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time to breakup or try to fix it?


girl1
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Hi everyone, just looking for some advice on my relationship here as I feel all my friends and family are too involved to give unbiased advise. TIA

 

So my boyfriend(21) and I(20) have been together just over 8months, we were part of a friendship group and things developed from there.

It was great at the start, we would have interesting conversations, go out on the weekend with all our friends, have lots to do and talk about. But now it feels as if the relationship has started to cool off, there's less fun and more of a chore feeling creeping in and we don't do the things we used to or have interesting convos. we've fallen into a boring pattern of living.

 

He is unemployed and therefore has a lot of free time, he hasn't got a hobby, doesn't help his family out with chores ect and just in general doesn't do much. This didn't worry me until my mum mentioned we might be moving in different directions as I'm a busy body who works, studies, volunteers ect. what free time I do have I often spend with him doing nothing, which bothers me. Id rather have fun dates or plans but we can't because he is unemployed and I can't continue to spend all my money on him.

He is generous when he has money and tries to make plans but whenever the date comes up the plan always changes or falls through. I think he has many redeeming qualities, he is kind and patient, but is that enough reason to stay? I feel like the sexual attraction is no longer there either.

 

I love him, he's my best friend, but I think I'm struggling to find reasons to stay in this relationship except to avoid the emotions of a breakup.

 

thanks for reading my rant, I'm not sure what I'm feeling atm and would just like different perspectives/advice thank you

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It sounds like you are very dissatisfied and done with the relationship. That requires you to be honest with yourself and do the right thing and go your own way. Yes, it will hurt, it almost always does, but it's the fair thing to do. You can then be free to live your life as you want and possibly find someone you are more compatible with in the future.

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When I was your age I wish someone had given me this advice: When choosing a partner, consider whether or not you would go into business with them.

 

Because when all the warm fuzzy feelings settle, a big part of what you have is a business partner. If marriage is what you want, then you want someone who pulls their fair share and someone you can fall back on. Someone who has the same values and money principles you do.

 

You need to separate your head from heart sometimes when choosing a partner. I know you emotionally you love this guy, but logically does he have what it takes to be a life partner?

 

I think your mom is right.

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Sorry to hear this. After 8 mos the fun can wear off a bit. However in this case your mother may have a point about having different goals and values. Stay busy with your studies, work, friends, family, sports, interests and activities.

 

You sound engaged in life whereas he sounds like sort of a drag to be around. End things kindly but cleanly stating that you've grown apart. It sounds like he's bringing you down with his inertia.

So my boyfriend(21) and I(20) have been together just over 8months

 

He is unemployed and therefore has a lot of free time, he hasn't got a hobby, doesn't help his family out with chores ect and just in general doesn't do much. This didn't worry me until my mum mentioned we might be moving in different directions as I'm a busy body who works, studies, volunteers ect. what free time I do have I often spend with him doing nothing, which bothers me

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love him, he's my best friend,
Takes a whole lot more than loving someone to remain with them. You know that so don't stay with him and enable him to remain the unemployed, unmotivated boy-man he currently is. Sever ties without guilt so that he can learn a lesson and can grow up and so that you are free and clear to find someone more like yourself, someone you can gel with.
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I know you emotionally you love this guy, but logically does he have what it takes to be a life partner?

 

Agreed.

 

Not even looking at the longterm prognosis, ask yourself logically if he has what it takes to be a fun, inspiring, enriching person to spend another month with. The sexual attraction is gone, he's unemployed, unmotivated, and seems very content, for the time being, with doing nothing. Harsh words, I know, but alas: they are your words, not mine. While I can understand how having a girlfriend would make that life more livable for him, I'm not quite sure how having that as boyfriend improves your life in either the immediate or longterm sense.

 

It's very hard, I know. Aside from genuinely loving and caring about him, letting him go means letting go of all the hopes that existed when you first got together. Crushing, always, when time proves that hopes and dreams are just that: not realizable, at least with a certain person. But sometimes it's moments like this—and many of us go through them a few times over—that help us understand what we really need in a person to invest our hearts in so the hopes are genuinely attainable.

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Thank you bluecastle,

Yes I think you're right, I was caught up in the atmosphere of the fun nights out with friends, jokes and conversations we were once having. It has all seemed to fade and now we're just going through the motions.

I don't think he has realised the passion has gone for me, even though I have tried to have subtle conversations with him about it. I can't force the attraction to be there but now I'm scared to let it go.

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Is he actively looking for work?

 

Why doesn't he have any hobbies, or bother helping out with his family? And why do date plans change or fall through all the time? I would be concerned that this is more than a streak of bad luck in finding a job. The fact that he doesn't seem to have much motivation to do anything suggests a deeper problem, rather than a bad patch.

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Hi MissCanuck,

I think he is so used to his mum carrying the weight of the family, but for me I'm used to family helping each other with chores and household. My mum is concerned that I'm becoming too much of a mum for him also in this relationship.

 

I'm not sure why our plans change when he makes them, I think he just wants to get food instead of planning dates or trying new stuff with me.

 

He has never been employed before, he is currently 21yo. He started doing gardening for a few months and then he injured himself in a fit of rage while gaming, so had to stop work for moths while it healed, I'd say he worked for max 2-3 months, it is all healed now but he's done one gardening job since.

 

That is also my concern that he is unmotivated but I do see some good in him and I see patience when he always finishes what he starts. I don't know if it's an immaturity issue or his spoilt upbringing that makes us so different. Is it a reason to leave or something I should just overlook

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He injured himself in a "fit of rage" while gaming? Be real with yourself: Is that who you want to be with? I'm not even talking about forever and ever, but, like, tomorrow?

 

Maybe the day comes when he grows up, can laugh at the wayward manchild he was at 21. Or maybe time proves that he just grows more into the spoiled, immature, unmotivated person you're seeing. Either way, this is who he is, right now, and in being with him you are validating that, and finding your own life increasingly less fun in the process.

 

The thing reinvent said about choosing someone you'd go into business with rather than someone you can have a few awesome nights with? I think that's a great point, and maybe the great lesson here, if one that come with a sting.

 

It does not mean choosing someone who is boring but stable, but someone who is so good at the boring parts of life that the fun can be of the sustainable variety, rather than the fleeting kind.

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He started doing gardening for a few months and then he injured himself in a fit of rage while gaming, so had to stop work for moths while it healed, I'd say he worked for max 2-3 months, it is all healed now but he's done one gardening job since.

 

That is also my concern that he is unmotivated but I do see some good in him and I see patience when he always finishes what he starts. I don't know if it's an immaturity issue or his spoilt upbringing that makes us so different. Is it a reason to leave or something I should just overlook

 

Re-read the bolded.

 

Ask yourself if that really makes any sense.

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