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Someone “not ready to date” again


dmveep
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This exact situation seems come up over and over again, so I’m wondering if there is something I can do differently this go around.

 

I went out with what seemed like a great woman four times recently. It seemed there there was chemistry, compatibility, and sexual attraction which is rare. However, she did seem standoffish and didn’t initiate anything in terms of communication or planning dates, so I was cautiously optimistic.

 

At the end of our date last night, she seem to “come clean” and told me there were many things she like about me but didn’t feel like she was quite ready to be dating again, but she would be open to seeing me again down the road a couple months of I was still single. She reported she had just got out of a one year relationship about a month before we met and thought she was ready.

 

I just feel like this pattern of going on a few dates with someone, getting excited, then deflated when I find out they aren’t “ready” to be dating has happened a lot. It always seems to be someone I’m really interested in too. Two questions going forward:

 

1. Is it too aggressive to ask someone when was their last break up and how do they feel about it on the first date or perhaps even before the first day if meeting online?

 

2. She seemed really sincere about what she said and seemed to feel genuinely bad about the situation. Although she unfortunately has to be moved to the far back burner, do you think it’s possible that I’ll actually ever hear from her again? Should I try to keep in contact with her a bit to see if things do change over time, maybe just hang out as friends?

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She might be sincere and completely believe that is why. Understand that in 99.9% of cases it means "not ready to date you". I would not keep in contact with her - she needs to get concerned that you will be snapped up by someone else and she won't be at all if you stay in touch -and then you're going to have to hear about her other dates or at least inklings of other dates especially if you're linked on social media.

 

Also the common denominator is you -could be you're coming on too strong and the "not ready" just means "overwhelmed".

 

I'm sorry this is so frustrating!

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Sorry to hear this, sounds par for the course. Yes you could ask about prior relationships. Sometimes it's just an excuse and other words for 'not feeling it". "Not ready to..." is a more "it's me,not you" way of putting things. People are "ready to date" when they get on dating sites and meet someone who they feel attraction to.

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Part of the package you were apparently very exited about was "standoffish", didn't initiate anything, and yet you're still hanging on hoping to cling to something turning out grand in the future. That's a batch of bad chemistry right there. And dead weight.

 

You can never know what another person is thinking or motives, you have to look at their actions. By date four, she was still acting this way and you were still lapping it up. In other words, you can do better by taking a look at how you pick them and what you're willing to put up with. Hopefully, you learn to put up with less.

 

A relationship of equals and equal effort has a better chance of lasting and less chance of a "it's not you, it's me" type of excuse to boot you.

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How did you meet this woman? on line?

 

I feel many people do not heal and immediately jump on dating sites... that's why it happens so much. Not so much because you are the common denominator.

 

You can't know until you date and get to talking a little... I would not ask straight away, unless somehow that opportunity presents itself. unfortunately, it is a disappointment and frustrating....

 

But! At least you're dating and meeting people. It could be as others said, not ready, is a variation of its not you, its me

 

Never reach out to this lady again. Never have to be told twice that you're not welcome. All that does is feed their ego at your expense. And you will feel stupid and its terrible. trust me!

 

Keep on moving! Someone that is available is dying to find you!Chin up!

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She might be sincere and completely believe that is why. Understand that in 99.9% of cases it means "not ready to date you". I would not keep in contact with her - she needs to get concerned that you will be snapped up by someone else and she won't be at all if you stay in touch -and then you're going to have to hear about her other dates or at least inklings of other dates especially if you're linked on social media.

 

Also the common denominator is you -could be you're coming on too strong and the "not ready" just means "overwhelmed".

 

I'm sorry this is so frustrating!

 

All these scenarios have common elements amongst their behavior.

 

I suppose I could be coming on too strong, but how would I really know that?

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Whether the person is lying to save feelings or truthful, it's a closed door. No, don't contact her. The ball is in her court. Should you ask about the breakup stuff before or during the first date? No. Really, your mindset on the first date should be of enjoying someone's company--to see if there is chemistry and to find out a little bit at a time about the person as you go on more dates. Yes, it's frustrating to have to get 3 or 4 dates in to have it all fall flat, but that's the time and effort you have to put in in the dating world. Getting into the relationship history is too much seriousness on a first date.

 

Think about if you're projecting to the future too much when you have great interest in a woman like this. Even if you don't state that she might be "the one," she will sense this and be scared away. It's nice to be excited about someone, but it's best to have a wait and see attitude.

 

It's normal to have to date a boatload of people before finding a keeper. After my divorce, I went on dates with at least 30 men over a period of two and a half years before finding my future husband. Hang in there. I know how tough it is.

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Part of the package you were apparently very exited about was "standoffish", didn't initiate anything, and yet you're still hanging on hoping to cling to something turning out grand in the future. That's a batch of bad chemistry right there. And dead weight.

 

You can never know what another person is thinking or motives, you have to look at their actions. By date four, she was still acting this way and you were still lapping it up. In other words, you can do better by taking a look at how you pick them and what you're willing to put up with. Hopefully, you learn to put up with less.

 

A relationship of equals and equal effort has a better chance of lasting and less chance of a "it's not you, it's me" type of excuse to boot you.

 

I had expressed my concerns about this to my female friend a few days prior. I thought it was maybe me just being cynical, but I definitely had a bad gut feeling based on my experiences with her.

 

I definitely wasn’t lapping it up. I expressed concerns directly about some confusing communication before/during the last date.

 

My gut feeling was so bad that I continued to peruse dating sites and go out with a couple other ladies, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t cautiously optimistic.

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Whether the person is lying to save feelings or truthful, it's a closed door. No, don't contact her. The ball is in her court. Should you ask about the breakup stuff before or during the first date? No. Really, your mindset on the first date should be of enjoying someone's company--to see if there is chemistry and to find out a little bit at a time about the person as you go on more dates. Yes, it's frustrating to have to get 3 or 4 dates in to have it all fall flat, but that's the time and effort you have to put in in the dating world. Getting into the relationship history is too much seriousness on a first date.

 

Think about if you're projecting to the future too much when you have great interest in a woman like this. Even if you don't state that she might be "the one," she will sense this and be scared away. It's nice to be excited about someone, but it's best to have a wait and see attitude.

 

It's normal to have to date a boatload of people before finding a keeper. After my divorce, I went on dates with at least 30 men over a period of two and a half years before finding my future husband. Hang in there. I know how tough it is.

 

I’ve dated a lot more than 30 people. This is probably the sixth time something like this has happened. It just always leaves me feeling inadequate and used.

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All these scenarios have common elements amongst their behavior.

 

I suppose I could be coming on too strong, but how would I really know that?

 

By being self-honest and self-aware and being attune to someone else's reactions and energy which requires getting out of your head and being a good listener.

 

For example. I sometimes get to the gym at 5am. So does my neighbor -she is a reserved type and I like her and she likes me. We are on treadmills right next to each other. I'm ready to chat even at 5am. It would be fun and make the time pass. And - I know she is on the quieter side, I know it's 5am and most people likely don't want to chat. So even though it would help me to chat, be fun to chat, even though I'd like to be better friends with her, I give her space and let her come to me, talk to me, and even if she does, I still hang back some.

 

Same with dating. See and observe the person's body language, let her take the lead in opening up, see how she reacts when you ask to plan another date but all this requires not listening to the tape in your head of what you plan to say next, it requires the confidence that you are enough so that you're not all in your head about your insecurities. Then you will be able to observe, listen, intuit. I've been overwhelmed on early dates - he's already talking about what we're going to do next year, he's leaning over into my space at the table in a too familiar way, he's all over with me with silly compliments that seem like fill in the blank. He's not paying attention to the way I'm getting quieter as he gets more chatty, etc.

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By being self-honest and self-aware and being attune to someone else's reactions and energy which requires getting out of your head and being a good listener.

 

For example. I sometimes get to the gym at 5am. So does my neighbor -she is a reserved type and I like her and she likes me. We are on treadmills right next to each other. I'm ready to chat even at 5am. It would be fun and make the time pass. And - I know she is on the quieter side, I know it's 5am and most people likely don't want to chat. So even though it would help me to chat, be fun to chat, even though I'd like to be better friends with her, I give her space and let her come to me, talk to me, and even if she does, I still hang back some.

 

Same with dating. See and observe the person's body language, let her take the lead in opening up, see how she reacts when you ask to plan another date but all this requires not listening to the tape in your head of what you plan to say next, it requires the confidence that you are enough so that you're not all in your head about your insecurities. Then you will be able to observe, listen, intuit. I've been overwhelmed on early dates - he's already talking about what we're going to do next year, he's leaning over into my space at the table in a too familiar way, he's all over with me with silly compliments that seem like fill in the blank. He's not paying attention to the way I'm getting quieter as he gets more chatty, etc.

 

I don’t think I came on too strong. I’m not an aggressive person. I will be direct and maybe try to plan another date at the end of one date, but I feel like this is something both parties should want if they are in the right space.

 

Honestly, I know when a person is interested and when they aren’t. The reasoning is irrelevant if they aren’t. The only type of person who would feel my actions are moving too fast is a person is isn’t actually looking for a relationship, which makes us inherently incompatible.

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I had expressed my concerns about this to my female friend a few days prior. I thought it was maybe me just being cynical, but I definitely had a bad gut feeling based on my experiences with her.

 

I definitely wasn’t lapping it up. I expressed concerns directly about some confusing communication before/during the last date.

 

My gut feeling was so bad that I continued to peruse dating sites and go out with a couple other ladies, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t cautiously optimistic.

 

The common denominator is you. Something attracts you to women who are not really available. Even if your gut is now tuned up enough to be ringing full alarms, as you say yourself, you kept pushing on hoping. This is something you might want to fix and think about. What attracts you to cold and aloof or otherwise emotionally unavailable women. You seem drawn to that unequal exchange like a moth to a flame.

 

Asking questions like how long since their last relationship won't fix this problem because some people may be out a week and ready to date and others might be out 5 years and still not ready. It's highly individual and will never really solve anything for you. The real problem is that when you sense that emotional unavailability it triggers you to chase and makes your heart beat faster - that's an internal issue you need to work out. Once you do that, you'll find that most of your dates are actually warm and ready to date instead of being unavailable.

 

It's not that you won't come across women who are unavailable, it's just that you'll sense it and bail out so fast, it won't even hit your radar that they are out there. You'll focus instead on women who are available. Right now, the unavailable stand out because those are the ones that make your heart beat faster, that you are attracted to, that are prominent on your radar, the ones that stand out to you from the herd.

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It just always leaves me feeling inadequate and used.

 

All in all, as others have said, this is just something that happens. And I'm sorry it happened. The less personally you can learn to take it, the more fun this all is.

 

Which is why I highlighted the above.

 

I wonder, being familiar with your last thread, if you carry this vibe into dates, into dating. I went out with some pretty great women when I was single—one to two date encounters—where I pulled out and away when I got the sense that they were skittish about things not going well, about ending up feeling "used" if it didn't work out. Sometimes this was subtle, sometimes less so, i.e. someone devoting a few minutes to a first date in telling me how awful dating was and, by extension, how awful men were.

 

That was a hard pass for me, because it signaled to my brain that the person would always be more interested in not getting bruised than in getting to know me, and that my margin of error—or, put another way, my ability to be a human, and seen and appreciated as such—was too narrow for my personal comfort zone. I've been hurt every which way to Sunday: cheated on, money stolen, and in one very unfortunate case, hurt physically. Along with those extremes, like just about everyone on the planet, most people I met through apps did not fall in love with me. Never have I felt "used" by a woman, and so, in dating, I was seeking people with a similar attitude.

 

Something to think about, perhaps. The other thing that stood out to me was "standoffish," as your last thread, best I recall, was all about a "closed off" woman throwing you for a loop. Not sure what's going on there, but it might be worth figuring out a way to get comfortable with what you're calling standoffish, or to accept that it's not actually a quality you can be comfortable around, even if it compiles you on a more primitive level.

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I don’t think I came on too strong. I’m not an aggressive person. I will be direct and maybe try to plan another date at the end of one date, but I feel like this is something both parties should want if they are in the right space.

 

Honestly, I know when a person is interested and when they aren’t. The reasoning is irrelevant if they aren’t. The only type of person who would feel my actions are moving too fast is a person is isn’t actually looking for a relationship, which makes us inherently incompatible.

 

I mean your energy, your presence, how you present - whether you come across as needy or perhaps too passive (too "nice"). It doesn't have to be aggressive to be overwhelming or come across as insecure or needy.

 

Why in the world would you feel used if you see someone four times and she changes her mind? Dating is like that -that's life. People change their minds especially early on. What is she using you for? A free meal? Honestly I never enjoyed "free" meals if I wasn't into the person so if I wasn't into the person I most often offered to pay my way (in some cases no for other reasons including his behavior/expectations).

 

As far as inadequate -that's a pretty strong reaction. You're dating to find a good match. Right? It happens very often that people change their minds for all sorts of reasons -and most often it's not "personal".

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How did you meet this woman? on line?

 

I feel many people do not heal and immediately jump on dating sites... that's why it happens so much. Not so much because you are the common denominator.

 

You can't know until you date and get to talking a little... I would not ask straight away, unless somehow that opportunity presents itself. unfortunately, it is a disappointment and frustrating....

 

But! At least you're dating and meeting people. It could be as others said, not ready, is a variation of its not you, its me

 

Never reach out to this lady again. Never have to be told twice that you're not welcome. All that does is feed their ego at your expense. And you will feel stupid and its terrible. trust me!

 

Keep on moving! Someone that is available is dying to find you!Chin up!

 

I did meet her online, just annoying when someone advertises they are seeking a relationship then drop this total lack of self awareness on you.

 

I appreciate the kind and positive words. Really made me feel better. Thanks!

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just annoying when someone advertises they are seeking a relationship then drop this total lack of self awareness on you

 

See, this is what I mean with my above post. What she "dropped" on you was self-awareness: the awareness that, by date's end, she realized she wasn't in a place to date you.

 

When you take it this personally what you're doing is negating the personhood of another person. Whether someone is a month out of something and still getting their sea legs back or just returned from six months of celibacy and meditating in a cave to prepare themselves for lifelong partnership before swiping left and right, they will, if they are secure with themselves, likely back off when they detect this sort of energy.

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I did meet her online, just annoying when someone advertises they are seeking a relationship then drop this total lack of self awareness on you.

 

I appreciate the kind and positive words. Really made me feel better. Thanks!

I know....

 

try not to take it personally... I know that is easy to say. believe me, I say it to myself!

 

I really think those categories "seeking a relationship" etc. are just general guidelines... and mean different things to each person. It could simply mean not looking for a hook up. You know?

 

I don't mind when a person puts looking for a fwb or just casual either.. they're being honest and I assume it's the same for anyone looking for a relationship...

 

there is still a vetting process. And you can never know what that process is. Two people looking for a relationship are not automatically going to match up. We are not socks [emoji4]

 

It might have nothing to do with you. We are all just living our lives, trying to do what's best for ourselves. A person can be perfect on paper but not in practice. Or you just never know who else is in the picture.

 

Or here's a weird thing- a nice guy, I met, reminded me of a guy bff I have. I could not get passed that... it was like being romantic with my bro! And obviously, I love my guy bff...

 

Look at this way, appreciate that she let you down easy... she wasnt playing with you and your feelings. You obviously have good qualities and are good company or she wouldn't have gone out even the 2nd time.

 

The sooner you forget her, the sooner you're open to receive better.

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These are complete opposites:

"It seemed there there was chemistry, compatibility, and sexual attraction which is rare. However, she did seem standoffish and didn’t initiate anything in terms of communication or planning dates, so I was cautiously optimistic."

 

Your instincts were giving you all the information you needed but you chose to ignore them.

 

Paying attention when someone is standoffish and isn't initiating will serve you better for the future.

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Feeling inadequate and used is a matter of attitude. You were just two people looking for love who weren’t a match. It’s part of the elimination process and you both recognized it and moved on, which is honest and fair. It’s all part of the process. You know, that old saying about kissing frogs and all that. Be good with you’re at going into it and you won’t feel deflated when you don’t match with someone, which is always more likely than not. You’re just one step closer to finding what you want.

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I did meet her online, just annoying when someone advertises they are seeking a relationship then drop this total lack of self awareness on you.

 

I appreciate the kind and positive words. Really made me feel better. Thanks!

 

I believe most of them truly believe they are seeking a relationship. I believe the vast majority of the time women who meet men through on line especially or in some other "stranger" situation want to let the other person down gently to avoid future issues and this is one of the typical "it's not me it's you"

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The common denominator is you. Something attracts you to women who are not really available. Even if your gut is now tuned up enough to be ringing full alarms, as you say yourself, you kept pushing on hoping. This is something you might want to fix and think about. What attracts you to cold and aloof or otherwise emotionally unavailable women. You seem drawn to that unequal exchange like a moth to a flame.

 

Asking questions like how long since their last relationship won't fix this problem because some people may be out a week and ready to date and others might be out 5 years and still not ready. It's highly individual and will never really solve anything for you. The real problem is that when you sense that emotional unavailability it triggers you to chase and makes your heart beat faster - that's an internal issue you need to work out. Once you do that, you'll find that most of your dates are actually warm and ready to date instead of being unavailable.

 

It's not that you won't come across women who are unavailable, it's just that you'll sense it and bail out so fast, it won't even hit your radar that they are out there. You'll focus instead on women who are available. Right now, the unavailable stand out because those are the ones that make your heart beat faster, that you are attracted to, that are prominent on your radar, the ones that stand out to you from the herd.

 

In all these situations, I get a gut feeling that something seems a little off, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I was quite concerned about it a few days ago, even had a female friend read over our text thread. My friend didn’t seem concerned about it, so I tired to just go with the flow. However, looking back, there are key commonalities to all these.

 

1. Closed body language during interactions

2. Subtle but significant hesitance for any significant physical touch/kissing and a resistance to push things further

3. A lack of initiative in texting/planning dates, despite often being quick to respond or going along with any date suggestions

4. Not prioritizing dates/spreading them out pretty far

5. Mentioning an ex in almost any capacity during the first few dates, even if subtle

 

These things can often be confused with a degree of shyness or someone who is slow to warm up. However, I’ve had a shy gf and she didn’t display these behaviors.

 

In the future, I’ll try not to put in anything more than I receive.

 

Regarding feeling inadequate, it feels really bad being the rebound person. It’s like you’re good enough to make them still feel desired but not good enough to be with.

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"Regarding feeling inadequate, it feels really bad being the rebound person. It’s like you’re good enough to make them still feel desired but not good enough to be with. "

 

But it's not about you personally. Any other man she tried to get over her ex with most likely would have had the same result.

 

She wants her ex. There's no way it's about you.

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