Guy Stop Texting After 2 Great Dates

[Lambert]

Happy birthday!

 

I agree with others- see what happens and decide then.

 

I know how feel, thinking maybe you missed out on someone great. but maybe you dodged a flake that doesn't know what he wants.

 

it took me a long time to realize:

1. no answer is an answer.

2. guys are simple. we all are... when intetested it's clear. (game playing is not interested)

3. rejection doesn't have to sting. we can choose to look at it from a more abundant point of view- no matter how great someone seems, there are better ones out there.

4. we desrve someone that thinks we're great and will cause to stop looking....

 

have a great time on your birthday! who knows! happiness attracts... maybe there will be some cute guys!

 

Stay open! lightening could strike!

[DaisyMayPorter]

Dating is not for the faint of heart.

 

No it’s not

[DaisyMayPorter]

Happy birthday!

 

I agree with others- see what happens and decide then.

 

I know how feel, thinking maybe you missed out on someone great. but maybe you dodged a flake that doesn't know what he wants.

 

it took me a long time to realize:

1. no answer is an answer.

2. guys are simple. we all are... when intetested it's clear. (game playing is not interested)

3. rejection doesn't have to sting. we can choose to look at it from a more abundant point of view- no matter how great someone seems, there are better ones out there.

4. we desrve someone that thinks we're great and will cause to stop looking....

 

have a great time on your birthday! who knows! happiness attracts... maybe there will be some cute guys!

 

Stay open! lightening could strike!

 

I agree with you Lambert and thank you for your point of view! He mentioned how it’s taken him a long time to get back into dating, and I think he might be hesitant to get into a relationship, and that’s fine. And maybe I did dodge a bullet. He does seem to have a lot going on with his kids and everything so I won’t take anything personally. I read somewhere that when you are ghosted, more often than not, it has nothing to do with you but rather with the other person.

 

I was watching a video of this dating coach on YouTube recently who said that guys should be auditioning for us women, lol, and if you find yourself tap dancing for someone, get out of the situation right now. The right guy will never make you wonder. :-)

[DancingFool]

Sounds to me like you got caught up a bit in too much too soon too early on.

 

Guy telling you that your a so normal on your first date is hardly a compliment, it's a bit of a red flag about him actually. The over the top bombarding you with texting all day, etc, etc, etc - again bit of a red flag. Ditto for the instant relationshippy behavior like texting you good morning/good night. You aren't even dating yet.

 

Basically, this sort of avalanche of intense attention should raise some caution flags in your mind and make you slow down a bit. First of all it's usually indicative of unhealthy burn hot fast/burn out fast dating patterns. Second, even if genuine excitement/exuberance, it's not the kind of behavior that can be realistically sustained and when it isn't sustained it leaves you feeling bummed out. It's addictive and went straight to your head. Beware of that because lots of creeps use this approach. Not saying he is one, just that you need to slow your roll and be more aware that lots of fast attention is something you need to pump the brakes on instead of drinking it all up.

 

So when you slow down and back away, all you have is some guy you don't know. You have no idea if he is good or not, nice or not, sane or not, that you had a couple of dates with. The dates seemed nice, but that's all. You don't actually know him, you don't know his life, you can't even gauge if he is telling the truth about health issues or lying to you. After two dates, you really have nothing so far. So, sit back, keep talking going out with others, if this one surfaces and turns out he was sick, you can proceed. If he disappears, oh well. All part of dating.

 

For your own sanity, be a little less thirsty for attention and you'll find dating much easier as a result. Easier to cut through bs at any rate.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Sounds to me like you got caught up a bit in too much too soon too early on.

 

Guy telling you that your a so normal on your first date is hardly a compliment, it's a bit of a red flag about him actually. The over the top bombarding you with texting all day, etc, etc, etc - again bit of a red flag. Ditto for the instant relationshippy behavior like texting you good morning/good night. You aren't even dating yet.

 

Basically, this sort of avalanche of intense attention should raise some caution flags in your mind and make you slow down a bit. First of all it's usually indicative of unhealthy burn hot fast/burn out fast dating patterns. Second, even if genuine excitement/exuberance, it's not the kind of behavior that can be realistically sustained and when it isn't sustained it leaves you feeling bummed out. It's addictive and went straight to your head. Beware of that because lots of creeps use this approach. Not saying he is one, just that you need to slow your roll and be more aware that lots of fast attention is something you need to pump the brakes on instead of drinking it all up.

 

So when you slow down and back away, all you have is some guy you don't know. You have no idea if he is good or not, nice or not, sane or not, that you had a couple of dates with. The dates seemed nice, but that's all. You don't actually know him, you don't know his life, you can't even gauge if he is telling the truth about health issues or lying to you. After two dates, you really have nothing so far. So, sit back, keep talking going out with others, if this one surfaces and turns out he was sick, you can proceed. If he disappears, oh well. All part of dating.

 

For your own sanity, be a little less thirsty for attention and you'll find dating much easier as a result. Easier to cut through bs at any rate.

 

I’m not thirsty for attention, and did find it a bit odd that he was texting so much so soon. I’ve had this happen with guys before and usually tell them to slow down or just block them if they get creepy or are texting way too much for my liking. It’s happened many times with online dating, they get a little too relationshipy and we haven’t even met yet!! I call it a text - relationship— they text and text and don’t ask me out, so I then end up blocking them if no date is made after a few days. In this case, we met, and he was texting me after the first meeting— he wasn’t creepy, he was funny, normal (as far as I know), and even though it was more texting then I normally like, I just went with it, but didn’t text back every single time. For example he told me he was going in to the gym without me asking or wondering, and I made fun of him for telling me that... he got my joke and I think he understood he doesn’t need/shouldn’t be texting so much.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Dancing Fool — Why is telling me I’m normal a red flag? I just figured he’s met a lot of weirdos...

[DaisyMayPorter]

We met up early after messaging on the dating site — I decided this time with online dating, I’m going to try to meet people after a few dates so we’re not messaging forever. :-)

[abitbroken]

I would not assume he is not interested. Assume he is sick. Date others and see if he circles back in a week or so. I did not feel attactive with a swollen face after dental work

 

BTW, when a guy asks what are you up to this weekend, its not a "conversation starter" its him fishing to see if you are available for a date. A busy signal on the weekend sometimes mean someone is multidating.

 

Honestly, you may have come across as not interested because you didn't counteroffer him. you didn't say "i have plans during the evening, but not until 8...my coworkers are taking someone that is leaving out." to give him an opening. He may have suggested an afternoon outing or coffee after your plans. Or mentioned that you get off early on tuesdays.

 

When i was first dating my guy he had to work a 12 on saturday, and had a family get together on sunday, but that petered out by 8, so he made tentative plans for a quick date (dessert at a really cool old fashioned diner with the metal sides that is known for desserts.)

[abitbroken]

We met up early after messaging on the dating site — I decided this time with online dating, I’m going to try to meet people after a few dates so we’re not messaging forever. :-)

 

Good idea. A "predate" as far as a daytime lunch or day or evening coffee (not "Drinks" at the bar)

[DancingFool]

Dancing Fool — Why is telling me I’m normal a red flag? I just figured he’s met a lot of weirdos...

 

Exactly what you just said. Someone who goes out with a lot of weirdos either has a broken picker or tends to be drawn to drama or usually both. It's not a red flag in the sense of "omg run away" it's more of a pay careful attention to his personality. Usually like attracts like and people who are drawn to drama tend to be damaged themselves. Yes, they may like the idea of normal....buuuut they usually either bring drama to the relationship or seek out drama later on.

 

If he's gone out with a lot of wackos, the common denominator is him. Of course, everyone has their fair share of crazy dates from OLD, but those are usually the funny exceptions and not the rule and certainly not the majority of your dates. Majority of the population are sane, normal, mundane people and expecting your date to be such is the norm, not something that should surprise a person or even be worth commenting on. So if being normal elicits a comment, that should raise an eyebrow for you in terms of why he thinks normal is rare. It isn't.

[smackie9]

I say screw him have a good time tonight, and just maybe you will meet someone awesome on the dance floor!

[Batya33]

I agree with dancing fool that you read way too much into and speculate like a therapist would about why he is not asking you out again. I agree with her approach and abitbroken too. Reminds me. In 1993 I was in my 20s and met a guy around my age at a party. He told me he'd broken his engagement to a woman he'd dated for years when his sister told him that at the bridal shower she discovered that the bride to be had lied about her age. He ended it and my sense was she was a handful otherwise. On our second date -after an amazing first date where I gave him half a dozen of my then famous homemade chocolate chip cookies and said "because I'm not easy" to his inquiry as to why not a full dozen - he stared at me and said "you're so..... normal!!". He never called again.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I say screw him have a good time tonight, and just maybe you will meet someone awesome on the dance floor!

 

I love the place we are going to tonight, we always meet guys there! And I'd much rather meet guys in person! :-)

[Lambert]

I agree with you Lambert and thank you for your point of view! He mentioned how it’s taken him a long time to get back into dating, and I think he might be hesitant to get into a relationship, and that’s fine. And maybe I did dodge a bullet. He does seem to have a lot going on with his kids and everything so I won’t take anything personally. I read somewhere that when you are ghosted, more often than not, it has nothing to do with you but rather with the other person.

 

I was watching a video of this dating coach on YouTube recently who said that guys should be auditioning for us women, lol, and if you find yourself tap dancing for someone, get out of the situation right now. The right guy will never make you wonder. :-)

So true! things like being on eggshells only get worse.

 

And I agree, too, with your you tube friend [emoji2] Early on, it's definitely not you. he could not possibly know you well enough to "reject" you. early on, it's all internal, knowing what your looking for, what your ready for....etc.

 

that's why online dating is so much harder than we think it should be...

 

There is no way to know what the person is really looking for and come on, it's not like you'd really admit it to a stranger. sometimes we aren't looking but we find someone worth chucking all our sense for and try anyway.

 

sometimes we are really looking but not for the person that showed up for the date. (speaking hypothetically)

 

it's poker baby, everyone just playing the hand their dealt.

 

he still could call you... you still could meet someone better. that's what you have to tell yourself everytime... this person seems cool, maybe there's someone better.

 

not that you are always searching... but when you meet one that makes plans at the end of the date AND FOLLOWS THRU! (that's a big and!) and you find yourself on date after date, you lighten up on meeting new guys.

 

if a guy is not locking it down for dates, he's telling you, he is not looking to be in a relationship because he knows you are getting asked out by other guys and he is ok with that.

 

can that change? yes. but not usually when you sit around waiting.

 

it's the same for women. men on here ask why the woman isn't ignoring other guys for him... she might, she might not. same thing.

 

you just dont want to be the lady in waiting! you are queen! And the queen is busy with her own.. kingdom? hahaha!

 

You showed interest and now it's on him.... no shame just keeping your options open.

[Lambert]

I agree with dancing fool that you read way too much into and speculate like a therapist would about why he is not asking you out again. I agree with her approach and abitbroken too. Reminds me. In 1993 I was in my 20s and met a guy around my age at a party. He told me he'd broken his engagement to a woman he'd dated for years when his sister told him that at the bridal shower she discovered that the bride to be had lied about her age. He ended it and my sense was she was a handful otherwise. On our second date -after an amazing first date where I gave him half a dozen of my then famous homemade chocolate chip cookies and said "because I'm not easy" to his inquiry as to why not a full dozen - he stared at me and said "you're so..... normal!!". He never called again.

oh Batya![emoji1787][emoji8]

[DaisyMayPorter]

I would not assume he is not interested. Assume he is sick. Date others and see if he circles back in a week or so. I did not feel attactive with a swollen face after dental work

 

BTW, when a guy asks what are you up to this weekend, its not a "conversation starter" its him fishing to see if you are available for a date. A busy signal on the weekend sometimes mean someone is multidating.

 

Honestly, you may have come across as not interested because you didn't counteroffer him. you didn't say "i have plans during the evening, but not until 8...my coworkers are taking someone that is leaving out." to give him an opening. He may have suggested an afternoon outing or coffee after your plans. Or mentioned that you get off early on tuesdays.

 

When i was first dating my guy he had to work a 12 on saturday, and had a family get together on sunday, but that petered out by 8, so he made tentative plans for a quick date (dessert at a really cool old fashioned diner with the metal sides that is known for desserts.)

 

No, I did counteroffer. We were talking about meeting up on Thursday, but he said it might be too late because he had to get up really early on Friday for work. I told him I could meet on Friday after meeting up with my old co-worker, in case Thursday didn't work for him, but he really wanted to meet on Thursday, so we met then. :-)

 

Thank you for your advice!

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy your night out. There were 2 great dates so there was interest there. Just wait it out.

No, I did counteroffer. We were talking about meeting up on Thursday, but he said it might be too late because he had to get up really early on Friday for work. I told him I could meet on Friday after meeting up with my old co-worker, in case Thursday didn't work for him, but he really wanted to meet on Thursday, so we met then. :-)

[DaisyMayPorter]

Exactly what you just said. Someone who goes out with a lot of weirdos either has a broken picker or tends to be drawn to drama or usually both. It's not a red flag in the sense of "omg run away" it's more of a pay careful attention to his personality. Usually like attracts like and people who are drawn to drama tend to be damaged themselves. Yes, they may like the idea of normal....buuuut they usually either bring drama to the relationship or seek out drama later on.

 

If he's gone out with a lot of wackos, the common denominator is him. Of course, everyone has their fair share of crazy dates from OLD, but those are usually the funny exceptions and not the rule and certainly not the majority of your dates. Majority of the population are sane, normal, mundane people and expecting your date to be such is the norm, not something that should surprise a person or even be worth commenting on. So if being normal elicits a comment, that should raise an eyebrow for you in terms of why he thinks normal is rare. It isn't.

 

I agree - most people I know or associate with are normal. The people who aren't normal, aren't my friends and I don't associate with them. I hate drama.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Enjoy your night out. There were 2 great dates so there was interest there. Just wait it out.

 

Thank you Wiseman!

[abitbroken]

No, I did counteroffer. We were talking about meeting up on Thursday, but he said it might be too late because he had to get up really early on Friday for work. I told him I could meet on Friday after meeting up with my old co-worker, in case Thursday didn't work for him, but he really wanted to meet on Thursday, so we met then. :-)

 

Thank you for your advice!

 

Okay i am confused. The date you went on was the counteroffer then..... I would just let him be. I thought you mentioned you were busy that weekend ON the Thursday date..

[dmveep]

I had a great first date with a guy a week and a half ago. Someone normal and nice, very funny. We had great chemistry. He kept saying how nice and normal I was. (We met on online dating) He walked me to my car, gave me a big hug and peck on the lips. That night he texted me saying how much fun he had and he didn’t want to leave. The next day he was texting me all day, and continued to texted me all week, good morning etc, making jokes, it was nice. He initiated every time and I followed.

 

We went out again last Thursday. We had a lot of fun, had drinks and apps. He texted me the next morning and continued to text me all day Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday, I heard nothing. It was fine because I had plans all weekend, and he knew that, but I just noticed all of a sudden the communication slowed down. Not a big deal.

 

Monday I texted “how was your weekend” and we went back and forth a couple times, he said he was working Saturday then came down with the stomach bug. But there was no charming jokes or flirting, probably cause he was sick.

 

Then I texted yesterday a quick “I hope you are feeling better”, no need for an answer or anything, just being nice. He texted back “little bit, I had a root canal yesterday and I’m really achy.” I texted back a quick joke and haven’t heard back. I’m afraid he’s not interested anymore, which is strange because he’s been acting like he was interested all last week. I know I should give him the benefit of the doubt but I just thought maybe he was making up excuses. I decided not to get in touch again.

 

Do guys normally change their tune so suddenly? Am I making too much of it? I guess I worry because I had a bad experience recently and I finally want something good to happen in my love life. And he seemed promising and there’s so many weirdos out there. And it’s my birthday tomorrow and I wish I had a nice guy to take me out or wish me happy birthday. Maybe I’m just feeling bad for myself!

 

Unfortunately, something similar just happened to me and this has happened several times before. Most of the time people just have a sudden change in tune. Dating at its early stage is so fickle that almost anything can trigger a change in the winds. People have various sensitivities to things causing them to often blow innocuous things up in their mind. Sometimes something just triggers a bad gut feeling.

 

I’ve on the receiving end and also been the one to have a sudden shift. It’s unlikely to be anything personal, but as you get older people have more and more emotional baggage to wade through. I know these things can be really disappointing, but it’s more than likely about him not you. Unfortunately, that’s not going to make you feel any better right at the moment. You just have to move on to the next one.

[Batya33]

To me the "sudden shift" usually suggests that the person on the receiving end of the "sudden shift" was too invested and making unrealistic assumptions after only two dates so what seems like a sudden shift is simply the very typical and reasonable thought on the other person's end that after meeting the person twice there wasn't the connection he or she thought there was.

 

Here are some reasons why I declined a third date - on the second date the person focused a lot on negativity -either about exes or about people in his life, etc. The person didn't seem interested in asking questions about me/was self-absorbed, the person was rude to waitstaff, the person made narrow minded or worse comments about values/things I care about. Or revealed things that were incompatible with my values such as "lap dances aren't sexual" or a view about casual sex or revealing that he still smoked pot or cigarettes occasionally. Or - not fickle -I realized I wasn't attracted enough to the person and knew it wasn't something that could develop later. Because choosing a match often involves those unquantifiable things, and judgment calls -you're not interviewing for a job or making a new platonic friend. You need the za za za zoom or the potential for it as Carrie called it on Sex and the City.

 

And sure some people are fickle and have baggage. I've met 20 somethings with baggage, 50 somethings with none, everything in between - it's all how you deal with life experiences.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Unfortunately, something similar just happened to me and this has happened several times before. Most of the time people just have a sudden change in tune. Dating at its early stage is so fickle that almost anything can trigger a change in the winds. People have various sensitivities to things causing them to often blow innocuous things up in their mind. Sometimes something just triggers a bad gut feeling.

 

I’ve on the receiving end and also been the one to have a sudden shift. It’s unlikely to be anything personal, but as you get older people have more and more emotional baggage to wade through. I know these things can be really disappointing, but it’s more than likely about him not you. Unfortunately, that’s not going to make you feel any better right at the moment. You just have to move on to the next one.

 

Thank you for that. I agree, small things can trigger a change in tune.

 

Yes, I moved on to the next one. :-) I have a date on Thursday with someone new, and started texting someone else on the site as well.

 

Honestly, if he reached out again at this point, I'm not sure if I would respond.

[ThatwasThen]

You're "not sure you would respond?" How about reframing that to: "I would not respond" or perhaps... "I would just respond to let him know I'm not interested."

 

If he doesn't have the courtesy to send you a text to see how you're doing then he doesn't care or hes clueless and you shouldn't want anything to do with anyone who is either/or.

[DaisyMayPorter]

You're "not sure you would respond?" How about reframing that to: "I would not respond" or perhaps... "I would just respond to let him know I'm not interested."

 

If he doesn't have the courtesy to send you a text to see how you're doing then he doesn't care or hes clueless and you shouldn't want anything to do with anyone who is either/or.

 

 

Saying "I'm not sure I would respond" is a figure of speech, meaning, I wouldn't respond. Every comment is not to be scrutinized or taken literally. But I appreciate you taking the time to comment.