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Advice wanted


Joanne1985
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Meet a man about a month ago started talking then meet, the date went fine, he messaged me about half an hour after asking when we could meet again. Next day, didnt message much, i made a comment about it not being a good sign he said im just busy i replied with its fine then he messaged i dont think i have time for a relationship. I replied ok. That was a week ago, havent heard from since. Normally i wouldnt be bothered but for some reason this time i am, im not sure why. I just dont understand how easy its been for him to stop talking to me, did he like me but just not enough to be with me, was he talking to someone else and gave me the relationship excuse so he could keep me on the back burner, surely he would of messaged by now if he was going to message again, he said to me that people say they like each other and then just stop talking but thats exactly what hes done to me.

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You pushed too hard, too fast. He didn't do as you wanted after the first date, you pressured him.

 

Dating is meant to be fun, and you made it work. There shouldn't be any criteria about how soon he sets up another date or even texts you after the first date.

 

Try to be more laid back and not take things so seriously. You barely gave the guy a chance.

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It was a first date. People need time to think things through, new relationships can be daunting and sometimes scary (even for guys)...you're opening yourself up to someone.

It might have been the case too that he truly was busy and you didn't believe him, which made him unhappy. But being as it was so new, it made him run.

 

It's okay to be nervous and worried at least to some degree when a relationship is new. The key is not to let the other person know or try to pressure or control how it goes.

You liked him a lot, you were scared he didn't like you back as much, so you started pressuring him. I think lots of people do the same thing..it's not easy being vulnerable.

 

Maybe next time around, try to play it more cool. Give the guy a chance. Yes, there are going to be some jerks out there, but not all of them will be.

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I forgot that after i put ok he wrote back saying hey at least we tried, thinking about it now your right i didnt give it chance to play out weather it would of been positive or negative. I do wish i hadnt of done what i did, hes the first man i liked since my ex maybe thats why i put pressure on it.

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A first date is just that. It's not the beginning of a relationship. I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't have made any comment about his texting habits. I would have felt pressured, too, even if I liked the guy. What you should have done and what you should do the next time you meet someone is to be more laid back and let things take their course.

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Meet a man about a month ago started talking then meet, the date went fine, he messaged me about half an hour after asking when we could meet again. Next day, didnt message much, i made a comment about it not being a good sign

 

It doesn't sound too bad, what exactly did you say?

 

I said we havent spoke much today, i dont think thats a good sign

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Relax. Don't date if you are angry. After one meet having relationships talks about how much he messages is a bit too much.

Next day, didnt message much, i made a comment about it not being a good sign he said im just busy i replied with its fine then he messaged i dont think i have time for a relationship.
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Ok, I don`t think you came off as needy or anything. It was just a remark that he could have laughed it off if he wanted to keep seeing you. So if he vanished just because you said something as unimportant as that or if he didn`t want a relationship, good riddance and good luck with YOUR future. His was propably such a player he saw just from one sentence of yours that you want something more and he was like "douches". He saved you actually. :tongue:

 

 

If guys are soooo damn scared with questions like this, are they even men in the first place of 5 year old boys? I`m sick with the woman shaming "don`t do this it`s needy" "don`t say that you will scare him away" "it was how you said this that pushed him away" yadayadyada.... arg...I disagree. We are so pressured to act, speak and be the "cool" chick that doesn`t care and God forbid if we want more. Let`s not scare those precious little Peter Pans. (sorry I had to vent it out)....:eek:

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Do you normally go on many dates? Did you meet this man online? As someone who does ongoing online dating, I've kind of realised that with dating you always have to "play it cool". Don't probe the person and ask if they're interested or why they're not replying and so on. You basically have to act very laid back. It seems you're really over analyzing this. You only had one date so it's not like he was obliged to be in a relationship with you or anything. In most cases the reason why people are not interested is because they're not feeling any chemistry. Messaging him again would be desperate because he already told you he's not interested. I'm not trying to be rude but usually when someone says: "I'm not looking for a relationship", they actually mean with YOU. They probably are looking for it but they don't want to keep seeing you because there wasn't any spark. Don't ever message guys after they already rejected you. It's not only a waste of your time but it comes off as really full-on.

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Ok, I don`t think you came off as needy or anything. It was just a remark that he could have laughed it off if he wanted to keep seeing you. So if he vanished just because you said something as unimportant as that or if he didn`t want a relationship, good riddance and good luck with YOUR future. His was propably such a player he saw just from one sentence of yours that you want something more and he was like "douches". He saved you actually. :tongue:

 

 

If guys are soooo damn scared with questions like this, are they even men in the first place of 5 year old boys? I`m sick with the woman shaming "don`t do this it`s needy" "don`t say that you will scare him away" "it was how you said this that pushed him away" yadayadyada.... arg...I disagree. We are so pressured to act, speak and be the "cool" chick that doesn`t care and God forbid if we want more. Let`s not scare those precious little Peter Pans. (sorry I had to vent it out)....:eek:

 

I think your right, the comment i made was letting him know what i thought. I think i was the one playing it cool. Before we meet he said to meet that if i didnt like him it would break his heart, i think thats why the lack of communication after the date bothered me. I think he liked me but not enough to want to be with me and saw what i said as an out without having to hurt my feelings. I think it just bothered me because i felt a connection which i dont find often with people.

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Do you normally go on many dates? Did you meet this man online? As someone who does ongoing online dating, I've kind of realised that with dating you always have to "play it cool". Don't probe the person and ask if they're interested or why they're not replying and so on. You basically have to act very laid back. It seems you're really over analyzing this. You only had one date so it's not like he was obliged to be in a relationship with you or anything. In most cases the reason why people are not interested is because they're not feeling any chemistry. Messaging him again would be desperate because he already told you he's not interested. I'm not trying to be rude but usually when someone says: "I'm not looking for a relationship", they actually mean with YOU. They probably are looking for it but they don't want to keep seeing you because there wasn't any spark. Don't ever message guys after they already rejected you. It's not only a waste of your time but it comes off as really full-on.

 

I did meet him online. Ive stayed single the last 7 months since my relationship of 2 years broke down. This was my first date, i wasnt really looking for anything just to chat and see but he convinced me to try a date, i kind of already guessed about the relationship thing, just threw me a bit because he was fine after the date and still making an effort and the next day it went down hill. Maybe he went back online and started talking to other people again and decided he must not of liked me that much.

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Ok maybe you're not ready to date if you stall with meeting in person and then become confrontational after one date. If you are hurt/angry about your breakup perhaps engage in some interests, talk to friends, family and consider some short term therapy to sort things out. But don't use dating sites for pen pals or read anyone the riot act after one meeting because they didn't text all day.

I Ive stayed single the last 7 months since my relationship of 2 years broke down. This was my first date, i wasnt really looking for anything just to chat and see but he convinced me to try a date.
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I think you have to just chalk this up to getting back in the proverbial pond, adjusting to the temperature of the water, or perhaps realizing you need a touch more time before wading in. In short, this stuff happens. A lot. Give it a week or a month, and you're likely to find yourself suddenly losing interest in a man because he did something or said something—something that seemed tiny to him!—that made you decide to opt out.

 

Is there a guy out there who would have taken your comment in stride, even "stepped up" by texting you hourly to erase that "bad sign"? Sure. Thing about that guy? He would be rewarding your skittishness, your nerves, your anxiety, even, perhaps, a low-simmering anger left over from your last relationship. Which, in the long run, or even the short, might not be what you sincerely want: a connection built on eggshells. That this date started with a pressurized overture from him—that his heart would break if you no likey him—is a decent sign that he was in his own version of skittish state. Happens. Like, after all, seeks like.

 

No, don't message him. He's one of a zillion guys, and one who told you he's no longer feeling it. Respect that, and respect yourself. While I despise the phrase "play it cool," and find nothing edgier than dating a woman who I can sense is "playing it cool," I personally find it important to know that I can date someone who is genuinely "cool" enough to handle a slight dip in communication, since to me that speaks of being in an emotionally healthy place that will make for a more secure relationship, should it get there.

 

Stuff to think about, or not, as you dust off and continue to explore other connections.

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I think you have to just chalk this up to getting back in the proverbial pond, adjusting to the temperature of the water, or perhaps realizing you need a touch more time before wading in. In short, this stuff happens. A lot. Give it a week or a month, and you're likely to find yourself suddenly losing interest in a man because he did something or said something—something that seemed tiny to him!—that made you decide to opt out.

 

Is there a guy out there who would have taken your comment in stride, even "stepped up" by texting you hourly to erase that "bad sign"? Sure. Thing about that guy? He would be rewarding your skittishness, your nerves, your anxiety, even, perhaps, a low-simmering anger left over from your last relationship. Which, in the long run, or even the short, might not be what you sincerely want: a connection built on eggshells. That this date started with a pressurized overture from him—that his heart would break if you no likey him—is a decent sign that he was in his own version of skittish state. Happens. Like, after all, seeks like.

 

No, don't message him. He's one of a zillion guys, and one who told you he's no longer feeling it. Respect that, and respect yourself. While I despise the phrase "play it cool," and find nothing edgier than dating a woman who I can sense is "playing it cool," I personally find it important to know that I can date someone who is genuinely "cool" enough to handle a slight dip in communication, since to me that speaks of being in an emotionally healthy place that will make for a more secure relationship, should it get there.

 

Stuff to think about, or not, as you dust off and continue to explore other connections.

 

I understand what your saying, i think it threw me because he said he didnt have time for a relationship but i never said i wanted one and now i realise it was a nice way for him to say he wanted to leave it. I didnt bother me that much the communication, i think i really made the comment i dont think its a good sign because i felt something was off on his part. I think its just because its the first time it ever happened to me, im not used to it and it played on my mind but reading the comments ive realised he isnt going to text and im going to let it go. I think your right i am still angry about the end of my last relationship and am not ready to date and dont really want to. Probably the rejection that bothered me more so than the person that did it.

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Ok maybe you're not ready to date if you stall with meeting in person and then become confrontational after one date. If you are hurt/angry about your breakup perhaps engage in some interests, talk to friends, family and consider some short term therapy to sort things out. But don't use dating sites for pen pals or read anyone the riot act after one meeting because they didn't text all day.

 

I think your right, i should of let it run its course instead of messaging what i did but i think it would of still been the same outcome. I dont think i have the patience or desire for dating at the moment

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I think if you aren't ready to date, then don't.

 

If you do want to get back into it, then change your approach. With online, better to spend less time talking and just set up a quick meet and greet - coffee, happy hour, ice cream somewhere nice and very public. Something very very simple where you can meet, talk, see if you actually click in real life and then set up a proper date for later on or make your exit quickly because it's not working.

 

What you don't want to do is talk a lot before you meet because it creates this false sense of connection and then when you meet face to face and find out that chemistry is lacking or whatever is not clicking, rejection becomes this huge deal or any change in contact frequency/intensity makes you feel anxious, thus the comment you made.

 

Personally, I'd just chalk this up to getting the rust off your dating wheels.

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Do you think its worth messaging him, should probably mention i deleted him off facebook

 

Um, well, saying you don't think it's a good sign is going a little too far after the first date. I mean, he doesn't owe you anything, he doesn't have to text you if he doesn't want to.

 

Deleting him off Facebook -- were you Facebook friends already after only one date? Is this the only way you can contact him, or do you have his number?

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I think you are either not ready to date or this was just a classic case of incompatibility and lack of attraction. I think you are reading too much into this.

 

Deep down I think it's a mix of both. Take more time for yourself. Read the signs if someone's not interested. Move in politely.

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honestly, there is more chat in the beginning to achieve the goal of getting a date. after he set a second date, he just needs to contact you to confirm the date and look forward to seeing you then. as long as a date was set for a few days later, i would not insist on constant contact as if you were already in a 3 year relationship. cut guys a little slack. its not interesting to be in constant contact

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