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Do I chase or forget about it?


lowndes8
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1st I need to start by saying I am in a relationship for 10+ years and with the person below nothing sexual ever happened

 

I became friendly with a girl at work as she broke up with her 2nd husband. She has two kids 16 and 13. First, I helped her out setting up a new phone then ended up given her my surround sound system I didn’t need. Anyway we became friendly and ended up hanging out 2/3 times a week.

 

Something happened at work with this employee and they no longer works for the company but I still do.

We didn’t see each other for 2-3 months due to what happened at work but when we caught up again was like before we would hang out/drink/exercise/go out for food/take dogs for a walk etc. Sometimes the kids would be there sometimes not.

 

Anyway the more time we spent together the more we found out how similar we were. One night she asked where does my girlfriend think I am when I with her? I said I don’t want to talk about her. I then asked her if you know I have a girlfriend why do you ask me around? She said because I like your company. I said well I like yours as well and I think you know as well as I that there is something between us. We had a quick conversation and we both said nothing can happen while im with someone and that was that but both said we need to talk about it again when its not late in the morning.

 

Anyway kept hanging out, her kids even told her repeated times that we should go out but nothing ever happened. One week I got 5 messages from her asking if I was free to hang out. I also got a car for her daughter I busted my ass on it getting it ready for her XMAS Present. I always went out my way to help her and the kids by buying stuff like dinner, flowers when she was down etc etc.

 

I was invited to her daughters 16th family dinner but declined as all her family was going to be there and I didn’t feel comfortable.

 

Now after Christmas (I had to go over her house xmas night as the kids wanted to see me) things seems to change. She didn’t contact me as much and most for the time I needed to contact her. She then proceeded to tell me that she had met someone a few months ago but it wasn’t working out he was too much like her ex and already bossing the kids around and told me she was going to end it. So I was going to go all in and tell he I like her and I want to start something with her.

Anyway I find out she hasn’t broke up with him and he was around her house for her 40th Birthday and posted one facebook how much he loves and she liked the picture. I then see hes posting her stuff for sale on facebook for her. Funny thing is this guy looks and is similar to her 1st husband. As others have told me she went with something that feels similar as before. She told me she wouldn’t date older guys but hes 8 years older. Again her previous marriages both men were older. I think she has some kind of issue.

 

Once I found this out, I was done I didn’t want to see or hear from her again, so I deleted her number off my phone. I got a text from her the other day after two weeks of nothing asking how I was.

 

Now im not sure what to do? The only reason I need to have contact with her is to get the car I gave her daughter transferred into her name. But then there is a part of me that still likes her but then I think did she just use me all this time?

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Um. She used you all this time? What?

 

You have had a gf all this time, right? Your friend - you never asked her out nor made any other effort to be available to her as a boyfriend. Is it fair to say you have been having an emotional affair with this woman, while keeping your gf on the side?

 

So -- she has figured out that you are not available, and is moving on. Good for her. You will need to do the same.

 

And, regardless of what you'd like to do, it is time to end your relationship with your gf. Your ability to sustain an interest in someone else indicates that you are not well matched with your gf. Get single and stay that way for a while.

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Um. She used you all this time? What?

 

You have had a gf all this time, right? Your friend - you never asked her out nor made any other effort to be available to her as a boyfriend. Is it fair to say you have been having an emotional affair with this woman, while keeping your gf on the side?

 

So -- she has figured out that you are not available, and is moving on. Good for her. You will need to do the same.

 

And, regardless of what you'd like to do, it is time to end your relationship with your gf. Your ability to sustain an interest in someone else indicates that you are not well matched with your gf. Get single and stay that way for a while.

 

 

Never thought about it like that but yes you are correct i did. I told her once/twice i like her but she said oh you dont want to be with me i have kids, married twice blah blah

 

She may have moved on but i know it wont last

 

Yes i know i need to but its a hard thing to do.

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Never thought about it like that but yes you are correct i did. I told her once/twice i like her but she said oh you dont want to be with me i have kids, married twice blah blah

 

She may have moved on but i know it wont last

 

Yes i know i need to but its a hard thing to do.

 

What purpose did she serve for you? If you were as smitten as you think, you'd have gotten yourself free and asked her out. You didn't.

 

Are you choosing situations that can't ever develop into more serious relationships? The friend keeps you a bit aloof from the gf. The gf keeps you a bit distant from the friend.

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What purpose did she serve for you? If you were as smitten as you think, you'd have gotten yourself free and asked her out. You didn't.

 

Are you choosing situations that can't ever develop into more serious relationships? The friend keeps you a bit aloof from the gf. The gf keeps you a bit distant from the friend.

 

I know i should of gotten free but i was too scared to break up with my girlfriend as i dont want to hurt her

 

I dont know what situations im choosing all i know is if i was single i would of gone after the friend but now i fee

l i have blown that opportunity

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The only reason I need to have contact with her is to get the car I gave her daughter transferred into her name. But then there is a part of me that still likes her but then I think did she just use me all this time?

 

You cannot be serious with this.

 

Wake up, man. She doesn't take you seriously because you're having an emotional affair and she likely won't risk having a relationship with you in light of this. She knows you lack a moral compass and don't treat your partners well. She knows you are not honest and not trustworthy.

 

So sure, she'll take what she can get from you - but an actual relationship? Keep dreaming.

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It sounds like she thinks of you as a pal, but you're hoping for more. She's playing you for the fool, but at some level you know this. Even if you are having trouble with your current gf, this extracurricular activity being this woman's fool isn't helping.

she asked where does my girlfriend think I am when I with her? I said I don’t want to talk about her.

 

She then proceeded to tell me that she had met someone a few months ago but it wasn’t working out he was too much like her ex and already bossing the kids around and told me she was going to end it. I find out she hasn’t broke up with him and he was around her house for her 40th Birthday and posted one facebook how much he loves and she liked the picture

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I think she was just on a rebound because she had only literally just broke up with her husband and she just wanted some male attention. She probably thought you were safe because you were already in a relationship. I don't feel sorry you at all because you were emotionally cheating on your partner of 10 years and you were lying to her as well. And you lied to your friend because she asked you what your girlfriend thought of it all and you didn't tell her the truth. Yeah of course yoir friend picked the other guy! You are not even single so what do you expect? And you're speaking about this like your behaviour was perfectly normal and justified. It WASN'T.

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It's not hurtful to breakup with your girlfriend so she can actually find a faithful man who is crazy about her.

 

Your common sense and ethics are severely lacking. You won't be a good partner to anyone until you right these wrongs.

 

Two unethical people making a relationship work? What are the odds that will be successful? Zero. Your "friend" knew you were crossing relationship boundaries and didn't stop you. She's just not that into you, but liked the ego boost and expensive gift you gave her child.

 

Be alone and work on yourself and maybe you will have better luck in romance and your decision-making skills.

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I know i should of gotten free but i was too scared to break up with my girlfriend as i dont want to hurt her

 

I dont know what situations im choosing all i know is if i was single i would of gone after the friend but now i fee

l i have blown that opportunity

 

You were scared? to hurt your gf?

 

Come on... this is total cheater mentality. Cheaters say, "I dont want to hurt anyone" but what the reality is the only person you are thinking about is you.

 

You want the love and admiration from both people. You don't want anyone to see the truth and judge you, as a bad person. And on top of that, you think the other woman was using YOU!

 

Have you considered what is best for anyone but YOURSELF?

 

Your poor gf. You've been dating someone else, getting A CAR FOR HER KID and all this time, claiming you are out with friends.

 

yikes. I think you need to get to a therapist and learn to love someone other than yourself.

 

Edited to add: the only issue your friend has is you. Her new boyfriend is not your concern. Even if he is older. Thats not in and of itself "an issue" its what she likes.

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OP,

 

A narrow and important point: It is ALWAYS kinder to break up. It will never be easier to break up. Every day you permit your relationship to continue is a day you are making it that much more difficult to end it. She will not walk away from you, nor is it easier on her if you wait for her to figure out that she should. In fact, she will be hurt even more by that sort of outcome.

 

Take the hit, end it in a forthright manner. That is the way to go that causes the least amount of pain.

 

Pain-free is not an option. Nor is it reasonable. She too took the risk of being in a relationship. Feeling pain is part of the deal.

 

Show respect by knowing she will be able to manage the pain. That is her job. Do your job so she can move on.

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I also got a car for her daughter I busted my ass on it getting it ready for her XMAS Present. I always went out my way to help her and the kids by buying stuff like dinner, flowers when she was down etc etc.

 

You bought her daughter a car? No wonder she wants to hang out with you!

 

What does your girlfriend think of all of this?

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Thanks you to everyone that replied.

 

WOW i have had a look hard look and myself and realized im not the person i thought it was.

 

I have decided im not going to reply to the text message she sent me i just going to forget about her and move on with life and let her get on with her life as what i did to her was not a very nice thing.

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Thanks you to everyone that replied.

 

WOW i have had a look hard look and myself and realized im not the person i thought it was.

 

I have decided im not going to reply to the text message she sent me i just going to forget about her and move on with life and let her get on with her life as what i did to her was not a very nice thing.

 

Are you planning on setting your girlfriend free? After all, she's the one getting the short end of the stick. You can't have the best of both worlds, it always comes back to haunt you.

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Thanks you to everyone that replied.

 

WOW i have had a look hard look and myself and realized im not the person i thought it was.

 

I have decided im not going to reply to the text message she sent me i just going to forget about her and move on with life and let her get on with her life as what i did to her was not a very nice thing.

 

I appreciate your wide eyed look in the mirror. Also, thank you for sharing it with us, when you might have defended yourself or ducked away. Well done.

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I appreciate your wide eyed look in the mirror. Also, thank you for sharing it with us, when you might have defended yourself or ducked away. Well done.

 

Nope i wont defend what i did. The only thing one day i would like to see this other person and apologize to them for emotionally leading them on.

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