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Was I taken advantage of?


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So very recently I have left a relationship of 4 years. I have just started a new job 5 months ago and being around more people my age and getting some freedom really opened my eyes that I was extremely unhappy. My ex could be very verbally and mentally abusive. I had never talked about this to anyone in person. So a couple weeks ago I decided to go out for a co-workers birthday. I've never had many friends and at this point my ex and his family were the only people I socialized with. So I was nervous and excited. They party way harder than i do and my insecurity came out. I drank a lot. I opened up to my co-workers at the first bar. I told them details that I had never shared before. My coworker,let's call him Ben,began talking to me. Telling me how glad he was I went out with them and we began talking about personal stuff. I didn't think he was flirting. But he never talked to me that much at work. The second bar this continues and I notice one of the bartenders he knows slips him something we thought was something else but turned out to be a condom. Bar closes,2 of my friends ask if I want to spend the night. I know at this point,even though I am extremely drunk,that my ex will be furious but I do it any way because I was drunk and depressed. We get to their house and they go to bed.Ben and I go outside for a smoke and he kisses me. I am very conflicted at this point because I don't want to be with the guy I'm with and no one ever pays attention to me.i spent a lot of time going back and forth between really wanting to continue and remembering that I am in a relationship. We stayed up all night and I don't remember everything but know we didn't have sex. We wake up and he pretty much pretends it didnt happen. He is keeping his distance from me as much as he can with the same work and friends. I started off thinking that it was just 2 drunk people fooling around but the more I thought about it the more I realize that he could have been planning this very early on before I was too drunk to stand still. Do you think he did? Did he take advantage of the situation I was in? I'm curious because I can't talk to anyone about this really. Thank you.

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Are you still living with the abusive bf? You are lucky they drove you and let you stay somewhere. Get to a doctor MD for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Staying in abusive relationships and getting drunk worsen your depression. You need to talk to a therapist, not get drunk and inflict your abusive stories on coworkers i at a birthday party. If you have a drinking issue get treatment for that as well.

a couple weeks ago I decided to go out for a co-workers birthday.2 of my friends ask if I want to spend the night. I know at this point,even though I am extremely drunk,that my ex will be furious but I do it any way because I was drunk and depressed. We get to their house and they go to bed.Ben and I go outside for a smoke and he kisses me. I am very conflicted at this point because I don't want to be with the guy I'm with and no one ever pays attention to me.i spent a lot of time going back and forth between really wanting to continue and remembering that I am in a relationship. Did he take advantage of the situation I was in?
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"I don't want to be with the guy I'm with and no one ever pays attention to me.i spent a lot of time going back and forth between really wanting to continue and remembering that I am in a relationship."

 

I'm confused. Are you still with the toxic abusive man or not?

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No, he did not take advantage. You made full well a decision to go to where he was.

 

You chose to get drunk, you chose to talk with him, you chose to go to where he was, you chose to stay up with him, you chose to kiss him.

 

Take responsibility for your choices.

 

You're now questioning everything no doubt due to: 1.) Ben no longer cares and only wanted a one night, so now you're upset. 2.) Guilty feeling due to your recently ex boyfriend.

 

But don't make this about, Ben. Own what you did and the choices you made.

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Take advantage of you how? You did everything of your own free will and choice and if you are completely honest, out of sheer desperation.

 

Please get out of the abusive relationship completely and get some counseling for that. Only person you should be talking to about that is a therapist.

 

Learn how to socialize again minus getting drunk. Do not, absolutely do not, share with your coworkers your personal life issues. These are people you work with, do not get personal with them. Keep it at fun social level, but also arm's length. Always lean toward staying professional because anything less can really bite you in rear later when it comes to work, promotions, etc.

 

Make a point of meeting and getting actual friends. Meetup.com is a good place to start - find groups to join, hobbies that might interest you. Start going and you'll end up meeting some people you click with and are able to develop a friendship with.

 

Basically, roll up your sleeves and work hard to get your life in order and you'll find that you no longer feel depressed or so desperate for attention that you end up making bad choices and kissing the first guy who'll talk to you a bit.

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I should make this clear,i am not accusing anybody of sexual assault. That is not what I mean by take advantage. What I want to know is if sounded like a plan of his before I had a clue he was hitting on me. I don't have hard feelings about him, we are friends even. I should have been more clear on that. I know I messed my world up and that I need help. I appreciate everything you have said. Thank you

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I should make this clear,i am not accusing anybody of sexual assault. That is not what I mean by take advantage. What I want to know is if sounded like a plan of his before I had a clue he was hitting on me. I don't have hard feelings about him, we are friends even. I should have been more clear on that. I know I messed my world up and that I need help. I appreciate everything you have said. Thank you

 

I understood what you are asking and my answer stands the same. No there was nothing there. Rather just normal guy met girl, guy thinks girl is cute, guy chatting up cute girl seeing where it leads to. Where it leads to is completely up to you.

 

This sort of paranoid thinking that someone must have some insidious plan to do whatever way in advance is quite frankly the damage that comes with being in an abusive relationship. You start seeing demons in every shadow and why I suggested that you need to get some counseling for yourself. Not saying that bad people don't exist, they do, but not in this situation you are describing.

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I should make this clear,i am not accusing anybody of sexual assault. That is not what I mean by take advantage. What I want to know is if sounded like a plan of his before I had a clue he was hitting on me. I don't have hard feelings about him, we are friends even. I should have been more clear on that. I know I messed my world up and that I need help. I appreciate everything you have said. Thank you

 

So what if he did -if he knew he was attracted to you and saw an opportunity to get to know you better. You choosing to drink is not his fault or his "plan".

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And I understand that,I guess what bothers me is the whole condom thing that went over my head at the time and that he didn't really engage in conversation until after i had been talking about my ex. I'm just not experienced in any sense of the word and this is all new to me. I've only had 2 serious relationships and both were not great.

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And I understand that,I guess what bothers me is the whole condom thing that went over my head at the time and that he didn't really engage in conversation until after i had been talking about my ex. I'm just not experienced in any sense of the word and this is all new to me. I've only had 2 serious relationships and both were not great.

 

What kind of experience are you lacking? You seem to be very knowledgeable about what you think you're entitled to because you're unhappy with your relationship - you wanted to be able to choose to get drunk with coworkers, overshare and then stay over with a coworker instead of calling like an uber or lyft to get home safely. Sounds pretty calculating to me. You don't have to be experienced to know basic common sense - if you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences. You wrote that you were aware of that.

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I think this more about looking in the mirror. You are hurting. We've all been there. We work it out in different ways. Some of them not so healthy.

You aren't the first or the last person to go out with friends, overindulge to numb the pain.

This isn't about whether or you should trust this guy. You made out with him.

This is about learning to trust yourself in these situations.

We can't create a safe world for you to exist in. You need to be smart about your choices.

No harm done. Shake it off. Do better next time.

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Again though, he receives a condom from some guy. Who knows if the guy gave it to him as a joke or if he thought he was going to "get lucky".

The whole point was that the thought he might possibly need it.

 

I doubt either of them planned anything. Even if he seen you two talking and gave him the condom, that's not an evil thing. He just gave him a condom.

I mean, you can color it as "evil men", or you can color it as one guy looking out for another guy because he seen him spending time talking to a new girl.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like anyone was plotting anything against you or trying to trick you. You had free will over everything that went on.

 

I do hope you do get some kind of counselling. Honestly, it sounds like you really do need it to help you heal from past abuse.

In the meantime, stay single. Men and relationships,(casual or serious) will only confuse you right now.

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Thank you,I appreciate everything you've said and what others have said. I guess I didn't realize the effects of my relationship until the last few days. It's a running joke at work about how much I apologize,feels like I'm apologizing for existing sometimes. And yes,I am a bit paranoid about men. I am insecure and have a very low self esteem and I am scared all the time. Thank you

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Again though, he receives a condom from some guy. Who knows if the guy gave it to him as a joke or if he thought he was going to "get lucky".

The whole point was that the thought he might possibly need it.

 

I doubt either of them planned anything. Even if he seen you two talking and gave him the condom, that's not an evil thing. He just gave him a condom.

I mean, you can color it as "evil men", or you can color it as one guy looking out for another guy because he seen him spending time talking to a new girl.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like anyone was plotting anything against you or trying to trick you. You had free will over everything that went on.

 

I do hope you do get some kind of counselling. Honestly, it sounds like you really do need it to help you heal from past abuse.

In the meantime, stay single. Men and relationships,(casual or serious) will only confuse you right now.

 

Pretty much what I was going to say. His pal is a bit crass, but neither one of them is some evil guy out to get you or any woman, certainly not plotting.

 

Hoping to get lucky and being prepared is not a bad thing and yes, quite normal.

 

A more important question is why do you want to convince yourself that you were somehow taken advantage of? What do you get out of that story?

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Thank you,I appreciate everything you've said and what others have said. I guess I didn't realize the effects of my relationship until the last few days. It's a running joke at work about how much I apologize,feels like I'm apologizing for existing sometimes. And yes,I am a bit paranoid about men. I am insecure and have a very low self esteem and I am scared all the time. Thank you

 

This was an eye opener for you then.

Take some much needed to time for yourself and work on getting your balance back.

You'll look back at this and when you are in a better place.

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I never wanted to make him out to be a bad guy. I'm just really confused as to why this happened on his end. He isn't a bad person and I've gotten to know him a bit more than I did. I know why I did what I did because i did it. I guess the best solution would have been to not ask for advice here maybe but talk to him about it. I have constant anxiety and most times I don't say what I feel because I'm afraid for whatever dumb reason. Im sorry,this wasn't the right thing to do. I guess I just wanted outsiders opinion and I got it. I know now what happebed and what I did wrong. Now I just have to work up the courage to talk to him about it. I'm sorry. Thank you all.

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I never wanted to make him out to be a bad guy. I'm just really confused as to why this happened on his end. He isn't a bad person and I've gotten to know him a bit more than I did. I know why I did what I did because i did it. I guess the best solution would have been to not ask for advice here maybe but talk to him about it. I have constant anxiety and most times I don't say what I feel because I'm afraid for whatever dumb reason. Im sorry,this wasn't the right thing to do. I guess I just wanted outsiders opinion and I got it. I know now what happebed and what I did wrong. Now I just have to work up the courage to talk to him about it. I'm sorry. Thank you all.

 

I don't think you need to talk to him especially since you are not sure exactly what happened because you chose to drink (and if you have anxiety, please stay sober!). What's the confusion? He was attracted to you and he acted on the attraction. Now he regrets that he acted on the attraction because it's now awkward at work so he's avoiding you.

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Let it go. If you work with these people it's best to not go on about it. It only brings up the fact that you drank too much and that isn't a good thing to revisit with coworkers. Focus on being professional at work. You need to keep your job to remain independent. Hold your head up and maybe everyone will forget the ugly mess.

Now I just have to work up the courage to talk to him about it.
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Oh no, OP. I would seriously cringe for you if you decided to talk to him. Reason being is because you and he didn't date or have any kind of relationship.

He never indicated that this was going to be anything more than one night and your misinterpretation isn't his fault.

 

The best thing you can do, is just let it go.

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