Jump to content

Gay long distance relationship is getting tiring.... Your advise please!!!


Recommended Posts

I live in London and I'm in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now with a boy living in Dublin. We meet each other once in 6 weeks for a weekend and we do enjoy the time together. He is very mature and such a sweet-heart so I could see myself with him in the future. The issue is that lately, the relationship is getting more "tiring" due to financial difficulties from his side. My bf is non European hence he is studying a BSc to have his Visa renewed and stay in Ireland and also working part time at the same time. He is only working few hours in a coffee shop and really struggling paying bills, rent and uni fees. This has an impact in our relationship as I have to be the one going to Dublin more often than he comes to London because he has to work during weekends. Also, his mood is not that great lately because his employer reducing his hours in the coffee shop so he is stressed and with not so much mood for sex. He keeps saying I am looking for a new job but nothing happens. I really love the guy but I'm a bit tired of this situation. I don't know how this is going to work in the future because of the distance, financial difficulties and his visa situation as well. I'd love to have someone I could live with, go holidays together and plan the future as well.... What is your advice? What would you do in my situation?

Link to post
Share on other sites

When you love someone it's also a package deal -so you take the good with the bad. But you can feel love for someone and yet not be compatible. Did you know about his financial and work related issues when you started out? You have to figure out if your priorities here are being with him or whether the geography and financial stability take precedence for you. I did long distance with my husband for a few years but we were able to see each other every 11 days or so and finances were not an issue. We also had a solid idea from the get go that our goal was marriage. Do you have plans in mind for living in the same city or did you?

 

Also if he's not looking for work is this a new thing or was he always not highly motivated to look for work?

Link to post
Share on other sites

you say "boy" - are you dating someone who is inappropriately too young for you? That work situation seems pretty typical for someone going to college and working a part time job. And because you said he's "mature" leads me to believe that, too

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like the relationship honeymoon is over and it turns out that you are not committed enough to this relationship to make it through difficult periods. It also sounds like you don't view your "boy" as an equal. Imo, if you don't see a future with him it's best to set him free.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, yes I did know about his financial circumstances at the beginning but they were not that but because for 1 year he was just a studying English so he didn't have to pay so much Uni fees every month hence easier to survive. We have discussed in the past about living together yes. The happy scenario is me to move to Dublin live together and if everything works well we can get married. The sad scenario is to break up due to long distance and financial difficulties.

Link to post
Share on other sites
you say "boy" - are you dating someone who is inappropriately too young for you? That work situation seems pretty typical for someone going to college and working a part time job. And because you said he's "mature" leads me to believe that, too

 

Hello, sorry for the confusion. He is 27 and I am 32. He is not inappropriately too young for me. He is mature in his beliefs and attitude as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello melancholy123 yes I could move to Dublin, live together see if is working out and potentially getting married and live happily ever after.

 

It sounds like the relationship honeymoon is over and it turns out that you are not committed enough to this relationship to make it through difficult periods. It also sounds like you don't view your "boy" as an equal. Imo, if you don't see a future with him it's best to set him free.

 

Hello,

I'm committed enough to go through difficult periods indeed but for how long? I'm just a bit tired of having this LDR and being me only the one who is making 80% of the effort because the other one is unable at the moment to do so.....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello, sorry for the confusion. He is 27 and I am 32. He is not inappropriately too young for me. He is mature in his beliefs and attitude as well.

 

People don't say another adult is "mature." in that context - they say it about kids and young people. I really think that you are justifying your feelings when you say that because if he was "mature" he would be supporting himself and not working part time at a cafe. People who work part time at cafes at 27 are doing so because its their family's business and they are helping out as a side job, or they are working towards their small business or their viable career in the arts takes off (they have accolades for being a music instructor but need to build more clientele before doing it as their only job). They don't whine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unable is vastly different than won't. You need to find a local guy who is a citizen and matches your income and level of freedom. You are expecting too much from this guy.

I'm just a bit tired of having this LDR and being me only the one who is making 80% of the effort because the other one is unable at the moment to do so.....
Link to post
Share on other sites
Unable is vastly different than won't. You need to find a local guy who is a citizen and matches your income and level of freedom. You are expecting too much from this guy.

 

Sorry but I cannot restrict my feelings... I need to come back in dating and request from my potential new partners passport, proof of address and a payslip.......!

Link to post
Share on other sites

When you date, you can very quickly find out if they are citizens, have a job, are studying, where they live and many other things. Also when you date locally and within your own socioeconomic group you won't have these issues. Did he lie about his residency status or income?

Sorry but I cannot restrict my feelings... I need to come back in dating and request from my potential new partners passport, proof of address and a payslip.......!
Link to post
Share on other sites
When you date, you can very quickly find out if they are citizens, have a job, are studying, where they live and many other things. Also when you date locally and within your own socioeconomic group you won't have these issues. Did he lie about his residency status or income?

 

Not at all he did not. I knew his situation since day 1.... I have dated many people in London but they were not for me. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am going to fall in love with. But thank you for your message.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Not at all he did not. I knew his situation since day 1.... I have dated many people in London but they were not for me. Unfortunately I cannot control who I am going to fall in love with. But thank you for your message.

 

No you can't control that. You can control how you react to your attraction to someone -so you can control whether you start down the path of dating someone where you know you lack basic stuff in common, or where for example the person is not available to date/not single, etc. You chose to get attached to someone knowing long distance would be part of it. Now that it's a reality you don't want to put in the effort.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am going to go against everybody here and say while yes, true love is about taking the good with the bad, each partner has to meet each other half way in order for a relationship to be fair. It is not fair, fun, or healthy for a relationship to be about one strong/stable person and one who does not put up a similar level of effort. This early on, it's not like it is going to get better with time, unless you genuinely believe what he is going through is a temporary hardship he can get through. If you believe the latter to be true, stick with it and give him some time to work through his issues. If it seems like it is going nowhere fast, then it is going nowhere and I would reccomend moving on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am going to go against everybody here and say while yes, true love is about taking the good with the bad, each partner has to meet each other half way in order for a relationship to be fair. It is not fair, fun, or healthy for a relationship to be about one strong/stable person and one who does not put up a similar level of effort. This early on, it's not like it is going to get better with time, unless you genuinely believe what he is going through is a temporary hardship he can get through. If you believe the latter to be true, stick with it and give him some time to work through his issues. If it seems like it is going nowhere fast, then it is going nowhere and I would reccomend moving on.

 

I do want to believe that what he is going through now is temporary and financial situations change... I am going to have an honest discussion with my boyfriend though next weekend and tell him how I feel, the stress he sometimes passes me on and also the 80-20 weigh in our relationship. I'll make him aware it is not sustainable from my side to visit Dublin all the time and also tell him I won't be able to go again in the future. I need first though to set the expectations re how often we want to see each other. If the answers I'm gonna take are not the right ones then I will probably tell him I need some time for myself only. I know deep inside me I don't want to be alone again because I am afraid of not finding anyone and I hate the process of dating until you find the right one.. Looking forward to hearing back from you asap. What would you do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry but I cannot restrict my feelings... I need to come back in dating and request from my potential new partners passport, proof of address and a payslip.......!

 

No --- but if someone cannot reciprocate by visiting you as you visit them, then its clear they aren't prepared to be in the type of relationship you want or need. its clear that he barely is employed, he doesn't have the freedom to travel to be in a long distance relationship. Look for someone local to you, or find someone who travels. Someone who periodically, because they like to, travel a little. It doesn't have to anything exotic, even if they visit family because that is a sign they have a job where they could take the time off to see you - or have the ability to if they wanted. Vs someone who you could only be in a relationship with if you were to always travel and also relocate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think he is hiding money and the ways and means to see you more often?

the stress he sometimes passes me on and also the 80-20 weigh in our relationship. I'll make him aware it is not sustainable from my side to visit Dublin all the time and also tell him I won't be able to go again in the future. I will probably tell him I need some time for myself only.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think he is hiding money and the ways and means to see you more often?

 

 

No, he doesn't and he is honest to me about that. Do you think then the financial status of my partner is a reason of me breaking up with him? I understand is not ideal but I don't want to be alone and I love him... What would you do if you were in my position?

Link to post
Share on other sites
No, he doesn't and he is honest to me about that. Do you think then the financial status of my partner is a reason of me breaking up with him? I understand is not ideal but I don't want to be alone and I love him... What would you do if you were in my position?

 

Yes it is if

1) the person has a poor relationship with money (is a gambler, etc.)

 

2) Cannot participate in the relationship fully. (he can never visit you, etc.) if you lived in the same town and you had expensive tastes (steak and lobster every day) and the other person could not afford that, then you would be a snob for dumping them - you just do inexpensive things when its their turn to choose where to go on a date. But if its long distance and the other person has no possibility of visiting, whether they cannot afford to, or they are resticted due to VISA, etc, what's the point of the relationship?

 

If you want a relationship with someone who can freely visit you because they have freedom of being able to do so, then this relationship is not the one for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you move to Dublin?

 

I could move to Dublin but

1) I'm not sure if this is going to work because of his financial situation (he is sharing a room atm - how he can afford a house sahring with his partner?)

2) I don't like Dublin so much compared to London

 

What do you think? Should I discuss all these things with him and probably suggest having a break to see how we both feel about each other and how we getting on with our own lives?

Link to post
Share on other sites
What choices do you have? You can't squeeze blood out of a stone because you hate being alone and won't do anything about it.

 

Yes - this is true. I think it is king of pointless to keep being in this situation since there are many obstacles and also I;m not sure if he is the one I'd like to sacrifice many things in order to make things happen (i.e. move to Ireland, marry him etc.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...