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I have recently had an affair come to an end. I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children. Up until my affair started about 10 months ago i had not cheated on my wife. The girl i had an affair with is married with 2 children, she has had a previous affair but cut it off before we got together. I met her a few years prior to the affair starting and we got on really well, i fancied her but knew we were both married with kids so left it well alone.

 

About 10 months ago we bumped into each other on a night out in town, she propositioned me after a few drinks but nothing happened. I couldnt help think about it non stop from that moment on. And the following monday i contacted her, things progressed from there. We would message each other daily flirting and getting on and occasionally meeting up. After about 4 months we had sex and to be honest it was a disaster, however we would continue to message flirt and meet. We had sex again and each time it would improve. We also both tried to bring the affair to an end a number of times, but always ended getting back together. We have so many different opinions about stuff and argued lots, in fact more than i have in the 18 years with my spouse. Despite all of that i just couldnt let her go and she was the same with me.

 

Then what is the danger with all affairs we ended up falling in love with each other. We talked at length about what our future together would be like. We are not bad people and know this will destroy our spouses and families. We dont want our familes to know we are cheats its not the right thing for our children to believe, and subsequently i find i am trying to sabotage my marriage, it is not fair on my wife either.

 

The other girl has told me she is willing to leave her husband and family to be with me but only after a period of seperation from her husband. She wants me to do the same, i want to do the same but struggle with the guilt and the pain i will inflict on my family. I prefered to confess to the affair and accept the consequences for my actions. The other girl doesnt want us to do that and because i cannot give her a time frame for when i will leave my wife, we are finished. I am devastated and feel like a coward, i am confused but know it is unfair to stay with my wife as she deserves someone who loves her properly. I do love the other girl and want to be with her i just dont know what is the right thing to do.

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Ok. I think you should end it with your wife. But don't tell her you cheated. Save her feelings. Honesty is not the best policy.

 

Not in these instances. The only benefit of telling her is TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

 

You dont desrve to feel better! It will definitely destroy your wife and kids. The divorce will be hard enough.

 

Ask for a separation and leave.

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What would happen if you confessed your affair, and your wife didn't want to end the marriage?

 

Plenty of betrayed spouses find the pain so overwhelming that they're willing to try to work things out rather than separate. Would you ask for a divorce regardless?

 

At the end of the day, your affair partner doesn't get to control how you choose to end your marriage. She is protecting only her own skin here, because she knows if you confess, people will eventually find out that she is the Other Woman and it blow her world to smithereens too. She won't get to hide behind the false narrative that her marriage just naturally unraveled after she and hubs grew apart or something. (This is why she wants to be separated from her husband first, before going public with you, because she knows people will figure her out if she starts dating you right away)

 

Ask yourself this, too: Would you still end the marriage if you knew the chances of you living happily ever after with your OW were slim-to-nil? What happens if she chickens out and doesn't leave her husband? Or leaves, dates you for a while, and eventually goes back to him or moves on to someone else altogether?

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What would happen if you confessed your affair, and your wife didn't want to end the marriage?

 

Plenty of betrayed spouses find the pain so overwhelming that they're willing to try to work things out rather than separate. Would you ask for a divorce regardless?

 

At the end of the day, your affair partner doesn't get to control how you choose to end your marriage. She is protecting only her own skin here, because she knows if you confess, people will eventually find out that she is the Other Woman and it blow her world to smithereens too. She won't get to hide behind the false narrative that her marriage just naturally unraveled after she and hubs grew apart or something. (This is why she wants to be separated from her husband first, before going public with you, because she knows people will figure her out if she starts dating you right away)

 

Ask yourself this, too: Would you still end the marriage if you knew the chances of you living happily ever after with your OW were slim-to-nil? What happens if she chickens out and doesn't leave her husband? Or leaves, dates you for a while, and eventually goes back to him or moves on to someone else altogether?

These are goid points by MissCanuck....

 

Also what if the thrill of the affair is what kept you with her? You said you fought a lot, the sex took work.

 

Why do you want to be with her? Is there anything but the thrill of forbidden fruit going on here? Really think about it....

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As someone who has been in a similar situation, I would advise you to tread very carefully.

When you're in (or just out) of an affair which involved falling in love, you desperately want that feeling to last. Losing it can seem unbearable.

But affairs can be like living in a bubble. There is huge excitement, all the novelty of finding someone new and connecting with them physically and emotionally. However you've already hinted at arguments, sexual problems and attempted break ups. These and much more could cause real problems down the line.

 

Sit back for a moment and think of the consequences. Can you trust this girl to leave her husband and family? Even if she does, there is a strong possibility she could go back. Do you want to be responsible for breaking up her family? The truth about your affair will come out sooner or later and you will likely become a hate figure. She has had at least one previous affair. How do you know she won't do the same to you further down the line?

And what about your own family? Unless your marriage is clearly on the rocks (from what you've said it isn't) they will be devastated and most likely angry. They may even cut you out of their lives. Can you cope with all that animosity as well as the turmoil of a divorce and trying to sustain a relationship with your new partner?

 

This girl advises a period of separation from your spouses. That may well be a good idea for you even if she has already exited your life. 'Trying to sabotage' your marriage won't work. You either need to forget about your affair partner and concentrate on saving your marriage or tell your wife what has happened and make immediate preparations to leave.

Remember that many marriages do survive affairs but very few relationships born from affairs last long.

 

As I mentioned, I've been where you are and there is no judgement on my part. I'm just recommending that you sit back and consider your options and their likely consequences very carefully before making any major decisions. Good luck.

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People will tell you 'be moral, end it etc.' however if you were moral you wouldn't have 'flirted on a night out on the town' looking for trouble. It sounds like you are scared because these things never end well.

 

At best she'll go away without outing you and your wife won't find out. At worst it could be a messy expensive divorce, kids who hate you and a mistress who is no longer intriguing because the thrill of the cheat is gone. Both of you will go on to have affairs, so if you end up with her prepared to be cheated on.

About 10 months ago we bumped into each other on a night out in town, she propositioned me after a few drinks but nothing happened.

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Sounds to me like what you call "love" is really nothing more than an adrenaline rush borne out of conflict, lies, sneaking around, cheating, and lying. You aren't just lying to your spouse and kids, you are lying to yourself as well. The sex with this woman isn't good and conflict is constant. Perversely, that causes the adrenaline rush that you are confusing for something meaningful.

 

If you want a rush, go skydiving and quit cheating on your family and kids. In short, stop being a louse and stop fooling yourself and making a complete idiot out of yourself. Once word gets out on what you are doing, you'll find the consequences aren't very pretty and all that "looove" will turn to dust and self loathing.

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I mean two people leave their marriage and kids and quickly end up together... you may not respect your wife enough not to pretty damn extensively betray her, but give her credit for at least having the intelligence of a 2-year old.

 

Generally spreaking, I'm actually all about the cheater shouldering the guilt and not adding to the sin by demolishing their partner's sense of trust, but I can't see a conclusion where your wife can't at least piece it together. 10 month affair, serious talks of leaving your families... that's not the still-terrible-but-not-nearly-as-terrible excuse of a drunken "whoops." At no point do you entertain just ending the affair. Sounds like you're determined to keep it going while married or carry through with the fantasy you and this other woman have drawn up. It sounds like the best you can do is tell your wife now so that she can get her ducks in a row and not suffer the betrayal once you and this lady are out in the open.

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As someone who has been in a similar situation, I would advise you to tread very carefully.

When you're in (or just out) of an affair which involved falling in love, you desperately want that feeling to last. Losing it can seem unbearable.

But affairs can be like living in a bubble. There is huge excitement, all the novelty of finding someone new and connecting with them physically and emotionally. However you've already hinted at arguments, sexual problems and attempted break ups. These and much more could cause real problems down the line.

 

Sit back for a moment and think of the consequences. Can you trust this girl to leave her husband and family? Even if she does, there is a strong possibility she could go back. Do you want to be responsible for breaking up her family? The truth about your affair will come out sooner or later and you will likely become a hate figure. She has had at least one previous affair. How do you know she won't do the same to you further down the line?

And what about your own family? Unless your marriage is clearly on the rocks (from what you've said it isn't) they will be devastated and most likely angry. They may even cut you out of their lives. Can you cope with all that animosity as well as the turmoil of a divorce and trying to sustain a relationship with your new partner?

 

This girl advises a period of separation from your spouses. That may well be a good idea for you even if she has already exited your life. 'Trying to sabotage' your marriage won't work. You either need to forget about your affair partner and concentrate on saving your marriage or tell your wife what has happened and make immediate preparations to leave.

Remember that many marriages do survive affairs but very few relationships born from affairs last long.

 

As I mentioned, I've been where you are and there is no judgement on my part. I'm just recommending that you sit back and consider your options and their likely consequences very carefully before making any major decisions. Good luck.

 

 

How did it work out for you?

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The OW left you exactly where you need to be: to decide whether you want to be all-in or all-out of your marriage.

 

Doing that on your own instead of while involved with OW means the the outcome can be a decision you can trust rather than a choice that's influenced by someone outside of your marriage.

 

Isn't that the bottom line choice for everyone in a troubled marriage?

 

So start from there and work backward. If you can't answer at this time whether you want to be all-in and work on fixing your marriage, then consider getting legal advice to learn your options and potential consequences. If that doesn't help you decide, consider separating to give both you and your wife the opportunity to learn what life would be like without the other. After THAT you can decide whether you'll want to repair the marriage or divorce from it.

 

Containing your decision about your marriage to the marriage itself is the only way to gain any kind of platform for realistic choices about your own future. Anything else is just a distraction, no matter how you slice it. The OW recognizes this and doesn't want to play. So put your focus where it needs to be and resolve the first part of your problem. The rest will either fall into place or not, but you'll be able to cross that bridge when you get there.

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The OW left you exactly where you need to be: to decide whether you want to be all-in or all-out of your marriage.

 

Doing that on your own instead of while involved with OW means the the outcome can be a decision you can trust rather than a choice that's influenced by someone outside of your marriage.

 

Isn't that the bottom line choice for everyone in a troubled marriage?

 

So start from there and work backward. If you can't answer at this time whether you want to be all-in and work on fixing your marriage, then consider getting legal advice to learn your options and potential consequences. If that doesn't help you decide, consider separating to give both you and your wife the opportunity to learn what life would be like without the other. After THAT you can decide whether you'll want to repair the marriage or divorce from it.

 

Containing your decision about your marriage to the marriage itself is the only way to gain any kind of platform for realistic choices about your own future. Anything else is just a distraction, no matter how you slice it. The OW recognizes this and doesn't want to play. So put your focus where it needs to be and resolve the first part of your problem. The rest will either fall into place or not, but you'll be able to cross that bridge when you get there.

 

Thank you for your advice, this is logical and i think my best course of action. I do need time as my emotions are still running high.

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