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Since my first post about the guy that I stopped seeing last month, I`ve been quite better. I started CBT therapy and I am keeping myself busy with work and enjoying my hobbies. I`ve also seen progress by reading people`s stories here and giving my 2 cents as well - it`s been eye opening for me. But to an extend I keep thinking that I might have rushed things and called him out prematurely. He accused me of that saying: "just because we don`t get to spend time together for two days straight?why do you make it a big deal?" I said, it wasn`t about that. it was because of his apathy and cold behavior and because he cancelled plans twice, without any notice, I had to ask to find out, totally last minute. Maybe calling him to see if there was something wrong was too much? Did he feel bombarded in a sense? I`m very confused and troubled. I feel I should have waited to see how it would go. That maybe I was unfair to him. Was I too irrational? I want to know in order to make more mature decision in my dating life. Did I act like a child?

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Hi, I didn't see your last post, how long were you dating him? When did you end it, and when did you last call him?

 

Hey there!:smug: We were dating for 3 weeks and basically he became colder after sex and after me asking if he wanted to continue seeing him in the future. I have it on detail here https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563554 Also NC since 23rd of January. He said he would call if he changed his mind. Nothing since.

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My big picture advice is to learn to observe this sort of mental wormhole but opt to not enter it. The better you get at that, the higher the chances for better, more authentic connections—with yourself and, by extension, with others.

 

Dating and romance are not about "fairness." That's kind of the whole point, what makes it so thrilling and, with the right person, so deep. This thing with this guy? Be honest: it was thrilling, because being gushed over is thrilling, but it was never deep. You met at a club. You didn't think much of his education level or profession or how he treated you in his pursuit, but you did value the pursuit, the avalanche of texting and backpack-carrying. You put a premium on that, and a fantasy in your head, and edited out the parts that didn't jibe. Eventually those parts surfaced. A dude who, from the beginning, seemed shifty and sex-focused proved, alas, to be shifty and sex-focused.

 

It happens. It happened.

 

So I would say, all in all, that you were "unfair" to yourself. Be more honest about what you're getting, rather than what you want to get, and in the future you'll skip the whole part where you "call him out." That's basically just trying to control the outcome, and another person, rather than accepting what someone is offering, and being fair to yourself in stepping away when it's not enough, not even close.

 

Dating is not a science. You'll make a misstep in the future. That's okay. Each one is a learning experience that will sharpen the compass a bit. If you can just let it be that, and find self-empowerment and calm by making it that, you'll find you won't spin around replaying the tape and seeing where you went wrong but rather just accepting that you briefly got a little tangled up with someone who was wrong for you.

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I stand by with the advice I gave you in your previous thread. This guy was all kinds of bad news and red flags slapping you in the face from the moment you met. What's unfair is that you don't seem to grasp the lesson that what runs hot, runs out fast. Hot pursuit is flattering to your ego, but it never has a fairy tale ending and in fact can be quite dangerous to you. Best case scenario is that you just run across a player who'll sleep with you and move on, worst case is you'll end up with an abuser and get caught up hard in that web of deceit and manipulation. Hot pursuit is pure manipulation. Print this out and stick it on your fridge as a reminder. Not even going to get into him cutting you down and putting you down. You do not date that.

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Ok, so I read part of your last post. 3 weeks is definitely not long enough to be exclusive with anyone, he may have just told you that you were exclusive so he could get something from you. (sorry to say). You probably should wait before having s8x with anyone until your exclusive, unless you are into that. And 3 weeks is definitely not long enough to get ****** with anyone. Between this post and especially the last one, it seems way too dramatic for dating someone for 3 weeks. And he has red flags all over the place.

 

I know it's hard to not think about a guy you dated that you were hoping would work out, but just think, do you want to be with someone like this? Someone who treats you badly after getting what he wants? And If it's this dramatic so early on, how will it be after 6 months? A year? He doesn't deserve to rent space in your head so get him outta there.

 

Another one of my favorite quotes: "Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out."

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Why are you second guessing this? He cancelled twice, last minute, and it had only been 3 weeks. He was also cold after sex. Why would you want more of that? You were barely dating and he was not treating you well.

 

Move on!

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I didn’t read your other post, but it sounds like your gut was telling you he was the wrong guy for you and his behavior borne that out to be true. If someone treats you with less than what you deserve, then the fair thing to do for yourself is to choose not to settle. What he said or did doesn’t matter. You know what you want and it’s not him, so you moved on. That’s as fair as you can possibly be.

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I read your previous post, proseyyxl, and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

 

My impression is that you were so enthralled with the idea of being with someone and having a relationship, you ignored this guy who was practically a walking red flag.

 

This guy treated you horribly, and after you first slept together, he criticized you and put you down, yet you stayed.

 

It sounds like you have so much to offer a quality guy! But I question whether you realize your own self-worth, to be honest.

 

This guy clearly has a lot of work to do on himself, but I think, at the end of the day, you taught him how to treat you. He was disrespectful of you and your time and you allowed it.

 

I mean no disrespect by this, please know this. I've tolerated my own fair share of non-sense in the past and at this point in my life, I have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to dating & anything that might indicate that me and a potential prospect are not compatible.

 

I think that once you realize and acknowledge your worth, you'll attract better quality guys and filter out the dweebs much sooner.

 

You should have walked at the first sign of disrespect.

 

I'm not a big fan of the saying "you dodged a bullet', because it seems to be used all too often (and to a point where it can lose it's meaning), but in this instance, and in your situation, it definitely applies.

 

Just reading your previous post made me feel exhausted. Be glad that this guy is now out of your life. He had toxicity written all over him.

 

Overall, I think it would benefit you to work on yourself before diving back into the dating pool. Like I said, I think you have so much to offer, but until you truly realize this yourself, you'll continue to attract and tolerate men who will treat you similarly to this guy. No thanks!

 

I don't think questioning whether or not you were fair is what you should be asking yourself here. The real question is why you were willing to tolerate being treated this way by someone who showed you nothing but disrespect.

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OP, this guy treated you poorly throughout the short time you dated. What exactly is there to miss? This was bad.

 

Please do not date anyone , until you can get your self esteem in check. You allowed a lot of really bad behavior, and should have walked after the first lie.

 

Everyone told you in your other thread that this guy was bad news.

Edited by Hollyj
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This guy told you that sex meant nothing, that he didn't like your character and that you reminded him of his ex. It sounds like he changed his mind on how he felt about you and I am not sure that you did anything that would have made the outcome any different.

 

Three weeks in, is a very short time. You did jump the gun in getting involved way too quickly and expecting too much and he decided after a few dates that you weren't what he had initially thought and changed his mind.

 

Let's just say for instance that you didn't make any mistakes. He might still have changed his mind because he didn't like somethings after all.

It happens.

 

People date, they first think the person they chose to date is perfection, everything they want, so on and so forth. But down the line, they start to see more personality traits they might not like, or the chemistry isn't there, or they find more incompatibilities than compatibilities and they don't want to date after all.

 

This is exactly why when first dating, try not to get so caught up in someone so quickly. Don't take things so seriously. Take your time...get to know someone before you start putting so much importance into everything and emotions into everything.

New relationships take time to blossom.

 

You also have to be smart and not get too attached too soon, in case they turn out to be not what you initially thought they were or you end up not liking them or they you.

Live and learn.

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Why do you think you are ruminating on this and questioning what you did?

 

I think we all get caught up in the coulda, shoulda, woulda, thoughts when we are feeling lonely or bored.

 

Any time you stand up for yourself or even just question another person, you have to take their reaction at face value. Someone shady, is definitely going to deflect and turn it on you.

 

Then add in bored and lonely, you're gonna question yourself because it feels like why i am being punished, when I'm a good person!?

 

Its kinda like when we are children... we will play any game, as long as someone is willing to play with us. As the baby in my family, I definitely did! [emoji23]

 

Being single is hard. Its why so many are in crappy relationships. But a leopard does not change his spots. You are better off without this guy.

 

Get comfy being on your own. Its the only way to deal with bad behavior. You can't fix anyone and you owe it to yourself to set good boundaries. Sometimes you just have to be your own best friend... and give yourself a break.

 

Be grateful he hasn't called. He's not a catch.

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Someone shady, is definitely going to deflect and turn it on you. .

 

 

This definitely happened to me, OP. I was seeing a shady guy who I thought was nice several months ago. He stood me up for someone else one night, then turned it around and blamed it on me! What a jerk! Guys like this are not worth it! He did you a favor, he freed you up for someone better!

 

 

 

Its kinda like when we are children... we will play any game, as long as someone is willing to play with us. As the baby in my family, I definitely did! [emoji23]

 

Being single is hard. Its why so many are in crappy relationships. But a leopard does not change his spots. You are better off without this guy.

 

Get comfy being on your own. Its the only way to deal with bad behavior. You can't fix anyone and you owe it to yourself to set good boundaries. Sometimes you just have to be your own best friend... and give yourself a break.

 

Be grateful he hasn't called. He's not a catch.

 

I second this! I always like your posts, Lambert, you always give good advice!

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he cancelled plans twice, without any notice,

 

This would be enough for me to walk away. Whether anybody else would regard that as 'fair' or not wouldn't even be a consideration for me.

 

Nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote. Either a guy is right for ME, or he isn't.

 

Allow lousy matches to pass early, and don't look back. You'll thank yourself later when you meet the right person.

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