Help!

[DancingFool]

I just found out today about the C-Diff. I don’t think he has told his family. His nephew is an RN at the hospital he is at and his niece is an X-ray tech at that hospital as well.

 

Have to echo Wiseman on this. First of all if he is this sick, then he needs to either stay in the hospital or go to a convalescent facility where he will be provided with proper medical care and physical therapy. His family needs to know the truth and needs to arrange for this. Since he is covered by Medicare, this is not some huge financial burden on the family to get him what he needs. Need in this case trumps wants. Of course he'd rather just go home and have you play nurse. Unfortunately, it's a situation where he can't get what he wants, he has to do what he needs to get properly well instead. You taking him into your home at this point is not doing him any favors and quite the opposite, interfering with medical care that he actually needs.

 

Also agree that should something go sideways while he is under your unqualified care, his kids will turn on you in a heartbeat and run to a lawyer. Their thank you's will turn to threats and lawsuits. Tell the kids what's going on with him, tell the truth that this is gone way beyond your capacity and let them make proper care arrangements for him.

 

Btw, refusing to get married but calling you his wife when he needs to use you is manipulative af. You might want to take a big step back and think on that a bit.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I believe Dr. Phil was right in that instance on the show - you can't be both an effective lifetime caregiver and romantic partner, they are two different roles. The romantic love would probably die eventually and they would just have a caretaker-patient relationship. (But this thread is different, it's temporary illness).

When you love someone and you've been partners for years, you don't lose "love" at all it just transitions it doesn't "die." I didn't see the show so I'll take your word for it that he was "right" in that instance. I have no details to go on so can't debate you on it.

 

I like Dr. Phil and he says some great things - but you are right, he's not always correct.

I like him too and more often than not, respect his opinion.

 

Op: You are reluctant to speak up because I think you're hoping that they/he will look after you should anything cause you to be looked after. Instead of relenting to do something you don't want to do, or fear doing then speak up and get it arranged that he stay in hospital until he is better... in the meantime, make arrangement for your own health care and financial interests. Who is your Health and Financial Power of Attorney? If you don't have one, you best make that appointment with a lawyer today.

[melancholy123]

His family keeps thanking me for taking care of him. For his other issues, it's okay to to help out when needed, but if it's so much you're getting burned out, do communicate with the family about dividing duties. It sounds like you're getting into doormat mode. You need to speak up for yourself.

 

And as I saw on a Dr. Phil episode where a woman took care of her paralyzed husband's duties all day long. Dr Phil said a partner cannot be both a romantic partner and a nurse/caretaker. That they needed to hire a professional.

 

It's of course loving to care for a partner in need, but if this is now going to be daily, longterm duties, it's best he hires help.

 

YES! What Andrina said!

[arjumand]

What has not been addressed here is he totally did not want marriage or living together because "he didn’t want us to become a financial or medical burden on each other at this stage of life." So basically, he called all the shots so that he would not have any problems taking off if she became sick or needy. Now he is sick and needy and expects her to sacrifice herself for him, he will "stay" with her -- what a bargain, but I guarantee, if this were reversed, he would not be around to look after her. This is ridiculous. I understand they have been together for 10 years, but together in what sense? They Netflixed together? What did they share that she should take on such a burden from someone who was completely unwilling to make a commitment to her. I understand she feels some obligation to him because they have been in this "relationship" but with no commitment, he needs to arrange other care and she can visit. At best, that is what she would get from him. And as for his family, he is their problem and she needs to tell them that. My MIL spent 12 years in a relationship with a guy who had plenty of money and lived across the street (neither was interested in marriage at this point). But he was ALWAYS there for anything she needed and he took her on trips, etc. and significantly included her in his will. She did a lot of taking care of him, but also made it clear to his family that they had a responsibility to look after him.

[reinventmyself]

I had this conversation with someone who's parent was terminally ill the same time my mother was. You don't really know the challenges until you are faced with them.

 

I respected their wish to bring the parent home and do all the care themselves. It's very commendable.

 

At the same time while facing difficult decisions for my mother, my mother wouldn't want my brother and I doing the work. Being in a position to bath and change diapers for a relative changes the dynamic. My mother wasn't having any part of it. I now feel the same way. Having said that, it seemed to make sense to hire someone to do the difficult work, while my brother and I can continue to enjoy that time with her.

 

As far as the comment `in sickness and in health' That's what marriage vows are for and I think it's different when you commit to someone legally for a long duration, that you are agreeing to handle the hard stuff when the time comes.

 

The guy by his own decision wanted to keep things light and separate. This is the down side of that agreement.

 

I've seen it before. My parents next door neighbors. Seniors, cohabiting with no legal arrangement. The man becomes terminally ill. The woman takes great care of him and can also afford daily nursing. Estranged kids from another state swoop in and take dad away against both their wishes. She never saw him again and the kids were protecting their inheritance. It was rather heartbreaking.

[ThatwasThen]

Except that they aren't married or even living together.

Yes I realize. I was commenting on what Dr. Phil said.

 

Staying with someone through sickness and health is not the same as being their caregiver.

No one said it was the same, I'm just saying.

 

Caregiver burnout is extremely common in these scenarios.

Yes, I was my father's medical and financial caregiver and it isn't a cake walk. I did it because I love him and he was so against strangers doing for him and going into nursing home.

 

My grandfather in law was cared for by his wife 24x7 for many years without a break until his family finally put their foot down and hired someone to take care of him.

Yes that's ideal. Sadly not everyone has siblings to help out or the resources to have someone else care for our loved ones. I think in this case, Op's boyfriend has both so she should just speak up if she is at all worried about doing for him. Let the chips of her decision fall where they may.

 

 

Not everyone has the financial means BUT.... if a person can find a way, shuffle expenses, find community resources, get family assistance etc. hiring a professional, even part time, is a must in these scenarios.

Well, its ideal but not always a possibility and many cultures expect their loved ones to do the job of caring for them in their old age.

 

Op is worried that her services won't be reciprocated if she needs care so if she hasn't already made arrangements with her lawyer for her care, then she should be doing that now and making sure whatever financial resources she has can be used to hire someone to do for her. She shouldn't assume or even expect him/them to take care of her. I think so far op has been volunteering and now his family have come to expect it.

[Hollyj]

Would he do the same if the situation were reversed? I think not, according to the conditions he implemented.

 

The family needs to take over.

 

Are you working?

[Hollyj]

This is serious:

 

Clostridioides difficile (also known as C. diff) is a bacterium that causes diarrhea and colitis (an inflammation of the colon).

 

It’s estimated to cause almost half a million illnesses in the United States each year.

 

About 1 in 5 patients who get C. diff will get it again.

 

Within a month of diagnosis, 1 in 11 people over age 65 died of a healthcare-associated C. diff infection.

[boltnrun]

Boy, when I got VRE (from a hospital!) I ordered my kids and family and friends away from me. I insisted on No Visitors because I was not going to expose my loved ones. My kids and MIL insisted on visiting anyway but I made them stay across the room and made sure they didn't touch me or handle my belongings.

 

I can't imagine loving someone and expecting them to be exposed to such a serious illness.

 

I have to say I feel from what you wrote that if you were the one who was ill he'd run in the opposite direction.

[ArtLover51]

Update: The good news is that the culture came back negative for C-Diff! He has been at my home since Wednesday. His nephew is changing and packing the wound on weekends and his friend, who is a retired male RN, is doing that wound care M-F. His family is bringing food and has offered help in any way they can. It has all been appreciated by us. However, it does seem it is time for a conversation going forward, and it will be a difficult one to have. I truly love this man but I do have to start looking ahead. His depression is rearing it’s ugly head over the course of this past week and that is concerning me as well. I’m trying to take all this, one day at a time! Thanks for all your help.