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Infidelity - Should I leave my wife & live alone?


NoDisguise
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I have been married to my wife for 30+ years. We met quite young & she was my first serious relationship. We could probably be best described as good friends, as in we get on OK but our interaction is fairly superficial. There has been no intimacy in nearly 20 years and very little before that. Our kids have recently grown up and moved out.

 

During the last 10 years or so, I have had a series of affairs. Although they all involved a certain amount of intimacy, it was generally a small part of the experience for me. What I really enjoyed were the everyday things, the long deep conversations, the days out, simply cuddling on the sofa.

 

The affairs ended for various reasons, one due to the other person moving away but in the most recent case, the fact that I simply couldn't bring myself to leave my wife. She knows about some of them and says my cheating makes her 'sad' but she doesn't want to end the marriage. She simply acts as if nothing has happened.

 

My recent affair partner advised me to move out and live alone for a while to 'find myself'. I'm strongly considering this and was wondering if anyone has any advice on this.

 

I don't need condemnation. I know what I've been doing is wrong and hurtful. I'm looking to the future.

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Have you and your wife sought professional marriage counseling? Go that route first.

 

I wouldn't listen to your partner. There is no need to "find yourself." You already know who you are.

 

If marriage counseling fails, both of you should make an appointment with a divorce attorney. No sense living a farce.

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My recent affair partner advised me to move out and live alone for a while to 'find myself'. I'm strongly considering this and was wondering if anyone has any advice on this.

.

 

Just curious as to why the most recent partner told you needed to find yourself, rather than finding a new partner. Do you know where that came from?

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Well, your wife knows of your affairs and still chooses to remain in the marriage so I'll not give you any condemnation because she's clearly given you her permission to carry on in the status quo even if it makes her "sad" and even if she hasn't come right out and said you have her permission. Her inaction in ending the marriage is her permission.

 

Instead of moving out why don't you get yourself into personal therapy to figure out why you are so reluctant to end your marriage. Why you have stayed in this celibate marriage and supplemented the sex with low esteemed women who don't think they deserve more than a married wanker.

 

You need to find yourself but you'll never find what you're hiding in by living alone. You need to delve into why you've made the choices you've made with the helpful insight of a professional psychologist.

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I think ending the marriage would at least allow you to pursue these relationships guilt free.

 

Living alone will teach you a lot about yourself... however it won't teach you why you are afraid to let go of a marriage you are unhappy in. For that, you need professional insight and help.

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Well bottom line is you're unhappy with your wife and no offence but it hasn't been an actual relationship for more than a decade. If you have no intimacy with her for twenty years then aren't you just friends? A relationship does involve intimacy and romance and you don't have that. For a whole decade you've been getting that from other people. Your children are grown and moved out. So you don't have to stay with your wife "for the kids". This is YOU time. Finally it's time to find true happiness and love. Which you are never too old to find in my opinion. You should just divorce your wife and be with other people.

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I have been married to my wife for 30+ years. We met quite young & she was my first serious relationship. We could probably be best described as good friends, as in we get on OK but our interaction is fairly superficial. There has been no intimacy in nearly 20 years and very little before that. Our kids have recently grown up and moved out.

 

During the last 10 years or so, I have had a series of affairs. Although they all involved a certain amount of intimacy, it was generally a small part of the experience for me. What I really enjoyed were the everyday things, the long deep conversations, the days out, simply cuddling on the sofa.

 

The affairs ended for various reasons, one due to the other person moving away but in the most recent case, the fact that I simply couldn't bring myself to leave my wife. She knows about some of them and says my cheating makes her 'sad' but she doesn't want to end the marriage. She simply acts as if nothing has happened.

 

My recent affair partner advised me to move out and live alone for a while to 'find myself'. I'm strongly considering this and was wondering if anyone has any advice on this.

 

I don't need condemnation. I know what I've been doing is wrong and hurtful. I'm looking to the future.

 

I find it interesting when partners give advice to completely change a major aspect of life, like your living arrangement.

 

Are you still with this partner? Why did they say this? What was the context? Did you ask for advice? Were you discussing options or something?

 

I have had people give me advice that I didnt ask for and or wasn't something that I actually needed or wanted to do. And I basically brushed it off or thought they didn't know what they were talking about...

 

Aside from the affairs etc... you have been with another person for over 30 years, day in, day out. Sounds like (but I could be wrong) that you two like the arrangement, as neither of you have done anything to change it.

 

Thats the real question. Do you want to expereince living on your own? Do you feel you need to find yourself?

 

As many have posted about your situation - trying therapy, fix the marriage or divorce etc... none of it teally matters. What matters is what you want.

 

Would I stay in a loveless marriage? No. I would not... But I'm not you....and I can't speak for what motivates you and what dreams and plans or how you envision your life to be.

 

Maybe you be invigorated by opportunities. Maybe you would be extremely lonely and marry the very next person to come along, bc you never lived alone and hate it.

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I never been married but, isn`t marriage supposed to be merging your life together with another person that you can`t imagine living without, for the rest of your existence? In plain words - you have to like the person! That person should bring out emotions and feelings and realities in you that you can`t find anywhere else. Boredom and conflicts are to be had of course, but that`s also healthy and natural. What is not natural however is to cohabitate with no mutual respect or interest. Infidelity is a disrespectful act both to your spouse and to you. Listen, I ain`t no judge whatsoever. We are all messed up in some way, me definitely included, but it`s coward to stay in an already finished situation, for both of you. My advice would be to waste no more time (again for both of you) and get a divorce. It`s 100% ok to seperate and not only that, it`s the right and honest thing to do for all parties included. Who knows, maybe you will find the fullfilment you need and she will too. Life is brief, enjoy it.

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She simply acts as if nothing has happened but I bet she is hurting like hell inside. There are women who are very introverted or very passive that they actually feel helpless and just accept things as they are. All she can say is that she is ‘sad’ but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. She has probably been waiting for you to do the right thing for years. You’re the man of the house after all.

 

So, you’re the only one who can tell what your future will look like. You said you know that it is wrong and hurtful, but what will you do about it? What will you do with your wife and for your wife? You have been living this way for years, do you want to make it up to her and be a better man for the remaining years of your life or just be content that this will be your legacy and how you will be remembered as a husband? It’s all on you, bro, man up.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have this friend. He has been married with two, now grown-up, kids for the past 25yrs.

 

He claims the only times he and his wife had sex were when they conceived the kids.

 

He has had numerous affairs and is a regular "user" of casual sex.

 

His wife is aware of his behaviour and simply advises him to use a condom.

 

I long ago gave up telling him to get a divorce. He just says she doesn't want one. What has that got to do with anything?

 

Do the right thing. You know what it is.

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Unless you and your wife have some sort of agreement, stop sleeping around. You are married. And your wife told you that your affairs make her sad. Perhaps this is why there is no intimacy? COuld it be that your wife doesn't want to sleep with someone who is also sleeping with other people?

Why do you keep doing that to her?

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