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My abusive ex-boyfriend has cancer and asked to see me. Help


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I have a long time to post here.. I find this forum really helpful from time to time. Thank you all for you time and kindness.

 

One decade ago when I was 17 I had my first relationship. I dont want to go into details about how this worked out, but it broke me to a thousand pieces. He was mentally and physically abusive and made me suffer for a long time.

you can read my story here if you want

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548602

 

It took me nearly 3 years to get over punishing and blaming myself for what happened to me. I forgave him for what he did so I can forgive myself and find peace and be ok in my new relationship and life. I have not seen him since we broke up. I dont have feeling for him anymore.

He calls me or messages me like twice a year, either late at night drunk saying he still loves me and he is sorry, or at day saying he would like to see me some time for a coffee. He says he just wants to check if I am ok. He tells me he is sorry every time. He also said that he went to a therapist after we broke up. Fast forward to a while back (I think september) I moved back in my hometown where he lives too. I met one of our mutual "friends" and he said that my ex had a small health problem and had to stay in the hospital for a while.

So he called me yesterday (his twice a year phonecall) and asked me to go for a coffee (I turn him down everytime). I said no and he said I had to try, and asked how I was and when I asked him I remembered about what that friend told me and I asked him. He did not want to tell me at first but eventually he did. He has thyroid cancer and it has spread to other places too. He says that doctors believe there is hope. He sounded cool about it. I freaked out. He said that he called me because he wants to talk to me before he is submitted for his operation in a week from now. I freaked out told him that I have a bussiness call on the other line and I will think about it closed the phone and cried my heart out.

Whatever he did to me he does not deserve this. He is only 27.

I have wished him death so many times when angry. I cannot describe how I feel.

Should I go? Give him the chance to say he is sorry but risk my emotional well being?

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You don’t even know he has this. At the risk of sounding callous preserve yourself and block him on everything. I am sorry he is laying all this on you.

 

I am sure he says the truth. I checked with mutual friends today. He has it...

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You can scream to the heavens you’re healed and over him but your quoted post ‘need to get this off my chest’ and this post scream the opposite.

 

The fact that you not only allow your abuser to call you twice a year but answer the phone...

 

Let’s not pretend.

 

I was in an abusive relationship as well so I completely get what a mindf*ck it is and how emotionally damaging it is, I share a child with this man so I forgave him, recognized my own dysfunction and have moved forward. Want to know how I know I’ve moved forward? If he told me he was dying of cancer, beyond feeling grief for my child and figuring out that journey, I’d have no reason to be involved.

 

That’s not me being callous or cold, it’s just reality, imagine going for coffee with every ex anytime anything bad happened to them. Of course you wouldn’t.

 

I realize death changes the playing field a bit but it still doesn’t justify allowing him not only to call you but to contemplate meeting up with him.

 

I think it’s time for you to move forward, admit you aren’t healed yet and begin that journey.

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Sorry to hear this. Why isn't he blocked on all messaging and social media platforms? Unfortunately everything you are describing is typical ongoing abuser behavior that for some odd reason you continue to allow into your life. Don't believe a word he says and block him.

 

Even though you seem attached to his antics, My advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548602&p=6975445&viewfull=1#post6975445

He calls me or messages me like twice a year, either late at night drunk saying he still loves me

So he called me yesterday.

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The best answer is here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548602&p=6975445&viewfull=1#post6975445

 

I don`t care he has cancer. I don`t care if he doesn`t have cancer. I also don`t care about your feelings or his right now. I care for the simple truth of how good he is at what he is doing. After all he did, he still got you thinking about him, caring about him, answering his calls, crying about him. I don`t judge you, believe me. But you have to wake up girl. I mean right now please. I said that I don`t care about your feelings because your feelings and your security and well being are completely opposite and you should really do a reality check. Shake your head, this man was a monster to you! Chin up beautiful! You have a new life in front of you!!! Bad for him, it`s not nice , it is sad but you DONT HAVE TO FEEL SAD OR ACT ON IT!

 

Block him asap, focus on your loved ones and cut off any mutual "friends" and all communication with them. They are so concerned about him being ill, where were they when the saw how he treated you? I`ll pray for you, to find peace inside you. Don`t feel guilty about it honey.

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I would not only never see him again, I would not take his phone calls. That's me. You get to do whatever you want, but it makes no sense to claim that it will traumatize you if you opt to willingly participate.

 

Only children are dependent on appeasing their abusers. Adults make their own choices.

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Change your phone number, only give it to the ones who are not going to share it with an abuser.

 

Block him from every contact point, social media. Do not set your FB profile to public. Share any postings only with friends and family. Exclude people if they let him see what you are doing.

 

Get your linkdin profile set to private too.

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OP abusers will never leave you alone until YOU put a hard stop to it. They aren't sorry, they don't change ever. The contact and you actually answering the phone is a power play for him. He still has power over you in his mind every single time you respond, every single time you humor his bs "I'm sorry" he is getting off on duping you. He already knows that you are weak and vulnerable to abuse, someone who can be manipulated. Yes, you walked away, but he also knows that eventually you'll have a weak moment and he can pull you right back into more abuse, so he keeps contacting you thinking that statistically some day you'll fall back into his trap.

 

Please block his number. Do not talk to him, do not talk about him with any mutual friends or acquaintances and if they bring him up, tell them point blank you are not interested. This guy meant to harm you and he will harm you again given half a chance, his illness doesn't change a thing. Btw, people like him will lie to others as well, not just you. Only his doctor knows the truth and what is going on. A minor surgery and he might well be telling the world he is dying to get attention and use it to manipulate people. This is what abusers do. They are walking living breathing psychopaths and some can go to pretty extreme lengths to create believable lies and stories.

 

I will say this again - block him on all fronts. Never ever ever speak to him again. Do not answer any numbers you don't recognize. Get additional counseling for yourself because as another poster pointed out, you are still not quite healed and not over the abuse you've suffered at this monster's hands. You still haven't accepted fully who he is and that everything he did to you was intentional and calculated. He meant to destroy you and he still means to destroy you - put that into your phone to remind yourself any time you get the urge to respond to him.

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He is not your friend. He is not your beloved family member. He has friends, and likely family members, who care about his well-being. Leave them all to it, and leave yourself out of it. He is in your past where he needs to be.

 

Tell your friends you no longer want to hear news of him. Like other posters have strongly suggested, block him in every way. You can't have closure on this time in your life when he keeps reminding you of his presence. Your time is precious, and you are driving your own life, choosing who you talk to and what activities to engage in. If you're choosing even seconds of that precious time on someone who abused you, then definitely therapy is needed to bring you to a place where you'll be choosing better decisions for your life.

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He's trying to get that emotional pull and hook out of you. Don't succumb to his manipulating trick even though he's telling the truth about his cancer.

 

You need to cease all contact with your ex-bf once and for and all. I agree with others regarding blocking and deleting. You can ghost him, too. However, if you wish to remain tactful,tell him gently but firmly that while you're very sorry to hear of his diagnosis, it's time to go your separate ways PERMANENTLY. Then end your relationship and correspondence with him immediately. As long as you continue to revert to your previous toxic, dysfunctional relationship with your ex-bf, you can never heal your mental and physical health.

 

Avoid sociopaths, users, narcissists, manipulators, gaslighters and deviants like the plague!

 

I too feel very sorry for certain relatives, in-laws, friends and acquaintances in my life. A great many of them are fraught with extreme troubles which pale to mine in comparison. They have major health woes, autoimmune disorders, financial fiascos and a whole laundry list of personal turmoils galore. Some are embarrassed and ashamed by their significant others due to their outlandish behaviors which will get them into legal trouble. There's even a pervert husband thrown in the mix and fortunately, she and her husband reside 400 miles away from my relatives and me.

 

There's the dark side to their characters. Certain people are "package deals" warts and all. Their unsavory personalities are real deal breakers for me. I'm not the type to tolerate disrespect which is a form of psychological abuse and avoidable distress. This is why I keep certain people at arm's length, avoid them as much as possible, eliminate some of them if feasible and enforce strong, healthy boundaries with the remaining people whom I cross paths with periodically.

 

When I was younger, people pulled at my heart strings easily. I'm a very compassionate person by nature. Then my naivete got the best of me and I felt used, hurt, discarded and ignored by some people who didn't appreciate all I had done for them and the cherry on top of this sundae was they habitually offended and insulted me. I was done and exited several relationships / friendships because of it.

 

I even cut certain people out of my life if they CHRONICALLY interrupt me. They're OUT. There's absolutely no excuse for habitual rudeness. It's over.

 

I'd be the first to race to anyone's doorstep with home cooked dinners in tow. I give away a lot of money to anyone whose lives are turned upside down. I'll knock myself out for others as long as they've treated me with respect, care, love, loyalty and consideration in the past. I repay them thousandfold for life. I'm very loyal and devoted to the core just as I've been to my local BFF ever since we were 9 years old. She and her family did a lot for me when I was a child and when I had nothing to give. She was my maid-of-honor and brought home cooked meals to me when I brought my newborn sons home from the hospital. I couldn't reciprocate long ago but since I have the means and time nowadays, now is the time when I'm doing a lot for her. Her son had major surgery. I've been bringing homemade dinners to her and her family, gave a very generous Visa gift card for her son and I'll continue to give of myself during her time of need. I care.

 

However, I'm not giving nor generous of my labor, time, energy and resources to those who've tested me sorely in the past. I'm not a dog nor is my love unconditional. Love and respect is a two way street. Sure, I'm a peaceful person and will remain civil but I'm not nice if people aren't nice to me. I don't argue and my fighting days are over. I simply withdraw as should you with your ex-bf. I've since learned to pull back. If anyone I know is having a current bad situation, I pray for them and wish them well from afar but I don't bother them and they sure as heck better not bother me either. I don't trust people after they burn me. My sentiment is universal.

 

If I must cross paths with certain unavoidable people, I still maintain a safe distance and any conversations whether verbal or written are polite, brief and superficial at best. I'm very cautious and hopefully you are, too. It's actually to your benefit and survival to be more cold and calculating because logic and reasoning consumes your brain as opposed to allowing emotion to cloud your judgment. Be sensible and you're less apt to suffer harsh consequences later. Take it from me. I've since learned the hard way. My conscience is clear as yours will be, too once you think logically.

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I read your past thread and feel so much for you. 😔 He was a monster and you are finally free from this. You need to block this guy, you owe him nothing. Don't get sucked back in, please stay far away. Answering his calls only shows u have a soft spot for him. You deserve to feel safe.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We can love everyone - from a proper distance. In some cases, that is a lot of distance!

 

An expression of sincere respect for what you have experienced would be to respect your distance, not to ask you to violate your own boundaries. Isn't that how it all began?

 

I say: keep your distance. I regret that some people use death as a manipulative tool, but its the truth. I've seen it.

 

If you have something to say, a desire to express absolution or some such, then find a way to express that from a distance.

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You people are heartless. You reaching out because someone could be on their death bed is more a reflection of her than the guy. Life is short. Death is the final frontier. My recommendation would be to wait visit then cut him out completely afterwards.

 

Codependent thinking at its finest. ^^^^

 

OP: Do not get involved with him again. Seek out therapy to figure out why you would allow this monster to continue to have this kind of hold over you to the point that you have allowed him to contact you two times a year. He should be blocked. You give people like him the gift of moving on. You give yourself the same gift and YOU should be YOUR first priority.

 

If you think it will "eat up at you if he dies" then you defo still have not healed from what he has done to you. You can be sorry he died without having to help him through it or make yourself feel better for it by going to meet with him. Give your lack of confidence a boost by being able to tell him that you are wishing him a good out come but you are not going to meet with him. PERIOD!

 

Thyroid cancer treatment has a very high success rate. What are you going to do when he survives and you have given him the idea that you are open to being his emotional/physical/psychological punching bag again?

 

Newsflash... he still has a psychological hold on you that you would do well to get personal therapy to help you banish him from your psyche.

 

Good luck, stay gone for your own sake.

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You people are heartless. You reaching out because someone could be on their death bed is more a reflection of her than the guy. Life is short. Death is the final frontier. My recommendation would be to wait visit then cut him out completely afterwards.

 

You can forgive someone and be free of them. Forgiveness is also for YOURSELF. You don’t need to run to an abuser because they are dying. They have their own family.

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