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Partner wants to lose weight and go on a diet. I am borderline underweight.


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My partner (we are a lesbian couple) is 5'7" and 170lbs, used to be an athletic US Marine. She is very self-conscious about her weight gain the past couple years. I tell her I do not care what the scale says, and I am being genuine. I love her just the way she is and just want her to be happy. She frequently talks about wanting to go on a diet and exercise plan, but implies in order for her to go through with it, I have to do it with her. Issue is, I am 5'3" and 108 lbs and don't have much weight to lose. My metabolism is just higher than hers. I have no issue picking up my exercise game because I have been meaning to do that for awhile anyway, but I feel like it is a little unfair to feel pressured into going on a diet with her that I don't necessarily need/might not be good for an already borderline underweight person. But I also want to be as supportive as possible. What should I do? Am I being selfish?

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Are you selfish? No.

 

Would it be incredibly selfish of your partner to put your health and well being at risk just because they can't get their act together on their own and do what it takes to get fit? Yup.

 

If she needs to support, tell her to join Camp Gladiator or whatever where there is group pressure and financial investment to show up and do it.

 

As for dieting....honestly that word makes me cringe. It's a really good way to ensure she messes up her metabolism and ends up yoyoing between fat and slightly less fat forever. Eat proper whole foods, balanced meals, don't starve yourselves. Maybe talk more about that. That you will support proper healthy eating and tossing out junk food and chips and cookies, but you will not diet as in eat less than you need. Offer to cook healthy meals together rather than "diet".

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Ok you can both get fit and eat well, the difference being she will have to do so to lose weight where you can just improve fitness and nutrition. Other than that she will have to do stuff for herself.

 

Why not join some clubs, groups, activities, etc that incorporate fitness? Just about anyone could have healthier food in the house and in their lives. Make a gesture to improve activity and eating habits but of course the weight is hers to lose.

My partner (we are a lesbian couple) is 5'7" and 170lbs, used to be an athletic US Marine. She frequently talks about wanting to go on a diet and exercise plan, but implies in order for her to go through with it, I have to do it with her. Issue is, I am 5'3" and 108 lbs and don't have much weight to lose
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Be straight up honest with her. Tell her that you'll cooperate with the exercise and diet routine as long as it is tailor made for each of you individually. Both of you can still exercise yet eat differently and / or choose your portions. She needs to respect your health and you need to tell her so. You can still be morally supportive and even go so far as to not even workout with her nor eat the same food or quantities as her diet. There either needs to be a healthy compromise or tell her both of you will take care of health as individuals.

 

You need to make sure you set these rules of respect otherwise this diet 'n exercise goal is only the beginning of other disagreements in the future. It's all about fairness and respect in relationships otherwise it won't work.

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Wow, I am so used to help boards where you don't get a response for weeks. This is great! Thank you so much everybody, I feel like I finally have a place to have some very awesome support. You guys rock! Thank you! :D

 

You're very welcome, esp14! :D

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She's trying to put the onus of her being healthy on you, and when she fails, or gives up, it was your fault not hers.

 

Give her the hard line. 'Suck it up sweetheart. If you want to lose weight, go lose weight. I'll be supportive of your journey, but to get real results you need to be the leader of your own changes.'

 

Also, she used to be a US Marine, so pandering to her about how you don't care about what the scale says, doesn't register as support. Hard line it, put the onus on her and see if that helps.

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You have to have an honest conversation with her. State what you are willing to do and what not. You can always support her in other ways such as:

1. helping her prep healthy meals (meal prep)

2. find new places that offer healthier fast food/comfort food and discover them with her on her "cheat days"

3. pick up a new hobby (for example rowing/hiking/biking) or go to the gym or running together

4. remind her of her goals and dreams when she goes off track

5. If you do the shopping, make sure you keep her in mind and buy healthier alternatives.

 

What do you think?

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My partner (we are a lesbian couple) is 5'7" and 170lbs, used to be an athletic US Marine. She is very self-conscious about her weight gain the past couple years. I tell her I do not care what the scale says, and I am being genuine. I love her just the way she is and just want her to be happy. She frequently talks about wanting to go on a diet and exercise plan, but implies in order for her to go through with it, I have to do it with her. Issue is, I am 5'3" and 108 lbs and don't have much weight to lose. My metabolism is just higher than hers. I have no issue picking up my exercise game because I have been meaning to do that for awhile anyway, but I feel like it is a little unfair to feel pressured into going on a diet with her that I don't necessarily need/might not be good for an already borderline underweight person. But I also want to be as supportive as possible. What should I do? Am I being selfish?

 

You could just work with building muscle tone, or working on balanced eating. She and you do not have to have the same workout goals; just going to the gym together is a blessing. I could go to the gym alone, but my hubs will not go without me.

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