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Girlfriend doesn't want me hanging out with bestfriend


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My girlfriend I have been with for 3 years doesn't want me to hangout with my bestfriend and her reasoning is becasue he is a rapist.

 

He is indeed a convicted rapist and served 7 years in prison with 5 years probation. I knew him before he went in and have remained friends.ive known home like 18 years.

 

He is actually like the only friend I have left. I'm 34 and my gf is 22. My gf told me she was raped, but I'm not sure how many times or by how many people. The one rape story she told me did not sound like rape to me. Just that she didnt really want to and then did, but nothing forceful and sounded like she regretted it. I do think its ed up what happened in that situation but not sure if she just regretted it or it was rape and that's not for me to decide. I do think she has been raped tho.

 

I told my girl about his rape conviction amd she promised she'd never throw it in my face and she has literally every fight and hundreds of times. My friend and I rarely ever hang out and he has actually moved out of state. When he lived here and asked me to hangout all the time and she would never let me. And now if I get the chance to hangout I think I should be able to. I hadn't hung out with him in like 4 months and she is saying no.

 

Meanwhile she has reignited a best friendship with one of her old high school male friends and they hang out and get high all the time and have sleepovers sometimes or chill until like 6am. She also texts him every 15 minutes. I honestly dont think they are having sex or messing around. She never dated him in HS and was never interested in him in that way. I mean who really knows, bit I don't think so. I have hung out with them both and I dont think so. If I thought there was I'd leave her no question.

 

My friend and I are planning in going to an event and it is the end if the world and said her opinion of me would be lower because I'd be hanging out with a rapist. I have told her that is not all he is and hes a hard worker and provider for his family( 2 year old and 2 step children where he is the sole bread winner) would be lower cuz I am choosing him over her and it's the end of the ing world. She threw everything she could at me and it feels so controlling and hypocritical. I told her she hangs out with her drug addict friend all the time and she just kept saying at least hes not a rapist.

 

I don't know it's got me thinking and not sure what to do, but don't like feeling controlled and told who I can and cant hangout with and what to do

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34 and 22 is part of your problem, too much of an age difference. Is this friend of yours back on the straight and narrow and living a good and decent life? Do you think he's learned his lesson?

 

If your gf has indeed been raped then that is terrible, for sure, and I can see why she wouldn't want you to be around this guy. However, if he is doing well now, this is good. She does not get to tell you who you can hang out with and if she is "throwing it in your face" as much as you say, then perhaps this is not the girl for you. She is justifiably angry but she's put you in a really bad spot making you choose. I can see this not working out at all, given the circumstances.

 

Does she think you will become a rapist because your friend was once one? Does she not believe people change and redeem themselves?

 

I'd be concerned about her relationship with that guy from school.

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To be honest he has gone above and beyond what I ever thought he'd do as far as like a career. Got out of prison and started over from rock bottom amd worked his way all the way up to a good paying job. He said he'd never date a single mom and he is now married to her and is the only provider to their family.

 

BUTTT he has cheated on her and I let my gf know that. That was probably a mistake I dont know.

 

I have also cheated on my GF so I am thinking this is a reason why she thinks we will get some girls or something.

 

Your right the age difference, but we have gotten along very well, but as the years go by it seems we are growing in different ways.

 

I am concerned, but honestly just more jealous I guess of her relationship with her friend.

 

Yeah told her today in one of our arguments that a rapist is not all he is and have told her in the past that he isn't still a rapist and has paid his debt to society. But she said that is all he is and that's all he will ever be. I mean I understand to why she hates the guy cuz she's has been raped.

 

But yeah she has said go be with your rapist friend then and I'm like okayyy.

 

Hey thanks for your response😊

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I'm guessing the woman he raped still considers him a rapist.

 

So you started dating your girlfriend when she was 19 and you were 31? That's quite a gap. How did you two meet?

 

If she's opposed to your friendship then she can choose to end the relationship.

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I question your judgement in friends. Convicted rapist and serial cheat. Certainly, you can find better friends.

 

Oh, I see you're a cheat, too. Terrific!. Your gf is too young, and she deserves better than a bf like you.

 

I see she hangs out with drug addicts . Don't you two have any quality people in your life?

Edited by Hollyj
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I would also very much question your judgement hanging out with a guy like him, OP. Sorry. But then again, you also admit you have cheated in the past, so surely your girlfriend already knows you don't possess great decision-making skills or boundaries.

 

Having said that, I would also not continue the relationship if I felt as strongly as she does. I don't see how you two are going to make it work in the long-term, as you sound deeply incompatible on a number of levels and the relationship appears quite immature and on it's way to imploding anyway.

 

It might be best to go your separate ways, and for you to start working on developing friendships with more than just this one person. Why don't you have other friends, anyway?

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We met on an online dating website. Yeah I don't think the age gap is as big a deal as a lot of people make it out to be, but not disregarding it either.

 

Yes I am sure she still considers him a rapist as does the rest of the world including me.

 

But you said this:

"have told her in the past that he isn't still a rapist"

 

So you think he is or you think he isn't???

 

He is. I can't imagine being "friends" with someone who brutally attacked someone else.

 

Bottom line, if it bothers her she should end the relationship. Not force you to stop wanting to hang out with this guy because apparently you do.

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But you said this:

"have told her in the past that he isn't still a rapist"

 

So you think he is or you think he isn't???

 

He is. I can't imagine being "friends" with someone who brutally attacked someone else.

 

Bottom line, if it bothers her she should end the relationship. Not force you to stop wanting to hang out with this guy because apparently you do.

 

No he is not still lol. Of course not.

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And to reiterate I hang out with him every couple months.

She hangs out with her friend 4 times a week and daily if u take into account her driving him to work and going to the vape shop

 

I have no other friends cuz my age and life happens. Friends move away mostly and I have also been very sick for the last 9 years. Chronic dizziness, graves disease, type 1 diabetes and have just in the past couple years started to hang out and feel like it, but she squashed it and just been hanging out with her.

 

And to update I went and hung out last weekend 1 night and planning to this Sat and we fought literally all day about it and she wants me to dog him out completely. And since she is so upset about me hanging out this coming Sat, once she got of work she has ran to her bestfriend to have him come babysit her because she sometimes cuts herself. I offered to come over tonight and asked if she had plans with her boyfriend (guy bestfriend) and she said no and now their hanging out. So yeah

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This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

It sounds like both of you make poor choices in terms of friends etc.

 

I personally couldnt be friends with a convicted Rapist or you are still utterly utterly convinced he didn't do it.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are incompatible on many levels. This has devolved into a massive control and power struggle. Nothing but highly emotionally moralistic charged debates fueled by jealousy and stand offs. It has devolved to pure pettiness at this point. It would be best to end things and date women closer to your age.

 

No one will win this argument. This is a bros before..... situation for you, your heels are dug in defending him and minimizing his felony. She needs a therapist not a middle aged bf whose "only friend" is a felon. You're not this guys lawyer so stop jamming his defense down her throat. Do the right thing. End it.

He is indeed a convicted rapist and served 7 years in prison with 5 years probation. I'm 34 and my gf is 22. My gf told me she was raped
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Wow, you two are like a train wreck.

 

She's got baggage and your friend reminds her of that. Plus he's no good anyway. Find some new friends.

 

Her friend - she is dating him, and she's cheating on you. She should not be seeing him alone - only in groups or with you / double dates.

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When he lived here and asked me to hangout all the time and she would never let me. And now if I get the chance to hangout I think I should be able to. I hadn't hung out with him in like 4 months and she is saying no.

You are whipped and you enabled her to P-whip you the minute you allowed her "no" to stop you from seeing your friend. Now, that being said, I think it reflects on you who you hang out with so think about that. In the meantime, you best learn that you can say "no" to her "no" and if the two of you can't come up with some sort of compromise, then you're best to break up because you are unable to resolve ongoing problems which will only lead to resentment and drive an ever bigger wedge in your emotional connection.

 

Wow, you two are like a train wreck.

 

She's got baggage and your friend reminds her of that. Plus he's no good anyway. Find some new friends.

 

Her friend - she is dating him, and she's cheating on you. She should not be seeing him alone - only in groups or with you / double dates.

 

I agree!

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BUTTT he has cheated on her and I let my gf know that. That was probably a mistake I dont know.

 

I have also cheated on my GF so I am thinking this is a reason why she thinks we will get some girls or something.

 

I read all the above and just when I thought I knew where I stood, this just confirmed it.

I don't know how you step back from all of this.

This is just way too much to overcome, seriously.

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Wait what???

 

You said "Just that she didn't really want to and then did" If she said she didn't want to have sex and some guy did it anyways that is rape. Your words seem like you don't see rape as the horrific thing it truly is.

 

He is a convicted rapist and he will always be a convicted rapist there is no undoing that and the fact that he has cheated on his current partner means he does not value women in general. Since you have cheated as well you obviously do not value your girlfriend either.

 

You need to make new friends and your girlfriend needs to dump you and meet someone else that has the same views on rape and cheating.

 

Problem solved...

 

Lost

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Wait what???

 

You said "Just that she didn't really want to and then did" If she said she didn't want to have sex and some guy did it anyways that is rape.

It would be rape if she didn't want to do it and made it clear in words and actions that she didn't want to. If she didn't protest, try to stop him, and she said no and he went ahead anyway, then THAT would be rape. If she went along with the sex without protest, then how is anyone able to read another's mind? There is no indication that she protested or let the alleged rapist know that she didn't want to.

 

Your words seem like you don't see rape as the horrific thing it truly is.
I agree that he has his doubts about her proclaimed rape.

 

He is a convicted rapist and he will always be a convicted rapist there is no undoing that and the fact that he has cheated on his current partner means he does not value women in general. Since you have cheated as well you obviously do not value your girlfriend either.
I agree.
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There is no way we can fix this for you. It comes down to, how much you value your relationship, and what sacrifices you are willing to make for it. Obviously you don't want to sacrifice your friendship and that's your choice. It's up to you to say no not going to happen and ask her where are you two are at now? Then she can end the relationship so you both can move on with your lives.

 

As for your friend, even tho he raped someone, he did his time and hopefully got some help, and is rehabilitated. BUT good luck finding a woman that will be sympathetic to your need to keep him as a friend. Rape and sexual molestation is pretty unforgivable by women, and a lot of men.

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Both of you need a new set of high quality, honorable, high integrity friends. Get rid of the old ones.

 

As for you, this is a moral turpitude issue and I'll pipe in as saying I do indeed question your judgment in friends.

 

If you can't resolve your differences with your girlfriend, it's time to go your separate ways.

 

I agree with others regarding the age difference. You're a generation apart and it won't work. You'll age faster as she will always be quite a bit younger. I saw this in my own parents.

 

As far as rapists, molesters, thieves, liars, gaslighters, sociopaths, betrayers, deceivers, manipulators, narcissists and the whole ugly lot, you can't trust them anymore. :upset:

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My girlfriend I have been with for 3 years doesn't want me to hangout with my bestfriend and her reasoning is becasue he is a rapist.

 

He is indeed a convicted rapist and served 7 years in prison with 5 years probation. I knew him before he went in and have remained friends. I've known him like 18 years.

 

Ok. So presumably, you knew him before he was convicted... which would then mean you knew him and remained friends with him during the time that he was a rapist.

 

It's not as though you met him after he got out of prison and was rehabilitated... you knew him before, during and after... which means you have no real issue with what he did.

 

I mean yea I would feel the same way she does.... although I wouldn't try to control you, I would just end the relationship.

 

No room in my life for either rapists or rape apologists.

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