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Someone “not ready to date” again


dmveep
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Make sure you are not still suggesting dates at your place very early on. "not ready" has many interpretations, but frequently asking them to come to your place by the 3rd/4th date can get the "not ready" response.

T It seemed there there was chemistry, compatibility, and sexual attraction which is rare.

At the end of our date last night, she seem to “come clean” and told me there were many things she like about me but didn’t feel like she was quite ready to be dating again.

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In all these situations, I get a gut feeling that something seems a little off, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

QUOTE]

 

You called it yourself. Don't give people you don't know the benefit of the doubt.

 

If you feel its "off" pull back. If they start to pursue you, call them out and ask for an explanation.

 

If they cant or won't answer, make you feel dumb for asking- well then there is the answer and there is no doubt.

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I did not do anything like that.

 

I did ask for further clarification. She she told me in a fairly detailed manner all the things she liked about my personality and even physical appearance. She said there was no reason she wouldn’t continue seeing me other than she just wasn’t ready for it. In a way, that kind of made things even more disappointing.

 

Maybe this situation is only possible for me to experience with someone I am really attracted to? I think if someone is just meh or even an above average date potential, I would just have blown them off before even getting to the fourth date. However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential(which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

While I was seeing her, I tried to keep myself grounded/acknowledged the signs of her behavior, go on other dates with other people, and even discussed my concerns about the situation to a female friend. What should I realistically have done different?

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There will always be plenty of people who are fresh out of breakups, and lots of those will jump right back into dating soup. So it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and never rely on anyone else to self-assess their stability. Otherwise, you position yourself as a rebound, and regardless of how well things start out, your chances of getting The Talk, seemingly out of nowhere, are high and sound something like, "You are a wonderful person, but I really should have taken the time to be on my own and find myself..." Skip that.

 

1. Is it too aggressive to ask someone when was their last break up and how do they feel about it on the first date or perhaps even before the first day if meeting online?

 

No, the whole point of using a dating app is to screen OUT bad matches, so ask away. Anyone who doesn't want to answer such a question screens themselves out FOR you.

 

Also, skip setting up full dates from the app. Set up a bunch of 'quick meets' for coffee on your way home from work. Each agrees to 20 to 30 minutes to check one another out, neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary.

 

Most people are NOT our match, so this takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table, and you're less likely to hear excuses after investing in a full date. Once you can grasp that most people are NOT our match, you'll ask important questions and use more discretion in spotting red flags to screen out bad matches--instead of trying to attract them.

 

2. She seemed really sincere about what she said and seemed to feel genuinely bad about the situation. Although she unfortunately has to be moved to the far back burner, do you think it’s possible that I’ll actually ever hear from her again? Should I try to keep in contact with her a bit to see if things do change over time, maybe just hang out as friends?

 

Naaah, don't bother. If she was sincere, she knows how to reach you. If not, you'll never date her no matter what you do. Either way, the choice is out of your hands, so why hover when you can reinvest your focus in setting up quick meets with new people?

 

Head high. There will be far more bad matches than good ones. It's a needle in the haystack thing. Hold out for someone who views you through the right lens to appreciate your unique value. Tap dance for no one. Flush out bad matches and allow them to pass early. Hold out for true simpatico with someone who 'gets you', and you'll thank yourself later.

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I did not do anything like that.

 

I did ask for further clarification. She she told me in a fairly detailed manner all the things she liked about my personality and even physical appearance. She said there was no reason she wouldn’t continue seeing me other than she just wasn’t ready for it. In a way, that kind of made things even more disappointing.

 

Maybe this situation is only possible for me to experience with someone I am really attracted to? I think if someone is just meh or even an above average date potential, I would just have blown them off before even getting to the fourth date. However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential(which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

While I was seeing her, I tried to keep myself grounded/acknowledged the signs of her behavior, go on other dates with other people, and even discussed my concerns about the situation to a female friend. What should I realistically have done different?

I'm not sure if your asking based on my comment. I don't know what you mean that you didn't did anything like that....

 

But I think the only thing I would do different, if I felt the person was not showing the same level of interest, I would pull back. Maybe not blow them off, but mirror their interest level.

 

That way, it either fades out and I busy with other things. Or given time and space it picks up momentum naturally.

 

Do you think you could have been coming on too strong?

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You can't date "potential ".

 

You seem to have a habit of trying to force things instead of realizing standoffish and low interest in communicating are not signs to try harder! They're signs of low interest. Pay attention and if someone is lukewarm let them go instead of continuing to pursue.

 

This isn't a football game where you need to "win".

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However, if I get the impression they have tremendous potential (which I legitimately thought she did), I appear to be more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

At least from what you've written, your main criteria for "potential" is someone you find super duper attractive and standoffish. Have a think on that. Also this idea of you be "willing to give them the benefit of the doubt"? I don't think it's doing you any favors, because it's built around the premise that you believe they probably will disappoint you, like the others, and that you are actually pretty unwilling to handle that with much grace.

 

I walked past a sushi place in my neighborhood the other day—basic little joint, not so promising, but it's walking distance and I like sushi, so I gave it the "benefit of the doubt" and grabbed a bite. Know what? The sushi was mediocre, service sucked, and my dinner for one set me back $40. Oh well. Didn't feel used or ripped off, and there's a big difference between mediocre sushi and food poisoning. No, people are not restaurants, emotions are real, but still: that is what genuinely giving the benefit of the doubt looks like. It's knowing you'll be a-okay if things don't go exactly how you want or hope. I like sushi and trying random restaurants exactly as much as I did before that meal.

 

Granted, I only have your threads here to go on, but the vibe they give off is that you are pretty angry with women (for not always wanting you) while really, really wanting a woman to cure that anger and give your life some meaning and direction (by wanting you). This can create a pressurized energy on a date, no matter how well it's couched in charm or courtesy, because it's simply a weird thing to be around someone you hardly know and get the sense that they will momentarily fall apart if you're not insta-smitten with them.

 

It takes a degree of entitlement, after all, to believe that people you don't know should want to be with you more often than not. So in terms of what to do differently? Nothing, really, save find a way to dilute that sense of entitlement. Do you have anything in your life—a hobby, say—that can provide a sense of thrill and adrenaline shot to the ego? Something you can do, on your own, that reminds you that life is not just a-okay but flat-out awesome? Might help. Knowing you can get a hit of that on your own, when needed, will make dating less about boosts and bruises.

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I'm not sure if your asking based on my comment. I don't know what you mean that you didn't did anything like that....

 

But I think the only thing I would do different, if I felt the person was not showing the same level of interest, I would pull back. Maybe not blow them off, but mirror their interest level.

 

That way, it either fades out and I busy with other things. Or given time and space it picks up momentum naturally.

 

Do you think you could have been coming on too strong?

I definitely didn’t come on too strong. I somewhat came to the conclusion above here earlier today. When situations like this occur, you should never put in more effort than you receive back. There is no reason to force the issue.

 

Sometimes it’s just confusing. Some women are slow to warm up, some women expect men to take the lead early on, it can be difficult to assess the differences between those and someone who is perhaps emotionally unavailable.

 

In the future, I will try to keep things more even and reciprocal.

 

How do I help sort out when I need to take the initiative vs. have an even reciprocity?

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At least from what you've written, your main criteria for "potential" is someone you find super duper attractive and standoffish. Have a think on that. Also this idea of you be "willing to give them the benefit of the doubt"? I don't think it's doing you any favors, because it's built around the premise that you believe they probably will disappoint you, like the others, and that you are actually pretty unwilling to handle that with much grace.

 

I walked past a sushi place in my neighborhood the other day—basic little joint, not so promising, but it's walking distance and I like sushi, so I gave it the "benefit of the doubt" and grabbed a bite. Know what? The sushi was mediocre, service sucked, and my dinner for one set me back $40. Oh well. Didn't feel used or ripped off, and there's a big difference between mediocre sushi and food poisoning. No, people are not restaurants, emotions are real, but still: that is what genuinely giving the benefit of the doubt looks like. It's knowing you'll be a-okay if things don't go exactly how you want or hope. I like sushi and trying random restaurants exactly as much as I did before that meal.

 

Granted, I only have your threads here to go on, but the vibe they give off is that you are pretty angry with women (for not always wanting you) while really, really wanting a woman to cure that anger and give your life some meaning and direction (by wanting you). This can create a pressurized energy on a date, no matter how well it's couched in charm or courtesy, because it's simply a weird thing to be around someone you hardly know and get the sense that they will momentarily fall apart if you're not insta-smitten with them.

 

It takes a degree of entitlement, after all, to believe that people you don't know should want to be with you more often than not. So in terms of what to do differently? Nothing, really, save find a way to dilute that sense of entitlement. Do you have anything in your life—a hobby, say—that can provide a sense of thrill and adrenaline shot to the ego? Something you can do, on your own, that reminds you that life is not just a-okay but flat-out awesome? Might help. Knowing you can get a hit of that on your own, when needed, will make dating less about boosts and bruises.

 

I’m not angry about this situation, just more disappointed. It’s not easy to keep putting yourself out there and not get the results you want.

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I definitely didn’t come on too strong. I somewhat came to the conclusion above here earlier today. When situations like this occur, you should never put in more effort than you receive back. There is no reason to force the issue.

 

Sometimes it’s just confusing. Some women are slow to warm up, some women expect men to take the lead early on, it can be difficult to assess the differences between those and someone who is perhaps emotionally unavailable.

 

In the future, I will try to keep things more even and reciprocal.

 

How do I help sort out when I need to take the initiative vs. have an even reciprocity?

 

What might be helpful to you when wading through the murky waters of meeting all kinds of people via OLD is turning around the perspective. Rather than getting into the whole all kinds of women are different and how do I figure out what this stranger in front of me wants - a road to madness if you think about it - focus instead on how you want your ideal partner to behave and then drop the rest who don't act that way.

 

Figure out who it is you want and focus on that rather than trying to please all sorts. You define what qualities you want to see from the get go and then focus your efforts on women who bring that to the table from the get go. No wasting time and effort investing in potential and what if maybe she will warm up to me three months from now.... Just don't.

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It sounds like you are watching way too many dating guru and pickup artist videos and the entire game is turning women off.

 

Anyone is 'ready to date' someone they have chemistry and attraction with. It doesn't matter the excuse.

 

You are getting dates and something in your behavior on or between dates is putting women off. No one is ready for 1,2,3, etc dates then suddenly 'not ready'.

I also find meeting people in the wild to be pretty similar these days.

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It sounds like you are watching way too many dating guru and pickup artist videos and the entire game is turning women off.

 

Anyone is 'ready to date' someone they have chemistry and attraction with. It doesn't matter the excuse.

 

You are getting dates and something in your behavior on or between dates is putting women off. No one is ready for 1,2,3, etc dates then suddenly 'not ready'.

 

I don’t subscribe to that kind of thing, which is why I always have an ample supply of dates.

 

My only strategy is to be my goofy ol’ self, treat people how I wanted to be treated, and try to have fun along the way.

 

I don’t think sending one or less texts/day, or going on 1-2 dates/week with someone your dating is coming on too strong.

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What might be helpful to you when wading through the murky waters of meeting all kinds of people via OLD is turning around the perspective. Rather than getting into the whole all kinds of women are different and how do I figure out what this stranger in front of me wants - a road to madness if you think about it - focus instead on how you want your ideal partner to behave and then drop the rest who don't act that way.

 

Figure out who it is you want and focus on that rather than trying to please all sorts. You define what qualities you want to see from the get go and then focus your efforts on women who bring that to the table from the get go. No wasting time and effort investing in potential and what if maybe she will warm up to me three months from now.... Just don't.

Well done! I like it

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Here’s a little thought experiment:

 

Think of everyone you’ve met over the course of your life—men and women—and then think of how many you’ve decided were worth your time and emotional energy. The number is likely tiny, and that’s not because you were “using” those people for a little boost, or because you deemed them “inadequate” by your standards of humanity. They just were...not your people.

 

The world of dating? It will only heighten all that and narrow the margins, since people are approaching strangers with a more specific criteria. This is a good thing, as it would be a very strange world if everyone, even the majority, of people you met wanted to be with you. People are simply too beautifully complex to fit with that many people.

 

Anyhow, I’ll say it again for good measure: I think you could use a place in your life that is independent of women that allows your ego to let loose and your self-worth to shine. You’re getting lots of dates, as you said, and as documented in other threads you’re not exactly starved for intimacy. But it seems you do take it very personally when a woman is not into you, which makes me think a bit too much of your personhood is connected to the idea of what women think of you.

 

While I totally get how crushing it is when something goes south after a month or six, to say nothing of years, I think it’s generally on us humans, if we’re wanting to date, to be in a place where we can take a loss after one to three dates. Ironically, it tends to make for attractive humans, that attitude, which improves the chances out there in the dating casino.

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