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Down the Toilet


LTNS
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To get straight to the point, my relationship of nearly 8 years came to a close a few days ago. I had previously posted that we went on a break, as it increasingly seemed as though his friends and hobbies were coming before our relationship, and the excitement on his end seemed to be a bit faded. He still told me I was beautiful and that he could never look at someone the way he looks at me right up until the end, and the break happened for him to find reason in why he couldn’t put me first. Unfortunately, after two months apart, he came back to tell me I wasn’t on his mind as much as he thought I would be. He had gotten closer to some friends who showed him a life of excitement and partying that he was more than happy to share the details of with me. He hadn’t seen anyone else, but seemed to have taken his immature behaviors from when we were together, and immersed himself in them. Barely spending time alone, I’m not surprised I wasn’t on his mind. Bad friends and substances filled the void so not only was he distracted, but he felt good while doing it. I let him go calmly. I agreed we’re not the same people and we don’t want the same things. Logic is easy to see, but I’m afraid for him. In 8 years you get to know someone deeply, and this life he’s choosing is not who he truly is. There’s so much masking of pain and responsibility that I know his future won’t be happy if he continues the same way. All of this, yet I still know I can’t make it my responsibility to worry. He’s made his choice, and it wasn’t me. I just don’t know how to cope with that.

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In a way you finally have closure and now can move on to someone more compatible. It would be best to start the process of no contact and deleting him and all his people from all your social media, messaging apps and devices.

 

You've both grown but in different directions. Reconnect with friends, take some classes and courses, volunteer. Join some groups and clubs. Get in shape update your look, clothes etc. Get more involved in your profession. Do all the things being in a stagnant relationship for to long held you back from.

 

My advice on this remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563471&p=7196480&viewfull=1#post7196480

my relationship of nearly 8 years came to a close a few days ago. Unfortunately, after two months apart, he came back to tell me I wasn’t on his mind as much as he thought I would be. Bad friends and substances filled the void so not only was he distracted, but he felt good while doing it.
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I'm sorry for your sadness and helplessness, LTNS. Let time heal your old wounds someday. Anything new is still raw and painful.

 

I've had to let go of several people from my life, too. My cousin ans sister are prime examples. In my past, I've had innocent, wonderful relationships and the problem is, people are not the same anymore dependent upon whom they meet whether it's their worldly friends, worldly partners or worldly spouses. As my mother taught me, many formerly innocent and naive people become corrupt and tainted. She said 'your friends are your future' and 'you are the company you keep.' They become one of them and their negative influences are ingrained in their psyche and lifestyle. You have no control over that.

 

People are given the gift of free will and with that free will comes either good or bad choices and decisions. People are grown adults, it's their life and they'll do with it what they will.

 

You cope by knowing down deep within your bones that your decision is steadfast, unwavering and absolute. You cope by reminding yourself that you are a logical person and did the right thing. A lot of times we have to arrive at a conclusion that is best for the situation and knowing this will give you peace of mind. Doing the right thing is often times not a happy scenario and ending but it's the right decision to be fair and respectful for both parties. Going your separate ways or estrangement brings peace and fairness. The message is: "Go live your life while I live mine."

 

Whenever people are incompatible, it's better to split permanently so each side can have the freedom to do what they want on their terms since both sides don't agree.

 

He's a big boy and responsible for himself. All you can do is wish him well no matter what, pray for him from afar and that's it. You cope by keeping yourself safe and out of harm's way mentally and physically. Even though you can't see this now, often times it is best to part ways because another person's lifestyle is risky due to their activities, social life and whom they associate with. You never want to get caught up in the wrong shady crowd due to your relationship because it is dangerous and unsafe for you. You'll end up at the wrong place at the wrong time. :upset:

 

I went through something similar and didn't know how to cope with departures from past people. What helped me was to separate sadness from reality in my mind and I became more cold and calculating for my benefit and personal survival. It's a wake up call each time to have a harsh reality check and then the pragmatic side of my brain convinces me that I did the right thing. When you change the way you think, coping becomes easier over time.

 

Also, remind yourself that certain people are toxic and poisonous for your life and the only way for you to live a clean, normal, good, smooth life is without immoral people in your life. You cope by accepting the knowledge that throughout your lifetime you will continue to weed out the bad apples from your life. We all do it. We don't keep everyone in our lives. Some people are keepers, some people are eliminated and for those who cannot be eliminated (such as in my case with relatives, in-laws and some colleagues), you enforce strong, healthy boundaries and borders with them.

 

You cope by knowing you are continuing to grow and mature. Just like the rest of us in this thing called life, you've been around the block a few times and learn street smarts. Transform your sad coping into strength and wisdom gained. You cope by reminding yourself of the 'live and learn' mantra and your radar is up as you navigate your life more wisely in the future. You're no longer naive and now you can afford to become more picky and choosy. You cope by knowing you've received an invaluable education. You cope by becoming smarter and more intelligent. Your mind is sharper now. You cope by being more perceptive and becoming a better judge of character.

 

Coping gets easier when you change the way you think.

 

Also, surround yourself with upstanding, very moral people such as family and high quality friends for support and healthy influences.

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Why did you make two different accounts?

 

This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

 

Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.

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As difficult as this is, you do need to start accepting that he is doing what he wants, that he is actually very much happy doing it and, most importantly, that his life and future are no longer any of your business.

 

My advice in your previous thread stands. You got together very young and kept each other from letting loose and having fun when you should have. What he is doing now is making up for lost time. You may not like it, you may not agree with it, you may rightfully think he is making terrible choices, but telling yourself that you know him so well and what he is doing is somehow not him is disingenuous and insulting to him and yourself. Yes, this is who he is.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and go full no contact, including his family, friends, etc. You have some serious personal growing to do for yourself. You've spent 8 years of your life doing whatever he wants. High time to sort out what it is that you actually want, what interests you have, what life do you want and who you are as a person as opposed one half of a couple. Focus on yourself and discovering who you are as a person, as an individual. You might well find that journey rewarding sooner than you think.

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Why did you make two different accounts?

 

This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

 

Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.

 

I’m not sure you’re replying to who you think you are. I was never married.

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Why did you make two different accounts?

 

This man is a controlling abuser. Telling him you love him and apologizing after he does invasive controlling things is just giving him approval and permission to continue.

 

Please leave him and hire an attorney to set a custody and support agreement in court.

 

Huh? I think you have this poster confused with someone else.... see her previous thread under her own name for background....

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. You cope by reminding yourself of the 'live and learn' mantra and your radar is up as you navigate your life more wisely in the future. You're no longer naive and now you can afford to become more picky and choosy..

 

I do fear I’ll become too choosy after having the rug pulled out from under me. I don’t want to keep myself from happiness either. Thank you for the kind words. I know time will heal

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In a way you finally have closure and now can move on to someone more compatible. It would be best to start the process of no contact and deleting him and all his people from all your social media, messaging apps and devices.

 

You've both grown but in different directions. Reconnect with friends, take some classes and courses, volunteer. Join some groups and clubs. Get in shape update your look, clothes etc. Get more involved in your profession. Do all the things being in a stagnant relationship for to long held you back from.

 

My advice on this remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563471&p=7196480&viewfull=1#post7196480

 

In a way, I was doing all of those things while I was with him, without him. He was around less and less, so I was taking care of myself. It’ll be hard, but I know it was right.

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The worst pain is knowing my best friend is still in there, but he’s too afraid to be him. I know that should say all I need to know, but the pain is real.

 

I'm sorry but you really need to stop telling yourself this. He is who he is and who he is, is not who you want and wish him to be. The sooner you start accepting that, the easier it will be for you to let go. The longer you choose to bs yourself with "this is not who he is" the harder you make it on yourself to move forward.

 

Accept and deal with reality. People who aren't into bad company, don't join up with bad company, people who aren't into drugs do not do drugs. He is doing what he is doing because he wants to and that's who he is.

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In some respects, he wasn't your choice anymore either. He's changed and can't be what you need.

 

Anytime a relationship ends, it does hurt and you do need time to process how you feel.

 

When I was young and fun (lol) I was the life of the party... I would be out at bars or parties and there'd always be maybe someone closer to middle age or older there. And they would be drunk and just partying with everyone else. And I'd always look at them like it was a little bit sad.

 

That's when I knew, I never wanted to be that person. So as I started getting older I started wanting to get away from all the partying....

 

It end some relationships & friendships. And it was hard. But all these years later those people still doing the same stupid stuff and they look horrible! They're not healthy at all..

 

When your young, health doesn't seem like such a big deal, but you know it is. We have real problems in our society today especially with alcohol and drug abuse.

 

It starts out as a fun time. It's super exciting everything's happy-go-lucky until one day it is not. Drugs and alcohol are coping mechanisms and people use them to escape life but its a waste of life.... At some point we all gotta grow up and make good choices, if we want a good life.

 

Count your blessings, you aren't getting sucked into his reckless lifestyle.

 

Hang in there.... hugs....

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Time is the only healer, unfortunately, but it will happen, eventually. You have a good handle on where the two of you were, emotionally and mentally. Worlds apart. It was too great of a gap to bridge. Take this time to take good care of yourself, reflect, heal and grow stronger and more resolute. You made the right choice, for you. The love you have for yourself and others will only grow stronger. Blessings.

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I do fear I’ll become too choosy after having the rug pulled out from under me. I don’t want to keep myself from happiness either. Thank you for the kind words. I know time will heal

 

You're very welcome, LTNS.

 

Fear not. Becoming picky and very choosy is your new attribute. Being picky and very choosy means you won't settle for mediocre, subpar men. Your standards are very high, steadfast, absolute and unwavering. Never think you only deserve crumbs. Only aim for the best man of the highest moral character. Being very selective pays off.

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There’s so much masking of pain and responsibility that I know his future won’t be happy if he continues the same way. All of this, yet I still know I can’t make it my responsibility to worry. He’s made his choice, and it wasn’t me. I just don’t know how to cope with that.

 

I understand your worry and concern. But there's nothing you can do. It will just take time. Eventually, you will detach and start to feel better.

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This is who he is now, OP.

 

I know it hurts because it's not the man you once knew, but people do change. And it's not always for the better. It seems this has been a slow-simmering change over time, a growing up-and-growing apart- situation.

 

He is going to take whichever path appeals to him in the moment. You can't help him, nor does it appear he's requested or really needs your help. This is why break-ups are so hard; we often have to deal with the reality that the person we thought we knew so well isn't there anymore. He's evolved (or devolved) into something else, rendering the relationship impossible. Time and space away from him will help you heal; be patient and kind to yourself while you recover,

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I've been told that the end of a really good relationship is the same as grieving after a bereavement. It's not just what you had, it's the life you were going to have together that's now gone. It takes time to recover from that.

 

There's no easy solution. Although it's a truism, things do get better as time goes on. You just have to move on, avoid getting drawn back in somehow, and keep going until it doesn't hurt as much.

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