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My GF hired a stripper - Impartial advice please


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Hi everyone. I am new to this group and would love some impartial advise as im not sure if i am being a and over the top. I recently broke up with my GF. I loved her very much and we got on very well for a year but during that year she has been going through a messy divorce and her x still calls the house every day and is incredible controlling and constantly calling her kids and asking questions about me and what she has been doing. It felt like there were three of us in the relationship and I could only visit after the kids were in bed as he was still paying some of the mortgage so there have been a few issues. She also swapped the weekends she had her kids so we could hardly ever spend any one on one time together.

 

She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. This upset me tbh although i dont like the guy this seems totally unfair and i was shocked that she could do this to someone she spend 18 years with although he did treat her very badly. I told her the truth about how i felt about it and it didnt go down well. We did get over the argument but last weekend she had been away with friends for what she said was a relaxing weekend away with the girls and after she was showing me picks of the weekend and accidentally flicked past a pick of a naked guy. I made her show me the pick and it turns out they had ordered a stripper to the house when they were having a party. Most people i know seem to be ok about it and think its fine but i couldn't handle it and finished it. I think if it was in a club it wouldn't have bothered me as much but in a private house with a load if drunk women i feel like anything could happen and i wouldn't have a clue. I have to admit i do have trust issues as i have been cheated on before and i always think the worst so this is a massive deal to me that she didn't tell me. My GF has been trying to persuade me to chill out about it saying im over the top for getting upset about it

 

I would love to know peoples opinions on this. Am i being a jealous and going over the top or are my negative feelings about this justified. Should i chill out about it?

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She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. This upset me tbh although i dont like the guy this seems totally unfair and i was shocked that she could do this to someone she spend 18 years with although he did treat her very badly.

I won't comment on the stripper. It's a subjective value only you can decide.

 

As far as the finances. She could do this? Have you been through a divorce and do you know their entire financial picture? Because she didn't `do it'. .The courts decide and finances are community property. One person doesn't get more than the other. Whatever their circumstances, the court will see the entire sum gets divided equally.

 

Your wording suggests though she was treated poorly somehow equates to her taking him for more?

 

I wouldn't appreciate your opinion on it either. It seems you might be uninformed.

 

You can be disappointed about the stripper. It's your prerogative. And you shouldn't feel you are part of a triangle. That's why it's advised to not date people going through a divorce.

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In my opinion it is unfair for a court to award her with 80% of the equity and have half his pension and he only gets 20%. Yes i have been through a divorce and my x wife was very fair and we split everything 50/50. Just because a judge thinks someone should have 80% it doesn't mean its right. She has said that she pushed for more money because of the way he treated her. Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.

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In my opinion it is unfair for a court to award her with 80% of the equity and have half his pension and he only gets 20%. Yes i have been through a divorce and my x wife was very fair and we split everything 50/50. Just because a judge thinks someone should have 80% it doesn't mean its right. She has said that she pushed for more money because of the way he treated her. Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.

 

what state allows this, if I may ask?

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Sorry to hear this. Dating someone in the throes of divorce can lead to this type of confusion and drama. Were you going through a divorce breakup as well that you felt was "unfair"? Whatever their settlement is, it's based on laws and facts, not your feelings or anyone's behavior. She didn't "do this" to anyone. Her divorce settlement is her and her kid's father's business.

 

The courts decide based on a number of factors, mostly financial, children's' best interest etc. Sadly it sounds like you are dealing with some baggage of your own that you've transferred to her.

 

Unfortunately you seem quite controlling not to mention incompatible. Many women hire strippers at hen parties, showers etc. Not unusual at all. You need to stay away from her and consider some therapy to get over your judgmental mindset and jealousies.

. I recently broke up with my GF. I loved her very much and we got on very well for a year but during that year she has been going through a messy divorce.

She recently had a divorce settlement and got 80% of their house and half his pension. this seems totally unfair. I told her the truth about how i felt about it and it didnt go down well.

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Everyone has different ideals and traits they want in a partner. There are also some behaviors they are okay with and some they are not.

 

I think asking the question you did, opens up a discussion for lots of different opinions. Some won't think it's a big deal, others will.

It really does depend on what you're okay with. What you want in a partner and what you don't. What makes you feel secure and what doesn't.

 

For someone who would be okay with a stripper, to tell you that you're insecure and it's not okay...I don't think is fair. They are giving you their viewpoint on it, but it doesn't mean what works for them, will work for you.

You are two different people.

 

That being said, it really is up to you to decide what kind of partner you want. Are you okay dating a woman who wants to look at a naked man like this? Who enjoys this kind of entertainment? Because no, not all women do. I am one of them. I find it crass and not something that impresses me.

Are you okay with her being dishonest and potentially hiding things from you when she feels you won't like it or have the same opinion on it as you do?

I don't feel anyone should ever lie, especially to their partner. But not everyone is the same.

 

At the end of the day, it does matter about all of these things and what you choose. Because all of it does affect your security, your anxiety, your happiness, you fulfillment in the relationship, etc.

I don't feel you're wrong for feeling the way you do on these topics.

There is no right or wrong...it's what works best for you.

Edited by SherrySher
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Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.

 

I don't blame you. Think long and hard about this because she has proven to you that if things go south, you might get the short end of the stick.

 

Mind you, if I felt that way about my partner, I'd end things. If you don't trust them financially, then it's not going to work.

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In my opinion it is unfair for a court to award her with 80% of the equity and have half his pension and he only gets 20%. Yes i have been through a divorce and my x wife was very fair and we split everything 50/50. Just because a judge thinks someone should have 80% it doesn't mean its right. She has said that she pushed for more money because of the way he treated her. Its none of my business really but it would stop me wanting to get a mortgage with her.

 

Were there children involved in your divorce? If so, that makes a huge difference.

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I don't think your feelings right now have anything to do with the stripper, but with trying to address your "trust issues" by dating someone who sets those issues on fire.

 

Want to date someone still going through a divorce? Fine. But you can't insert yourself into it, judge how she's handling it, or take any of it personally. Not easy, I know, which is why many people will advise that you wait until the smoke has settled or be honest with yourself if the smoke is too much for you to breathe with grace.

 

You, I think, have not been honest with yourself about all that and the result is a lot of anxiety is swirling around inside of you, with your go-to means of quelling that anxiety being "addressing" your feelings about her divorce with her. Not pretty or productive. Keep heading down that path and words like "controlling" will start to apply.

 

The stripper? I think it's just stirring up anxiety that was already there to be stirred. You can feel about that whatever you feel, of course, but it's kind of like her divorce, and settlement. You can live with it, or you can't. Seems you can't live with a lot of what she brings to the table, so the respectful thing to do is own that, and accept it, rather than fight it and fight with her in the process.

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Some things to consider....

 

You felt like there were three of you in the relationship because there WERE three of you in the relationship. You can't call the man a jerk or controlling when his wife already has a new man in his house and his children are exposed to that and they aren't even divorced yet. He is well within rights to be asking questions and having a problem with that. So on that note, you might want to give it some thought on why you got involved and stayed involved in such a messy situation.

 

Second thing to consider is that you don't know the truth about her ex husband or their marriage. You only know what she told you and what you are learning now is that her character is not stellar to put it politely. Consider that his "crazy" could well be triggered by her behavior.

 

The pushing for all the money she can get sounds vindictive and let's be real here, courts and judges aren't known for fairness when it comes to divorce or any judgments. The party with better lawyers wins and that's just the harsh reality. Litigation is not a fair business, it's a competition. Anyway, the fact that it is triggering some alarms is a good thing. It should be alarming to you as vindictiveness is not a good trait in a person.

 

Finally, the stripper thing. There is no right or wrong, only what's right and wrong for you. If it's a problem for you, then it is what it is. You are entitled to feel however you feel and to hold whatever values you want. If you don't want to date someone who will run with that kind of a crowd and engage in those kinds of things, it doesn't make you unreasonable at all. Plenty people out there who are more like you. I'd call that one of those fundamental compatibility issues.

 

Overall, I think you got involved in a situation that comes with a lot of drama and an expiration date no matter what. You basically signed up to be a divorce crutch and a rebound. Never a good foundation for a lasting relationship and unfortunately once people do get that divorce decree they do tend to decide to stretch their wings and fly off. I think if you haven't dumped her it's only a matter of time before you'd have gotten the "I need to find myself" conversation.

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If you’re in a relationship with someone who brings baggage from a previous relationship, don’t unpack it for them. You have to be ok with the fact that it takes up a little space in the proverbial room, but other than that, you have to have nothing to do with it. If you can’t do that, then you have to honestly ask yourself if it’s something you can accept.

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Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with everything you said. I am not controlling and would never tell someone they cant see a stripper but its personal choice and if im not happy with it and it makes me feel like then its up to me if I want to be with someone that does that sort of stuff. To be honest i wouldn't have reacted the way i did if she was honest with me. It also bothers me that it was in a private house as anything could have happened. Its not like being in a club where there are rules and security ect.

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I do agree with you. They had been separated for three years when we met but i do feel like i have been a divorce crutch or a distraction to help her through all stress. I have struggled because her x treated her like but has been a good guy and helped her allot with money since which is why it upset me when he got screwed over as i didnt feel he deserved it no matter what happened between them. She wasn't a saint either. I would never get into a relationship with someone that is going through divorce again. I have been divorced myself over 7 years ago but was very amicable with no drama.

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What exactly is she trying to convince you of?

 

She enjoys watching men strip for entertainment. She will lie to you. She will get nasty financially if things don't work out or will leave you holding the bag.

 

Literally, what does she have to say about all of it?

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To be honest, I think the stripper is the least of your worries.

 

You are involved with someone who has still not uncoupled - at least in an emotional sense - from their ex, and has a whole load of baggage around that. Her ex is likely still to be involved with her and their children for a long time yet.

 

Your reaction to her divorce settlement also suggests you have different values. Do you and your ex-wife have children? If not, then that would explain why it was easy for you to split everything 50:50. With your current lady, it is clearly a different scenario entirely.

 

Speaking from personal experience, I would not date a divorcee within five years of their actual split unless it was very clear that the ex was out of the picture for good. It takes a long time to really process the emotional impact of a divorce, especially if it's a complicated and messy one, and during that time, the ability to commit emotionally to another person is limited by that - though you may well be a welcome crutch. It's a form of bereavement, really. That's why she wants to be with you; you are a great source of support to her.

 

However, this whole situation is really chewing you up - and it seems the stripper is the final straw. Walk away from this one; she may be wonderful in many respects but right now she has nothing to give you.

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