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My Girlfriend says she no longer sees a future with me after bad few months


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I didn't know where else to go for advice so, here goes:

 

On the 11th January of this year, me and my girlfriend were on my laptop when a Tinder notification came up in the corner of the screen. I had looked at previous messages between me and my girlfriend the week before when we'd first started talking because I felt I needed reassurance that everything was going to be ok in our relationship as we'd been going through a rough patch.

 

My girlfriend saw the notification and thought I'd been looking at other girls. I made it worse by the fact that I lied first and said I hadn't been on it.

 

A bit of background about myself; I have OCD so checking and reassuring myself is practically second nature.

 

However, a day after the incident, I went overboard and began obsessing that she was going to finish me and bombarded her with texts and calls - even my mother called her - which I didn't know about -because she'd seen me upset - which made things worse. I have a history of depression which my mother referenced which of course sent my girlfriend into a panic - her ex told her he would kill himself if she broke up with him.

 

My girlfriend said she felt trapped and some of the things I did reminded her of her ex such as checking our messages, her messages and feeling left out - he emotionally abused her by making her feel guilty for seeing her friends and not wanting to see him all the time. That really hurt me because I told her she'd never have to go through that ever again. But, I checked for my own obsessional mind; I felt I HAD to check or I would lose her...ironic right?

 

Anyway, she told me she needed space and I tried to oblige. We met up a few days later, but she said things seemed weird and not right. I apologised profusely and told her how I felt about her.

 

We kept saying we would work on it; we went out on a few dates and when we were out, everything felt like it was us again - even she said the same.

 

But, she says she now doesn't feel that we can have a future together. She also has had a history of anxiety and now admits she's depressed (was this my fault? - she says it isn't but I haven't exactly helped). We talked about her going to see a university counsellor this week in an attempt to become happy within herself again.

 

She still says she loves me and cares about me, but that the situation at the time reminded her too much of what went on with her ex - that I made her feel trapped - and her guard immediately came back up. She used to trust me implicitly and now I don't think she can. And, whenever we see each other and sit in her bedroom all night, we literally just go over everything again, look back at all our brilliant memories and just cry.

 

Whenever I see her she hugs me tightly and kisses me all the time, but over text she seems so cold. She keeps saying she needs space to figure everything out, but I'm scared that we'll lose touch. She keeps dropping subtle hints that we won't be together anymore with things such as "when you move on". I don't want to move on, I love her with all my heart.

 

My girlfriend also repeatedly says that I cannot do anything and that this is something she needs to work on by herself - she also gets very stressed with uni work. All I've done is try and reassure her that I'm always here for her if she needs me - I went after work tonight just to talk things through again because she had had a really bad day.

 

I'm really stuck over what to do; I couldn't bear the thought of losing her as she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I think she fears that things would never be the same. Can anyone help?

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How long ago was your girlfriend's break up with her ex? Unfortunately, it seems as though she did not fully recover from her previous relationship before getting into a relationship with you. She is being honest with you when she tells you that there is nothing you can do about her anxiety/depression/residual bad feelings she's held onto from her previous bad relationship; this is something she has to work on herself and try to recover from.

 

As difficult as it may be for you, space is exactly what your girlfriend needs right now. She needs to work on herself and process through her earlier trauma so that she may begin to heal. It was unfortunately a bad decision, on her part, to get into a relationship before she had fully healed from her previous one.

 

While she is working on herself, it wouldn't be a bad idea to take some time to work on your own inner demons. Obsession and constant panic while in a relationship are signs that there is trouble within and should be addressed (especially if you ever hope to be in a healthy, satisfying relationship). Also, having an active Tinder account, while in an exclusive relationship, is an indicator that there is a big problem. You should ask yourself why you feel the need to have it, after you have already supposedly found "the best thing that's ever happened to me".

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I agree with Jen. This feels and reads more about her ex and the breakup with him. Maybe the similarity between oyu both triggered her memories of the break up with him. And just sees it all happening again.

 

At this point there's very little you can do. Just give her loads of space and begin to accept the breakup because that's what it is beginning to become.

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The fact that your mom called her was waaay over the top. And you bombarding her was, too.

 

you could have said, "Honey, i was going into Tinder to read the messages from when we first met. I really should screen shot/download them some how instead. well, why don't i do that right now?" That would have stopped this whole thing.

 

I think you should work on your behavior and needing constant reassurance. And i also think that maybe she was very burned by her ex and that is influencing it, too, but when the day ends, you are only in control of yourself.

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I think you both contributed to this break-up.

 

She doesn't appear to really be over her ex, and your obsessive thinking and behavior had her feeling cornered. It wasn't a mix that was going to blend well.

 

To clarify, how long have you been dating and when did she break up with her ex?

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So you admit you are OCD with some of your behaviour, your girlfriend has said you do worrying things that remind her of what she went through with an ex and to cap it all off, you're not only on Tinder when you're in a relationship but you then tried to cover up by lying about it.

 

If I was your girlfriend I'd be asking for space too. Permanently! Personally the dating notification and lies would be enough to make me realise I deserve a better future with someone else.

 

Are you in therapy for your OCD? Your problems are your problems and you shouldn't be making your girlfriend suffer.

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So you admit you are OCD with some of your behaviour, your girlfriend has said you do worrying things that remind her of what she went through with an ex and to cap it all off, you're not only on Tinder when you're in a relationship but you then tried to cover up by lying about it.

 

If I was your girlfriend I'd be asking for space too. Permanently! Personally the dating notification and lies would be enough to make me realise I deserve a better future with someone else.

 

Are you in therapy for your OCD? Your problems are your problems and you shouldn't be making your girlfriend suffer.

 

Yes I am in therapy for my OCD. The thing is though, she says she now understands why I went on Tinder and gets that.

 

Whenever we see each other, we hug really tightly and she kisses me all over, but then there's always a nagging thouht at the back of her mind. She's depressed, she spent yesterday in bed and when I went to see her, she said she felt like she wanted to end her life.

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Let`s all take a deep breath here.:upset:

 

I want you to clarify why you had this tinder account active. Reads to me you are insecure about your relationship, way before this whole thing happened. So you kept the account as a backup if need be. I might be wrong, but I also think this is what your gf also believes. How is your relationship in general? Are there things that trigger your OCD and obsession with knowning and controlling everything? You don`t seem as a guy who lives his relationship at ease, sounds there is more trouble underneath the surface, even subconciously. Do you trust her? I`m in the spectrum of OCD as well, but it only get triggered when there is reason to be triggered, otherwise I am not afraid to live without checking constantly.

 

On the other hand, I wouldn`t jump to the conclusion that your gf is not over her ex. I`m over my ex but if I see in a relationship patterns of my ex, I will adress them and if not changed I will leave. Because nobody wants to live a bad situation for a second time. But I maybe she is just not sure yet that`s why she is asking for some space. It is a complicated matter. For me it seems she really loves you, but you have hurt her feelings by acting like this and she is confused. Please share more if you feel comfortable. :upset: I would suggest you take some timeas well, maybe go on a trip to clean your thoughts.

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From what you have shared, I too cannot see a future in this relationship. It would seem a series of incidents have now pushed you into a little place called Limbo while she tries to figure out what she wants.

 

Unfortunately, in most cases, there is no coming back from Limbo. The more that you push, the more confused she will get and the more you will push. The only real way out of Limbo, you deciding you have had enough and ending it.

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Sorry to hear this. Get to a physician for an evaluation and a therapist for regular follow up support. It's not the job of others to deal with your OCD. Do not expect anyone you are dating or sleeping with to happily embrace your continued use of hookup apps like tinder, sit and listen to variations on themes of lame excuses, put up with text bombing and worst of all, recruiting your mother to harass her.

 

You need to develop some mature interpersonal skills and cut the apron strings .

my laptop when a Tinder notification came up in the corner of the screen.

However, a day after the incident, I went overboard and began obsessing that she was going to finish me and bombarded her with texts and calls - even my mother called her -

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Let`s all take a deep breath here.:upset:

 

I want you to clarify why you had this tinder account active. Reads to me you are insecure about your relationship, way before this whole thing happened. So you kept the account as a backup if need be. I might be wrong, but I also think this is what your gf also believes. How is your relationship in general? Are there things that trigger your OCD and obsession with knowning and controlling everything? You don`t seem as a guy who lives his relationship at ease, sounds there is more trouble underneath the surface, even subconciously. Do you trust her? I`m in the spectrum of OCD as well, but it only get triggered when there is reason to be triggered, otherwise I am not afraid to live without checking constantly.

 

On the other hand, I wouldn`t jump to the conclusion that your gf is not over her ex. I`m over my ex but if I see in a relationship patterns of my ex, I will adress them and if not changed I will leave. Because nobody wants to live a bad situation for a second time. But I maybe she is just not sure yet that`s why she is asking for some space. It is a complicated matter. For me it seems she really loves you, but you have hurt her feelings by acting like this and she is confused. Please share more if you feel comfortable. :upset: I would suggest you take some timeas well, maybe go on a trip to clean your thoughts.

 

It genuinely wasn't there as a back up. Both of us still had an account even after we became bf/gf purely because we had no reason to go on it anymore so why would we need to go back on it just to delete it? The only thing wrong with that is, when things were going rough, I couldn't resist checking mine (I only did this once) and my gf's messages purely because I wanted reassurance that everything was going to be alright (stupid I know).

 

Our relationship in general has been fantastic, like genuinely happy. But, she says that some things do remind her of the same situation she had with her ex and no matter what I say or do I don't think I can change that. It's almost like 99% has been pure joy, but it's the 1% that reminds her of a past situation.

 

I also think there are other problems. I currently see a counsellor for intense CBT each week due to having a long history of OCD and depression.

 

I do genuinely believe she loves me. I didn't message her this morning because I wanted to honour her space, but she messages me when she wakes up asking if I'm ok. Then, later on in the afternoon, she said she misses me. To me, that's surely not someone that wants to break up:(

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It genuinely wasn't there as a back up. Both of us still had an account even after we became bf/gf purely because we had no reason to go on it anymore so why would we need to go back on it just to delete it? The only thing wrong with that is, when things were going rough, I couldn't resist checking mine (I only did this once) and my gf's messages purely because I wanted reassurance that everything was going to be alright (stupid I know).

 

Our relationship in general has been fantastic, like genuinely happy. But, she says that some things do remind her of the same situation she had with her ex and no matter what I say or do I don't think I can change that. It's almost like 99% has been pure joy, but it's the 1% that reminds her of a past situation.

 

I also think there are other problems. I currently see a counsellor for intense CBT each week due to having a long history of OCD and depression.

 

I do genuinely believe she loves me. I didn't message her this morning because I wanted to honour her space, but she messages me when she wakes up asking if I'm ok. Then, later on in the afternoon, she said she misses me. To me, that's surely not someone that wants to break up:(

 

How does checking a message someone wrote months or years ago give you reassurance more than what is actually happening at present?

When she wrote those messages, she didn't love you, she just was about to meet you or just met you....

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She is right.. she needs to do this on her own.

Maybe she was not quite right & ready to get involved again & should have seeked prof help before she got involved

with you...

You cannnot fix her. Is up to her to work on.. on her own.

As you can maybe see, her mental health and how her last relationship is now spilling into yours.

 

Sounds like she is sitting in doubts... if you understand depression & anxiety.. it is hard for one suffering :(.

 

Be respectful and leave her be, if she's backing off.

 

I feel things are coming to an end in this.. damages are done and too much re: mental health - you cannot fix for her.

 

She does need some help tho, by sounds of it. A lot is affecting her. All takes time.

 

Always sad when a relation comes to an end.. Life is an experience.. In time things will be okay again..

Time and acceptance.

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Ask your mother to take you to a physician for an evaluation and continue therapy. You can manage this but it's crippling you, therefore not being well managed. Right now it's in a self-defeating loop that you expect others to deal with. She pities you but that is not a sound basis for a relationship.

I also think there are other problems. I currently see a counsellor for intense CBT each week due to having a long history of OCD and depression.

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