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My ex-boyfriend won’t stop hitting on my best friend/roommate. What do I do?


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To try to make a long story as short as possible, my ex-boyfriend and I, who had been together for almost a year, broke up about a month ago. The reason we broke up is because he contacted my best friend/roommate and tried to hook up with her while I was studying abroad in Europe (oh, and he did it on our 11-month anniversary too, but that’s beside the point.) Needless to say, she called me and told me everything when it happened, I severed all contact with him immediately, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I had thought that that would be the end of it, but now I am back in the USA and living with my roommate again for the rest of the school year. Last night she casually mentioned to me that my ex has been Snapchatting her to have casual conversations and she made it sound like she had been responding to him too. This took me by surprise because she hadn’t told me anything about this until now. It just doesn’t sit right with me that my best friend, who my ex-boyfriend tried to cheat on me with, is entertaining his advances on her at all. I am honestly quite pissed off that she didn’t tell me about this when it happened and has been so secretive and nonchalant about it. I was kind of in too much shock to ask many questions about it at the time but it hasn’t stopped bothering me since. I don’t know how to approach the situation now because I feel like I’m not going to be able to stay friends with her if this keeps happening. It’s just too hurtful for me to be constantly hearing about him trying to get with her, especially when she is being shady and communicating with him behind my back. I know the mature thing to do is to just ignore it and move on with my life but it’s just hard for me to do when I am feeling so disrespected like this. What should I do now? I am really terrible with confrontation and I hate drama but I don’t think I can stand to keep putting myself in this toxic environment for the next four months. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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Sorry to hear this. Sadly both this exbf and your friend sound like a couple of snakes. It it possible to delete both of them and all their people from all your social media and messaging apps? Avoid this roommate until you can arrange to move out. Do not confide in her and be out as often as possible. Make a better class of friends.

broke up about a month ago. The reason we broke up is because he contacted my best friend/roommate and tried to hook up with her while I was studying abroad in Europe. It just doesn’t sit right with me that my best friend, who my ex-boyfriend tried to cheat on me with, is entertaining his advances on her at all.
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This girl is not really a friend to you.

 

She was right to inform you that he had tried to cheat with her, yes. But the continued, secretive communication makes me wonder if she was motivated to tell you so that you would dump him and she could have a go with him. I also wonder why she would tell you they've been in touch unless she wanted to feel out your reaction to them getting closer.

 

Either way? It's time to start looking for a new roommate. Otherwise you might one morning find them in the kitchen making coffee together in their pajamas.

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I think before you jump off the deep end assuming the worst, verify that your assumptions are actually correct, aka talk to your friend more and clarify what is all going on there. Be sure that you are cool and calm when you do this.

 

If it turns out that your assumptions were correct, then you know this girl is a friend to no one, least of all herself. Think about it, if she is willing to get involved with a cheater, how low is her self worth? It's almost comically pathetic. Rather than being angry, I'd be pitying her. Either way, I'd end the friendship, treat her as arms length roommate/stranger and move on out as soon as the lease is out. It's a case of you can't fix stupid and you shouldn't waste any personal mental space or energy on either of them. Better to focus on your studies, other friends, hobbies, parties, etc, etc, etc than two losers.

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I usually err on side of caution. So don't jump to conclusions.

 

This is a best friend... when you are alone and hanging out, tell her something has been bothering you and you want to hear what actually happened with the ex boyfriend.

 

LISTEN MORE THAN TALK!

 

That will tell you what you need to know. Keep asking open ended questions... like how did he start talking to her? How often was this going on? What were her thoughts? What does she think is his game? How would she handle this if she were you?

 

Unfortunately, she's gotta be a snake before you accuse her.

 

Gage how this convo goes... start thinking about how you can distance yourself from her. Do you have any friends that are not friends with her?

 

Lean on those friends. That's why its always good to have lots of groups of friends... makes for easy exits with very little suspicion.

 

Totally sucks. I know. Hang in there.

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I have a saying. . that stray cats don't come around unless someone is feeding them

Someone is feeding this cat, or he'd grow weary from being shut down and go elsewhere.

Why is it he's still coming around? That would be a question for your best friend.

 

Love this!

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I agree that chatting with your friend before making any hasty decisions and jumping to conclusions first is a good idea. Think about what you want to ask before you approach her.

 

I think your spidey senses could be right though, and I wouldn't be surprised if your friend has been fuelling your ex's advances & enjoying the attention. At least, that's the impression I'm getting from your post.

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All adults being equal, I'd allow others to manage their own interactions as I stay out of it. I'd tell friend that my ex is an ex for a reason, so we can talk about anything in the world but him, and I'd ask her to agree that he never ends up in our home. Then whatever happens can happen without my knowledge or concern.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello everyone, thank you all for the advice. Here is an update to the situation. So he texted her AND my other roommate again not very long after. I was starting to wonder if he was doing this to get to me. My other roommate is great. She showed me immediately and instantly blocked him without hesitation. The other roommate (the one from the original story) didn't immediately block him, however. I expressed to her how upsetting this was to me. She finally asked me if I wanted her to block him and I said yes. So I was under the impression that she did. However, fast forward about 2 weeks later, up to yesterday, and she showed me another text from him. In the text he said, "Why do you always tell [my name] whenever I text you? It's like you have morals all of the sudden." I was just beyond fed up and asked her why she didn't block him when I asked her to. She claimed that she blocked him on her phone but that his texts were still going through on the computer and she couldn't figure out how to block him on the computer. I got on her computer and tried to block his contact multiple times but it didn't seem to be working. I asked her to restart her computer and she refused, claiming that it "messes up her computer" every time she restarts it. I got so frustrated and just kind of gave up and went to bed. I have just hit a wall at this point and have no clue what to do in the future. I am questioning if there is more going on here that she is not telling me (she has a reputation for lying and also for sleeping around A LOT. She even slept with her own best friend's boyfriend in the past but that is a whole different story.) I know he is absolutely going to text her again and I can't bear to relive all the pain and frustration again. I am getting to the point where I think I need to tell her: Either figure out how to block him for good or I am moving out because it's too much for me. I am also debating sending a text to my ex but I wouldn't even know what to say. If anyone else has any more advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Edited by StarKitten
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I definitely think that is the best option for me at this point. It's clear that my ex is not going to stop contacting her and I am now questioning her role in this whole situation because she has been acting very shady and secretive lately. Thank you for the advice.

Sorry to hear this. Sadly both this exbf and your friend sound like a couple of snakes. It it possible to delete both of them and all their people from all your social media and messaging apps? Avoid this roommate until you can arrange to move out. Do not confide in her and be out as often as possible. Make a better class of friends.
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I agree completely. A lot of the things she's done in the past have been very questionable and she has a reputation for lying. I think distancing myself is the best option right now. Thank you for the advice.

This girl is not really a friend to you.

 

She was right to inform you that he had tried to cheat with her, yes. But the continued, secretive communication makes me wonder if she was motivated to tell you so that you would dump him and she could have a go with him. I also wonder why she would tell you they've been in touch unless she wanted to feel out your reaction to them getting closer.

 

Either way? It's time to start looking for a new roommate. Otherwise you might one morning find them in the kitchen making coffee together in their pajamas.

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I completely agree. They are both very questionable people and have a lot of issues as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately she is known for being a pathological liar and probably would never tell me the truth of the situation no matter what. I think distancing myself is my best option at this point. Thank you for the advice.

I think before you jump off the deep end assuming the worst, verify that your assumptions are actually correct, aka talk to your friend more and clarify what is all going on there. Be sure that you are cool and calm when you do this.

 

If it turns out that your assumptions were correct, then you know this girl is a friend to no one, least of all herself. Think about it, if she is willing to get involved with a cheater, how low is her self worth? It's almost comically pathetic. Rather than being angry, I'd be pitying her. Either way, I'd end the friendship, treat her as arms length roommate/stranger and move on out as soon as the lease is out. It's a case of you can't fix stupid and you shouldn't waste any personal mental space or energy on either of them. Better to focus on your studies, other friends, hobbies, parties, etc, etc, etc than two losers.

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At this point, I have developed a very strong gut feeling that there's more to the situation than originally meets the eye. She has a reputation for lying and sleeping around with a LOT of people, including many guys that her friends have been involved with at some point. So it's really not far out of the realm of possibility that something happened between the two of them. I think distancing myself is my best option at this point. Thank you for the advice.

I have a saying. . that stray cats don't come around unless someone is feeding them

Someone is feeding this cat, or he'd grow weary from being shut down and go elsewhere.

Why is it he's still coming around? That would be a question for your best friend.

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I completely agree and have a pretty strong gut feeling that something has been going on. Unfortunately she will probably never tell me the truth, so I think I just need to try to remove her from my life. Thank you for the advice.

I agree with Reinvent, your best friend isn't being honest with you. This guy would have let it go a long time ago if he wasn't getting attention back.

 

I think you should talk to her and find out the truth. But be prepared to end a friendship.

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I definitely think that there is more to the story than I originally thought. Unfortunately she is a known liar and will probably never be honest with me. I am going to work on distancing myself slowly. Unfortunately all of my other friends are also friends with her, so it will not be too easy for me to get out of the friendship. Thank you for the advice.

I usually err on side of caution. So don't jump to conclusions.

 

This is a best friend... when you are alone and hanging out, tell her something has been bothering you and you want to hear what actually happened with the ex boyfriend.

 

LISTEN MORE THAN TALK!

 

That will tell you what you need to know. Keep asking open ended questions... like how did he start talking to her? How often was this going on? What were her thoughts? What does she think is his game? How would she handle this if she were you?

 

Unfortunately, she's gotta be a snake before you accuse her.

 

Gage how this convo goes... start thinking about how you can distance yourself from her. Do you have any friends that are not friends with her?

 

Lean on those friends. That's why its always good to have lots of groups of friends... makes for easy exits with very little suspicion.

 

Totally sucks. I know. Hang in there.

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Yes, she has been acting extremely shady in regards to this whole thing. I am definitely going to start distancing myself. Thank you for the advice.

She should have shut that down and continued to stonewall. This is not okay and I would distance myself from her.
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I definitely think that is the case. She has been acting incredibly shady and secretive lately and I truly suspect that something has been going on. I am just going to start distancing myself from her. Thank you for the advice.

I agree that chatting with your friend before making any hasty decisions and jumping to conclusions first is a good idea. Think about what you want to ask before you approach her.

 

I think your spidey senses could be right though, and I wouldn't be surprised if your friend has been fuelling your ex's advances & enjoying the attention. At least, that's the impression I'm getting from your post.

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Yeah, ultimately I can't control who either of them talk to but I will certainly not be friends with her if she actually tries to continue this or lets it continue. I just don't see any reason in the world that a so-called "friend" would be entertaining the advances of my ex. I think breaking off the friendship is my best option at this point. Thank you for the advice.

All adults being equal, I'd allow others to manage their own interactions as I stay out of it. I'd tell friend that my ex is an ex for a reason, so we can talk about anything in the world but him, and I'd ask her to agree that he never ends up in our home. Then whatever happens can happen without my knowledge or concern.
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