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Sinister or Just Spam?


roxcandy
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Help!!

 

First-time poster and I need some advice. I (30F) found a text message on my fiancé’s (34M) Apple Watch that reads:

 

“Eve is available in your city. Talk to her now at and then goes on to list Eve’s sexual preferences, etc. The text was also accompanied by a photo.

 

My fiancé and I have been through a lot of ups and downs. He is a recovering addict, and one night about a year ago, while he was using, he phoned prostitutes but says he didn’t go through with anything (I found the text messages and calls on his phone- judging from the text messages, it was pretty clear that he didn’t ACTUALLY go through with sleeping with a hooker- but came pretty damn close).

 

Fast forward a year, and my fiancé is now sober, and we are both in therapy and working on our relationship. He’s been open with me about signing up for “online hookup sites” and Ashley Madison, when he was single. He used to receive spam emails from these sites, but has since deleted all his old email addresses and removed the spam.

 

I’m don’t really have reason to believe he was using these sites while we were together. I have access to every device and account he owns and I check, frequently. We live together. In fact, he was even in the room with me when he received the text from “Eve”. But instead of showing it to me, he chose to delete it quickly from his phone. I found the text on his Apple Watch (he must have forgotten to delete it from there).

 

OBVIOUSLY there are a ton of trust issues due to my fiancé’s past actions. I am working through this with my therapist, so I don’t need guidance on that. What I need is an outside opinion. I know this is OBVIOUSLY a spam message- but what does it mean? Is he using these sites again? Did he just visit an innocent porn site and get this message? How do these people have his phone number? Do you guys get random spam like this for no reason? I don’t.

 

My fiancé streams movies a lot and this is one of the sites that pops up as a pop up add. BUT STILL how did they get his number?

 

Also- my fiancé and I have sex pretty often, are very much in love and he does literally everything I ask. He’s extremely affectionate, open, and always willing to work on our relationship. But I’m not a dumb girl. And we have been having a lot of trust issues lately. I’m scared there’s something I’m missing.

 

TL, DR: Fiancé got a spam text message from a sex hookup site. Does this mean he used a site like this recently? Should I be concerned?

 

Thanks!

Edited by HeartGoesOn
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I get the strangest spam messages on my email and I get many robocalls on my cellphone most of which I ignore if at all possible. In addition I get really off the wall robocalls at my work number. Not porn though. Nothing surprises me. I'm sure if I checked my email spam folder it would have all sorts of strange emails including porn. I've never accessed any porn related site other than totally by accident (you know you type in something normal and maybe misspell and something comes up -you don't click on it but it might still be in my history i guess??).

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Do you guys get random spam like this for no reason? I don’t.

 

Nope. My guy doesn't get smut spam. But had he opened that door he might.

 

It remains to be seen if this is something left over from previous indiscretions or a new problem. How about he get a new phone number or email?

 

Now what do you do? I'm not in your relationship, but I couldn't live being someone elses gate keeper.

 

If he"s all about full disclosure why did he delete it?

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Once someone signs up to a site like that, the site shares information with similar sites, including phone numbers.

 

Scammers have loads of ways of getting phone numbers, which is why you get scammers sending texts pretending to be Netflix or your bank, etc.

It's not ethical to be sharing clients information, but these aren't the most ethical sites in the first place.

 

If he says he's not doing anything, believe him until there is proof otherwise.

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Anyone's guess. I've never gotten anything such and I have a work phone that's public. If he is still using same phone from before, then he would be in the system so to speak. If he changed his number....more likely than not, this is fresh contact on his part.

 

Ultimately, you are asking the wrong question. The right question is rather is this really how you want to live? Constantly policing, patrolling, checking, always on edge, always stressed, in and out of therapy and counseling, always waiting for the other shoe to drop...again.... Is this really how you want to live?

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Thanks for your help. I realize that the REAL question has more to do with my quality of life and less to do with internet spam. I’m not sure how people bounce back from infidelity (or possible infidelity...) ... I’ve been trying to get over that one night for a year now. Can’t seem to let it go.

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Thanks for your help. I realize that the REAL question has more to do with my quality of life and less to do with internet spam. I’m not sure how people bounce back from infidelity (or possible infidelity...) ... I’ve been trying to get over that one night for a year now. Can’t seem to let it go.

 

Most people don't or rather they do by leaving the cheater. Cheating is a lot like dropping an atomic bomb on the relationship. I know I know tons of absurd advice out there how cheating makes the relationship stronger. It's about as logical as saying drop an atomic bomb to clear some land for farming. I mean sure, it will clear the land alright....just for that pesky radiation..... Once the trust is destroyed, you really have nothing but a toxic mess. So do you really want to live like that?

 

If it's been a year and you can't let go, then it's high time to let him go instead. You might find that it's like lifting a huge weight and a dark cloud off your head.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately an addicts even in recovery learns to lie and hide like a pro. You will always be looking over your shoulder.

He is a recovering addict, and one night about a year ago,

while he was using, he phoned prostitutes but says he didn’t go through with anything

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Are you sure it was sent to his phone number? On iMessage emails can be used for text messaging. Not that that solves the deeper issues, but just saying, since you seem pretty focused on the phone number component of this. I've never given my number to a certain presidential candidate, for instance, but said candidate is in the habit of texting me of late. I did give out my email.

 

Given what you've shared about your relationship, this doesn't sound like such a big deal. He is a man in recovery, with poor impulse control. That sentence will remain true in ten years. Along the way there are likely to be slip-ups or tendrils of the past surfacing, with a text like this one or the other. Guess you have to decide if weathering these moments is as worthwhile as whatever you envision things being if and when genuine calm and trust are restored.

 

Why not just ask him about it, since that seems to be part of your dynamic these days?

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Anyone's guess. I've never gotten anything such and I have a work phone that's public. If he is still using same phone from before, then he would be in the system so to speak. If he changed his number....more likely than not, this is fresh contact on his part.

 

Ultimately, you are asking the wrong question. The right question is rather is this really how you want to live? Constantly policing, patrolling, checking, always on edge, always stressed, in and out of therapy and counseling, always waiting for the other shoe to drop...again.... Is this really how you want to live?

 

That's what I was thinking. Checking account and "policing" sounds exhausting. I can't imagine being with someone I didn't trust.

 

You should have been done long ago .

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Whether or not it means anything is nebulous proposition. It might, it might not. The bigger question as I see it is can you live with having these kind of doubts about your s.o. over the long term? If he changes great, but you can't expect him to or rely on that happening. This is who he is. Imo, you should be putting more thought into whether or not this dynamic is something you can resolve within yourself and come to terms and ultimately be happy with. I'd imagine it will become very tiring for you, if it isn't already. Once trust is gone, everything else goes with it. If you're willing to be fair with him about giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think you should be equally fair with yourself about whether or not this is something you want or deserve.

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Ultimately, you are asking the wrong question. The right question is rather is this really how you want to live? Constantly policing, patrolling, checking, always on edge, always stressed, in and out of therapy and counseling, always waiting for the other shoe to drop...again.... Is this really how you want to live?

 

If you do opt to stay with this guy, I would not marry him. Can you imagine adding the cost of lawyers and the splitting of assets in order to free yourself if he divebombs again?

 

Don't you deserve a life free of looking over your shoulder and wondering if you'll be passed an STD?

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I get tons of crap email, messages, texts on phone, computer, and so on.

 

With data breaches happening all the time, I am not surprised at all.

 

An insecure or uninformed person could look at all that and conclude evil intent on my part.

 

What's happening is just spam. Annoying as hell, but nothing more.

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There are a million ways to cross reference contact information for spamming purposes, even old information. We can only guess as to whether the spam was a direct consequence of more recent efforts. Fact is if you understandably don't trust him, you dump him. It's not license to then police him.

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Most addicts enter cat and mouse relationships like this. You're the police/detective and they try to outsmart you with lies and sneaking around. This was is and will always be the dynamic. When he gives you enough lip-service to let your guard down he can start again and part of the fun for him will be devising new ways to deceive you and get away with things..

 

Get to a doctor for a complete evaluation including STDs. Many can be asymptomatic for years and threaten your health and fertility. Also consider therapy for yourself to try to understand and sort out why you want a life of games and feel the urge to fix someone like this when you know that trusting him is a mistake. You may think he's 'cured' of drugs and hookers but he knows where to look and you know he has the urge to do this.

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I get loads of emails like this - or at least my spam folder does. I've never signed up to any dodgy sites, and frankly I neither know nor care where they've got my email address from, as long as they go straight into the plop bucket and don't bother me.

 

Unless you've other reasons right now to suspect him, I'd let this one float straight past on the breeze.

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