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Dating multiple people


LockerBunny

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Hi!

 

So I have kind of recently started the dating app thing and it is very confusing and weird I must say.

 

There's one guy who I've been on about 4 dates with and I like him we get along well but I started to feel things were moving too fast. I just got the feeling he likes me a lot already (which I know isn't a bad thing) and is only seeing me while I've been doing dates with a few people and still feeling things out, and I got really scared about leading him on and almost broke things off with him.

 

I didn't break things off however, but I talked to him that things were moving a bit fast for me. He was actually really understanding and said that that's okay he wants to move at my pace and it's not like he is expecting us to get married tomorrow or anything and doesn't have any expectations of what this should be right now. I was super relieved that he said this and asked if we could keep things not super casual but a bit more casual as Im only just starting out with this whole dating thing and I'm not used to it. I haven't had many relationships and the ones I have had I usually got to know them pretty well before making anything official or properly dating them. He seemed okay with this but I don't think he was fully sold on the "casual" thing.

 

Anyway so we decided to keep seeing eachother, but just before I left after our talk thing he kind of asked if it's okay if we date just each other. So he's happy to take things slow and keep getting know each other before getting too physical or putting labels on things, but I guess he doesn't want us to see anyone else.

 

I was a bit taken aback by this and didn't really know what to say so I said "yeah that's okay" and he said he's pretty interested in me and so he wouldn't feel like dating anyone else because he would probably just be thinking about me and wouldn't want to waste the other persons time. I think it is really nice that he said this and he is a guy that I do really like a lot, but at the same time I kind of just wanted to sort of do the whole dating thing like give myself the best chance of finding the right guy by maybe dating a few different people and seeing how I go and seeing what connections I form. Like it really does suck that you inevitably have to hurt people who may really like you and who you form a bond with, but I guess at the end of the day it is about finding what's best for yourself.

 

I think for this guy he already likes me so much and he wasn't expecting to, and I guess he doesn't see the point in dating anyone else anymore. I get that, but I am starting to feel kind of trapped already.. we've only been on 4 dates at the end of the day and while I do like him I wasn't ready to be exclusive with someone so fast. I feel like if I say I want to date other people as well he maybe won't understand or he will feel hurt.. like he's putting all his eggs in my basket and I'm sharing mine around.

 

Anyway I'm not sure what to do or say right now. Obviously I want to be honest with him either way I don't want to say I'm okay with being exclusive but then see other people beind his back. I'm wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing by wanting to see other people and if I should see how i go dating just him? But I just feel like I'm not ready for that at all yet I only just started this dating thing and I just really wanted to see if I can find what I'm looking for maybe with him or maybe with someone else but yeah i don't know if that's the right thing to do. Please help!

 

21st century life is weird!

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It's reasons like this why I myself date multiple women at once, until I find "the one", and it has to be a mutual feeling. If I myself feel like I want to bring it to something serious, and she doesn't want that in return, then I'm just going to keep my options open and see other people. If she wants to sleep around with me, so be it; at least I can add that to my scoreboard. If I don't feel it to be a serious relationship kind of thing, I'm going to keep it casual. I'm not going to waste my time focusing on just one women when I know in the end I'm just going to get hurt. Women these days have no clue what they want in terms of relationships, so now I'm just playing the field. My advice to you is slow things down with him if you feel that your end game is not a serious relationship, when his end game is. You both clearly have two totally different intentions.

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You want to date multiple people at once. He is a person who wants to date one person at a time. Imo, you need to explain to him that you don't want to be exclusive until you get to know each other more. If he is not ok with that, then you two are not on the same page and you need to let him go. It's that simple.

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Part of being an adult is being honest to people without the head games or lying or being sneaky. That's what kids do, not a grown woman.

 

Tell him the truth, that you aren't ready for an exclusive relationship right now and you do want to date not only him but others.

There's no reason to hide it.

 

That's part of dating, disappointment. And although I know you don't want to hurt him, he's a grown man and you're not the only one on the dating sites.

He will either accept that you want to see other people too, or he won't.

Either way, it's early on so it shouldn't be too tough on him.

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He wants something more and if you do not, then you need to tell him and not string him along as a maybe. Relationships are about growing something with someone else into something special. And if you do not feel there could be a something special with him, then you need to toss him back.

 

If you want to play the field, then you have to be honest. You are not ready for an exlusive relationship and that's okay.

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I'm wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing by wanting to see other people and if I should see how i go dating just him? But I just feel like I'm not ready for that at all yet I only just started this dating thing and I just really wanted to see if I can find what I'm looking for maybe with him or maybe with someone else but yeah i don't know if that's the right thing to do.

 

I had this same conflict in my dating life... I guess it really might be the dating apps. Before they were around, I don't remember this being such an issue. But once I started using them, I felt pressure to be 100% transparent, even though that wasn't necessarily the case with any of my relationships that occurred before online dating.

 

I was never a cheater, but prior to online dating, I didn't commit very quickly and my privacy was respected by the guys I dated (otherwise, I wouldn't be dating them). And that's not to say I was sleeping around, either. I just moved at a slow pace and explored my options.

 

I remember the first 'transparency' conflict I had through online dating was where I met two guys that I liked. Things started to take off with Guy 1, so I stopped seeing Guy 2. But I still took his phone calls. After a couple months, things wrapped up with Guy 1 and after the appropriate amount of reset-time, I started to date Guy 2 in earnest.

 

But I felt guilty that I had been seeing Guy 1 for part of the time that I had been talking to Guy 2. I wondered if I should "confess" to Guy 2. I talked to my mom about it and she said, "No way." She felt that at this early stage, we didn't 'owe' each other any explanations. We didn't even know if we would be a good fit in the long term (we weren't).

 

I still felt conflicted about it, but I think she was right. Before online dating was around, I don't think I would have thought of it so much. But something about putting a label on the process, signing in, setting up a profile, and searching other profiles puts pressure on the whole thing.

 

I think with online dating, communication is key--to an extent. You've shown each other the respect of being up front with your respective relationship goals. But you have to think long-term and short-term.

 

At this early stage, does it make sense to be pressured into monogamy by his desired outcome? Not really.

 

Would you be wrong to continue dating around? I don't think so (but it would be bad form to divulge details of your dating life to him).

 

I think that if things start heating up with another guy, you should stop seeing this guy. I think that's respectful enough of his relationship goals.

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He may have learned through experience that asking to be exclusive is often a prerequisite to sex. The ones who come on this strong have been around the block.

 

After 4 dates he can't feel that much because he only knows you a matter of hours. This is very simple to resolve. Be honest with him that you do are not ready to be exclusive. Set your own pace.

I think for this guy he already likes me so much and he wasn't expecting to, and I guess he doesn't see the point in dating anyone else anymore.

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At this early stage, does it make sense to be pressured into monogamy by his desired outcome? Not really.

 

Would you be wrong to continue dating around? I don't think so (but it would be bad form to divulge details of your dating life to him).

 

I think that if things start heating up with another guy, you should stop seeing this guy. I think that's respectful enough of his relationship goals.

 

The problem is that she has already agreed to exclusivity, otherwise, I don't think there would be an issue with continuing to date him while dating other people. So, either remove the exclusivity or let him go.

 

I agree, being pressured into exclusivity is not the best option, but if you look at statistics, you can see where it would be in a man's interest to secure exclusivity.

 

If an apparent 80% of women are going for the top 20% of men, (not my statistics) but getting a date for many guys on the apps is more difficult, and then going on a series of dates with the same girl is likely rarer, they want to hold on to that girl.

With many girls, on average, getting more opportunities for dates, getting a girl to keep going on dates is more difficult for a guy. You can't fault him for trying.

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I think regardless of whether people prefer to date only one person at a time, choosing only one person after only four dates is a bit fast. How long have you been talking to him and how often do you talk to him? I probably wouldn't be exclusive for about 1-2 months of dating. I think it takes long to get to know someone and after four dates you really just don't know enough about the person to know if it's going to be a relationship. If he asked you after more than a month then maybe it would make more sense.

 

I know some people want to focus on only one person though. Like, if they got more than one date with a person then they don't reply or organise dates with other people. I suppose it's a personal choice. I'm not sure if maybe you could talk to him and say that you do want to see him more, but could you have the exclusivity talk in a few weeks' time? If he doesn't agree to that then I don't think you should pressure yourself to see only him. Ultimately that's not what you actually want.

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How many weeks have you been dating him?

 

Why waste time dating a guy you are not really into? After about four weeks when you find the one, you'll be halfway in love.

 

Circular dating is fine, but really only works for the first couple weeks or so. It sounds like you think of him as a friend.

 

Why not wait to date ongoing until you find someone you really like.

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Get rid of him. If you tell him that you are not going to be exclusive, he will be hurt because of your earlier stance. In addition, he will be jealous of others you might be seeing.

 

Jumping this early to exclusivity spells a possessive person. His being nice to you is very frequently used as a tool to control others.

 

Enough said!

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I dated as many men as I could handle -but had sex with none of them -until I found someone I wanted to be exclusive with who also wanted to be exclusive with me. Because marriage and family was my goal and especially in my 30s I wasn't going to put all my sparse eggs in one basket too soon and forego opportunities to meet and date others. I did not talk about other men I was dating, did not ask him about who he was dating and if he asked me what I was doing on nights we didn't have plans I'd be vague "going out with a friend" or whatever - it wasn't his business. I did not believe in having casual sex but yes we kissed, etc etc if that was part of the dating. Typically a man who was interested in being serious with me brought up exclusively within the first 4-6 weeks of dating. I stopped dating someone after 4 dates if I was still on the fence about our clicking/chemistry/compatibility. I gave it 4 dates - but if I was really way more on the side of "nope not happening" then it was more like either the first meet and/or maybe one or two more times tops.

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I get you are new at this and in the moment felt put on the spot. But you just got done telling the guy you wanted to take it slow and casual, yet he countered back with exclusivity. He clearly either didn't hear you or wasn't confident to handle the terms.

All in all, not a good start.

 

Talk to him. Share with him what you shared with us. If you like him and want to continue to see him, say so. But rescind the promise of exclusivity. It totally defeated the purpose of telling him you wanted to take it slow. When you approached him with the subject, you were wanted to relieve the pressure. In the end with agreeing to date only him, you feel even more pressured.

 

Be true to yourself and to him. It's the only way.

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The problem is that she has already agreed to exclusivity, otherwise, I don't think there would be an issue with continuing to date him while dating other people. So, either remove the exclusivity or let him go.

 

Oh, I missed that part. It was early when I read it, lol!

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You want to date multiple people at once. He is a person who wants to date one person at a time. Imo, you need to explain to him that you don't want to be exclusive until you get to know each other more. If he is not ok with that, then you two are not on the same page and you need to let him go. It's that simple.

 

As a man who doesn’t multi-date I would appreciate the honesty. We would part as friends and if you circled back later and I was still single I would absolutely be willing to take another look and talk about dating you at that time.

 

*edit: any well-adjusted person understands about getting caught off guard with a question and giving a spontaneous answer, but possibly seeing things differently after having a chance to reflect. Nothing to feel bad about and if he doesn’t appreciate you being direct and authentic with him he probably isn’t worth any more time anyway?

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Just be honest... like someone said, it's part of being an adult. Being honest with yourself and being honest with others.

 

I myself been on both ends. I multi-dated in order to "find the one" and I've asked a man I was dating if we can just exclusively date each other (in which he declined because I think he was scared I was liking him more than he liked me). All I know is that when I was honest with the other person, it was easier to be... me.

 

Dating should be fun and it should be about finding out what you want and what you like and what you can do to be a better mate/better partner. But this has to start by being 100% honest.

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Hi thank you so much for the responses I really appreciate it! Sorry for responding so late I was on a trip and just got back.

 

I'm pretty sure most of you said I should be honest with him about how I'm feeling and that I should tell him I'm not ready to be exclusive. I definitely think that's the right thing to do so I'm happy you all said that. It definitely wouldn't feel right to tell him date him exclusively when I'm not ready for it... I think it would more likely ruin whatever relationship we do have as it would just feel like a lot of pressure and it would probably just feel off.

 

I think the biggest problem with the situation is that he's very inexperienced with dating. I think he's only ever dated one girl and it didn't last long. So maybe he's ready to fall in love fast and just gets all these feelings straight away (like I'm sure a lot of us did when we first started dating) while I'm more cautious as I've been hurt before and I've dated people before who weren't quite the right fit. It's kind of why I'm scared of telling him how I feel as well because I know it will hurt him a lot more than someone who has more experience with dating and relationships.

 

Anyway I think it is the right thing to tell him how I feel so I will the next time I see him. We haven't talked much this week as I've been away but i'll be seeing him probably at the end of the week. Hopefully he will understand, but if not maybe he's just not the right guy for me.

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It’s sounds like you both might be coming from different places. Are you newly single? It’s ok if you aren’t sure what you want right now.

 

He may be coming from a place where he has been dating for a while, found someone he genuinely likes, and doesn’t care to date anyone else.

 

If I were you, I would just be honest. Tell him you were a little caught off guard, would like to continue exploring things, but just aren’t sure what you want yet. It’s not a unilateral decision and he can choose to walk away.

 

Typically, I wouldn’t have that sort of label conversation for at least a month, probably 8-12 dates or however long that takes. That being said, after 3-4 dates, if you aren’t excited to see the person anymore, it’s best just to walk away. Usually, after 3-4 meh dates, you probably still want to see others because they haven’t got your attention, so why bother seeing them again anyway.

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