A Break After Nearly 8 Years

[ThatwasThen]

I'm going to keep up with the positivity: Its really great when you "evolve" together... which is still possible here.

 

@LINS... I forgot to mention that perhaps you should go zero contact with his family and don't give them access to what you're up to at this point either. They may be relaying to him about you which of course, doesn't give him any pause to wonder what you're up to and how/what you're feeling about the (hopefully) temporary separation.

[bluecastle]

It all boils down to what he feels, and how long I’m willing to wait to find that out, but that lack of structure is torture!

 

I agree with this sentiment, but think it can be expressed differently to make it (slightly) less tortuous. You know, right now, two things you want: to be with him, and for that to come from him, not through a forced ultimatum or some such. Knowledge is security, so take some comfort in those two truths as things that are yours, not shared with him or anyone. Own them.

 

Which brings us to the business of waiting. Waiting implies standing still, being frozen in place—a perilous and paralyzing stance for us humans, since we require movement, growth, and evolution much the way plants require sunlight. Personally—and I've been in versions of your shoes—I would replace the idea of "waiting" with "keeping the door open" for him to walk through it. You could give yourself a timeline, as others advised, or you can trust that time will close the door, or not. Key is to keep doing you, living your life, reflecting on what you need and want for that life to be full and true. Romance is hardly "everything," so lives can be lived, and lived fully, without the pursuit of it and with some emotional loose ends.

 

Personal example: When my last relationship (3 years) ended I very much hoped there was more in the tank, made that clear. It was a mess, but still: that was my truth for a time. I owned it, but didn't press pause on the business of living. I traveled, reconnected with friends, explored living elsewhere, doubled down on old hobbies, pursued new ones, and allowed myself the time—something us humans rarely get!—to really take inventory of myself and get real and clear outline of what I wanted, for my own life and how I wanted the sharing of it to look and feel.

 

It was a good time. Melancholy, no doubt, but not pure torture. Though I had no contact with her or people close to her, that door was open, and then....well, what can I say? At some point it just closed, a soft click more than the thud of a slammed door. About four months, all in all. Hard days, but in the scheme of my existence not such a long spell, and worth it, for me, since "holding on" and "letting go" were ultimately dependent on myself, not another. In the annals of my own evolution, it was probably beneficial to live my life in a state of heightened emotional vulnerability for a bit. Made me a better person and partner, if not for her.

 

These are hard moments, and I feel for you. As others have said, relationships do sometimes just run their course, coming to an end as the two people change shape a bit, and no longer fit as they once did. It's particularly true of people who meet young, who are still changing shape at a faster clip. Certainly sounds like a lot of that is at play here. What he has expressed to you, about always being with someone, reliant on someone—those are the words of someone who has not yet discovered that our individual lives can be lived alongside another individual, that we can evolve in our own skin next to someone evolving in theirs. Unfortunately, that's not knowledge you can inject into him. He is free, like all of us, to feel whatever it is he feels.

 

Anyhow, hope something in there resonates. Best of luck riding these waves. They're tough ones, but you can handle them.

[catfeeder]

I agree with MC. This is quite common with High School Sweethearts too. People’s brains are developing when in high school and when they’re in their late 20s or in their 30s even, they find themselves realizing they’ve evolved.

 

Yes, or that they want to evolve. It's generally believed that adolescence ends at age 18, but it actually lasts through mid 20's. People who spend these formative years coupled up have missed a lot of freedom in their social development, and they often come to understand at some point that this has harmed them emotionally as well.

 

I'd make this less about him, and more about myself. How long do I want to evolve my life around someone who wants to go his own way? This doesn't mean that I'd love him any less--we can't change who we love. But we also can't change someone into wanting what we want.

 

I'd make this a time of learning how to move myself forward rather than one of stagnating around what he will eventually decide for himself. I'd tell him that I'll always love him, but that's exactly why I need to consider us fully broken up. If he ever decides that he wants to reconcile, he can contact me to let me know, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. But I'm not going to consider myself tethered to any outcomes, and I wish him the best.

 

From there I'd figure out all the the ways that I've stagnated in place while people my own age have advanced into their own development, and I'd pursue ways to ascend and build a fabulous life for myself solo. That's the only platform from which any relationship can thrive, whether it's with him or anyone else. I'd grow into the person I want to become, and from that higher ground, my whole perspective on relationships will change into something that I can't yet fathom.

 

Head high, and take baby steps.

[ThatwasThen]

Still going to continue to try and evoke some positivity in this thread and will say that yes, there are instances where couples who met very young are still together and going strong... Not only have the hubs and I done it but my cousin's son and his wife have been dating since they were 13 with one brief breakup. They are in their forties now with two teenage children. Same with one of the guys I once work with. They started dating in Junior High School and he just turned 50... they too had one breakup in that time.

 

I'm hoping I can add LINS to the list in my very small group of people in my personal sphere that have survived. (I'm sure there are thousands, if not millions out there that have lived the same story) Not ALL people feel they have missed a lot of freedom. Now, this Op's b/f may feel he's lost out on a lot of freedom and hence why he wanted the break but its not conclusive that he wants to explore that freedom without the OP at this point. We can give out positive vibes that they work through this and work their way back to one another to build a fabulous life TOGETHER. Time will tell. If it doesn't turn out positively? Well then, LINS we are hear to commiserate with you.

[LTNS]

To all that have sent over some support, it all officially ended tonight. He’s spent this time making some largely questionable and scary decisions and accepted that it was the life he prefers.

 

I know I’ll be ok at some point, but it’s a real shock to the system to see someone you know and love turn into someone completely different.

 

Thank you for all the advice.