, which for a guy of my age is not ideal.

 

Anyway. Thanks for reading. I'm just typing out my feelings really.

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Therapy and anti-depressants require time and investigation -- if a med is not working for you or making a difference, you discuss it with your doctor. If your therapist is not working for you, find another. Therapy is not one size fits all, you have to shop around for the right therapist and when you hit that one, you will know it. Also, both of these things take time, change over time, and require work. Going to talk to someone twice and saying it wasn't doing anything is not trying -- going twice and realizing that this therapist and you are not going to get a lot of work done means you go find someone else to work with.

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Therapy and anti-depressants require time and investigation -- if a med is not working for you or making a difference, you discuss it with your doctor. If your therapist is not working for you, find another. Therapy is not one size fits all, you have to shop around for the right therapist and when you hit that one, you will know it. Also, both of these things take time, change over time, and require work. Going to talk to someone twice and saying it wasn't doing anything is not trying -- going twice and realizing that this therapist and you are not going to get a lot of work done means you go find someone else to work with.

 

Yep. It makes no sense to say, "I don't like the way my life and my love life are failing to develop, but I'm not willing to invest the time, energy and money to change anything." In that case, what would you like for people to tell you?

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In response to the question my hobbies are football, gym and that's about it at the minute as I feel too tired to do anything after work. I occasionally will see a friend from back home at the weekend but hes moving to the other side of the world in a few months, as did my other best friend a few months ago.

 

I've looked in to signing up to courses in the evenings but nothing seems to appeal to me.

 

I think the route cause of my depression is my job and the lack of relationships I have with women etc and my anxiety/ocd which affects my relationships with people on a large scale. I've also touched on my sexual issues as a result of a botched operation I had which sometimes gets me down.

 

As you say, therapy might be another idea, I'll look in to it.

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In response to the question my hobbies are football, gym and that's about it at the minute as I feel too tired to do anything after work. I occasionally will see a friend from back home at the weekend but hes moving to the other side of the world in a few months, as did my other best friend a few months ago.

 

I've looked in to signing up to courses in the evenings but nothing seems to appeal to me.

 

I think the route cause of my depression is my job and the lack of relationships I have with women etc and my anxiety/ocd which affects my relationships with people on a large scale. I've also touched on my sexual issues as a result of a botched operation I had which sometimes gets me down.

 

As you say, therapy might be another idea, I'll look in to it.

 

Have you considered Meetups or looking into other groups that supporting and expanding your interests? Do you hike? Have you considered volunteering? I think it would be a good idea to expand your friend circle for self esteem.

 

Definitely seek out a therapist. Yo need to change what you are doing.

Edited by Hollyj
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Hey, I just wanted to share my thoughts. I'm your age (just turned 30). I 110% am sympathetic to your anxieties! This past like 4~ months for me were anxiety-ridden hell after a bad experience with a woman. It took medication and a lot of therapy to get on the other side of it. I'm not 100%, but I'm doing a lot better. I just wanted to tell you that, you are NOT alone. Be compassionate to yourself and understand what it happening. And understand that your anxieties, that is not your true self. Especially OCD if you are dealing with that (I have minor OCD symptoms that intertwine with the anxities).

 

You need to find a therapist and stick with them. I went to one therapist for a year and a half. She was great for some things, but wasn't helping me get past unwanted, ruminating thoughts, so I found another therapist better suited. This new one, I had a tough time going to at first. You know why? She was getting to the root of some of my issues, and making me talk about things that are uncomfortable to talk about. That is how you kinda make progress with that part of your life. Keeping things bottled up and ruminating in your thoughts is no good. My MD, I told him about my mental struggles, constantly worrying things, he put me on a popular antidepressant that has minimal sexual side effects. It so far seems to be making some different for me. I don't feel 100% happy (yet), but I am in a much much better place than I was a few months ago.

 

You need to take care of yourself mentally. The longer you let mental issues go unchecked, the worse they can get. And man, you need to quit worrying so much about how women see you. The other people here are right; not all women give a crap about a perfect hairline. I got about 90% of my hair still, just some minor loss up front (I been pretty blessed compared to the rest of the men in my family). It's just part of life, man. The other people here are right; it's not the hair, but the person wearing it. Women want someone who's happy with themselves, someone confidence and independent. Someone who is going to compliment their life and not complicate it. You mentioned your anxieties got the best of you. You need to work on that before dating again. One thing I've learned in life this past year. I've gotten a great job, a lot of money now, dated quite a few women. Those things don't really bring me happiness, or as much as I thought they would. If you're not happy with who you are and where you are in life, getting those things isn't going to magically make it better. Good luck, I hope you reach out for some help with your issues.

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Thanks for the replies, but how do you get over the fact that people treat better looking people more favourably and treat you like you're nothing. I was supposed to meet someone off of a dating app last night and I showed up to the place we were meeting only for her to not show up. Not even a message about not turning up. Nothing. Totally spiteful and rude. I'm sick of being treated bad by work colleagues also and just blatantly ignored by people and rejected by society.

 

On the way home on public transport there were couples cuddling up to eachother and I was alone dealing with that bs. I'm still the same person I was 10 years ago when I was much more handsome and people would give me the time of day.

 

At the minute I'm at my parents house for the weekend with my annoying dad who has never provided me with any advice or been a male role model of any sort. I'm only here as my only 2 good friends are off in other countries and I have nowhere else to go. No one wants to help and therapists just want your money. Nobody cares. Women always have a network around them and people will pander to them when you're down, as a guy noone does and you just have to suck it up

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Thanks for the replies, but how do you get over the fact that people treat better looking people more favourably and treat you like you're nothing. I was supposed to meet someone off of a dating app last night and I showed up to the place we were meeting only for her to not show up. Not even a message about not turning up. Nothing. Totally spiteful and rude. I'm sick of being treated bad by work colleagues also and just blatantly ignored by people and rejected by society.

 

On the way home on public transport there were couples cuddling up to eachother and I was alone dealing with that bs. I'm still the same person I was 10 years ago when I was much more handsome and people would give me the time of day.

 

At the minute I'm at my parents house for the weekend with my annoying dad who has never provided me with any advice or been a male role model of any sort. I'm only here as my only 2 good friends are off in other countries and I have nowhere else to go. No one wants to help and therapists just want your money. Nobody cares. Women always have a network around them and people will pander to them when you're down, as a guy noone does and you just have to suck it up

 

I'm sorry you got stood up, I been there. It takes a special type of crappy person to stand someone up on a date. At least have the dignity to text or call and say they don't wanna meet. You dodged a bullet with that one. Most dating apps I have tried have been pretty terrible. If you're on crap like tinder or even hinge, there's a lot of crappy people on there. I met the current lady I'm seeing on eHarmony. The service is expensive, but the price of admission absolutely weeds out the bad people I've found. There's a lot of great, professional women on there who are looking for someone to settle down with. The current lady I'm seeing I met on there, we been dating since January. We're taking our time, had our first kiss last weekend. :)

 

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your dad, I can relate on that subject. My dad's been a lifelong alcoholic, he never was a good role model to me. I've looked up to other people in my life instead of him. It's tough, though, cause you really want and need a parent sometimes for certain things. Even at our age, it's still nice to have a parent to go to for things in life. I was closer with my mom, and she died a few years ago, which was really hard on me.

 

I think, you just gotta have a little faith and optimism in life. I know you tried therapy. Not all of them are after money. They do that career path because they actually like their job and helping people. When they tell you to do and try things, you have to stick to it. I see you went to your doc for antidepressants. If they're not working, talk to your doc about trying some different ones. The right medications can make a world of difference. It really sounds to me like you need to improve your thought process. Women, they can smell the negativity a mile away. No one's perfect. I deal with anxiety and some depression now on a daily basis, but I don't let it control me. I've learned that, those things are not who I really am. Women, they want guys that have their stuff together. Not just a job, stability, but someone who's mentally sound. That saying you gotta love yourself before you love someone else comes into play. It sounds like you don't really love yourself right now. You have self-destructive thoughts. I hope you try to work on these things and get better.

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Hi

Sorry you're feeling so down on yourself, but I also think that's your problem.

 

Stereotypically, men are more prone to physical appearance for attraction, as they are very visual. However, women are stereotypically, more emotional and tend to fall for a guy that they feel safe and cared for by.

 

You are not confident enough to step up and take charge when surrounded by alpha males. Work on that and I think you'll be able to hold your own when out with the guys.

 

Many times in my life, I have found a man attractive once I got to know him. And I mean guys I initially did not find attractive in the least to start.

 

For example, I kinda hated this guy in my office. No personality it seemed in a group, not attractive physically imo. Then ine day we got assigned the same project. Once I worked with him one on one, my opinion changed. After all, I even laughed to myself when I had the thought "his wife is lucky"

 

obviously, that was a platonic relationship, but my whole opinion changed bc he was so kind, smart and considerate to work with. I never knew!

 

You just need to get the nerve to be an alpha male with the other guys, women will find that attractive.

 

Take heart, there are very few truly ugly people. and the fact that you hit the gym means you're working on your fitness. That's attractive!

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You need to do something about your depression, anxiety and ocd. See a professional. When you feel safe with who you are, your selfesteem will come too.

 

Girls like guys that are sure about who they are. Guys that are funny and laugh a lot. Attractive people smile more than others you know why? The smile MAKES them attractive.

 

A genuine smile attract people around you.

 

Then the next step. Talking to people. You can’t crack a joke to someone else before you have some kind of relationship or they will just look back at you and think you are wierd.

 

Relationship, it is that you have said hello a couple of times and started to talk. See how the other person reacts to stuff before you start bonding.

 

Maybe try to bond with some of the guys at the gym? It will make you more relaxed there and maybe you might find a new friend.

 

When you are relaxed, happy, content. The other things will just come by themselves.

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