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Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive


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Nope, do not start tying yourself into knots. If you had just randomly or totally casually slept with him, then yeah you can both do whatever with whoever. HOWEVER, you had a pretty serious agreement about sexual exclusivity, including both getting tested so you wouldn't be using condoms - this is not a small or ambiguous thing and yeah, he went and humped someone else because he felt like it despite that agreement and he put your health at risk knowingly and intentionally.

 

Your instinct that he is insincere was spot on and really your only mistake was to question it and ignore it for longer than you needed to. Next time you get that icky feeling in your gut, don't question it just run. It will save you from a great deal of trouble.

 

You are an absolute angel. I can go down the rabbit hole of what if’s but I saved your response into my phone so I can keep looking at it to remind myself haha! I will stick to the fact that we had a discussion and he strayed from that agreement. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. *hugs*

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I had this weird feeling that he wasn’t quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I don’t know. He didn’t make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when you’re just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I don’t know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.

 

What you're describing, all in all, sounds like a very healthy mentality for dating, connecting. It's inherently a bit nerve-racking, so, yeah, part of it is allowing for some space to observe whether any edginess you're feeling is the inevitable insecurity of opening up to someone new or if it's something coming from opening up to that specific new person, something out of the ordinary that they're stirring up in you. The same mentality is important inside relationships as well, as even deeper feelings and deeper history will invariably cause jolts to the emotional equilibrium.

 

All in all, I think the important gauge is whether your find yourself becoming more at ease over time—more who you naturally are in your own skin—rather than less, so you don't mistake those nervy signals from your gut as extensions of deep feelings, deep connections, but rather impediments to depth, to being able to be your authentic self alongside another. Which, hey, is exactly what you did here, more or less. Subtract his actions here, and you still have a feeling inside you that doesn't line up with how you want to feel in a relationship. So bravo in owning your truth.

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My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

 

If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.

 

One of my friends told me about a man I had doubts about but who wanted to marry me "oh just marry him so you can have a baby then divorce him" Ironically when she said this she was over the moon about her future husband. They married and had two kids and got divorced about 5 years ago -they both cheated.

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I was seeing someone a few months back, who one night stood me up to have a ***** call with someone else. I assumed we were only seeing each other. He later regretted it (or so he said), and apologized, but it felt so horrible to me and it always made me think of him differently. Unfortunately you never get that trust back.

 

I love this quote, "When a man shows you his true colors, stop trying to paint a different picture of him."

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I was seeing someone a few months back, who one night stood me up to have a ***** call with someone else. I assumed we were only seeing each other. He later regretted it (or so he said), and apologized, but it felt so horrible to me and it always made me think of him differently. Unfortunately you never get that trust back.

 

I love this quote, "When a man shows you his true colors, stop trying to paint a different picture of him."

 

That’s heart wrenching. I’m sorry that happened to you. It really hurts. I just couldn’t get over it and was afraid I was weak for not having the capacity to forgive. He really took care of me and is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. But you’re right, the trust...no matter what he does now, I will always question his intent.

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One of my friends told me about a man I had doubts about but who wanted to marry me "oh just marry him so you can have a baby then divorce him" Ironically when she said this she was over the moon about her future husband. They married and had two kids and got divorced about 5 years ago -they both cheated.

 

Geez she shouldn’t be giving any sort of advice.

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I felt so guilty for not being able to trust him because he has such great qualities (family oriented, hard working, very kind, generous, patient, understanding), everything that I’m looking for in a partner. But deep down, something felt off. I thought it was my insecurities at first but his indiscretion confirmed my gut instincts. What a scary yet fascinating thing.

 

First of all ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!!! Even if tested and found ok, what makes you certain he won`t catch anything after the test?

 

Now *sigh*, good evening ouidanslecie. :D

 

He betrayed your trust so early on, it is a legit deal breaker. He "liked" you so "much" to cry not to "loose" that he had sex with another woman just some weeks ago! No, just, no. If your morals and ethics and sense of respect don`t align, I suggest you #RUNFORRESTRUN. He had sex with another because you were not giving it to him?!? Who is he, casonova ... He reads to me like those men that sleep around because wife is pregnant. Disgusting.

 

As for the great qualities you are afraid to loose, I think you know him very little to be able to confirm his character is such as you say. He most likely put on a show because it`s the honeymoon phase and all guys show their best behavior. Don`t feel guilty, belive me when I say you lost nothing. I know coz I`ve been there twice and very very recently. You can read my post if you like.

 

As for your friends, their perception of morality and respect, what is acceptable or not, what they find normal or not, that is THEIR prespective. Yours is different. That`s why you don`t share brains or experiences. You will trust your opinions and your feelings, standards and morals to make a decision. Getting advice is good by imagine you are a housewife in the 50`s and your man just beat you. You can bet all your friends would say that it is normal and that you overreact. So, advice is also formed by social constructs and ideas. Cosmopolitan will say sleep around, a christian/muslim magazine will say save yourself for marriage etc... How will you listen to? I hope your beautiful mind

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First of all ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!!! Even if tested and found ok, what makes you certain he won`t catch anything after the test?

 

Now *sigh*, good evening ouidanslecie. :D

 

He betrayed your trust so early on, it is a legit deal breaker. He "liked" you so "much" to cry not to "loose" that he had sex with another woman just some weeks ago! No, just, no. If your morals and ethics and sense of respect don`t align, I suggest you #RUNFORRESTRUN. He had sex with another because you were not giving it to him?!? Who is he, casonova ... He reads to me like those men that sleep around because wife is pregnant. Disgusting.

 

As for the great qualities you are afraid to loose, I think you know him very little to be able to confirm his character is such as you say. He most likely put on a show because it`s the honeymoon phase and all guys show their best behavior. Don`t feel guilty, belive me when I say you lost nothing. I know coz I`ve been there twice and very very recently. You can read my post if you like.

 

As for your friends, their perception of morality and respect, what is acceptable or not, what they find normal or not, that is THEIR prespective. Yours is different. That`s why you don`t share brains or experiences. You will trust your opinions and your feelings, standards and morals to make a decision. Getting advice is good by imagine you are a housewife in the 50`s and your man just beat you. You can bet all your friends would say that it is normal and that you overreact. So, advice is also formed by social constructs and ideas. Cosmopolitan will say sleep around, a christian/muslim magazine will say save yourself for marriage etc... How will you listen to? I hope your beautiful mind

 

Thank you for the support

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Thank you for the support

 

I`m happy to have helped! Always take care of yourself and be selfish untill your needs and wants are being met. Intimacy should be built, not given and it`s a lesson I`ve had to learn myself the hard way... Happy week to you as well

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