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is just post partum depression or I really don't love my husband


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First, Thank you Enotalone because you accepted me here.

 

I will be very honest and try to be unbiased about my story here as much as I can.

 

I am a married woman, I have two lovely and super adorable kids, a toddler an a baby. I have a career as a Virtual Assistant and I am earning a good amount of money.

I decided to go back to being homebased a few years before I got married and decided to have kids. I met my husband at work, I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with someone else.

Our relationship blossomed from a one-night stand. And after a few months, we decided to be official. I soon moved in with him and then that's when I get to know him really well.

 

He's not a bad person, tbh, he is a good person. But he is addicted to online gaming. When we we're not together yet, he makes time for me - call me, talk to me, ask me how I am..

When I moved in, he didn't even bother. Everyday after work, he would want to go home ASAP to play online games and that would occupy his entire day before retiring to sleep. I hated it and I told him all about it.

He soon got another job and I fell pregnant.

 

Then it started again.

 

He would come home, play games, and go to bed.

 

Of course he is there for my regular OB visits but he would often just sit beside me playing games on his phone or scrolling endlessly on Facebook. I am not much into gadgets, I only use them for work. But I felt like I'm fighting a losing battle and so I ignored him as well, and literally drowned myself with work and more work and more work.

 

He didn't bother saying anything about it.

 

To me, that was my way of not feeling bad about the situation.

 

Then our second child came.

He gave up playing online games on the desktop and switch playing even more on mobile device.

 

This time, he never talks to me anymore.

We're like in a long distance relationship.

 

I would take care of the kids and he would help but he still has his phone with him.

He would be sending messages to his peers in the gaming community and having all the fun the world while I, lack of sleep, deadlines piling up, breastfeeding, has to take care of the kids.

 

And it came to the point that I don't take care of myself anymore.

 

Sex became rare and bland and I wold feel bad about it because he wouldn't even bother pleasuring me.

He will just roll back to sleep.

 

and I would pretend that it's okay and that I felt good. But in fact, I felt sick of it.

 

Now, I don't want to talk to him.

I hate seeing his face and I hate to see him with us. because obviously his mind and presence is elsewhere. It's like a shell.

 

Someone empty.

 

I feel sad that I choose this life, I know it could have been better and may be it's me.

I don't know.

 

I love my kids so much and I would die for them. But I feel like I hate their dad.

 

I sometimes feel like a shell myself, devoid of feelings, but there are times when I feel so angry that I will just burst out crying.

 

I hope someone help me.

I hope it's just something in my head and that I am just exaggerating. I wish I am. I wish I am.

 

But all I see is a man who doesn't care..

 

:icon_sad:

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Have you ever told him any of this? Have you ever told him to put the $@$#@! phone down and be present?

 

It comes across like you've put up with it in complete silence without ever speaking up or telling him what you need from him. Problem is that when you don't speak up, the other person assumes that you are fine with what they are doing. People can't read your mind. Don't be a silent martyr because every relationship will get poisoned by that as your resentment builds up over time over various unspoken issues.

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I absolutely agree with DancingFool, have you TOLD your husband your issues? Have you considered marriage counseling to help your communication with him?

 

But I don't understand your title -- you know you don't love your husband, you said you married him knowing that, so why you would expect to love him now makes no sense. Of course, that is not the best way to get married -- intentionally settling -- but now that you have two small children you really ought to try to make it work, but it can't until you tell him what you want and get some help. If after that the marriage is still miserable then figure out how you can be divorced. He has a serious addiction, you married him knowing you weren't that interested (which is a disservice to both of you) and you both have HUGE communication problems. These things can be worked through, but you need to do the work. Otherwise, just leave.

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Sorry to hear this. What happened to the guy you were in love with when you decided to marry your husband.Is it an arranged marriage, just for the purpose of procreation/children? It seems the disconnect was there from the start. Is divorce allowed in your culture?

 

Is he having affairs and talking to his mistresses? Get to your doctor and discuss what is happening. Get a referral to a therapist alone and privately. Discuss what is happening.

 

Decide privately and confidentially if you wish to exit the relationship or not. If not, ask your husband to go to marriage therapy, but don't expect much change or any results. He'll just be more discreet, hiding things better, tagging alone with lip service. Clearly he already knows he's completely checked out (as you are) but doesn't care. This is and always was a complete disconnect/loveless marriage of convenience.

I decided to go back to being homebased a few years before I got married and decided to have kids. I met my husband at work, I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with someone else.

 

But he is addicted to online gaming. He would come home, play games, and go to bed. he never talks to me anymore.

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If you didn't have children, I'd just recommend divorcing, but for their sake, I'd give it one last try before throwing in the towel. I'd say: I want to be happy in our marriage, but changes need to happen for that to be possible.

 

And then give concrete directions on what you need from him. Such as time periods during the day where the phones and gadgets are put away. What responsibilities you want him to cover. If he does this, reward him by praising him and being affectionate (I'm not talking about sex), even if you're not feeling it at the moment.

 

If he doesn't come through, tell him you can't live like that anymore, and want him to go to marital counseling with you. If he refuses, show him the seriousness of your intent and tell him how you are attending personal counseling.

 

If he still isn't being a good husband and father, get all your ducks in a row financially. If he's added on any of your bank accounts and credit cards, remove him. See a divorce lawyer.

 

It's good that you have a good paying job, so that's helpful. Hopefully you've learned for the future not to make any major decisions like moving in with someone until you've known them a minimum of a year or two. If you do divorce, don't date for a good year as well. Your children need your total attention in transitioning them into a new way of life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Have you ever stopped and thought, maybe he's going through something and all you are worried about is what is going on with you? His behavior is a symptom of something that is troubling him. You need to shift your focus on his feelings and help him through whatever he is going through...talk. Communication and not with complaints, will get this sorted out. Obviously there has been an emotional disconnect with the two of you and you are responding to it in your own way. It's very possible you are spending all your energy on the kids, and very little attention on him. Many many men go through this, get confused and upset how the woman of their children have changed the dynamic of the relationship in a negative way. So instead of complaining about his gaming, take him by the hand and ask him what's happening to him on his end and be supportive. That's all men really want...someone that supports them.

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Dated a gamer and my dad's a compulsive stock market gambler. That gamer is my ex, and my dad has lost several millions and is flat broke.

 

All the chances, the threats, the bail-outs, the love, the yelling, the ignoring, the enabling - they don't change, ever. They're addicts. Heck, if you get divorced, you get alimony and child support, and don't have to clean up after them ever again.

 

Honey, you don't have post-partum; you have a giant lazy, good for nothing tumor.

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You know you don't have postpartum -you settled for a guy you weren't in love with and chose to make babies with him. I mean maybe you do have it -not a professional -but you also don't love your husband and never did and so there's no za za zoom even to remember because it was never there - and now that you have to do most of the child care because he's off on his phone now you're grasping at straws of labels that don't really apply.

I would do the counseling for the sake of the children to see if he is willing to decrease the time on his phone. I think people can help with child care while being on the phone - the cleaning part of child care -I listen to podcasts and the radio while I do the cleaning part, I'm on my phone or reading a magazine if my child is off playing with his friends and doesn't need me/supervision (I just have to be "there" in case). But if we're doing something as a family sometimes my son is on his phone (like at a restaurant- playing a game on silent)- but I try to severely limit time on my phone and I am transparent about it "oh I need to respond to this text - sorry" He needs to be present with his kids. He needs to show them that unless he is working he puts that darn phone down for time to interact with them.

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Look I might only be saying this because I don't actually have kids...But I believe that if you're unhappy with your partner and you don't love them, you shouldn't force yourself to stay together. It doesn't even really sound like your husband helps you around the house or with the kids so the only help you really get from him is financial? If you leave him, he can still have the kids some of the week and pay child support.

 

I think the video gaming problem sounds bad and yes like an addiction. I speak as someone who had to leave my fiance of 2.5 years because he developed a drug addiction and the only thing he cared about was the drugs. This is the nature of addiction, it consumes the person and they don't care about other things.

 

It does sound from everything you've said like your husband is very pre occupied with online gaming. He has two children now and this should have been the point at which the gaming should have become secondary to his family. He's chatting to some random people on online gaming while he's in appointments with you and your kids? Why are those strangers more important? When someone has a family, that should be their number one thing. It sounds like the gaming is his number one, not you or the kids. And that's not right.

 

Also you are not just a housewife, you have a job too. So because both you and your husband work, you should also share home duties 50/50. That means he doesn't just get to game all the time while you do all the work.

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YOu know, I have been thinking after reading all of your comments and I do agree with you all. Why stay? I am choosing to stay because my kids love him but at the same time I am scared that he is a bad example. And yes, I do feel miserable most of the time. I know that love isn's something that you need to force. I don't have to convince myself to love my husband if I really don't. part of me feels really sorry for him, he said he'll be devastated and destroyed if I leave him. But just to clear the air, I have spoken to him about his gaming and I have told him that I think it is his addiction. His dad was a compulsive gambler and his older brother was a drug addict.

 

He was addicted to gaming since he was young. I admit I made a bad decision on marrying him and I regret it really but I love my kids and sometimes I feel bad to even think of leaving their dad. He does help a little around the house but most of the time he is on his phone. I, on the other hand, would rather drown myself at work than deal with it.

 

Because the last time I got really mad at him and his gaming, he was soooo mad, it was like he was a different person. Although he did not hit me or anything, he was yelling and really scary.

 

We've been friends before we became intimate, he wanted to settle down, I thought I need to settle down.

 

I guess you can say, I wanted to escape and have a life of my own and prove to myself that love is something you can teach yourself to feel. But deep down, I wanted to be with someone else or by myself.

 

I don't enjoy his company and I don't think we are at the same wavelength.

 

Regarding the PPartum Depression, I think I have it, I'm not so sure though, I haven't gone to a doctor. I'm afraid to ask. :(

 

As for the divorce, it is not allowed in our country.

 

 

I am worried that I am being a bad mother to my children for having a bad attitude towards my husband.

I am worried that my husband is trying to please me by helping a little but also can't help his addiction.

I am worried that I am causing all the hurt in our family and that perhaps there really isn't anything wrong with my family just me.

I am worried that if I get separated with my husband my kids will hate me.

I am worried that if I do get separated from him his life will be miserable.

 

I don't know.

 

All I know is I am unhappy with the life I chose.

I am unhappy with my decisions and if I could just turn back the time, I will not marry him at all.

 

What is wrong with me

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Since you chose to have two kids with this man in this situation right now I think you have to put aside the pity party and what is wrong with you etc and shift all focus to the best interest of your child. Self-care and indulging in ruminating over why you chose to settle for a man you didn't love and make babies with him will have to take second seat.

 

I think to act in the best interests of your children you should, today, start making financial plans to leave and provide for your kids -whether that means from your own financial resources/work or by consulting an attorney to make sure you get the child support you need or a combo of both. Find a suitable place to live or talk to your husband about who will remain in the family home. Consult an attorney on this too.

 

As far as his life being miserable - yes, it likely will be and so will yours. For a time. But in the best interests of your children they deserve to have a relationship with their father so you also will figure out what kind of custody arrangement/vistiation makes sense. I wouldn't do the whole "he can't live without me" because basically when you married someone you didn't love and made babies with him you weren't showing a very caring attitude towards him (unless he went into this with eyes wide open -I totally get that some couples get married for convenience and/or they both want a family or they want an open marriage and a family -as long as both people are honest with each other but it sounds like he thought he was marrying a loving wife, someone who was into him the way a wife should be).

 

So I'd put aside all the "I" statements in your post and shift focus to the best interests of your kids -on a practical, financial and emotional level. When you've created a stable, secure, caring life for them then at some point you can seek therapy for yourself to figure out why you made these decisions. As far as "self care" yes - take care of yourself so you don't get sick -meaning physically -so you can work and be there for your kids and take care of them. I'd wait for the extras -those "self care" things people talk about on my moms group as self -care - the manicures/massages/glass of wine/ girls night stuff - (not self care to me but whatever) - you need to go out for a brisk walk to clear your head? Do it. Go to the gym and work up a sweat while you hire a sitter. Do it. But the pity party stuff needs to wait. Your kids need a stable life and need you as a stable solid presence in their life. Good luck.

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Was this an arranged marriage? Unfortunately you have no recourse. You'll have to focus on friends, family, work, your kids, sports, groups, clubs, classes and courses to cope. Get to a doctor anyway.

 

Why bother thinking about leaving or daydreaming about past loves if you are forced to marry and forced to stay married? That's not solving any more problems than him gaming constantly.

 

What are the consequences in your country for leaving a husband? Will they kill you or shun you or will the husband get the children? Can you talk to someone of your culture/country about how to manage in a forced marriage?

As for the divorce, it is not allowed in our country.

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