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Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years. We love each other a lot and want to be together but one thing we argue about almost once a month is our sex life. I have a low sex drive, I always have. It’s low enough that I thought I was asexual for a long time and had no interest in sex until I started dating at 20. My boyfriend on the other hand has a high sex drive and is almost always ready to go. Because of this he feels like I’m not attracted to him because we don’t have sex often and because I don’t get horny very often. I’ve told him many times it’s not him it’s me. Sometimes sex hurts for me or sometimes I get easily overwhelmed to the point where I’ve had to stop in the middle of sex cause I’m having a panic attack. I see where he’s coming from and I feel guilty everytime I say no but i don’t know what to do and neither does he. Neither one of us wants this to end our relationship. If anyone has any advice or if this has happened to you I’d greatly appreciate anything. I want to fix this.

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When you do get in the mood, what usually turns you on? No need to answer this, but might be worth exploring. Is it when you feel attractive or when you’ve had a relaxing day or when he does something specific? Try to explore that and recreate if possible.

 

It’s fine to not always be in the mood when he is, but it helps to explore a bit what makes you tick sexually.

 

Also, Id suggest to talk to him about how bringing the topic up once a month creates pressure for you. Stress is such a Libido killer, and if you’re starting to feel obligated, you won’t be in the mood at all.

 

In the end, if none of this helps, it might boil down to incompatibility and you guys should rethink if continuing makes sense.

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It could be that your libido is normally low, but to rule out your hormones being at inappropriate levels, ask your gynecologist to test the levels. You're young, but perhaps you possess the changing hormone levels of a woman who is going through menopause. At this time, menopausal women can insert vaginally a cream called Estrace or Estradiol which helps with replacing some of those hormones and makes insertion more comfortable. The gynecologist might suggest other treatment according to your specific issue, if you have one.

 

If there's nothing off with your hormones, sadly I suggest ending the relationship. You'll be happier with someone who shares your libido, and he'll be happier with someone who shares his. IMO, it's a major must have. I know how miserable I was when I was with a man, for a year, who had a low libido. Now I'm married to a man who has the same libido as me, and I'm 100 percent happier. Good luck.

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Have you considered speaking to your doctor? Painful sex can indicate a physical issue, though I wonder if this is more psychological given that you also mentioned being near a panic attack during the act.

 

These are issues worth exploring with a professional. I suspect the problem is not simply a low libido.

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Get evaluated by a physician for any health issues and make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Not to appease this "horny" bf but to sort out why you are with someone like this and stay despite these incompatibilities.

 

You do not owe him or anyone else sex. His pressure is something you need to reflect on and discuss with your doctor and therapist. Consider ending things with him. This is not just about sex drives.

Sometimes sex hurts for me or sometimes I get easily overwhelmed to the point where I’ve had to stop in the middle of sex cause I’m having a panic attack.
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I don’t know what triggers it. It comes and goes so quickly like flashes. Like it only happens for a few minutes and it’s so slight that sometimes I don’t notice. It does help when there’s a gentleness. When it starts slow with just touching or kissing. But if I’m already overstimulated the kissing can feel claustrophobic. Sometimes if I’m not in the mood and he is hell watch porn and jerk off and watching porn with him gets me in the mood cause I’ll picture us doing it but I don’t want to depend on anything to get in the mood.

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A lot of the time the pressure comes from me and not him. I want to make him feel good but i understand forcing myself is never a good thing because he’ll be able to tell immediately and he doesn’t want to do anything if I don’t. We both really want to work on this because we don’t want to end things. When we do have sex we are very compatible it’s just figuring out why I can’t get to a starting point.

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Do not be too shy to discuss all this with your doctor. Some therapy to sort things out would help as well. Have you ever had a good lover who is in tune with you? How old is he? He sounds rather inexperienced and/or selfish.

I don’t know what triggers it. It comes and goes so quickly like flashes. Like it only happens for a few minutes and it’s so slight that sometimes I don’t notice. It does help when there’s a gentleness.
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He’s 27 and I’m 22. He’s the best I’ve ever had and vice versa. I know he hates this situation just as much as I do because he doesn’t like it when I’m stressed or upset. He wants to make me happy just as much as I wanna make him happy. He’s a good man and I stand by that

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I always feel bad for those that come here admitting their libido is low. You all get that within a spectrum, it can be considered normal? Some run high, some run low. It's just a fact of life.

 

Of course there are those exceptions where some medical advise and help is called for.

 

But we need to be sensitive to those who run a little on the low side and resist telling them that there is something wrong with them and they need some sort of intervention.

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  • 1 year later...

Very thoughtful Reinventmyself.  I would also add for the people that say to move on if there are differences in libido, sex is not everything in a relationship and probably not the most important thing.  Those of you that are compatible now, may not always be.  So what are you going to do 10-20 years down the road when things change, move on?

 

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