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I Admit I'm Jealous, But Am I Wrong To Be?


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Hi, everyone:

 

My boyfriend (of almost six years) and I hit a rough spot a few days ago.

 

Here's the background first:

 

My boyfriend is 12 years older than me. He started working with this young woman, who I have actually met many years before they started working together. We were in a young professionals organization together. She's about three years younger than myself. I was like a mentor to her. We stayed in touch via LinkedIn and have been acquaintances ever since. I always thought she was the go-getter type, very ambitious, in a way where she makes networking a priority and forges connections with people to advance her career. She was more up front and out there, willing to form those relationships than the other folks in the group. My boyfriend didn't know that we know each other--until I brought it up as he was discussing some staff changes. Like I said, in her true spirit, she rose from the ranks of being an events assistant to covering data and research for the economists. I admit I felt a bit threatened and even jealous when my boyfriend told me they are working together. They have similar interests in that they're both fitness buffs who spend hours at the gym and are hung up on nutrition. They both are people persons and are quite charming. She's also an attractive blonde. To be honest, I wasn't all that comfortable with them working together. I was honest to my boyfriend about this from the start--putting it past him lightly--you know you guys have a lot in common, you sure you're not into her? He said no. He said some people you see as friends and nothing more. They're simply not your type.

 

I admit again that I am and have been insecure about myself. I had just returned to the city with a new job after working abroad. I put on a few pounds, but was and am determined to get back into shape. It's been a struggle. Sometimes in my mind, I think I slipped and am no longer good enough for him.

 

However, things with him have been the best they've ever been since I moved back. We've become closer. We survived long distance and were ready to see each other more often in the same city! We both felt our connection getting stronger. I noticed the remarkable difference in him. He seemed to signal that we were in it for the long haul.

 

Fast forward to now... He recently went to my hometown in Florida to run a race/marathon with friends. I was aware of this and we even FaceTimed every day of his trip. But he didn't tell me SHE would be there too. I found out on social media, after I came across some of her Instagram posts. There were pics of him celebrating their victory after the race. She was there hanging out with his friends, while I never got to be around them (since my return).

 

I don't know why, but my heart just sank after seeing this. For one, he said it was him and two other guy friends. He completely left out the fact that she was there. Yeah, I know that maybe he knew I wouldn't be at all happy if I knew, but the fact that he kept it from me hurts and also raises some suspicion (forgive a girl for having thoughts that are out there) that there's some attraction between the too, an attraction he denied. I texted him... telling him, "I know she went on that trip with you."

 

He called later that day, probably to talk and explain, but I was not ready emotionally.

 

It may seem like an innocent thing between colleagues and friends, but my mind just went wild. Two like-minded, attractive people doing something fun together with his friends. I just can't let this slide for some reason. I am so insecure on so many levels--about our relationship, about his attraction to me, about how I look, about 'competition' from other women, etc.

 

I was angry and sad and many other emotions. As much as I was trying to practice restrain and trying to keep myself from writing mean things to him, I basically went off accusing him of being attracted to her, etc. I was imagining them working out together outside the office, thinking he probably spends more time with her than me (on top of the 9 to 5). I was imagining them texting each other outside the office. Crazily, I said--she wins, I can't be her. Just go for it. I also felt that maybe this is the reason why he's been so nice to me lately. Maybe this is the reason why he's been so fixated on boosting his personal fitness program. Was it because of her? Did they really have something going on? He hasn't responded to my texts. I haven't heard from him since that attempted call. He hasn't blocked me yet though.

 

I do strongly feel that he's upset at me, that I would even question his emotions and loyalty toward me. Maybe I really don't have anything to worry about? Things were going so well with us and I have to come out of the blue with this. But then maybe he does understand my point of view too--the jealousy, the insecurity, etc.

 

Still in limbo, waiting for him to connect or start talking again. His silence and the time it's taking is maddening! Any thoughts and opinions on not being so anxious while waiting for us to decide what's next?

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But then maybe he does understand my point of view too--the jealousy, the insecurity, etc.

 

He can sympathize and understand, but that's about all he can do. Your insecurity is yours to manage. Not his.

 

You came up with this whole narrative without a tiny bit of proof. He Must like her because she's attractive, He Must like her because they have things in common, He Must like her because they work together. But you have nothing to go on other than letting your fear run the show.

 

Can it happen? Of course. But between now and the time you have any shred of evidence to go on, being insecure and challenging his integrity when he hasn't done anything to deserve it is what's really unattractive and what's really going to pull you two apart. Not his good looking coworker.

 

He's deserving of your trust until he proves otherwise.

 

Why was she there? Coincidence? Is he at this event with his coworkers? If he said that's who he went with, how is that a non truth or omission?

 

Should he have volunteered she would be there? Did he need to volunteer all the other attendees that were there? Or just this one . . and not because he has anything going on with her, but merely because she gets under your skin. That's on you to handle. Not him.

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He's not going to leave you because he met someone more attractive or has some things in common, he's gonna leave you because of your insecurity and jealousy....that's very hurtful to him, and it's going to push him out of this relationship. It's going to wear him down to the point he won't want to be around you. He's going to start doing things on his own and not tell you much of anything. I have a sense this is already starting to happen.

 

Sorry to say this but you are in no mental condition to be dating him or anyone. You are paranoid, you spend your energy on worry and mistrust with runaway negative thoughts. How can that be rewarding? or make you a happy person? Being in this relationship is making you miserable. She's not causing the issue, nor is his he....this is all you.

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It's ok for your mind to go wild -can happen to all of us. It's not ok to subject him to it - he did nothing wrong and even if you had "evidence" that he cheated the answer would not be to go on a rant/tirade like that but to approach him in a calm, centered way -as calm as possible -and stick to "the facts". Since you had no facts only irrational emotions why take it out on him? Find other outlets for irrational emotions -could be breathing exercises, cardio, chugging cold water or a hot cup of mint tea, calling a friend and talking about anything other than your irrational thoughts, journaling, whatever.

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6 years and you flipped out over a pretty woman in his office being at an event out of town?

 

unless there is something you are not telling us, this does not seem to come from an otherwise happy relationship of 6 years.

 

I think you really need to examine why you had such a reaction... i mean the world is full of pretty, accomplished, amazing women, he certainly has been around other ones, too.

 

And really, you gave him no credit that he is a man of character and integrity. attractive women do not make men into cheaters. cheaters are cheaters.

 

is your man such a Neanderthal that he cant see or know another woman without wanting to be with them sexually and romantically?

 

if its that easy for him to do something like that to you after 6 years, just dump him now.

 

Also do you realize how stupid and immature you sound jumping right to questioning him and his attraction?

 

12 years is a big age difference, particularly, based on the maturity level of the two people.

 

What state of mind and emotions are you in? Could it be chemical or a hormonal imbalance? i just wonder, are you a jealous person? have other things happened?

 

I want to understand how you could go off the rails so easily and even the way you approached all of this from the start, of knowing she was his coworker, weird.

 

Everything you said, you said, is more likely to make him hide and lie by omission, rather than be honest and share.

 

And being irrational, as someone said, is not attractive and a lame attempt to manipulate or control a man... a mature man, one with healthy self-esteem is not going to deal with that. life is too short...

 

i feel bad for you. i think you're question should be "how do I fix this mess that I created?"

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I was angry and sad and many other emotions. As much as I was trying to practice restrain and trying to keep myself from writing mean things to him, I basically went off accusing him of being attracted to her, etc. I was imagining them working out together outside the office, thinking he probably spends more time with her than me (on top of the 9 to 5). I was imagining them texting each other outside the office. Crazily, I said--she wins, I can't be her. Just go for it. I also felt that maybe this is the reason why he's been so nice to me lately. Maybe this is the reason why he's been so fixated on boosting his personal fitness program. Was it because of her? Did they really have something going on? He hasn't responded to my texts.
My oh my... you said all of that to him over text. It's no wonder he hasn't responded. You know, I'm sure, that important conversations about your relationship or anything else should be done face to face.

 

I think you should get yourself into therapy to help you with your anxiety because clearly you are filled with insecurity and angst to the point that you are doing irrational things that do nothing to help the emotional connection with one another.

 

Now, that being said, I think it was terribly wrong of him to not tell you that she would be there and to not have invited you to go along on the trip when he knew/knows how you are left to feel insecure and jealous of her. You should have waited to have the discussion about that boundary cross when you were together. Unfortunately, your general anxiety and inability to see the value in yourself has you being quite compulsive. Its that inability to see your own value that prompts me to recommend you get yourself into therapy to help you with your lack of self-worth.

 

Don't text him again. If you must reach out let it be to apologize and that you'd like to talk to him when he's ready and then fasten yours seat belt for the wait. leave it as a voicemail. It will likely be a while before he processes what you've said to him

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It sounds to me like somewhere deep down in your psyche you have a sneaking suspicion that your bf primarily choose you because of your looks and youth . You note this woman is younger than you and you talk a lot about her looks . If you truly believe that your bf is not superficial and you mean much more to him than a young hot looking woman then it shouldn’t matter one iota how good looking or young she is because you would mean so much more to him and giving you up for something g so superficial wouldn’t even be an option to him

Put it this way . If all it takes to steal him say fro

What you two have is a pretty face and good body and perhaps a good getter personality ‘ if that trumps all your shared experiences and the ‘love ‘ between you ? Then truly isn’t it better he is gone because what you would have believed you had would him would have been fake anyway.

When you choose to look at life this way . When you choose to see that he has a choose to throw away something of value ( YOU ) for something of lesser value ( appearance and youth ) then you realise you can’t lose regardless of his choice . If he stays you two have something g solid , if he leaves you never did and the door is open for you to find someone of substance .

Stop stressing , relax and appreciate the wonderful woman you are .

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You're paranoid about imagining your boyfriend having an affair with his colleague or getting too chummy with her beyond professionalism. I wouldn't worry about the fact that both of them ran a marathon together.

 

The part that would really bother me was that he conveniently omitted telling you that his female colleague will also join him for the marathon. There's something deceitful regarding information omission which is akin to lying.

 

If he were completely considerate, forthright and truthful to you, he wouldn't have anything to hide in the first place yet you discovered she was there after the fact which is sneaky.

 

Whenever I've discovered the truth after the fact whether it's friends, family, relatives, in-laws or acquaintances, my previous, complete unequivocal naivete and trust in them disappeared.

 

You were impulsive when you commanded him that she wins and he should go for it. Never allow your emotions to cloud your judgment otherwise a fight will ensue and you'll regret it because in hindsight, you'll learn you could've handled it more maturely.

 

A calm, in person discussion would've been more effective. Refrain from excessive texting or electronic messages because your confrontational tone will backfire miserably.

 

Wait for him to come around and respond to you and if he continues to ignore you, there is your answer. You're skating on thin ice.

 

Ask him to meet you in person to have a CALM discussion with you and if he refuses to cooperate, don't be surprised if he wishes to breakup with you.

 

In the future, back off and give him space. Don't inundate him with texts, emails, messages and voicemails because this is how you push people away from you. Never pester nor hound anyone.

 

In the future, tread lightly as opposed to imagining the worst in a man, becoming accusatory and engaging in conflict based upon your own instant conclusions.

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Honestly, I think he had zero obligation to inform you the coworker was going to be there for the marathon. You start putting your partner on edge accusing them of impropriety and being inappropriately attracted to coworkers, and it's not terribly surprising they'll tend to adopt the road of least resistance. So long as he knows he didn't **** her or otherwise engage inappropriately with her, where's the tort? That a pair of t1ts ever happened to be present within 20 feet of him? Not subjecting himself to your demonstrable insecurity? And were these really just "friends?" Not professional colleagues? Because I might have a grain of sympathy if it was him, Bob, and Jorge, the middle school Dream Team, and then.... *Jennifer.* It's another thing if they're representing their company or affiliates, as is very often the case in marathons.

 

Regardless, even if you wanna go down that path, a big rule of thumb in my life has been I don't give people a reason to lie to me or intentionally (potentially in this case) omit information from me. 99.9% of the time, people either lie out of malice or self-preservation. I like knowing I'd done nothing to solicit an excuse of the latter, even if as a bad excuse. And I enjoy being able to subsequently cut them out then and there at zero risk of losing a minute of sleep. If it's any crime I'd put on him, it's not dumping you as soon as you'd confronted him over a colleague with no footing to speak of. The trust is long gone. It's not worth jumping the hurdles.

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Since your boyfriend knew you were insecure about his female colleague, he could've told you that she would be at the marathon and put your fears to rest. Then most likely, you would've been rest assured that he wasn't cheating on you.

 

Since your boyfriend knew you were insecure and deliberately refrained from telling you that his female colleague would also be traveling to the marathon with him, that part doesn't set well with me IMHO.

 

Granted, he's not under any obligation to disclose his traveling arrangements with you nor reveal his female colleague's presence. However, it would've been considerate of him to come forward with this information as opposed to concealing it and your finding out later on your own which is disconcerting.

 

It sounds like both of you don't trust each other; not just your not trusting him.

 

Also, think about your 12 year age difference. This type of age gap will eventually pose some serious problems later on down the road.

 

My parents were over 10 years apart as are my cousin's and friend's marriages.

 

At first, everything is peachy because the man is young and vital FOR NOW. Then as he ages rapidly, you're still young and healthier. You'll end up tending to a sickly old man in due time and he will prove to become a miserable burden to you. You cannot compete with Father Time and Mother Nature because they will always win.

 

Between mutual distrust issues and the 12 year age difference, your relationship with him is unrealistic and wasn't meant to be.

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That's the issue... she doesn't believe she is wonderful.

 

Yes I agree totally which is why I’m asking her to sit back and think about what I wrote . Whether or not her bf realises her wholeness and the wonderful person she is , whether he chooses superficial attributes like youth and beauty over what he has with her is not the issue here . It’s all about her realising her own worth !

She clearly isn’t doing this . When she starts to ask herself why she is so worried about him. What is making her think he places so little value on her that he would choose someone he’s known for such a short time over her then she might consider what the true depth of their relationship is . But at the end of the day that’s a completely seperate issue to knowing that someone else’s assessment of your own value tells you more about them than it does about your own worth

The issue here is that she is not realising her own value but I wanted go a step further and remind her that what her bf does doesn’t affect that value

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Has he ever given you a legitimate reason not to trust him?

 

If not, think about what your accusations are telling him: that you think he is the type of man who cheats and disrespects his partner; that you think he lacks a moral compass; that you think he is not an upstanding guy.

 

I don't blame him for not responding. Your mind went wild, which happens, but the way you handled it was very poor and likely offensive to his sensibilities. Leave him be for now. He will talk to you when he's ready, and you two do need to have a big talk. You also need to do some seriously reflecting on why you feel so bad about yourself, and what you can do to change that.

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Maybe you should ask her on a date?

You have painted a wonderful picture of her , admire her etc

She sounds great!!!

 

Yet you haven’t been as complimentary about your bf? Or yourself? Why not?

 

Do you believe your bf wants to be with her and not you? What evidence do you have? If none then it’s a concoction in your mind. Right?

 

Would you have asked him not to go had you known she was going? And why? Because you don’t trust her? You don’t trust him? Or because you are insecure?

 

If you trust him then it’s irrelevant if you trust her or not.

Takes two to tango.

 

You need to take a giant step back! Don’t apologise at this point because it will be perceived as fake and likely will be fake based on replying because of opinions here.

 

He will reach out to you. But be prepared for some home truths and don’t take them too personally.

He is just going to say it as it is.

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Sorry to hear this. How did you meet? Was he with someone when you started dating? Do you or did you work together? Do you live in the same area?

 

What are your goals in life? Are they in line with this guy's? It seems the relationship itself has many challenges and difficulties. This is not only about being superficial and insecure, it's about a relationship that is and has been stalled out. This has nothing to do with the coworker.

 

Take this time apart to reflect if someone like this has any value in your future. In the meantime a few sessions with a therapist to guide you and sort out some insecurities may help.

We survived long distance and were ready to see each other more often in the same city!

 

Still in limbo, waiting for him to connect or start talking again. His silence and the time it's taking is maddening! Any thoughts and opinions on not being so anxious while waiting for us to decide what's next?

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