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My (24m) girlfriend (21f) does not trust me


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We’ve been together just about 4 years now, and have lived together since the third week into the relationship. We’ve worked side by side for 1.5 of those years at the same job, carpool, and spend most if not all of our free time together. This is not a bad thing for us, as we enjoy each other’s company most of the time.

 

Backstory on me, I’ve only ever been in three relationships prior, all three ended badly with me being on the receiving end of cheating. I am the type of person to be completely trusting from the get go until given a reason not to be, regardless of my bad experiences in the past.

 

Backstory on her, she’s been in two relationships prior to ours, first ending mutually, and the second one ending when she met me. Eventually it became clear that she was still in the previous relationship for an overlap period of about two weeks when we initialized communication. I’m not sure how I feel about that but that’s not my focal point with this post.

 

My concern is for the future of this relationship. Our differences lie in the way we approach challenging situations, I favor a logical response after analyzing a situation whereas she acts on impulse and often gets upset, which causes a mental shutdown that results in issues not being resolved. I try to get her to communicate with me regarding her insecurities but encounter stiff resistance to the topic. Basically I prefer to talk through issues, and her solution is to not talk and just forget about the entire situation until the issue presents itself again in the future.

 

From day one she has been protective, but to the point where it imposes lack of trust in me, as I stated previously I trust her completely and because of that I don’t mind that she primarily chooses to befriend males, but I do however have an issue with the fact that it doesn’t go both ways. If I so much as look in the general direction of another female I get death glares and interrogation of my intentions. We’ve had fallouts that originated from the fact that I followed let’s say “Mary” a female I went to school with and was previously friends with on a social media platform prior to this relationship.

She has gone to the lengths of sifting through my friends lists on various platforms removing any and all female friends/ followers.

 

I’m just at a loss with trying to make sense of the lack of trust coming from her. These issues have resulted in me feeling very awkward, avoiding any and all eye contact or facing in the same direction when in the presence of other females for the concern that any interaction may be interpreted incorrectly.

 

 

 

She performs weekly checks going through my phone as if it were homicide evidence, often met with acute anger when menial things are found that were aforementioned above. I have nothing to hide and consistently and continuously prove that on a daily basis.

I am also allowed to look through her phone if I want to, but never have felt the need to due to my trusting nature. I do however have concerns that I have no issue suppressing due to my trusting nature, other than my concern for the possibility something may be going on. She has an immediate reaction of closing all apps on her phone when she realizes that I am looking at her screen while she’s avidly typing which is something that I feel is moderately concerning but I let it go in hopes to avoid conflict.

 

When I try to ask why she responds with such anger, she counters with things like “you shouldn’t even be looking at her” or “there’s no reason for you to even talk to her” this goes for any female, no one in specific. This goes as far as concerning female customers entering my work which I am required to interact with on a professional level.

 

I’ve exhausted all options I can think of to try to reassure her and eliminate these insecurities but it has all been in vain, as nothing has improved, only gotten worse over time. This major disconnect has caused quite a bit of stress and frustration. I’m honestly at a loss for what I should do to solve this issue, any and all advice is appreciated.

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I'd turn that analytical and logical lens onto yourself, and figure out what it is about this dynamic that you enjoy, or at least what it is you get from allowing all the paranoid policing. You've gone along with it for four years now, which is a pretty solid way to send the message that you're okay with everything you're saying you're not okay with.

 

I'm genuinely curious: What is it about this that works for you?

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Why would you dress her down about "her insecurities"? If you jumped into living together after 3 weeks it sounds as though you are both rather impulsive and emotional and quite illogical. Give each other space and breathing room to be individuals.

 

Stop trying to fix or change her to be more "logical". Logical in this case means you think you're right and she's wrong. Stop getting in her face this much particularly about "her" issues.. Let individuals process things their own way. It's that simple..

have lived together since the third week into the relationship. I try to get her to communicate with me regarding her insecurities but encounter stiff resistance to the topic.
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So she is chatting with guys and hides her phone from you, meanwhile she rages and accuses you of cheating constantly, to the point where you seem to have some PTSD. I mean really....read what you wrote - you've reached a point where you are afraid to look at any woman at all as just a normal part of life for fear of your gf's reactions, rage, and accusations......

 

Two things. One is that cheaters tend to fear that you will do them what they are doing to you and one of the best tactics to deal with that is to go on the offensive. Attacking you keeps you constantly on the defensive and off balance and stops you from looking too closely at what she is doing.

 

Second is you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you can't fix that. You can only leave and the sooner the better.

 

You've got to stop telling yourself this story that she is so insecure and that you just jump through the correct hoops and loops, surely you can fix this painful situation. You can't. This is who she is and you sticking around trying to jump though hoops quite frankly enables her monstrous behavior and makes it worse.

 

Even if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is just insecure and anxious, appeasing her insecurities is a lot like feeding the monster. It just keeps growing and getting worse because in reality, all you are doing is validating her awful behavior by trying to appease. You don't appease people like that. You put in on them to either fix themselves, go to therapy or walk away from them so you stop enabling them.

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Neither one of you trust each other. That's the problem.

 

Do you need to wait until the lease expires or can you pay for the rent entirely on your own after she leaves your apt? If it's not possible, then you're stuck with her until the lease expires. :upset:

 

In the meantime, you need to accept her personality the way it is. Both of you are vastly different and never on the same page.

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I don't think your girlfriend's behaviour is normal at all to be honest. She is very hypocritical because she's so controlling about you talking to women but she talks to guys and is friends with guys! This is very double standard! Also it's ridiculous to not even allow you to follow female friends on social media or talk to females in everyday life. It's not even like you're hanging out with these women. She goes through your phone and social media and deletes women??!! That is very invasive!

 

This is all after she was the one who was still in a relationship while she was talking to you/dating you. For me personally this would be a huge red flag and I would break up. Your girlfriend is WAY too controlling and jealous.

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She's monitoring most of your moves, telling you which females you can and cannot talk to. You explained to us how it makes you feel. My question to you is: How did you manage to stay with someone, who doesn't seem to trust you, for four years? I'm genuinely wondering, because generally when someone doesn't trust you then there's no solid foundation.

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