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Married a narc/sociopath, divorced 3 months later


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Hi all,

 

I am at a point in my life where I am reeling from what happened to me. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance still, so I do not think I fully comprehend what has happened to me yet. I met a guy 1.5 years ago on Tinder. He was perfect to me, everything about him. Everything I ever wanted. It was just after the wedding invitations went out that I noticed he would say hurtful things, and apologize but it wasn't genuine whatsoever. My unease began growing, but I thought it could be wedding jitters. I had no idea what the actual issue was but I didn't feel right. I will go into detail of everything that happened and the red flags. But for now, I just want to know if anyone has ever been through something like this. Experienced severe gaslighting, lying, and feeling like the rug was pulled from underneath you in a second.

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Sorry you went through that. It could have been worse, some people stay with a nut for many years more. Unfortunately there are crazy people out there, and some of those can hide it well. That's why I always suggest waiting two years before getting married - it's harder for people to hide the craziness that long.

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I agree that some more details would really help. Here to listen.

 

Curious: Is this the same guy you wrote about a year ago? If so, that was seven months in, and you had some pretty grave concerns about his character, how compatible you two were. So perhaps the "perfect" part was fueled by your your hopes of what the connection could be, along with fiery chemistry, more than the fabric of the actual connection?

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Hi Gary, yes he hid it really well. When i kicked him out of my house after I discovered he had been struggling with a porn addiction and DIDN'T TELL me while we were dating, he turned around a day later and told me he thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Previous to all of this I reached out to his mom and sister for support because he would say hurtful things and they opened up to me about their late husband/father who would do the same thing. I was looking for support in how to deal with this. When he found out he said I soured the wells and ruined our marriage by involving his family. His mom and sister both have a phd in psychology and he said they compared notes and said I have Borderline. While on the phone with them they were totally validating and understanding of how hard this must be for me. He must of told them lies to make them think otherwise and the smear campaign begins. Everything I say can and will be used against me. And nothing I say is credible because "I am unstable" it angers me to think how much he provoked me and gaslight me, used my existing anxiety condition against me. My past which was riddled with horrible men and the list goes on. Talk about insult to injury. Now we are in a divorce proceeding and just 3 months ago I was walking down the aisle. I don't know what to tell people. I feel bound to my house and ashamed and embarresed.

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Sorry this happened. You did the right thing by cutting your losses with this man. Once all this is behind you, you'll feel better. Some short term therapy to help navigate through all this may help.

 

Is this the same man?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556809&p=7087551&viewfull=1#post7087551

His mom and sister both have a phd in psychology and he said they compared notes and said I have Borderline. Now we are in a divorce proceeding and just 3 months ago I was walking down the aisle.
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Ok, yes you are right. I had my doubts. I did! Part of the reason why I feel so stupid. But he told me things that I believed which now I realize are all lies. I had no evidence as to why I was feeling this way. I wanted to call of the wedding, but I had no reason why. He had just started a new job and thought maybe he was just stressed out.

 

When I went through his computer and journals after he stopped having sex with me after we got married... I discovered he had a porn addiction. He had visited sites like nofap.com to break free. At first, I thought here is a concientious man that doesn't want to do this anymore. Than I was hit with the realization of why would he hide this from me when he berated me to know everything about my past.

 

In his journals I found he had these ideas for a blog - on how to gaslight, take down a company, take over the world, the list goes on and on. He told me about his ideas to blog about stuff like this but he told me it would be a protection against bad people. So good people could protect themselves. In his journal I found the title of his blog would be "i will teach you how to be evil' "Blog for the criminally insane"

I found that throughout our entire relationship he had been going through my journal, my phone, hacked in my deleted tinder account to go through my messages, my call log, my browsing history. How do I know? He took pictures and screenshots of everything in his camera roll!

 

I knew we had issues when we were dating, but I chalked it up to everyone has issues. I had no idea it was this bad. I realized he was seriously demented and kicked him out immediately and filed for divorce.

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You made a mistake - everybody does. As I said, some people stay married for ten years or more. You are smart and got out in under two years - about the time it takes for a person to show their true colors.

 

The porn addiction turns off most women, it's understandable you did not like it.

 

We also call these people who hide things actors. This sort of thing has happened to others, you are not alone. Don't get down on yourself.

 

Time is the great healer - move on with your life and the memories and pain of this will subside in time.

 

Love is not enough - you need a partner who is also romantic (no porn addiction) and sane.

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In the future you should be reacting to these behaviors, not excusing them.

 

If you have a history of dating "horrible men" then you are the common denominator. I would strongly suggest some counseling, and not dating for a long while. Your picker is really off!

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My past which was riddled with horrible men and the list goes on. .

Good for you for not staying and getting out in 3 months time. That says something about your strength and character, right?

Focus on that.

Consider this a gift. Get yourself into therapy and figure out why you attract or are attracted to toxic men. Until you break that code you will continue to attract similar partners.

This is your wake up call.

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Ok hopefully you have had all your devices checked for spyware and of course changed all your passcodes to all your accounts and devices. He and all his people must be deleted and blocked from all your messaging apps, accounts, social media and devices. Make sure you check all your accounts and your credit score. He seems paranoid and that could be a danger.

I found that throughout our entire relationship he had been going through my journal, my phone, hacked in my deleted tinder account to go through my messages, my call log, my browsing history. I realized he was seriously demented and kicked him out immediately and filed for divorce.

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Sorry about this, truly.

 

Ultimately this will boil down to a simple story, if you allow it: bad choice that led to some rough waters that led to smoother waters and a wiser head and stronger heart to make better choices. That you're in the process of divorcing, sad as it is, is a good thing. It's that wisdom asserting itself—the gut, no longer self-suppressed, taking action. Sometimes wisdom is earned through wobbles, true strength found only once we're in the swamp. Sounds like you're finding yours.

 

Along with others, I'd dedicate some time with a therapist so you can understand what attracted you to this, and where and why you went against a lot of deep instincts telling you this was not a healthy match for you. Once that is demystified, you'll be free to make different choices, to be guided by a different sort of compass.

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There have been plenty of stories of women getting beat on by their husband on their wedding night without any warning of what was to come. So don't blame yourself for anything. Psychopaths are con artists/manipulators. At least you got out early, because a lot of women do end up staying.

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Thank you all for your posts. I do not think my picker is off. These people are MASTER manipulators. The only reason why I got out so quick is because I trusted my instinct and stopped believing the lies. We got married too fast - that was my fault. He was pushing for a marriage as he knew I really wanted to have a family. Once the invites were sent out he picked a fight with me. This is what happened: I asked him for help with something for work. He replied - "what if I was dead, you'd need to learn to do things on your own" I never ask him for anything, and was floored when he said this especially when he knew I was busy wedding planning and my work fell to the wayside. Then we went to the grocery store and he was eating chocolates from the bin. I got annoyed and said just pay for them - that is stealing.. to which he replied "this marriage is going to be boring and dull" I calmly said I'll be by the car, and walked away. When we got home. He "apologized"

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then he said I don't think I want to have kids right away (which was the biggest blessing) but I was shocked! Now I realize, I wouldn't have gotten married so quickly if that was the case. He lied, lied, lied and baited me. I agree, sad situation. But what would have been sadder is knowing all of this and choosing to stay anyway. Horrible.

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I think I read in one of your posts that you made poor choices due to your deep need to have a partner. This is not good. If you do not see how you are the common denominator, you will continue choosing bad men. This is on you. You said you chose to ignore and excuse red flags, this is due to low self esteem.

 

Most people do not repeatedly choose bad people, unless they have their own issues and insecurities. Time to wake up! Get some therapy.

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then he said I don't think I want to have kids right away (which was the biggest blessing) but I was shocked! Now I realize, I wouldn't have gotten married so quickly if that was the case. He lied, lied, lied and baited me. I agree, sad situation. But what would have been sadder is knowing all of this and choosing to stay anyway. Horrible.

 

You really need to stop seeing yourself as a victim, then you will become stronger and make wiser choices.

 

I am glad you got out!

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Thank you all for your posts. I do not think my picker is off.

 

But you have previous threads about this guy and how things weren't right leading up to this.

You yourself said you had a long list of bad relationships with bad men.

 

Toxic men only choose partners they can screw with. They are predators. Whether it's conscious or not he chose you and you were attracted to him to begin with.

 

Think of it this way. In the wild animals go after the small and weak. They don't hunt down the strong, healthy and confident.

 

Good for you for leaving, I'll give you that. But I will stand behind the fact that your picker is off.

 

These people are MASTER manipulators. > with people they can manipulate.

I know because I was you once upon a time. I dated them, married them and learned the hard way.

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All true. Regarding my picker, I think it is this need to want to be in a relationship because I really want to have a family. Not in a desperate way. I just want what most human beings want. Now, I've released the idea of ever being a Mom. I am just going to focus on living life one day at a time. IF it happens it happens if not, it doesn't. I can't allow myself to be manipulated by those who pray on my needs and weakeness when I don't have any that must be met by another. I am working on sealing those cracks that let him in in the first place. I feel stronger than I ever have. I took my power and control back and that I am proud of. Now I am dealing with the aftermath which is my responsibility for the decision I made. I cannot, nor anyone cannot escape consequences. I am working to accept and have compassion with myself.

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All true. Regarding my picker, I think it is this need to want to be in a relationship because I really want to have a family. Not in a desperate way. I just want what most human beings want. Now, I've released the idea of ever being a Mom.

 

Things seem rather black and white in the aftermath. But you sound strong in spite of everything. Give yourself some time. Things will soften and you'll be just that much wiser. Your edge will be replaced with some comfortable confidence.

 

As much as I wish I hadn't experienced some of the things I did in my lifetime, I am grateful for the lessons and the person it made me today. I can't help but wonder how I'd be if things were different.

 

It's a weird concept, that we're thankful for challenges. I can only imagine that you won't ever put yourself in this type of situation again.

Take care.

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All true. Regarding my picker, I think it is this need to want to be in a relationship because I really want to have a family. Not in a desperate way. I just want what most human beings want. Now, I've released the idea of ever being a Mom. I am just going to focus on living life one day at a time. IF it happens it happens if not, it doesn't. I can't allow myself to be manipulated by those who pray on my needs and weakeness when I don't have any that must be met by another. I am working on sealing those cracks that let him in in the first place. I feel stronger than I ever have. I took my power and control back and that I am proud of. Now I am dealing with the aftermath which is my responsibility for the decision I made. I cannot, nor anyone cannot escape consequences. I am working to accept and have compassion with myself.

 

Good for you.

 

I also suggest that you stop seeing yourself as being a victim. When I dropped that label, I became stronger and wiser. I now know that I was an active participant.

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Even though I'm married to a normal, good guy, I have a lot of experience with narcissists, gaslighters, liars and sociopaths, unfortunately. They are all masters of manipulation. :upset:

 

Those types of despicable characters have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. It's far beyond human flaws and defects and irreparable.

 

You are fortunate that you divorced when you did as opposed to prolonging the marriage or even worse yet, being saddled with children! At least you're not entrapped for the long term!

 

Whenever I can sniff gaslighters, narcissists, liars and sociopaths from a mile away, I immediately avoid them for life. If, unfortunately, I cross paths with them such as relatives, in-laws, colleagues or acquaintances, I enforce extremely strong boundaries with them. My #1 rule with those types of sick personalities is to always make sure I have witnesses right next to me for my own safety's sake.

 

I've noticed dark, shady characters tend to behave better whenever witnesses abound. It's those 1:1 private interactions which are extremely risky, dicey, dangerous, damaging and harmful to yourself. When you're cornered, you have no defense. I always make sure I'm with my "bodyguards" around people who do not behave honorably because perpetrators tend to exercise restraint whenever I have my witnesses as my safety net. I've since learned what to do for my own protection and security.

 

Most of all, I truly avoid weird "off" people like the plague. Everyone is at peace as long as I don't allow certain tricky people to bother me for LIFE. I've since learned how to fiercely protect myself for my own mental survival.

 

I'm sorry your marriage was such a nasty, very bad experience for you. Your only key takeaway was a harsh learning experience and applying your newfound wisdom from this day forward. I too, am often times embittered and resentful regarding people who've tested me sorely. They've wasted my time, energy and money. I've since changed my way of thinking though. I take it has a hard lesson learned which I'll never forget. My bad memories of people cause me to navigate my life more shrewdly. I have choices as do you. It was not all in vain because you'll learn how to protect yourself in the future. Also, your radar is up, your brain is sharper and you're no longer naive. From now on, you'll be able to spot red flags in disdainful characters right away and know better just as I have. You will become more perceptive.

 

I use my street smarts.

 

No one can fool you anymore. You've since graduated from the school of hard knocks.

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Yes, graduated from the hardknocks school for sure. I realize that these people do not only come in the form of partners! They are everywhere. If I had to marry him just to divorce this psycho out of my life then it was worth it. In the future, I will be on high alert at all times. I am not going to change who i am. I am just going to work on stronger boundaries and becoming more aware, that sick people are everywhere. I can be too trusting at times, because I don't think with that kind of malice. This is how I had to learn my lesson. It just bothers me that it was on such a public platform. 100 people at my wedding. 50 or so are my people. Somehow, because they were at my wedding I feel accountable to them and explaining what happened. Obviously, I won't share the details! Any recommendation on how I can tell people it is over?

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Obviously, I won't share the details! Any recommendation on how I can tell people it is over?

 

This is the time you take care of yourself and part of that is not worrying about other peoples opinions. I wouldn't share anything unless asked. And if asked, just tell them `for personal reasons'

 

At some point when things have settled you and feel a little stronger, if you feel the need to tell your story, just be brief and don't overshare. I've seen one too many (myself included) that feel the need to. It's just unnecessary.

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