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Bf slept with someone else before we were exclusive


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We are both in our mid-twenties. A few weeks into sleeping with each other, we had a discussion that if we slept with anyone else, we would tell each other. And we also both said we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. I brought it up because I knew we weren’t exclusive yet but I was worried about STDs and I wanted to make it clear.

 

He asks me to be his girlfriend a month later and a week into being exclusive, I find out he slept with someone else a few weeks after we had that sexual exclusivity discussion. I was very upset and I told him I wanted to break up. He cried and begged me to stay, said he’s not like that at all and that she didn’t mean anything to him. He said he was just horny and he didn’t know where our relationship was going and he also said he didn’t really know me. I still don’t think that’s an excuse. Otherwise, he’s a really great guy and we clicked immediately with instant chemistry and I was really hopeful about him and our future.

 

I felt like it was a breach of trust. Technically not cheating, I get it because we weren’t exclusive but we did have a discussion and he hid it from me. Did I do the right thing by breaking things off? Would you feel betrayed too? A part of me feels guilty because it was just so natural and easy between us until that incident. Also, once we were official, he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me.

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How did you find out? Did he volunteer or it or did you ask? Or?

 

Get tested for STDs and do not have sex with him. Make him get tested too and to show you the official results.

 

I'm thinking that this is not a solid start for a relationship. I suspect that you two want different things out of life.

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This might be an oversimplified answer but it always works for me. I have a few questions I ask myself (when I have doubts about my relationship) and if most of the answers are in the affirmative, I keep on without looking back.

 

(I've been married 9 years now by the way and I have 3 kids... And yes, those doubts still creep in once in a while)

 

1. Do you love him?

2. Can you live with his inadequacies? (These faults are like bed bugs, where there's one, there's more)

3. Is he putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Does he give excuses for your genuine concerns or does he try to improve?)

 

Now spin the question around and ask yourself:

1. Do you thinks he loves you? (From his actions not his words)

2. Can he live with your inadequacies?

3. Are you putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Do you give excuses for his genuine concerns or does you try to improve?)

 

No, there aren't anyone out there that's perfect for anyone, there's only those you care enough about to put in the effort required to work through whatever nuances (of varying degrees) s/he has got. And God help us, "nuances" is such an understatement but that's how you've gotta see it if lasting relationship is your goal.

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I asked him and he told me the truth. He said he didn't want to start off our relationship with lies. If I hadn't asked him, he would have never told me but he also could've lied and he didn't.

 

Oh another thing, when we had the sexual exclusivity talk, I had us both get tested so that we could be intimate without a condom. So when he went off and slept with someone else after we had that discussion and after getting tested, it was a double whammy. He told me he used a condom with her...

 

Yeah, I'm sad that that happened because it seemed like there was so much potential for us.

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This might be an oversimplified answer but it always works for me. I have a few questions I ask myself (when I have doubts about my relationship) and if most of the answers are in the affirmative, I keep on without looking back.

 

(I've been married 9 years now by the way and I have 3 kids... And yes, those doubts still creep in once in a while)

 

1. Do you love him?

2. Can you live with his inadequacies? (These faults are like bed bugs, where there's one, there's more)

3. Is he putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Does he give excuses for your genuine concerns or does he try to improve?)

 

Now spin the question around and ask yourself:

1. Do you thinks he loves you? (From his actions not his words)

2. Can he live with your inadequacies?

3. Are you putting enough efforts into making the relationship work? (Do you give excuses for his genuine concerns or does you try to improve?)

 

No, there aren't anyone out there that's perfect for anyone, there's only those you care enough about to put in the effort required to work through whatever nuances (of varying degrees) s/he has got. And God help us, "nuances" is such an understatement but that's how you've gotta see it if lasting relationship is your goal.

 

He was really trying. He was very open with me, gave me all his passwords, etc. But I just can't get over it. It hurts too much but then I feel guilty because is it a weakness that I can't forgive and forget? He's otherwise a great person but I just don't have the capacity to forgive ):

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he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me. So when you say "advances," then he continued to receive texts from her, and even though he turned her down, he didn't block her the first time she flirted? That's a red flag on top of him putting you at risk for STDs, because condoms aren't full-proof against them.

 

It's like you're trying to have someone else try to convince you to stay with him because of his good traits.

 

That's a decision you'll have to make. Whether it was a dealbreaker or not.

 

As for me, I'm the type of person that when I'm excited about a particular guy, even when I first start dating him, I have no desire to multi date. My husband felt the same way when we first started dating, and it was very comforting to know we were on the same page.

 

You say you don't have the capacity to forgive, so its no great issue if you want to let a guy go who you've only known a few months. Most people do have some good traits. It's not like you'll never find another man with good traits again. It will free you to be with someone who maybe matches your dating needs better. In the future, maybe you'll want to date a little longer and hold off on having sex until you know more about a guy and how he operates.

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he turned down her advances as I saw thru his text messages to her when he showed me. So when you say "advances," then he continued to receive texts from her, and even though he turned her down, he didn't block her the first time she flirted? That's a red flag on top of him putting you at risk for STDs, because condoms aren't full-proof against them.

 

It's like you're trying to have someone else try to convince you to stay with him because of his good traits.

 

That's a decision you'll have to make. Whether it was a dealbreaker or not.

 

As for me, I'm the type of person that when I'm excited about a particular guy, even when I first start dating him, I have no desire to multi date. My husband felt the same way when we first started dating, and it was very comforting to know we were on the same page.

 

You say you don't have the capacity to forgive, so its no great issue if you want to let a guy go who you've only known a few months. Most people do have some good traits. It's not like you'll never find another man with good traits again. It will free you to be with someone who maybe matches your dating needs better. In the future, maybe you'll want to date a little longer and hold off on having sex until you know more about a guy and how he operates.

 

Thank you for this. I was feeling so guilty for wanting to let him go because of his qualities but I know myself, I can't trust him anymore. Also, my friends say it was before we were exclusive so basically, it was ok in their eyes, which made me feel even more conflicted. But you're right. I felt that I only wanted to be with him even while we were dating and I want someone to feel that way about me, too, just like you and your husband. Thank you!

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Also, my friends say it was before we were exclusive so basically, it was ok in their eyes, which made me feel even more conflicted.

 

Eh, it was after your conversation about sexual exclusivity, though. That's an important point, because it involves putting your trust in someone not to gamble with your health, either.

 

In the end, it's not a decision for your friends to make. They can weigh in, of course, but if you're feeling this upset about it, it's your prerogative to end it.

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. I felt that I only wanted to be with him even while we were dating and I want someone to feel that way about me, too,

 

It still amuses me about how things have changed in the dating world.

 

These days, people tend to hump a bunch of people until they like one of them enough to suggest being together, they throw out a semi-exclusivity suggestion, followed by actual exclusivity statement some time later. At which time, it all caves in because of something that happened before the actual exclusive line, when everyone was sleeping with a bunch of people, during the time of maybe sort of but not actual exclusivity.

 

To make a guy feel like the above about you... Don't sleep with him too soon.

 

For a girl, sex creates oxytocin, which is a hormone that connects you to the person you are sleeping with, begins growing a bond and a feeling of closeness.

For a guy sex creates an orgasm, a sense of relief and a willingness to agree to whatever to increase the changes of having a future orgasm.

 

So, date the guy, seek exclusivity, then hump him madly.

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You did the right thing. Talk is cheap and in this guys case the exclusive discussion was to hookup and his admission about sleeping around was to precipitate a breakup. The good part is now you know what the anatomy of a jerk looks like .

 

Get to a doctor/clinic for STD texting. Do not have sex until you know the results, use protection. Have the exclusive conversation and make sure you are dating a while before sex and don't bother with kiss-and-tell stories.

A few weeks into sleeping with each other, we had a discussion that if we slept with anyone else, we would tell each other. I brought it up because I knew we weren’t exclusive yet but I was worried about STDs and I wanted to make it clear. I find out he slept with someone else a few weeks after we had that sexual exclusivity discussion.
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Eh I'd show him the door and never look back. He is that kind of a guy and he showed it you conclusively through his actions. The tears are nothing more than crocodile tears. When you are talking about getting tested and agreeing to be sexually exclusive and not using condoms....I mean come on..... to tell you that he just didn't know where he stands is absurd and insulting to your intelligence. He put your health at risk because he wanted to hump another chic. Plain and simple. Whatever his good qualities, this level of bad outweighs it all. It's not a character you can ever trust.

 

He pretty much spelled it out for you - he was horny, she was willing and to heck with your agreement, he went for whatever he wanted in that moment. That's what cheaters look like and agreements, exclusivity don't stop them. If you were to stick around, there will be a next time, he'll just hide it better.

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Next time, I will date for a while and talk about exclusivity before getting intimate.

 

Sounds like a great plan, an important lesson learned in the trenches of romance.

 

It can be a tricky thing, all this, because for many people (men and women) it's hard to imagine exclusively committing to someone before knowing if they're compatible sexually. I can't imagine doing so, being frank. But nor do I think anything genuinely productive comes out of semi-exclusive and quasi-exclusive talks of the sort you two had, since it's kind of trying to give serious meaning to casual hooking up after the fact.

 

How I navigated all that, when I was dating? It was to be clear with what I wanted in the more general sense: an exclusive, committed relationship. That was a personal truth that existed independent of any woman, not something I needed to excavate in myself by hooking up with a dozen people simultaneously and choosing the one with the best chemistry. Wasn't a heavy conversation, just a few seconds in which I put that out there and observed how someone responded.

 

You can learn a lot like that, I found: some people got vague or antsy, while others offered a genuine "Yeah, me too." That provided a level of security to explore the connection, and to see how true that "Yeah, me too" was, without trying to create quasi-comforting blacks and whites inside the discomfort of the gray zone. It also removed sex as being the one the thing that defined the magnitude of the connection: weak if you're not in some way exclusive, strong if you are.

 

I think you've made the right call, for yourself, and it's really great to have that level of self-understanding. Means you'll find it easy to connect with men who see you as you want to be seen, and let go of those who are incapable. This guy, for whatever his good qualities, is not on your level, not capable of seeing you as you want to be seen, or treating you as you want to be treated. Something tells me you were probably the one instigating a lot of those pre-exclusive conversations, which is to say that he was a-okay with things being casual, undefined. His actions, of course, showed that that was his most sincere truth all along.

 

Best to listen to another person, and give time for them to show you who they are, rather than trying to extract information, or steer things into how you want them to look and feel. So, yeah, holding off on sex before you're confident in someone's intentions is a great model. Not fool-proof, as nothing is in romance, but it sets the plane for a much more potent connection, one where sex becomes a celebration of what you're building rather than the bricks and mortar.

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Eh I'd show him the door and never look back. He is that kind of a guy and he showed it you conclusively through his actions. The tears are nothing more than crocodile tears. When you are talking about getting tested and agreeing to be sexually exclusive and not using condoms....I mean come on..... to tell you that he just didn't know where he stands is absurd and insulting to your intelligence. He put your health at risk because he wanted to hump another chic. Plain and simple. Whatever his good qualities, this level of bad outweighs it all. It's not a character you can ever trust.

 

He pretty much spelled it out for you - he was horny, she was willing and to heck with your agreement, he went for whatever he wanted in that moment. That's what cheaters look like and agreements, exclusivity don't stop them. If you were to stick around, there will be a next time, he'll just hide it better.

 

Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and it’s really nice to know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.

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Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and it’s really nice to know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.

 

I would be done no questions asked and trying to "label" it makes no sense -he put your health at serious risk and he betrayed your trust. I don't care if you were exclusive or not -you had a conversation where you made certain promises about sexual monogamy and he broke the promise. Really fast, too.

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Thank you so much for your support! I can cry tears of relief. I was really conflicted for a long time and it’s really nice to know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Especially because people close to me said I should give him a free pass.

 

I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

 

As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

 

Always trust your gut.

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Best to listen to another person, and give time for them to show you who they are, rather than trying to extract information, or steer things into how you want them to look and feel. So, yeah, holding off on sex before you're confident in someone's intentions is a great model. Not fool-proof, as nothing is in romance, but it sets the plane for a much more potent connection, one where sex becomes a celebration of what you're building rather than the bricks and mortar.

 

I see that I may have had some miscommunication issues too and wasn’t clear myself. If I like someone in the future, I will definitely have a discussion with them prior to getting intimate to see if they feel the same way. Thank you so much your helpful advice!

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My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

 

If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.

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I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

 

As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

 

Always trust your gut.

 

I felt so guilty for not being able to trust him because he has such great qualities (family oriented, hard working, very kind, generous, patient, understanding), everything that I’m looking for in a partner. But deep down, something felt off. I thought it was my insecurities at first but his indiscretion confirmed my gut instincts. What a scary yet fascinating thing.

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I think your instincts, intuition, judgement are spot on in this situation. A free pass is something you can give for some random spat you had. This is not a small thing, this is his lack of character on full display and you better believe what you are seeing and lucky you saw it early on. Some don't find out until they have marriage, kids, house, and so on.

 

As for your friends, sometimes people closest to you can inadvertently give you the worst advice because it's biased. Like they see that you like him, want you to be happy and so....yeah....give him a free pass.... Please don't. Not for what he did.

 

Always trust your gut.

 

My friends often gave me terrible romantic advice. One time they encouraged me to continue dating a man I couldn't stand just because he's extremely good looking. Before that, some of them recommended I stay married and just have affairs so I could have all my bills paid by my husband. Major eye roll.

 

If your friends want to be in relationships with men who deceive them and who put their health at risk, let them! You value yourself more.

 

Yes! Thank you! I emphasized to them that my health was put at risk and they didn’t think it was a big deal. Makes me worry about them!

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I felt so guilty for not being able to trust him because he has such great qualities (family oriented, hard working, very kind, generous, patient, understanding), everything that I’m looking for in a partner. But deep down, something felt off. I thought it was my insecurities at first but his indiscretion confirmed my gut instincts. What a scary yet fascinating thing.

 

It's funny that you brought that up because as I was typing that response I was thinking that "something made her ask, some gut feeling, some intuition that something is off". Bottom line is that all those great qualities he presented weren't really true, more just a facade. His actions speak otherwise and show that he is seriously selfish and compulsive. Not good traits to say the least. Scary for sure, but yeah - you have good instincts, just trust them more and faster. Never ever feel guilty about that again. You dodged a bullet.

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Why scary? Means your gut is finely-tuned, there and ready to protect you as needed.

 

Was the “off” part a low-simmering sense that, deep down, he did not actually want to be in a serious relationship?

 

I had this weird feeling that he wasn’t quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I don’t know. He didn’t make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when you’re just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I don’t know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.

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It's funny that you brought that up because as I was typing that response I was thinking that "something made her ask, some gut feeling, some intuition that something is off". Bottom line is that all those great qualities he presented weren't really true, more just a facade. His actions speak otherwise and show that he is seriously selfish and compulsive. Not good traits to say the least. Scary for sure, but yeah - you have good instincts, just trust them more and faster. Never ever feel guilty about that again. You dodged a bullet.

 

Yeah! Something did make me ask in the first place and I was right. I was afraid it was my insecurities at first but I think maybe we aren’t fundamentally compatible? In the sense of dating/sleeping with multiple people at once and exposing your sexual partner to STDs and not letting them know!

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I had this weird feeling that he wasn’t quite sincere. I was anxious around him and I even tried to end things before we became exclusive but he begged me to stay. So I decided to stick it out a bit and see how I felt. I thought it was my insecurities coming out but I don’t know. He didn’t make me feel at ease subconsciously. I felt like he was a player. But in the beginning of a relationship, when you’re just dating, is it ok to be doing those things? I don’t know. Maybe I was just too insecure with myself.

 

Nope, do not start tying yourself into knots. If you had just randomly or totally casually slept with him, then yeah you can both do whatever with whoever. HOWEVER, you had a pretty serious agreement about sexual exclusivity, including both getting tested so you wouldn't be using condoms - this is not a small or ambiguous thing and yeah, he went and humped someone else because he felt like it despite that agreement and he put your health at risk knowingly and intentionally.

 

Your instinct that he is insincere was spot on and really your only mistake was to question it and ignore it for longer than you needed to. Next time you get that icky feeling in your gut, don't question it just run. It will save you from a great deal of trouble.

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