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Hello

Here is my situation hopefully you can shed some light. Been in a relationship for the last 2 years with my BF. Of course Valentine's Day just pasted and the previous year we exchanged presents. But this year he shows up with nothing. I have to admit I was looking forward to it. He came the day before to spend the night everything was fine woke up next day on Friday did the usual things in the morning. Still nothing I tried to wait it out and said..do you want to do anything today. He said no just stay home and watch tv. I'm like ok. But as the day goes on. I couldn't hide my feelings any longer. I ask nicely, do you know what today is?..he says yes..wondering why we aren't celebrating it and you didn't get me anything I am kinda disappointed. He replies like annoyed.. I don't really celebrate holidays. I said 'That's not true we celebrated last year and you did this..etc." I said "it's not the monetary amount but a card or box of chocolates just something to show me that you appreciate me" . He says don't be silly i do. But then i said it's not really fair I gave you presents on all the holidays (his bday just passed and gave him something really nice) He said you shouldn't have gotten me anything, not necessary. I replied "but that's what couples do in relationships". So Im it kinda blew me away. He never replied with sorry didn't me to hurt you..or we will make it up some other time.. It made me feel like my feelings didn't matter at all. I even said I bet you celebrated it with your ex..he answers well not the last couple years..they were together 7 so ok not all but more then 1 time. Hard for me not to compare to his ex thinking he was more in love with her then me. It was like a wake up call slap in the face. I have never felt this way in any of my relationships regards to holidays (been married 2x ). Unless it was a breakup..but not when your in a happy one?? He even said if you continue I can go home and I gave him a headache now. Please don't misunderstand I am a giving person and treat the person very nice and do things for them to make them feel special. Don't know why I think how you treat others...they would be the same way if your both in love. I have been going thru alot with one of my kids (attempted suicide) and i guess it would have really made my day. BTW I did buy him something expense and decided not to give him it..and am planning to return it. Why should I invest in someone who can care less about me. ps. He makes 2x more money than me...but a card is only a $1.00 so no excuse that maybe he didn't have the money.

 

Please keep comment respectful and be understanding. I feel this is a toxic relationship..possibly he's narcissistic or the least very selfish. Stone walling when every I engage in even the slight subject of us or my thoughts. How can I continue without feeling resentful to him. This is someone I am supposed to be in love with. How come I feel a black cloud has come over my heart. He never expresses his feelings beside I love you. Would he even care if I walked away from this relationship (I don't think so) he would be like.. ok if that what you want. I guess with other signs that were small...it affected my self esteem. What should I do. Thank you for your help..

 

 

Nice Girl Finishes Last

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I feel this is a toxic relationship..possibly he's narcissistic or the least very selfish. Stone walling when every I engage in even the slight subject of us or my thoughts. How can I continue without feeling resentful to him. This is someone I am supposed to be in love with. How come I feel a black cloud has come over my heart. He never expresses his feelings beside I love you. Would he even care if I walked away from this relationship (I don't think so) he would be like.. ok if that what you want. I guess with other signs that were small...it affected my self esteem. What should I do. Thank you for your help..

 

 

Nice Girl Finishes Last

 

I mean if this ^ is what you think about him and how you feel, then you don't stay, you leave. It's odd how you say that this is a happy relationship and then end your post with this. Nothing about this sounds like a good or happy relationship at all.

 

Overall, this looks like a forest of red flags. Meaning that when a person suddenly changes their behavior, it's usually because they are checking out of the relationship or otherwise are taking you for granted. Pay careful attention to what he said about his ex - sure they celebrated except the last two years before break up. What this should tell you is that this guy will become a jerk, but still use you as long as you are willing to put up with his poor treatment of you or until he finds a new replacement for you, whichever comes first. Basically, the writing is already on the wall.

 

So in your shoes, I'd be done with him and focus on my life. It sounds like you have your hands full already and don't need him to drag you down any more. When you get rid of a toxic partner, it's amazing how much better and brighter your life becomes.

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Sorry to hear this. Why is he hanging out at your place this much doing nothing? Unfortunately it sounds like he's become complacent and just enjoys coasting along disregarding your feelings. In other words - checked out.

 

Taking some idiotic "i don't believe in it" rebel stance to stick it to you is something you need to observe and take note of in the contexts of the rest of his laziness and coasting.

 

It's possible his ex dumped him finally because of what you are seeing now. Do not be his free bed and breakfast with benefits. kick him to the curb.

He came the day before to spend the night everything was fine woke up next day on Friday did the usual things in the morning. He said no just stay home and watch tv. I'm like ok. I even said I bet you celebrated it with your ex..he answers well not the last couple years..they were together 7 so ok not all but more then 1 time.
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Woah, before we get overwhelmed here, is it just this V day that is the problem or do you constantly notice the same pattern? Like, he is not giving as much as you want in your relationship or that your languages of expressing love are completely different?

 

Bringing the ex into the conversation was a mistake. You don`t live in a current relationship what you lived or didn`t live in a past one. They are completely different things. But his unwillingness to have a conversation about your feelings and trying to educate himself on how his partner sees things is a red flag. If he is making you feel underappreciated and undervalued (is this a word ?) all the time, then I suggest you take time to reconsider the relationship. Yet it would be wise not to base your judgement on a single event.

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Thanks for your comments...I should have not put down happy as if everything is perfect..its not or I wouldn't be posting on here. He's damaged goods..i've come to realize or maybe emotionally unavailable. I too have baggage but i start a clean slate with each person I enter into a relationship with. I know i wrote toxic because i feel I can't communicate at all with him about serious things like our relationship or feelings..he's always like everything is ok..and changes subject. We are not intimate at ALL do to the fact he has issues with that department and wont go to doc or address the issue..I nagged him for a year about that.. and nothing. He told me he has no desire and it doesn't bother him. And I'm like hello I still do. So I have sacrificed a lot here but for what...This issue i guess happened 3 months before we met. So before that he was intimate..with exs...except me now. So I resent that too..

 

His last gf and his ex wife of 20+ years both cheated on him. So I assume he things all woman will cheat. So maybe he feels not to try because it will happen again. Don't know. We are both over 50 so I guess I thought we were on the same page when it came to treating a person. I do have to say he shows civary and affection at times. He makes time for me hes retired I still work. We do things but am I just companionship or his love..And I understand VD is just another day... But xmas that just passed he didn't get me anything and said he couldn't because he bought a car and so his funds were gone. So I assumed that he was going to surprise me on VD.

 

Here's another example he likes to make me jealous with actresses on tv and how attractive they are...im like what? That too has never happened to me before. Why would he feel its ok..just to get a reaction from me. So that too brings me down. My self confidence sucks now after these 2 years..and I know im settling just so I wont be alone. Thats why im so confused.

 

I know the answer but its difficult to get out of a relationship that you invested your heart and time into it.

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Invested in what exactly? He won't have sex with you, categorically refuses. I mean without intimacy, you are just friends. But you aren't friends either because he doesn't seem to care about you, your feelings, etc. What exactly do you love about this?

 

You have only one life to live and you want to waste another minute of your precious time on this planet on this? What's going on with you? Serious question. This "relationship" sounds like a disaster from day one and not even a relationship, but more like a situationship where you are desperately trying to cling on to even though you are miserable....and rightfully so. At this point, you can't even blame him - you are punishing yourself.

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I know your right about everything...we have a lot in common with hobbies and doing things that kept me around. I guess that my experience with dating after my divorce was so difficult and finding someone who I thought was on the same page was hard to find and at first I thought we were a good fit. I now opened my eyes like am I doing. I overlooked the red flags now..i come to realize it. The sex issue came later and I tried to be patient and that seem to not work either. So your right I'm the one to blame for my misery. So now what...what would you say to him.. or say nothing..and just start being unavailable and focus on myself for now.

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Unfortunately it sounds like every once in a while he's decent and not as selfish self-serving as usual.. Even if your divorce was difficult and you are over 50, you don't have to settle for someone this selfish.

 

It seem the reason he's "available" is because the smart women keep throwing him back in the pond. Does he have ED or other heath conditions?

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Yes your right He does do things to help me and I do appreciate it when that happens..I guess that why I gave him the benefit of the doubt for so long.

I assume its ed and other issues relating to that.....but normal health issues i would know because he avoids going to doctor only if its a last resort or its an emergency.

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I know your right about everything...we have a lot in common with hobbies and doing things that kept me around. I guess that my experience with dating after my divorce was so difficult and finding someone who I thought was on the same page was hard to find and at first I thought we were a good fit. I now opened my eyes like am I doing. I overlooked the red flags now..i come to realize it. The sex issue came later and I tried to be patient and that seem to not work either. So your right I'm the one to blame for my misery. So now what...what would you say to him.. or say nothing..and just start being unavailable and focus on myself for now.

 

I would simply tell him that this isn't working out for me anymore and that's all. If you think he'll come begging and making promises and so on, then I'd just fade out. I think you need to protect yourself and your own sanity here and if you are afraid at all that he'll pull you back into this dynamic, do whatever you have to do to remove him in a way that you don't take him back and turn this into an even more toxic on/off dynamic.

 

The other factor is that common hobbies and interests are nice, but they do not make for good relationships. Look for common values instead and also pay attention that the man is good consistently so. As for companionship, you'd be better off working on developing some good friendships within those hobbies so you don't feel alone/lonely. When you have a strong support base of good friends, then you'll become naturally more discerning and less likely to tolerate a man who is not good for you.

 

There are plenty of good men out there in your age range. Raise your standards, but honestly, build up a better personal life as well. Don't ever make your life about a man.

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I'll go against the grain here in that I believe that both couples should be romantic with Valentine's if feelings are mutual and if it's really important to the lady which usually is for ladies. Flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals with cutsie sayings on them, special dinners at a nice restaurant and the like are demonstrations of love and care for each others feelings.

 

One of the Valentine's gifts I remember from my BF or fiance (now husband) was a pretty necklace he gave me which I wore a lot.

 

If your BF is incompatible regarding acknowledgment and romance in this arena, perhaps he's not for you.

 

It was a faux pas to compare yourself with his ex. I'm sure you know by now that you shouldn't have impulsively said that.

 

My husband and I no longer exchange Valentine's gifts as we had done long ago but that's ok because we have a mutual agreement. I don't want flowers because they just die. I don't eat chocolates. However, I have free reign to treat myself to some online shopping! :p I'll treat myself to a designer handbag, shoes, clothes, perfume and the like every now and then. I don't need to wait for holidays. If we eat home cooked meals at home, we'll go out to eat during other random times without rhyme nor reason. He wanted something to wash his car with (some contraption) so he bought himself that. The other day, he wanted to buy a small refrigerator for his office at work so I told him to go ahead and buy it. It works for us.

 

If I were you, I'd want a boyfriend who went the extra mile to do something for me. My husband was that way and at the time, it was very nice. (I outgrew Valentine's and prefer to get what I really want at random throughout the year).

 

My thoughts are: If you want your boyfriend to partake in Valentine's traditions, either ask him to celebrate Valentine's with you with gifts of expression or accept him as is without fanfare which I doubt you'll be satisfied with.

 

He sounds like he engages in gaslighting. (Google that word.) Gaslighters, toxic people and narcissists are all mental illnesses for which there is no cure. :upset:

 

As for you, either accept your BF as is or realize he's not for you because he won't be the type of man you want. He's not the romantic type meaning demonstrative with cards, bouquets, gifts, fine dining and the like.

 

If he wouldn't care if you walked away from the relationship as you say, this is extremely alarming! He's not that invested in you, confusedmee. These signs are NOT small! They're huge! :eek:

 

What you should do: Question if you could see yourself with your BF long term and if not, prepare to really make your exit because you deserve a man who will treat you as if you matter.

 

Btw, Nice Girls Finish First. I'm living proof of that! :p

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Thank you for your kind words...i have come to reality now. Seems I always give people the benefit of the doubt, hoping that they will prove me wrong. I know being in a good relationship your not posting questions and googling forums trying to figure out the person and ignoring red flags. He also has made it clear if things don't work out between us, he will never enter a relationship again. Not sure what that truly means..being that we never fight. (maybe prefers to be by himself, i'm the opposite)

So I decided to close this chapter of my life soon and hope someday I will meet a better person who truly appreciates me. Thanks again for your opinion.

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Excellent you ended things. He is just too burned-out and lazy.

 

Agree. This sounds like voodoo nonsense.

 

He'll be hunting for a new victim for his lazy nonsense again. He's an emotional vampire 🧛

He also has made it clear if things don't work out between us, he will never enter a relationship again. Not sure what that truly means.
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