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Need Advice, help please!


Mj37
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Okay, so I've been dating this guy for 2 years. Throughout these last 2 years several things have happened that have caused trust issues. He lied about still being married for the 1st year, and I found out about it because his mom spilled the beans in casual conversation when his divorce was final. He kept a Facebook that wasn't exactly appropriate, posting gym selfies and having lots of women friends love and comment inappropriate things, posting pictures on attention seeking threads, recieving inappropriate private messages, posting inappropriate "single guy" memes. I would call him out on all of it and he would say he never responded or gave these women attention, but it still always felt disrespectful to our relationship. He finally after a year posted pictures of me and changed his relationship status to in a relationship, but women still posted things on his wall that I felt were disrespectful to our relationship. Facebook has always been a huge issue

and I kept bringing it up so about 6 months ago he broke up with me for the 1st time cuz I couldn't let the Facebook thing go. Of course the day after we broke up he deleted me completely from his Facebook and put it back to single. But he always told me I had nothing to worry about on Facebook....I didn't believe it. Still don't. We continued to breakup and get back together 4 times. This last time was because I was at his house at midnight and his phone goes off, when asked about who it was he fumbled on his words, I asked him to show me his phone and he said he deleted the message. Anyway after getting it out of him, turns out ( allegedly) he gave his phone number out to a woman at a bar when he went out to smoke a cigarette and I was still inside at the bar. I WAS THERE!! The amount of disrespect is ridiculous!! And they had been texting each other back and forth a couple of days. He says it was completely innocent and he doesn't even remember her name. I don't believe it but I have no proof otherwise. Anyway we broke up and didn't speak for 3 days and I was sitting at home on a Friday night feeling real sorry for myself and rejected and not wanting to be home alone because I would normally be with him on a Friday night so I went out and got really drunk and went back to hotel with a guy. Obviously I was in a lot of pain and being self-destructive. I regret it for my own self esteem. Needless to say, my ex contacted me a couple days later and we started talking about getting back together. At the time I didn't feel the need to tell him about my one-night stand yet. I told him that I was not interested in the relationship that he was offering me before because that led him to stepping out on the relationship and he said that the whole reason we've been having problems these last two years it's because he's been scared and not fully committed because he's been burned and cheated on by both his ex-wives. Yes he has two Ex-Wives and they both cheated on him. Allegedly. So he gave me a commitment ring for Christmas and said that when he can afford an engagement ring he will give me that because now he's fully committed in this relationship and he's going to prove to me that I can trust him. So we wiped the slate clean and were having a fresh start. And it's been a good three weeks.

Fast forward to yesterday, I don't know what brought the conversation up but he basically flat out asked me if I was with somebody when we were broke up and I couldn't lie. So I told him the truth. And now I feel like he is being a hypocrite. I know that one of the times we broke up the next day he joined a dating profile ON FACEBOOK, WIERD! and communicated with a few women but he claimed it never went further than a few texts. One of the times that we broke up that next day I know he went out and partied atvs bar and in a drunken moment I went and knocked on his door in the middle of the night and I know he was home and he didn't answer the door and I could swear I heard a woman's voice in there but he is taking it to his grave that he was home alone.

My problem here is that I really don't feel like I did anything wrong. We broke up because of something he did and I didn't think I was ever going to hear from him again. So I had a low and self-destructive drunk one night stand that didn't mean anything and now he feels like he can't get the image of me with another man out of his head and he doesn't know if he can get past this. It's like hes holding me emotionally hostage! I feel so bitter because of all the things that I've forgiven and all of his lies that I have looked past these last two years and he wants to hold my ass to the fire about this. Am I wrong? He says he's hurting and I get that but I feel like he needs to forgive me and stop being hypocrite and a victim. Is that harsh? What should I do. Let me add that I know there has been a lot of negative in this relationship but there has also been a lot of positive and I fell in love with him and I have kids and he has kids and we have talked about blending our families together and moving in together and all of us are involved with each other. I love his kids and he loves my kids. It's not so easy to just break it off. I really do love him and hope for a future with this man but I also have to be realistic about his toxic behaviors and how much I'm willing to tolerate. I'm afraid he's going to retaliate and our relationship seems so fragile right now as a trust is still being rebuilt. What should I do?

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It's easier to break it off than to remain with him. There is no future with this man. Indeed, you have to be extremely realistic about his toxic behaviors which are intolerable.

 

Have a CALM in-person discussion with him without any distractions whatsoever. No cell phones, no noisy atmosphere, no TV, computer, music, nothing. Tell him it won't work out between you two. Be diplomatic and part ways without any shouting matches. Remember to remain calm at all times even if he won't. You have to remain in control of yourself and practice self-discipline.

 

Regarding your one night stand when you two broke up, that was your business and you're right, he has no right to criticize what you did when you two broke up. Having said that, you really need to work on yourself and know in your heart that you deserve to be treated with respect by a man, not a boy in a man's body. No more cheap one night stands either because it's dangerous, you can contract STD and you'll feel like a used tramp.

 

If you really and truly wish to wipe the slate clean in your life, break up, take a long break from men, think long and hard regarding the word "integrity," become more picky and choosy in the future. Stay away from losers. It's better to be alone than feel lonely with the wrong man. Think about that.

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Sorry, but what Is "ridiculous" is that you had anything to do with him after he lied about his marriage status. Then, he repeatedly continued to show you that he was a lying, cheating, attention seeking louse, yet you kept returning. I'm sorry, but this is on you. What does this guy have to do to convince you he is not worthy?

 

What happened to your self esteem to want a future with someone like this? He does not care about or respect you, and treats you like crap! What do your friends advise?

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We continued to breakup and get back together 4 times.
Have to ask you why you can't see that he is not the right guy for you and why YOU didn't break up with him the minute you didn't believe him about the facebook. His lies about his marital status weren't bad enough for you? You don't trust him because its impossible to trust someone who is untrustworthy

 

When you break up with someone more than one time it's natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person. Look into getting into therapy or with a life coach of some kind so you up your self-worth so you are confident enough to leave turds when you see one. Hell even after him showing you he was a turd over and over again you still don't see that he's one.

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When you had a breakup 4 times in the last years, you can expect more to come in the coming years. If you think everything you do and say is right at your side, then I advise you to give a full stop to your relationship here before it turns into a marriage bond that has to go with truth and faith and regretting later after marriage where you may have more difficulty in turning back will result in more shed of tears than now.

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"It's not so easy to just break it off" is what you write.

 

Is this what you want to tell your kids someday when they ask you why you had them living with a man who behaved in this way and flouted basic values like honesty and integrity? He "loves" your kids. Really? He loves your kids but he treats you like crap. That doesn't really add up.

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