Heartbroken of a long term relationship

[lost39-]

On 2/9/2020 at 11:06 AM, Darcus30 said:

I'm in exactly the same boat now mate and truly feel your pain . Sitting in the house surrounded by memories.. I lovd her so much it truely hurts I feel sick all the time

Did it ever get any easier for you?

Ok so its been a while and feeling low so thought I'd do a quick update, she has been seeing this new guy for a good few months now and sleeps over there alot, he has 3 kids, she has been calling me saying she's made a big mistake but said she doesn't want to upset anyone!  Tells me she loves me, she cries for me etc...

She said everything is messed up, any advice, it would be hard for me as I know she's slept with him but I could overcome that we could be a family again. Im a lost soul 

[LaHermes]

Darcus.

 

You got so so much excellent advice over the months from the posters on here. I just don't know what else to say to you, except that you haven't heeded one word we said.

Can you not get it into your head that she continues to manipulate you? Why are you taking her calls? No, she does NOT love you. But she loves the drama of winding you up. She is with another man, end of story. Why are you doing this to yourself?  This behaviour is so self-destructive.

Please, please, make 2021 the year when you stop this ruminating, and the contact (unless for strictly business matters).  

[boltnrun]

Did she say she is going to stop sleeping with the other man and is going to be 100% committed and faithful to you?

[Hollyj]

She has been gone for a year.  Why do you continue to allow this?   You need to move on with your life.  This means blocking and deleting her.  She has cheated, lied, and is still treating you terribly.    What do you get out of this, other than punishing yourself.   This woman does not love or respect you.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

She said everything is messed up

You got that right!  So she's gone from a trainer(?) w/ 2 kids.. and now with another one?

She's still kinda young, yes?  Sad :/.

She seems lost.. and I feel she realizes much of what she has done and in ways in trying to get you to give in.. be her emotional pillow.. BUT as mentioned.. take care of YOU.

Remember.. she is 'messed' up.  Don't get dragged down with all of her problems!

Tread carefully.. ( If it has been quite a while, you should be somewhat healed of this rough experience??).

Don't go back again...

(choice is yours.. But.. I would only accept somewhat of a 'friend' with her.. no more).

Last thing you need is to be getting into it with her again.. and then again, off she goes.. Nope!.

[lost39-]

On 2/9/2020 at 11:06 AM, Darcus30 said:

I'm in exactly the same boat now mate and truly feel your pain . Sitting in the house surrounded by memories.. I lovd her so much it truely hurts I feel sick all the time

Did it ever get any easier for you?

Ok so its been a while and feeling low so thought I'd do a quick update, she has been seeing this new guy for a good few months now and sleeps over there alot, he has 3 kids, she has been calling me saying she's made a big mistake but said she doesn't want to upset anyone!  Tells me she loves me, she cries for me etc...

She said everything is messed up, any advice, it would be hard for me as I know she's slept with him but I could overcome that we could be a family again. Im a lost soul 

[lost39-]

I know I've had good advice and I took it! I stopped chasing and nis she says shed made a mistake, so what jf she is genuine? And does want to give it a go? 

People make mistakes dont they, im going to give it until 31st of this month to come back if not I need to just tell her good luck etc.. 

Should I give her the ultimatum?

Thanks all for your support

[Tinydance]

Well, the way I see it, it's probably a combination of brain washing and also the fact that she's changed and isn't exactly the same person she was anymore. People do change in their late teens and early twenties, these are periods of a lot of growth. Often people that started dating very young just grow apart. I'm thinking that she got sucked into these new spiritual interests and it might be a brainwashing and cult kind of thing.

On the other hand, even without any kind of cult, she's become really passionate about an interest which you don't share, and this older man does. It's like as if she got obsessed with mountain climbing and this older guy is really into it too. She might just be finding that she has a lot in common with him and she's connecting with him on all those spiritual topics. I don't think his age means she can't be interested in him because they're both adults and I guess she has some kind of connection with him.

I know it hurts but if you want my opinion, I think you should just let her go and actually move on. Don't chase her or wait for her to come back or anything like that. She cheated on you for sure in the sense that she left you for that guy. So that means something was going on with him already. Whether it was emotional or physical I think doesn't matter. If she's willing to cheat and she just leaves immediately and doesn't want to work on your relationship, then let her go. She treated you really bad and she doesn't deserve you.

The other thing too is she's now very dedicated to this spiritual work and she wants to travel and things like that. She wants to experience new things and get out into the world. You don't have interest in this new life she wants, so she's left you behind. She's just become a different person and it doesn't seem like you're the right match for her anymore.

[Andrina]

Perhaps if she'd extricated herself from this and been totally alone for a good year, it might be worth the risk. She's basically cheating on him while talking to you. She's still a cheater. Nothing has changed. She jumps from one man to another, seeking some sort of fulfillment, yet she'll never be satisfied because she's never been alone in her adult years to learn fulfillment as a single person. And her ethics as a cheater haven't changed. It's rare that a person's ethics will change, so never hold out hope for that.

I'd block her so you can have closure. There are pretty, ethical, single women who would be a more satisfying match. Women who aren't a high risk to your heart. Women who you won't have to have trust issue with, which you would with an ex who has already shown you who she is. As Maya Angelou said: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

[boltnrun]

Has she said she will stop sleeping with the other man and is committing 100% to you and only you?

How is sleeping with another man a "mistake"? She accidentally slept with him multiple times? She accidentally goes to his home and spends the night?

[lost39-]

Its al a bloody mess, I cant block her cause we share 2 children. Yes I agree I shouldn't still be feeling like this but cant shake it off- I wish I could. Being in this house we shared doesn't help- all the memories. Such  a struggle 😔

[Andrina]

You need to make a rule that all conversations are about the children and no longer about emotions, feelings, or anything else that doesn't involve the children. Only then can you begin closure and to start a new life as co-parents and nothing more. When she has time with the children, perhaps you can use that time for a new hobby--something you can be passionate about or have a lot of fun with. Redecorate the house if it helps to make it feel like your own space and a reflection of your new life. Take care.

[LaHermes]

Darcus:

 

I echo every word Andrina just said.  As well as all the good advice over the past year. You DID say you would keep any (infrequent) conversations STRICTLY to matters pertaining to your daughters and nothing more. It's only a mess if you let it be a mess. You allow her to wander into inappropriate conversations with you, that have nothing to do with your (practically adult) children. 

You know: "Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is OPTIONAL".  

How can you even believe this crazy mawkish nonsense D?  

"she says shed made a mistake, so what jf she is genuine?"

It isn't about how you should or shouldn't be feeling.  It's about the action you intend to take in this New Year 2021 which has only started.  

[Rose Mosse]

Sorry to hear this. Try separating the past from the present. Whenever I feel down or overwhelmed I learn to hit pause on what's going on around me and take a quick break. I know this isn't possible all the time with young children. Do it when you can and go back to yourself and start addressing your needs as an individual. Are you feeling good about other areas of your life? How can you improve those areas? Have a couple of things you're interested in or passionate about and keep coming back to them. They'll form a backbone while you rebuild your life without your ex. 

You will keep returning to the past if your present or future is not something you find yourself looking forwards to. Begin with small steps and you can incorporate new elements later, new hobbies, interests, people etc. 

It all starts with you and working out a life that works for you and a life worth living and something you look forward to every day. I think both of you are emotionally dependent on each other and find yourselves lapsing back towards each other because neither are growing forwards in a way that nourishes you. She may be in an unfulfilling relationship and you're longing for the past. This should change if you really do seek to find a way out of this nightmare or cycle. 

Stay true to yourself and move forwards. I agree with the previous comments on co-parenting. I think you have to start spending a lot more time addressing you though. Don't be afraid of what you are now no matter how broken and hurt. Once you recognize all that and acknowledge it, spend more time on yourself and learn to feel good again. Even though it might hurt at first to hear from her if it's about the kids, it won't completely destroy you each time she texts or calls for whatever reason. Work out better boundaries and remain firm about the topics (kids only) and keep things as civil as possible. She will need to understand that contacting you about her relationship issues is not appropriate. Get to that place by working on you. Takes time.