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Hes going to Vegas on our anniversary...


You4me2020

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Hey everyone looking for an outside perspective (the only one I've had so far is from his parents and they are firmly team him)

 

Basically my boyfriend came to my after Christmas and said I've been invited to go to Vegas. I'm a really anxious person and said basically I wish he wouldn't, he rarely has time for me and I didn't think it was OK that he could make time to go to Vegas for 6 days yet he rarely sees me.

 

We got in a huge argument, and whilst having a cooling off period he told his friends he was going and paid for the trip. He told me after we were speaking again. He then following that with it was supposed to be the first week of march... But something happened with the flights so they rebooked it for the 3rd week of march leaving before and being away for our 2nd anniversary.

 

I'm really upset and annoyed. He says he's sorry and its not his fault. I asked him if it had have been intended to be in that period would he have booked it and he says no. But doesn't now see the need to cancel it because it goes into that period.

 

Apparently he's taking me for dinner two nights before, a quick one because he has to get home to pack and sleep as they leave the following day very early to get the flight. I can't stay over as it would involve me having to get up at 4am. He says it's cool we have the weekend after. But the weekend after isn't our anniversary.

 

Am I being totally irrational here? I feel like I explain why I'm sad and he shrugs his shoulders and says well I can't change it.

 

It's extremely frustrating as if the roles were reversed I'd have cancelled as soon as I knew it had happened.

 

Thanks

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"It's extremely frustrating as if the roles were reversed I'd have cancelled as soon as I knew it had happened. "

 

But he's not you. He apparently doesn't see a dating anniversary as an important date like you do. He seems to think as long as something's done near that date, it's close enough.

 

How frequently do you two see one another? Do you spend one on one time or is it always in a group setting?

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Nope your right he's not me.

 

He's busy Monday nights, and Wednesday nights with hobbies. Usually tired from work both Tuesday and Thursdays so generally the weekend is available unless he's with his friends. I'm always invited and sometimes go, he knows I'd like more alone time. But when I say so his reply is generally Monday and Wednesdays and the only things I do for myself and then I end up feeling like a terrible person for saying it.

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We got in a huge argument, and whilst having a cooling off period he told his friends he was going and paid for the trip. He told me after we were speaking again. He then following that with it was supposed to be the first week of march... But something happened with the flights so they rebooked it for the 3rd week of march leaving before and being away for our 2nd anniversary.
I'm sorry, but you're being a snowflake about this and you making such a big deal out of it is a great way for him to think "why be with someone that makes me feel guilty for doing something I want to do that doesn't affect the relationship?

 

Its not like he's going away for six months. He IS taking you out for dinner before he goes and he will likely take you out when he gets back so don't let your unnecessary hurt feelings cause a real crack in your emotional connection. Wish him fun, tell him to be good and not do anything you wouldn't do, to call you and let you know that he landed safely and then go have fun with your girlfriends and be a mature girlfriend.

 

It's not like he's missing your exact date to go to something nefarious or that SHOULD affect your relationship in general.

 

Book your own vacation to somewhere fun with a couple of girlfriends and try not to fret so much. You'll hopefully have many other anniversaries that you'll be able to celebrate. Perhaps at a destination you can go to together.

 

Nope your right he's not me.

 

He's busy Monday nights, and Wednesday nights with hobbies. Usually tired from work both Tuesday and Thursdays so generally the weekend is available unless he's with his friends. I'm always invited and sometimes go, he knows I'd like more alone time. But when I say so his reply is generally Monday and Wednesdays and the only things I do for myself and then I end up feeling like a terrible person for saying it.

 

After reading that I'm wondering why you stay with him if you're so not jiggy with the dynamic.

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Nope your right he's not me.

 

He's busy Monday nights, and Wednesday nights with hobbies. Usually tired from work both Tuesday and Thursdays so generally the weekend is available unless he's with his friends. I'm always invited and sometimes go, he knows I'd like more alone time. But when I say so his reply is generally Monday and Wednesdays and the only things I do for myself and then I end up feeling like a terrible person for saying it.

 

So you two hang out with his friends and are calling that a relationship? What about dates? One on one time? Weekend getaways? Dinners out, films, trips to museums or art galleries? Even coffee at a coffee house? Anything?

 

Does he call you his girlfriend in front of his friends?

 

What are you calling an "anniversary"? Your first date? The date he asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend?

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Nope your right he's not me.

 

He's busy Monday nights, and Wednesday nights with hobbies. Usually tired from work both Tuesday and Thursdays so generally the weekend is available unless he's with his friends. I'm always invited and sometimes go, he knows I'd like more alone time. But when I say so his reply is generally Monday and Wednesdays and the only things I do for myself and then I end up feeling like a terrible person for saying it.

 

And what are you busy with those evenings? And yes being at home and reading or enjoying a show or cleaning is busy too. You don't have to be a social butterfly. I do think if you were busier pursuing things you like to do you wouldn't notice it as much. What are his hobbies? Can you ever join in? Can you hang out and just chill on a Tuesday or Thursday?

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I love him is the simple fact, and I'm hopeful that we will have an awesome life together.

 

He's not perfect no one is, I often feel neglected, but like I said when I say so he makes me feel bad and irrational for feeling irrelevant.

 

Then when things like this arise I feel even more irrelevant.

 

I'm a busy lady and have waaaay more responsibilities than be does and I make time. But he feels like his time is his and I have to fit. The flip side is I break it off and then I'm gutted without him.

 

Love can be such a horrible thing sometimes.

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We used to do alot of going away, date nights doing various things alone. With his friends, mine. Everyone knows I am his girlfriend, I don't think he's sneaking around I think he's just become relationship lazy. I have called him out on it he's apparently working on it.

 

Our anniversary is the day we became an exclusive couple. He made a huge fuss over the 1st one. The second doesn't seem to matter. I don't even want dinner or date night. I simply asked for time.

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Should you be upset he's going away on your anniversary? sure, anyone would be but there is something that has been staring you in the face....the fact that you two are incompatible. TBH I don't think he values your relationship all that much, and after almost 2 years, this is what you get......maybe it's time to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. I don't think you are getting what you need out of it. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the want you want to be treated. Is this OK with you? no, and I'm sure there have been other times things have not sat well with you.

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I love him is the simple fact, and I'm hopeful that we will have an awesome life together.

 

He's not perfect no one is, I often feel neglected, but like I said when I say so he makes me feel bad and irrational for feeling irrelevant.

 

Then when things like this arise I feel even more irrelevant.

 

I'm a busy lady and have waaaay more responsibilities than be does and I make time. But he feels like his time is his and I have to fit. The flip side is I break it off and then I'm gutted without him.

 

Love can be such a horrible thing sometimes.

 

As you well know love is not enough. So if you are so busy why do you care - doesn't that mean you wouldn't be able to see him Mon-Thurs? Also how do you define busy? Again I wouldn't indulge in the whole "but I love him" because loving is giving. You didn't want to give him the space and air to go to Vegas, you complain to him about feeling neglected and he reacts in an unsympathetic way -but you stay -so that action means you are willing to tolerate it. What's he supposed to do? You complain but you stay.

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You'd only be "gutted" for a short while, when you realize how unimportant he's making you and this pseudo relationship.

 

If you want a relationship where a man prioritizes you and makes you feel loved, secure and important to him...this is not it.

 

Do you want to keep holding on and give up the chance to find that wonderful relationship?

 

You can't date or hug or kiss "hope".

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I'm extremely busy, I see friends, I go to the gym, movies, read. I also have 2 children with special needs who I take alot of time with. But I somehow fit around him. He has no kids, a job, lives at home (his parents are amazing, he's almost saved for a house but it's never been an issue)

 

I personally can hang out on a Tuesday and Thursday. But he wants to eat bath and sleep

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If your normal relationship was fine, this trip thing would be a non-issue. If you're not happy with the amount of time you spend with your bf and you've already tried to communicate this without any change, why not admit you two aren't compatible? He's okay with little time spent with you. You'd rather spend more time with a bf. When you're dissatisfied the majority of the time, it means the relationship isn't right for you. Perhaps see this as a watershed moment, cueing you in that you should probably break it off in order to find someone who is right for you.

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I'm extremely busy, I see friends, I go to the gym, movies, read. I also have 2 children with special needs who I take alot of time with. But I somehow fit around him. He has no kids, a job, lives at home (his parents are amazing, he's almost saved for a house but it's never been an issue)

 

I personally can hang out on a Tuesday and Thursday. But he wants to eat bath and sleep

 

So what exactly would you be giving up? Feeling inadequate, irrelevant to him and ignored? Being treated like an annoyance?

 

Please, you know you can do better than this.

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Thanks everyone for your input and I agree. There have definitely been issues, and communication and lacking of time and care are definitely some of those.

 

I think my mindset is, well he's not cheating on me, and he doesn't to my knowledge lie to me so maybe I'm the problem.

 

When in actual fact I think it's Increased my anxiety and basically makes me feel like a crazy person for wanting those things that I should be getting already.

 

Definitely food for thought

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Thanks everyone for your input and I agree. There have definitely been issues, and communication and lacking of time and care are definitely some of those.

 

I think my mindset is, well he's not cheating on me, and he doesn't to my knowledge lie to me so maybe I'm the problem.

 

When in actual fact I think it's Increased my anxiety and basically makes me feel like a crazy person for wanting those things that I should be getting already.

 

Definitely food for thought

 

So yes you have to separate whether you'd be this anxious with anyone -whether this is because of your anxiety issues -or whether your anxiety is simply because you're not with someone who's a good match for you -he's content to see you on the weekends only. You are not.

 

I also wouldn't indulge in the broad categories of "communication" and "lacking of time and care" - force yourself to get really specific, for yourself about where the gap is between your expectations and what he actually does. I was very upset with my husband last night for what fell into two of these categories last night because of a situation that arose with our son's behavior at bedtime. I was very specific with him about telling him exactly how I felt from his reactions and why it fell short of my expectations. I felt better letting it out in that way rather than going all drama queen with "we have communication issues" or "you don't care about me!!!" So with Vegas you told him exactly what your issue was. Make it about you "I feel hurt when you say you are too tired on Tuesdays and Thursdays to hang out with me even for a little while."

 

I really hope you didn't want him to cancel a vacation to Vegas with his friends because it happens to be the anniversary of when you became exclusive? Imagine being at a romantic restaurant on a weekend night while he is getting texts from his friends about the trip -which he'll look at later -do you really think he'd be present with you and happy to be with you in that situation? Why because "love conquers all?"

On New Year's Eve -two months before I gave birth - and about a couple of weeks into our marriage. - I told my husband to go meet his friends for dinner and try to be home for midnight to ring in the new year. My huge tired belly just couldn't stomach going out in the cold. His friends called to say they were at a restaurant nearby having dinner. He should stay home with his pregnant wife just because it's New Year's Eve? I think he did get home for midnight but here's the takeaway - I don't distinctly remember that, I remember making myself urge him to go out with his friends even though he "should" want to be home with his pregnant wife. Because that's what it's about - not the "wanting those things I should be getting already" but giving of yourself not to the point of martyrdom or resentment but because you know giving your loved one space is a very thoughtful thing to do (and you know absence makes the heart grow fonder, too).

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Sorry to hear this. Have you heard about Peter Pan Syndrome? While you do the heavy lifting he will coast along.

I'm extremely busy, I see friends, I go to the gym, movies, read. I also have 2 children with special needs who I take alot of time with. But I somehow fit around him. He has no kids, a job, lives at home (his parents are amazing, he's almost saved for a house but it's never been an issue)
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I don't think this Vegas trip is the biggest issue here. I understand being upset that the trip happened to fall on your anniversary and I also understand how you'd feel uncomfortable about the trip since you feel like you two do t get enough alone time. However, I do think that it's okay for him to take this trip to Vegas. He didn't originally plan to do the trip on your anniversary and things happen all the time. At least he is making effort to have an anniversary dinner and spend time with you the weekend after he's back. Letting the Vegas trip go is the best thing you can do and he'd appreciate you being understanding about him wanting to do something that makes him happy. You have to put yourself in his shoes and think of a scenario of something that you might be super excited about and want to do. What if he tried to make you feel guilty for wanting to do that? I know it's not easy. We are often blinded by out own emotions but you have to think logically too.

 

The bigger issue is that you clearly don't seem happy with the amount of one on one time you two spend. He may not be bothered by it nearly as much as you and sometimes it's hard to communicate this without feeling like you're being pushy or clingy, etc. Having anxiety on top of everything will cause you to overthink everything you say or do, etc. I get it but you have to learn to communicate better with your partner so that you two can either work together on ways to compromise or become aware of each other's needs and wants. It's not easy to keep from letting emotions taking control. Instead of talking to him when you are super upset or worked up about it... Find a time when you feel as calm as possible and open to communication and open to hearing things you might not always agree with. Then maybe you could explain that while you enjoy spending time with him and his friends or your friends that you would like to spend more time together. What can we do to make this happen? Maybe he would be okay with you coming by on a Tuesday or Thursday for a quick dinner together before he goes to bed or maybe occasionally on a Monday or Wednesday he could set aside one of his hobbies or you could see about joining him on one of these hobbies every now and then. This is definitely not an issue that will be solved overnight and it may take some give and take from both of you. If he isn't willing to work with you on this... then like the others are saying... This may be a compatibility issue and you may have to do some serious thinking on whether you are going to be happy in this relationship and where it's going. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions.

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I think he doesn't want to sign up for true, lasting commitment to a woman with two children - by only seeing you on weekends he doesn't have to get involved in your daily life. His lifestyle is so very different from yours that he's content to see you when it's fun and convenient. I'm not going to judge him as Peter Pan -he's simply not ready to commit to the package deal you present.

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I think you two might have different ideas about what is happening in this relationship.

You:

1. prioritizes making regular time to be together

2. prioritizes the anniversary

 

him:

1. prioritizes other things above making regular time to be together

2. prioritizes a trip with friends above the anniversary

 

You:

1. responsibilities including home and children

 

Him

1. lives at home where many needs, I assume, at least, some responsibilities are taken care of by his parents

 

Maybe you're concerns about vegas, the anniversary, the day to day workings of the relationship are telling you something about this man and relationship. Your own anxiety could be your body and mind reacting to your needs not being met by this man.

 

It makes no difference who agrees with you or him. The relationship is between the two of you.

 

Sadly, to love someone is not enough to keep a relationship going. I hear so many people saying things like that.... But you will never love someone enough for two. He has to put in his share or you will continue to feel this way until you get so fed up, you quit....

 

Because you're loving him over yourself.... and you're sacrificing, where he sees no sacrifice. So there's no appreciation for your efforts. That leads to resentment...

 

He's going, its not up to you. what are you going to do? What can you do?

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I'm a really anxious person and said basically I wish he wouldn't, he rarely has time for me and I didn't think it was OK that he could make time to go to Vegas for 6 days yet he rarely sees me.

 

 

 

Am I being totally irrational here? I feel like I explain why I'm sad and he shrugs his shoulders and says well I can't change it.

 

It's extremely frustrating as if the roles were reversed I'd have cancelled as soon as I knew it had happened.

 

I was in a similar situation. My former GF went to LV several times to see her female friend for different reasons: her friend was sad, her friend was fighting with her mom, her friend needed the support, etc. I understood those reasons, but pointed out to my GF that she never accommodated ME. She would do tons of things for her friends, this one and other ones, but never anything for me, and cancelled plans with me if necessary. It took me a *very long time* to leave, and only when it got intolerable, but it hurt my heart and my soul too much to be put 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.

 

I would have never done the same things either, and that's why ultimately we were incompatible. It hurts a lot, though, I know. I sympathize with you.

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I was in a similar situation. My former GF went to LV several times to see her female friend for different reasons: her friend was sad, her friend was fighting with her mom, her friend needed the support, etc. I understood those reasons, but pointed out to my GF that she never accommodated ME. She would do tons of things for her friends, this one and other ones, but never anything for me, and cancelled plans with me if necessary. It took me a *very long time* to leave, and only when it got intolerable, but it hurt my heart and my soul too much to be put 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.

 

I would have never done the same things either, and that's why ultimately we were incompatible. It hurts a lot, though, I know. I sympathize with you.

 

You4Me meet Bossanova... Bossanove meet You4Me. You two seem to have the same attachment style.

 

*Last time I introduced two forum members like that they ended up getting married and have a beautiful daughter now... they lived a continent apart. :D

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