ThatwasThen Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Gulp - I guess the fear that I won't meet another woman as physically attractive and young as her. I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that. The loneliness; being back on the dating scene; going over and over the (relatively few) good memories. I'm also scared about the finality of the end, I guess. I've romanticized this relationship for a very long time. *Sighs* She's not your first rodeo. You'll find another person after you heal from your ADDICTION to her by going cold turkey withdrawl and with the help of a therapist that is sufficient in working with people who have a need to give too much in order to feel needed. Stop helping her with her legal problems...those are hers, not your problems. Your problem is getting the ballzzz to leave someone who abuses you, takes you for granted and totally disrespects you because she knows you'll just sit there and take her Sh*t. Are you actually into being emasculated and are somehow getting off on her treatment of you? Link to comment
bossanova67 Posted January 30, 2020 Author Share Posted January 30, 2020 Are you actually into being emasculated and are somehow getting off on her treatment of you? No, I don't get off on it at all. I guess I've taken it, and it was like the frog in the slowly boiling water. But that's very different from enjoying or being thrilled by it, even unconsciously. It greatly upsets me, and I'm finally coming to terms with dealing with it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 It was a little bit of an ego boost, but obviously that's not enough since I'm on this forum now. I used to tell her I love her but have stopped doing so. But you're saying you "can't" break up with her. Which translates into "I don't want to break up with her". There's something besides a fruitless "hope" she'll actually start acting like a decent human being. There is something that makes you want to stay in this relationship. She's young and hot? Your friends are jealous you're dating someone so young and hot? She makes you feel young, studly, masculine? Look, if that's what you're into there's no shame in it. But if this is what you're choosing, DELIBERATELY choosing, you really don't have the right to complain. She has shown you over and over who she is and how she thinks you deserve to be treated. There is zero evidence she regrets what she says and does or that she's remorseful and wants to "change". If you want to stay, then stay! No need to feel like you shouldn't want to stay if you really do. It's your life, not anyone else's. But be mindful that you're making a choice to stay. Side note, an ex of mine just loved it when a woman told him he was inadequate and wasn't the man he should be. He even told me he needed me to be like that, to berate and chastise him, because that's what got him off. I'm not like that at all so our relationship didn't work. He went on to find a woman who emasculated him to the point where they had role reversal during sex (I wish I didn't know that...). He was aware this is what turned him on so he sought it out. There are lots of people like that and it's a lifestyle choice no one should feel they need to apologize for or be ashamed of. This may or may not apply to you but I thought I'd bring it up. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 You are not helpless and are making an active choice to stay with someone who demoralizes you. Why are you not talking to a therapist about your issues and not this sick relationship? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 No, I don't get off on it at all. I guess I've taken it, and it was like the frog in the slowly boiling water. But that's very different from enjoying or being thrilled by it, even unconsciously. It greatly upsets me, and I'm finally coming to terms with dealing with it. What do you mean that you are "finally coming to terms with dealing with it?" Link to comment
bluecastle Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I don't know you, or your dynamic—just responding to what's here through the lens of things I've seen and observed. That out of the way, it might be worth considering that your "helping" instinct might occasionally read as patronizing, sending the message that you don't quite trust her abilities to be, you know, a person. And in turn she responds with emasculating comments. Two people going at each other's shins with stones without quite realizing it. Two people, perhaps, who believe their shins are built to be pegged with stones. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 You can break up with her you just don't want too. I think your fear of being alone is keeping you stuck here but that's no reason to stay. She doesn't respect you. YOU don't respect you. What good will come of this!? Better to be single and not be abused than stay with someone and be miserable just for company. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 Ok, you don't need to accept abuse or help or try to fix her. The best thing you can do for yourself is make an appt with a doctor MD for a complete evaluation. Be honest about your health and sexuality. Also if you drink or smoke or need to lose weight, get started addressing that. Sex therapy can help in certain instances but it can't talk away ED. You need to rule out physical causes at 52. I I had trouble performing with her. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 One thing nobody mentions that might help you leave this woman is to find another woman - start dating other women. Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I am wondering what you get out of being treated like garbage? Stop seeing yourself as a victim. as YOU are choosing to be treated like this. Have you been treated for co dependency. Yes exactly!!!! Take some good responsibility and look in the mirror....if she’s doing the same and working on herself then maybe y’all can live separate and see where it goes. If she gets better than give it another shot. Work on you and let her work on her- It’s crazy bc it sounds like my relationship but we are doing very well and we’re trying to “grow the up” So we can have a better future together[emoji39] Link to comment
gohawks292 Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I don't know you, or your dynamic—just responding to what's here through the lens of things I've seen and observed. That out of the way, it might be worth considering that your "helping" instinct might occasionally read as patronizing, sending the message that you don't quite trust her abilities to be, you know, a person. And in turn she responds with emasculating comments. Two people going at each other's shins with stones without quite realizing it. Two people, perhaps, who believe their shins are built to be pegged with stones. Yes!!! Again hitting the nail on the head!! If both your hearts are in it and both of your hearts love each other and want to work this out then you need to make away. But if it’s just to help her then leave! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 30, 2020 Share Posted January 30, 2020 I'm 90% toward breaking off bad relationship, but can't bridge last 10% Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy. Then make a better decision. Link to comment
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