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Finally found a guy I'm interested in...


SnugglePuggle

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How is he ready for marriage and kids?

 

He doesn't have settle income and still in school.

 

He isn't ready for anything serious.

 

Said he's ready to date, but not totally ready for marriage and kids, just that he wants them. We are the same age and both feel we are on the older side of the single people and want to find that special person soon.

 

He earns a lot with Uber but it's not a stable job.

 

He might be ready, might not. Who knows.

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But you are rushing things...you've only been talking since after Christmas and already mentioned kids and marriage?

 

You want marriage etc so badly that you're desperately going with the first guy who seems okay. You need to slow down and be more reasonable.

 

30 women is A LOT of women.

 

Yes, I know. We've been talking every day and convos just turned to that which I didn't really mind anyway. I know I need to slow down, but at least I'm not rushing as bad as I did with my ex, which I'm not going into detail as I rather not think about those memories.

 

And yes it's a lot of women. I hate it. Which is why I know I must shut this down even though my heart aches.

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Said he's ready to date, but not totally ready for marriage and kids, just that he wants them. We are the same age and both feel we are on the older side of the single people and want to find that special person soon.

 

He earns a lot with Uber but it's not a stable job.

 

He might be ready, might not. Who knows.

 

You do not earn a lot with Uber. You need to find someone with a better job and a future.

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I understand you're just dipping back into dating, while also being eager to find the man of your dreams.

 

That said, I would be concerned when, right off the bat, someone leads with everything wrong with them and all the reasons they're convinced they'd make for a lousy partner. One, that's awfully heavy subject matter to dive into with someone who is, by all accounts, still a stranger. Two, it tells you a lot about who someone believes themselves to be: broken, lost, a mess. Consciously or otherwise, they are seeking for that to be validated by a romantic partner.

 

Maybe let this whole thing be a reminder not just of what you want and where you can't bend, but that getting to know someone, and knowing if they're right for you, is a process that can't be rushed and certainly can't exist solely through 2D communication. It takes weeks and weeks, months and months, during which there should not be moments of pain and confusion along these lines. When you're having these moments before even meeting? Not a good sign.

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You and him have completely different worldviews, values, life experiences, ethics and expectations. He will not be happy with you; you will not be able (or willing, nor should you even try) to change your worldview, values and expectations; in a year or five he'll understand that he will not find in you a companion he wants (no matter what he thinks now) and he'll break up with you. No matter what he thinks now, that's the future.

 

Do you really want to try to get there the hard way? Break up now. No, you will not get your marriage and children and happy life. Well, children. You may get a child from that guy, if you fancy being a single mom.

 

Find someone who is closer to you by their ethics and values.

 

If you want my advice (which you obviously don't, but I'll give it anyway, because that's just how I roll) stop trying to find marriage. You don't have life experience for that. Find someone to share friendships, sex and may be cohabitation without marriage; you'll get at least some experience in people and will lose that edge of desperation. But set the goal: no marrying your first man. Obviously, you won't follow that advice, but I felt obliged to give it.

 

Most likely you'll find some religious guy with strict morals (at least declared) and controlling streak and be happy obedient sub to him, carefully closing your eyes on his imperfections and finding solace in religion whenever you feel something off. But this guy? Not for you.

 

Holy moly. First off, we do not have completely different worldviews and all that. You can't assume he won't be happy with me either. He just has one value he messed up on, the rest he's pretty much the same with me.

 

I'm not here to find any of that stuff. That's not my values, holy cow. I want marriage and then sex and cohabitation with my husband. And I didn't marry my first man either so that's out anyway. I'm not going to marry a guy who has a controlling streak or is anyway like that, what the heck.

 

And we aren't dating yet but yes I know I need to break things off before it gets to that.

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When I was younger, I had more friends but they've all married and moved off. I have one best friend I keep up with but she's married and 3 1/2 hours away.

 

Social life I'm an introvert so that's why I've met people online more than not.

 

This is not healthy.

 

Why don't you volunteer, look into Meet ups or other things that interest you? You should have friends outside of a computer screen.

 

I am 56 years old and continue to make friends. I put myself out there. i have married and single friends, but I will not meet new people in my house.

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I understand you're just dipping back into dating, while also being eager to find the man of your dreams.

 

That said, I would be concerned when, right off the bat, someone leads with everything wrong with them and all the reasons they're convinced they'd make for a lousy partner. One, that's awfully heavy subject matter to dive into with someone who is, by all accounts, still a stranger. Two, it tells you a lot about who someone believes themselves to be: broken, lost, a mess. Consciously or otherwise, they are seeking for that to be validated by a romantic partner.

 

Maybe let this whole thing be a reminder not just of what you want and where you can't bend, but that getting to know someone, and knowing if they're right for you, is a process that can't be rushed and certainly can't exist solely through 2D communication. It takes weeks and weeks, months and months, during which there should not be moments of pain and confusion along these lines. When you're having these moments before even meeting? Not a good sign.

 

We didn't lead right off the bat with this stuff, we had been talking for a good while before this came out. But yes it is pretty quick to say that to me I know. I realize it's not a good sign anyway.

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This is not healthy.

 

Why don't you volunteer, look into Meet ups or other things that interest you? You should have friends outside of a computer screen.

 

I am 56 years old and continue to make friends. I put myself out there. i have married and single friends, but I will not meet new people in my house.

 

It's just how I am. I don't like putting myself out there like that.

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Why not get more involved with where you worship? Volunteer more. Get involved in some religious related activities, groups, outings, outreach etc. Look for work. A career you are satisfied with. Also takes some courses and classes. Host a religious study.

 

Join up for some secular as well as religious oriented things. Sitting on a dating sites trying to find the perfect match through invasive questions and dreaming about escaping your father is not working out. It's way to passive and rooted in daydreams rather than taking action to bring the right kind of man to you and take control of your life and your future.

 

You know what they say, God helps those who help themselves. Being idle in any pursuits, whether finding a man, moving out or ensuring your financial survival is not putting whatever your tenets are into action. A wish list of a rescuer, virgin, etc is not taking actions that will bring a good man to you.

I haven't dated anyone since my breakup. I know there are probably more people out there that are nonvirgins than virgins but still, growing up with a dream to marry a pure partner as myself, it hurt to find such a good guy in terms of other values and qualities had the most important one already done with.
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Why not get more involved with where you worship? Volunteer more. Get involved in some religious related activities, groups, outings, outreach etc. Look for work. A career you are satisfied with. Also takes some courses and classes. Host a religious study.

 

Join up for some secular as well as religious oriented things. Sitting on a dating sites trying to find the perfect match through invasive questions and dreaming about escaping your father is not working out. It's way to passive and rooted in daydreams rather than taking action to bring the right kind of man to you and take control of your life and your future.

 

You know what they say, God helps those who help themselves. Being idle in any pursuits, whether finding a man, moving out or ensuring your financial survival is not putting whatever your tenets are into action. A wish list of a rescuer, virgin, etc is not taking actions that will bring a good man to you.

 

I'm looking for work. I'm applying to at least a few jobs everyday if ones in my career path pop up and I've taken an online course in my career path recently as well as a refresher.

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Yet, you will talk to a complete stranger about their sex life and marriage.

 

Why don't you consider volunteering with your church or in the community?

 

What about a return to school?

 

I'm not as introverted online as I am in person.

 

Volunteering has never been much of interest but I have occasionally thought about helping my local horse rescue where the manager is one of my previous riding trainers but I'm on a restricted diet and can't do much physical activity right now.

 

And I have applied for a Master's program but time will tell if I get in or not as it's very competitive.

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30 partners? :eek: He sounds very abnormal and I agree with others, nothing but red flags. Beware. He's been around and sounds unstable. Should you get involved in a relationship with you, don't be surprised if you're "31" and counting. Don't become another notch on his belt.

 

You don't know whether he has STD or not either.

 

You have every right to be very picky and choosy in this world.

 

You need to aim higher and be with a man comparable to you, your values and stability. He's definitely NOT for you.

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So, all your friends are married with kids, you feel you are being left behind so you are racing to keep up with whatever guy that seems okay.

 

I mean, to some degree I understand it. I think there's a lot of women your age feeling the same way. You don't want to be left behind, god forbid you become an old maid, everyone else seems to be married and having their first babies, which only makes you more anxious.

 

But you are only 25. Which honestly is not old whatsoever. YOU HAVE TIME. Lots of time. At least enough time to find someone decent on ALL levels. You don't have to settle.

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So, all your friends are married with kids, you feel you are being left behind so you are racing to keep up with whatever guy that seems okay.

 

I mean, to some degree I understand it. I think there's a lot of women your age feeling the same way. You don't want to be left behind, god forbid you become an old maid, everyone else seems to be married and having their first babies, which only makes you more anxious.

 

But you are only 25. Which honestly is not old whatsoever. YOU HAVE TIME. Lots of time. At least enough time to find someone decent on ALL levels. You don't have to settle.

 

I'm almost to the age when my parents first had my brother. It feels old to me. I thought I would be the first to marry in my family but no, all my younger male cousins (range from 20-23) are married now and I hate it.

 

And I'm not even talking about getting married to him, just the concept of dating him. Not settling yet. But I know now that the best thing is to not get into a relationship with him. It just sucks, that's all.

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I haven't dated anyone since my breakup. This was the first guy I am even interested in trying though.

 

And yea, I know there are probably more people out there that are nonvirgins than virgins but still, growing up with a dream to marry a pure partner as myself, it hurt to find such a good guy in terms of other values and qualities had the most important one already done with.

 

This guy has serious unresolved issues (low self-esteem, past trauma) that are very likely to hold him back from forming a healthy relationship. He probably needs to work on himself before he can be part of a healthy partnership. It sounds like he is in no condition to love another because he doesn't love nor accept himself. Had he been in a healthy state of mind he would accept himself unconditionally and he wouldn't be apologizing to you about his past, placing you in the role of a judge that he needs to appease. In fact, he should be apprehensive of your lack of experience regarding what an "adult" relationship feels like and how sex changes relationship dynamics.

 

And now let's get back to you. Imo, the condition of one's hymen doesn't really contribute in any practical way to one's value as a partner. The lack of experience of sex of a "pure partner" is just that: lack of experience/knowledge of certain act(s). Imo, it doesn't really contribute to one's emotional capacity as a partner in any practical way. While, going through a lot of partners is a red flag in a partner for someone who is monogamous and views sex as an emotionally bonding experience (because it may denote his having issues in terms of commitment and/or a serious difference in personal values etc), total lack of sexual experience after a certain age can lead to a host of other issues. Imo, the smugness and entitlement that certain virgins derive from their perception of "purity" is in reality unfounded and can make them crappy partners i.e. that same lack of experience can actually ruin their first relationship. Life is unpredictable. One's first consummated relationship/marriage may fail due to a plethora of various factors unrelated to sex. What happens then? Why will that make them "unpure"?

 

Imo, someone who has experienced the full cycle of an "adult" relationship is actually more liable to get it right than a person embarking on it for the first time. While I don't think it's a good idea to choose someone who is at the opposite end of the spectrum than you regarding sexual experiences/ approach to sex, imo rejecting people who have had a relationship or two at your age is not particularly useful in any practical sense. Imo, two virgins have a high probability to mess up their first relationship because all that focus that they place in that lack of knowledge (of sex) ends up making them miss or overlook or unable to see the emotional dynamics/qualities that really matter in a relationship at the end of the day. While I remember how the whole virgin business felt important before crossing that threshold, my personal experience taught me that that "purity" had no practical value and in a way it was a distraction from what really counts in a partner i.e. emotional maturity, respect, trust, acceptance, communication etc.

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He's the first guy that has come along since your breakup...he doesn't have to be your only option. If you find his past too unsettling, then don't settle...take a pass on him then and move onto other opportunities....meaning the right guy that's for you.

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I think the character is the most important factor, as well as a good work ethic.

 

This focus on being "pure' says little about the individual. But, I do think this guy has been with way too many girls. You need to balance things out and look more at the big picture.

 

I think that your isolation and lack of friends is distorting your views and reality.

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Your only focus should be getting a job- sending out a few resumes a day is not sufficient. You should be working it like a full-time job. You need to become an independent woman and get of your parents home!

 

Yes, I know. But I rather not leave my home just to be in the same type of job. I want to get into my field as currently I'm just a desk receptionist, and I've applied to all that I can right now that would fit me the best. And new ones aren't popping up as often so not much I can do.

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