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Finally found a guy I'm interested in...


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After a horrible break up three weeks before my wedding, it has now been over a year and I'm starting to put myself out there. Found a guy, started talking, we have a lot in common and have both confessed to liking each other.

 

He tells me he isn't a virgin, and although that hurts as I am a virgin, I felt I liked him enough to keep things going.

 

Then he says yesterday that he's had THIRTY partners, and that he feels no Godly woman (we are religious) will want him because of that.

 

 

My heart and soul has been stunned. I even teared up a bit. Even now I still feel a part of me likes him but I'm hurt that he's been inside of thirty other girls. I can't change the past, and it's wrong of me to judge him, but Lord it's just hard to deal with, and I'm not sure what I want to do as of now. :(

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Sorry for this.

 

Personally, I would try to view this as something that often happens in dating: we get to know someone, and often along the way we learn things that get in the way of compatibility. Could be that they're in debt, or have bad manners at dinner parties. Could also be that they have a sexual history that makes us uncomfortable.

 

It's not wrong to "judge" someone as not being right for you. Better, in fact, to be honest about that than trying to overlook something you can't genuinely overlook. No one wins when you walk down that path.

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Whether you want to ignore it or not, it does say something about who he is. He's willing to get into bed with women he barely knows and have sex with them.

30, in fact.

 

Yes, some people on here will say the past is the past. But the past can play a huge part to the present. He and you are not compatible and do not hold the same values.

 

That's not going to change. Don't lower your standards out of loneliness.

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Personally, I would appreciate his honesty (the easiest thing to do is lie about how many people you've slept with) but if for you it's a dealbreaker, it is what it is. You're already judging him for things that happened before he'd even met you.

 

I think that you should look for a virgin since that's so important to you...but keep in mind that even if someone tells you he is a virgin, he could very easily be lying.

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Whether you want to ignore it or not, it does say something about who he is. He's willing to get into bed with women he barely knows and have sex with them.

30, in fact.

 

Yes, some people on here will say the past is the past. But the past can play a huge part to the present. He and you are not compatible and do not hold the same values.

 

That's not going to change. Don't lower your standards out of loneliness.

 

He's been celibate for over two years now, and wants to wait for marriage. He was raped of his virginity, and didn't deal with it well and went on hookups. He regrets it mainly, and feels he will have to beg his future wife for forgiveness, that's how much he regrets what he's done.

 

There are many people out there who have married nonvirgins, and have had happy lives together. But me growing up wanting a pure partner as myself has been a big part of my life, but at the same time, I really like him as well, so I'm torn on what to do.

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My heart and soul has been stunned. When you've reacted this strongly, it's probably something you wouldn't be able to easily sweep away. You've just begun dating after a year's break. You normally have to date a boatload of people to find someone who matches you in ALL of the main ways. People who feel desperate start to lower their standards. How about being patient for everything to match up? He's not the only man on the planet who you will find attractive and shares things you have in common. Why lower your standards for basically a mere stranger? Your hormones and/or impatience at finding a lifetime companion are getting the best of you. It's best if your brain and your heart match on important matters. They don't, in this case.

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I can only speak for myself, but I have "really liked" plenty of women who were not right for me. Went on a few dates, maybe even dated for a few weeks, but time proved there were some gaps in lifestyle and values that couldn't be bridged. I'm happy I didn't put too much weight on the "really liked" part, for both our sakes.

 

How long have you known him? A few days, a few weeks? Not long, is my point, and already your romantic foundation is built upon guilt and shame and atonement (for him) and forgoing a major value (for you). You've had one big relationship not work out. Does this seem like the kind of foundation that could work for you?

 

I would focus on that question, and answering it honestly.

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Your story sounds so similar to one I have heard in the past. The outcome? The man was lying and enjoyed all of these trysts. He said what he had to in order to get the women to be with him, but in the end it all caught up with him.

He was a liar and loved to play around with women.

 

I'm not saying this will happen. BUT if you see a red flag early on, you can ignore it and possibly face the consequences down the road or you can admit that this is a huge deal to you and it's not going to ever be okay.

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I can only speak for myself, but I have "really liked" plenty of women who were not right for me

 

Same. Sometimes you like them so much you want to ignore the differences and pretend they don't exist and fool yourself.

 

It never works, even if you really want it to.

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My heart and soul has been stunned. When you've reacted this strongly, it's probably something you wouldn't be able to easily sweep away. You've just begun dating after a year's break. You normally have to date a boatload of people to find someone who matches you in ALL of the main ways. People who feel desperate start to lower their standards. How about being patient for everything to match up? He's not the only man on the planet who you will find attractive and shares things you have in common. Why lower your standards for basically a mere stranger? Your hormones and/or impatience at finding a lifetime companion are getting the best of you. It's best if your brain and your heart match on important matters. They don't, in this case.

 

I'm at work and it's making me cry reading this, as my being feels that it's the truth, even though a part of me wants to deny it. Yes, I'm getting impatient, I want the love of my life so badly but I'm afraid of ignoring this like I did my ex (he had only been with one, but my love for him overshadowed the fact that he wasn't pure) and I don't want to go through that again. I really like this guy but Lord it hurts.

 

I feel that I should wait to break things off until this weekend. I'm going on a little trip by myself to recuporate and I'll be in a hotel room where I can cry as much as I want. I fear doing it while at home (yes, still live with parents- and yes I'm working on finding a new job to move out with) and I don't have a good relationship with them in regards to certain things (long story) especially relationships and I rather them not hear me crying and try to barge in like they always do when I don't want to talk.

 

This is gonna suck cause I don't think he'll realize what is coming, and how much it will hurt him. We aren't even dating but I know he cares for me. Ugh.

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Well, I think that you may have a difficult time finding a man who is virgin. Have you dated anyone in your church?

 

Have you met in person? Why did this convo even come up?

 

No, I haven't dated anyone in my church. We haven't met in person as we met online but were taking it slow and starting to figure out if we wanted to meet in person. This convo came up because he started talking about how he was feeling down about his life and that he had no value as a husband. I tried to reassure him that he did and that's when he went off on all his faults or traits that he thinks are bad- no real job (works for Uber currently), still in school, is heavy in weight and then said the real kicker was that he had been with 30 women.

 

That's how I found out yesterday.

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It's good you are out dating again. Although you are a virgin you may have to accept people that have been married or in relationships before.

 

I haven't dated anyone since my breakup. This was the first guy I am even interested in trying though.

 

And yea, I know there are probably more people out there that are nonvirgins than virgins but still, growing up with a dream to marry a pure partner as myself, it hurt to find such a good guy in terms of other values and qualities had the most important one already done with.

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Why are you still living with your parents? I thought you were going to move out 1.5 years ago?

 

How long has this online convo been going on? You know you do not really know this guy, as you haven't met. Where does he live?

 

How is your social life?

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Yes, I'm getting impatient, I want the love of my life so badly

 

Don't let your impatience lead you down the path of accepting a man who is not what you actually want and who does not have the same values or standards you do.

I mean...you can, but it will be loads of regret down the line.

 

You can't force things because you're impatient or lonely, at least, you shouldn't.

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No, I haven't dated anyone in my church. We haven't met in person as we met online but were taking it slow and starting to figure out if we wanted to meet in person. This convo came up because he started talking about how he was feeling down about his life and that he had no value as a husband. I tried to reassure him that he did and that's when he went off on all his faults or traits that he thinks are bad- no real job (works for Uber currently), still in school, is heavy in weight and then said the real kicker was that he had been with 30 women.

 

That's how I found out yesterday.

 

Please keep your options open and talk to other men. As single woman. Sounds like this guy isn't ready to date. I think you can do better.

 

Good luck.

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Why are you still living with your parents? I thought you were going to move out 1.5 years ago?

 

How long has this online convo been going on? You know you do not really know this guy, as you haven't met. Where does he live?

 

I was going to move out when I married my stupid ex, but that went down the drain and I got into some debt. Now that I've paid it off, I'm looking to find a better job because my current one does not support me enough to move out on my own.

 

We've been talking since a few days after Christmas, and he lives 30 minutes away from me.

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Please keep your options open and talk to other men. As single woman. Sounds like this guy isn't ready to date. I think you can do better.

 

Good luck.

 

He is ready to date, he's been talking how he wants marriage and kids even now. We both just wanted to take it slow and get to know each other a little, especially since I didn't want to rush things like I did with my ex, that's all.

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Good. You need to get out of that house.

 

It has been almost a month. I suggest you meet someone with a week of initial contact, then things don't get carried away. You really don't know this guy, only what he has shown you from a distance.

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He is ready to date, he's been talking how he wants marriage and kids even now. We both just wanted to take it slow and get to know each other a little, especially since I didn't want to rush things like I did with my ex, that's all.

 

How is he ready for marriage and kids?

 

He doesn't have settle income and still in school.

 

He isn't ready for anything serious.

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But you are rushing things...you've only been talking since after Christmas and already mentioned kids and marriage?

 

You want marriage etc so badly that you're desperately going with the first guy who seems okay. You need to slow down and be more reasonable.

 

30 women is A LOT of women.

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