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Hi.

Partner of 20 years called if aday and moved out last April. Im in our jointly mortgaged house with our 16 yr old daughter and she rents with our 20 yr old. Have been in daily contact since. Exchanging texts even going for drinks as we always said be good friends.

Over the past few weeks she has nog been answering me as frequent. I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone although denies it.

Hurts so much thinking of someone else making her happy and sharing good times (including sex).

I spoke with her yesterday afternoon and she was so cold. Then called me back in the evening and was normal. What is this hot and cold all about?

I have toyed with the idea of zero contact unless she contacts me 1st. I do, do most of the instigating. She is 44. Is this a mid life crisis and would be not being so forth coming attract me to her again or is it too late?

Thanks in advance

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Hi.

Partner of 20 years called if aday and moved out last April. Im in our jointly mortgaged house with our 16 yr old daughter and she rents with our 20 yr old. Have been in daily contact since. Exchanging texts even going for drinks as we always said be good friends.

Over the past few weeks she has nog been answering me as frequent. I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone although denies it.

Hurts so much thinking of someone else making her happy and sharing good times (including sex).

I spoke with her yesterday afternoon and she was so cold. Then called me back in the evening and was normal. What is this hot and cold all about?

I have toyed with the idea of zero contact unless she contacts me 1st. I do, do most of the instigating. She is 44. Is this a mid life crisis and would be not being so forth coming attract me to her again or is it too late?

Thanks in advance

You gotta shut it down except for functional contact.
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Co-parenting and trying to get her back are twp separate things. You stated she drinks too much and gets nasty when she does. How does that affect your kids? She seems lost and problematic. You stated she thinks of you "as a brother" because you neglected the relationship too long.

 

Having "a mortgage together" means nothing except you owe her money since she is not living there. Is she on the deed? If so you unfortunately have some legal/financial headaches ahead. Perhaps consult the banks and an attorney to best navigate that. You need to get her off the mortgage. Have you considered getting a roommate? After all that's all this became in the end.

 

My advice remains the same about the situation: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562282&p=7173330&viewfull=1#post7173330

Easier said than done though but if I can will it make her think twice?
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Easier said than done though but if I can will it make her think twice?
It will, unfortunately most times people have already made their decision they just don't understand the choices that they have made.

 

Luckily for you minimal contact is the only path at this point for both reconciliation and moving forward by yourself.

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It is easier said than done, but do you think being a moping, whiny ex will do anything to help your case with her?

 

If you want to get her attention. Go live a better life than you were when you were with her. Have fun, go on some dates, and seem not to care that she was in your life. Move on and become the man you were when you met. Get healthy, pump some iron and grow some muscles. Live.

 

She certainly won't come back to some sop who has been down on himself and needs to be looked after. She has spent the last 20 years raising kids and wants excitement again. Go be the man she would want to chase after.

 

Then, aboutr the time she has decided she wants to be together again, you would have likely met a woman 10 years her junior and will be enjoying life more yourself.

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It is easier said than done, but do you think being a moping, whiny ex will do anything to help your case with her?

 

If you want to get her attention. Go live a better life than you were when you were with her. Have fun, go on some dates, and seem not to care that she was in your life. Move on and become the man you were when you met. Get healthy, pump some iron and grow some muscles. Live.

 

She certainly won't come back to some sop who has been down on himself and needs to be looked after. She has spent the last 20 years raising kids and wants excitement again. Go be the man she would want to chase after.

 

Then, aboutr the time she has decided she wants to be together again, you would have likely met a woman 10 years her junior and will be enjoying life more yourself.

Amen...[emoji123][emoji1360]
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Have you been to a doctor recently for an evaluation? Could there be an issue with depression or anxiety? Why not get some expert advice and some short term therapy to help navigate through this. Make sure this lassitude is treated and doesn't persist. This is why she left in the first place.

 

Also take Keyman's advice and get on a self improvement plan including improving health, fitness and social life.

Easier said than done though but if I can will it make her think twice?
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I get it, you sit idle and your mind keeps going to "what if I had did this, or did that" etc. I agree enough time has past, now it's time for you to focus on you, your life, and healthier choices, new goals. Cutting off contact for awhile may help you steer away from those negative thoughts. And who know, maybe over time when you both self improve, and become happier people you can mutually revisit trying again.

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So basically she is out dating and having a good time while you are her safety net. She didn't ask you to be her safety net but you have volunteered.

 

Do you really think being a door mat is going to bring her back? Bugging her about her personal life?

 

Get started on the business of divorce. That means a legal separation, financial agreement and ultimately filing for divorce. Right now it isn't real and you are living in the past while she is living partly fantasy escape and future.

 

 

I agree you need to cut the contact to just parental stuff and divorce stuff and do it through email. If you want to try and get her back then she needs to miss you and you need to get back to that guy she fell in love with 20 yrs ago. Get is shape, get some new hobbies or resurrect old ones, contact old friends and get your stuff straight! Don't advertise all this, just do it and she will notice or hear through the grape vine. If she is interested she will sniff around, if not you are well on your way to building a great single life after your divorce.

 

What you are doing never works so STOP!

 

Lost

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Have been in daily contact since. Exchanging texts even going for drinks as we always said be good friends.

 

That's the trouble with thinking you can be friends. If you were really her friend, you'd be happy about her.

It's ok. A lot of us try to do it. It softens the blow, leaves the door open for reconciliation and you as you have just now learned, you end up staying attached.

 

Friendships happen with ex's. But it's not until long after each person has fully detached, moved on and had some space and time separate from each other.

 

The hurt you are feeling is because you still had romantic feelings for her. Without them, you would have been happy for her new development.

 

It's not a midlife crisis because the relationship ended last April. That's approaching an entire year. I midlife crisis is typically a decision made impulsively. It appears she's put a lot of time and thought into this.

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if you want to say you are "friends" because that is the opposite of enemies - i get that but you really should not be either. You should be civil coparents. communicate when it necessary - arranging picking up the 16 year old, medical issues, house mortgage etc, but no chitchat. In fact a lot can be done by text. Your kids should be communicating directly with you anyway - they are old enough. Also, have you considered selling the house or having her buy you out? I get it if you want the kids to stay in the house until the youngest graduates and not causing upheaval.

 

But actually - if SHE walked away from YOU, why are you not in the house with the kids instead/

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Are you paying her rent?Eventually it's in your best interest to sever this type of financial tie and shared assets. talk to your banker/attorney/accountant about this pros/cons of doing things this way.

I am in the house and s he is happy for me to stay in it and said she will.not force me to sell.But obviously when/if j do she will.have half the equity (about £15,000 each
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It's been close to a year, so it's time to start accepting that she has left for good. This means that you stop pretending to be friends, aka trying to prove to her what a good guy you are always at her beck and call. While you've been hoping that she'll see your greatness, recognize her mistake and come back, she has been using you to get over you. Bottom line is people do not value what is easily available and you've made yourself too available for far too long.

 

Time to go minimal contact and keep it strictly to about kids, do consult with attorneys about divorce and finances. Other than that, you've been given very good advice to focus on yourself and start living your life. Time for you to go cold on her and mean it. She texts you? It's not about kids? Ignore. Let her wonder for once what you are up to.

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Darkus, there's a great book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. I think you should get a copy and read it cover to cover before you initiate contact with her again. It's not a relationship book. Rather, it's a sociology book and it's amazing. It may help you find answers your partner can't give.

 

In the meantime, you should go to alturtle.com and begin reading his website. Start with "What to do when she/he leaves you". I had to read Al's site three times (I'm thick headed) before it all sank in.

 

Everything changed for me when I read the book and that website. I developed a detailed plan to become the one who got away and stopped letting my impulses control me. It worked like magic. (Yes, my ex came sniffing around again, but by then I was way out of his league and couldn't go back. I knew I'd rather be alone than have him back long before then but, afterward, I was truly happy.)

 

Here's a few ideas:

 

1. Learn something new. Maybe you study a new language or French cooking. Maybe you take a class. You'll love the feeling of accomplishment. (I took lots of classes and got a promotion at work because of it.)

2. Take up a new hobby. Learn to play an instrument or pick up a new one, digital photography, painting. You'll have to concentrate on something other than your feelings. (I learned how to play the cello.)

3. Eat right and workout every day. You'll sleep better, feel better, look better. (I had to get a whole new wardrobe.)

4. Do something immediately to change the way you look, something small, not drastic. Part your hair differently, if you normally wear t-shirts switch to button down. The small change will register subliminally with your ex.

5. If your ex still comes over to your house to see a child, re-arrange the furniture. This is a visual clue that it's your place now, not hers. And keep it clean - let her know you don't need her help, that you're capable of taking care of yourself. (I bought all new furniture. He walked in one day and said "this doesn't look like the old place anymore". I said, "it's my place now; thought I'd freshen it up.").

6. Volunteer with a non-profit organization you feel passion for - you'll meet new people with the same passion.

7. Join a team or meet-up (chess? books? softball? handball?). You'll meet new friends, have fun, and socialize.

8. Have an adventure. Get in the car and explore your own or a local town or take your 16 year old on a road trip (my son and I went to a three day music festival half way across the country and had a great time).

9. Become an expert in something that interests you - local politics, history, or architecture (maybe combined with your new digital photography skills?). You'll become more interesting.

10. Make family time with your kids - game night and dinners. They'll appreciate your interest in their lives and activities. No talk about mom or the break-up.

 

Control the only thing you can control - yourself. That means you control communication, your environment, your mind, how you socialize. You'll get to good eventually. Really good. I promise.

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Thanks autumn I will checkout the book. Good to hear it from a females point of view! All makes good sense. I think with me it's the fact that she is seeing someone else (when you know, you lmow) .

Just dont understand why she calls me every morning, I never instigate it. But then in the evenings I dont here from her.

As I said we always said we be friends and new partners would have fo accept that buf it seems this has turned out not to bd true as I'm suspecting the reason she doent call in the evening is that she is with him. Maybe paranoid I dont know.

Thanks for your advice. Just out of interest did you ever find anybody else?

Regards

Darcus

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