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How long would you wait for " I love you"


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Be yourself. Say what you feel when the time is right. If the other person does not act like there is love or say it, step back. "Wait to hear it"? Not sure why a clock would be ticking on this if a relationship, exclusivity, etc is being established. There is not right time to express this. Do you mean before or after sex? Or for a certain amount of time?

How long would you wait to hear these three words?

What were circumstances in which you heard them ?

Would you care to hear them if the relationship was good?

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No hard timeline. For my relationships, it's tended to be ~6 months in or so. Though so long as things were going well and we'd communicated we were interested in long-term dating, it wouldn't have hung me up if it took longer. Almost never under particularly romantic circumstances. Usually well after it's all but implied and one of us felt it was a natural thing to say. Never used it as some leap of faith.

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Some men almost never say it. What's a matter, you no lika Squint Eastwood?!

 

If you read people you can tell that they love you through their actions. Saying the words may be overrated.

 

I can’t begin to disagree more. While some people are not overly verbal or affectionate, if they can’t tell you they love you it is just more evidence of inability to communicate. If you want to go into a long-term relationship knowing someone cannot express feelings then don’t complain later when communication just gets worse. Without communication, your relationship will founder.

 

This is just more evidence of how we are all supposed to keep lowering our standards — it’s fine not to have a commitment when you want one, it’s fine not to hear I love you, it’s unwise to expect anything from a partner — it’s not leading to partnerships that are any better and it is devaluing individuals.

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6 months+ is about right.

 

Circumstances, hmm..maybe having a cuddle session.

 

Would I care to hear them if the relationship was good.....for sure! It's very validating that the other person feels the same way you do and that you're both on the same page.

 

Gary, where do you get these ideas from? I've never been the first one to say it, so yes, men most certainly do say it and say it loud and clear if that's what they're feeling.

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Speaking for myself, I would never wait. But I don’t view love or romance in those terms.

 

I say “I love you” when I know it is my truth, and trust that when someone tells me they love me that’s what they are expressing: a fact about their feelings that they want to share. I have found it most freeing to say when I genuinely don’t expect it in return, since it’s as profound as it is simple: a fact, not a theory I need confirmed by another.

 

I think different people express it at different times. Me? I like to feel confident that what I’m expressing is not loving how someone makes me feel—dizzy, giddy, warm, hot, secure, whatever—but how I feel about them, and being me alongside them. I also like to know that what I’m expressing is pretty solid, rather than flickering or infatuation-fueled, so I’ve generally told someone I love them not the first second or first week I feel it, but once that feeling has rooted and seems to only be growing upward and outward. Probably around 8 months, were I to analyze the game footage, though I don’t have any set timelines.

 

Your last question is a hard one to answer. If the relationship was good, as in something that genuinely made me feel good, I think that would be my focus: the goodness, the fun, the connection, the evolution, rather than what was missing. If I felt something critical was missing, be it someone expressing love or something else? Well, that would be a sign that, for all the goodness, something was inherently not so good.

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Gary, where do you get these ideas from? .

 

Please note that I said some men never say it.

 

The things I talk about come from the very best relationships. The ones that have less than a handful of arguments per year, and still laugh and play together like little children cause they are crazy in love with each other.

 

I think many people get their ideas from the fantasy world of Hollywood.

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Let's say after a year ,exclusive relationship - wouldn't concern you if you would not hear it / say it ?

....or if you would say it but the other party is not there yet ? Does not feel that the relationship is settled enough to feel it / say it ?

Being not there yet....how does one know he will be there one day ?

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Let's say after a year ,exclusive relationship - wouldn't concern you if you would not hear it / say it ?

....or if you would say it but the other party is not there yet ? Does not feel that the relationship is settled enough to feel it / say it ?

Being not there yet....how does one know he will be there one day ?

 

Yes.

 

If I was with someone for a year, knew I was in love, but was reluctant to tell them I would be concerned because that meant I was with someone I could not be honest with.

 

And if I was with someone for a year, with a big chunk of that spent waiting to hear it—same concerns, same strand of dishonesty.

 

We can never know when or if someone will love us, or say it. We can, however, know what we need to feel secure in the invariable uncertainty that always exists within romance.

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There is no deadline. For many men, especially older than teen, saying "i love you" means they made a decision of commitment. Its not just a feeling. It took my guy a year because he didn't know when the "right time" was. But all along, he showed he loved me by his conduct, his actions, etc. I would RUN if a guy said it after a week of dating, after 2 months of dating unless its someone you have known for years, have had a loving friendship and started dating because you both realized something was there all along. no one can really know its actually love then - or it can be just a move to get you in the sack or someone who has fast burnout.

 

Most of the time when women ask this question, its not about a man that they have no doubt about, its usually about a guy who is disrespectful, is not too committal when it comes to planning dates, etc. and so forth.

 

By the way:

 

Woman says to man, "I love you". Translation: "Now you say it!"

 

YES.

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There is no deadline. For many men, especially older than teen, saying "i love you" means they made a decision of commitment. Its not just a feeling. It took my guy a year because he didn't know when the "right time" was. But all along, he showed he loved me by his conduct, his actions, etc. I would RUN if a guy said it after a week of dating, after 2 months of dating unless its someone you have known for years, have had a loving friendship and started dating because you both realized something was there all along. no one can really know its actually love then - or it can be just a move to get you in the sack or someone who has fast burnout.

 

- Very well said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thing is for sure.....I certainly do stir the pot!

 

That's okay.....I do like to watch drama! As long as I'm not too involved in the drama. lol!

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That's the thing....you don't know. Dating is in real time, a what's in front of you situation. Wishing and hoping and 'seeing potential' are the ways people get hurt because the truth and the expectation do not align. This means people are on a different page not a different timeline.

 

Sadly there is a plethora of myths out there about "commitmentphobe" "shy guys" men with verbal constipation etc. However these are myths that people toss around to try to prolong the wishing and hoping and "potential".

Let's say after a year ,exclusive relationship. Being not there yet....how does one know he will be there one day ?
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I probably wouldn't wait. If i felt it...

 

But if you think the guy has to say it first, but he is holding out on you, why?

 

Sounds like maybe you have a lot of time invested but you don't know him well enough to know how he feels...

 

Which I think is the more compelling question. Time can be an indicator of the stage of a relationship, but not always... we talk a lot about generalizations here. Who is to say what is happening with a specific person.

 

One of my exes, was not the best at communicating his feelings. The first time he said it, he thought I was asleep. But I already knew.....

 

what do you think? Does he? Do you need to hear it? Its not a bad thing if you do.

 

My family we always say it... all the time. Everytime we hang up the phone, end a text convo, leave each other... my closest friends, too. Even my guy friends! Its just so natural to me... Why try to repress it?

 

Love its the most important thing..... And to deny me it, well then you'd probably get kicked to curb. Cause if he don't love you anymore, walk your fine ass out the door.....

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Wouldn't you feel resentment if your bf/ gf wouldn't say at after a year ?

 

Resentment? No. I don't resent how people feel. You can't force a person to feel something or express something a certain way if they don't want to or don't feel it. There is nothing to resent.

 

That said, a year is a long time and if they don't feel it, can't say it, etc. I would think that the relationship is not that great, not working for me and start looking for the exit. Before I do exit though, you know what they say about relationships - communication communication communication. I'd pick a quiet relaxed moment to talk about it a bit and get an understanding of where he is at. Although a year in, I'd be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear - that he isn't feeling it.

 

As for why? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's divorce baggage or daddy or mommy issues from childhood or insert any other reason here. What matters is that this person is not emotionally healthy, ready and available to be fully present in a healthy relationship with me and I wouldn't waste any more time waiting on them to come around. Reason being is that just because someone heals and becomes available, doesn't mean they'll say those words to you. They can well say "thanks for helping me heal for 3 years and good bye. Feeling great now and ready to love again. Appreciate what you did for me."

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Is your view on this different when you in your 30 or 50 and let's say after a difficult divorce ?
If someone is so traumatized, from their divorce or past, you shouldn't be dating them. That's not fair to you

 

I would think at 30 or 50 or any age, an emotionally healthy person should be able to say it....

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Is he much older or burned out from a divorce? While a rhetorical discussion is always interesting the goal posts and what ifs are shifting so much there really is no answer to this riddle.

 

So piecing this together...you are dating a 50ish divorced guy for a year and he has not said I love you? The best thing you can do is not hope to fix or change anyone or make excuses about indifference or coasting or someone who is hurt or damaged or gun-shy or or or...

Is your view on this different when you in your 30 or 50 and let's say after a difficult divorce ?
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