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I don’t know what do with my ex


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So my ex boyfriend was very controlling first time I dated him. I let it go on too long and I ended up confiding in my friend and she said it’s a toxic relationship you need to get out. So I did. He came back saying he’ll change he realized what he did and I believed him and went back to him. Everything was great it was going perfect. Then we went home for break and he reverted back to being controlling and manipulative and I knew I had to end it. I learned what I was worth and I know I didn’t deserve that. This time however I told my family because he was just mentally draining and emotionally exhausting I’ve cried so many times over break. They supported me and so I went through it.

 

Now...he texted me again and he said he know he messed up. He wants another chance, and I’m not sure. I told him I don’t have time anymore second semester because I’m swamped with classes/work/volleyball. He proposed we could be a thing without a label when I just wanted to be friends(when he’s ready) because we both acknowledge we have things to work on. He explained the without a label as we’re still “together” but we work on our issues individually. It’s like we know we are each other’s persons and we know better than to talk to anyone else. I gave it a shot and I went to his room did my homework. I slept in his room that night and he asked if it could farther and I said yes(which I know was dumb) and the next morning I realized I don’t like this. I want to be friends and we work on ourselves.

 

We know we want to be together and we both know we have a lot of stuff to work on as individuals and I just want to do it alone. We take a break from each other and when we are ready we’ll try again. I love him and he loves me. I don’t care what my family thinks honestly because I believe he can change. I just don’t know if that’s the right option or should I just give up on him? If it’s the right decision to stay as friends I’d try again next year I just don’t know how to go about this. We don’t want to mess it up third time around.

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If ex honestly wants to change to be a better person. It doesn't happen overnight. You need to let him go and let him discover himself.

 

You want to be alone and find self growth. That's great. You should do that alone. I think it's a bad idea to be friends right now. Too much emotion in the relationship right now. You just slept with him and will try to go farther with you again. Friends don't do that.

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Every controlling, toxic, abusive person will say the same thing - come back, I've magically changed and seen the error of my ways.

 

You already gave him a second chance and what happened? He went right back to being himself after a short honeymoon period. This cycle is never going to change until you dropkick him out of your life permanently. What will change with that? You'll get to live your life and be happy and his toxic bs will no longer be your problem.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and block and delete him from everything. No more contact whatsoever. You need to spend some time detoxing yourself. As for your hope that maybe this time....unless he spent 1-2 years in therapy while staying completely single and fully focused on therapy, he is NEVER going to change. Now has he been single and in intensive therapy for 2 years since you broke up? No? So nothing has changed or will change.

 

You are in college. Time to allow yourself some freedom to be single, focus on your personal growth, your studies, figure out who you are as a young woman and learn to stand on your own two feet completely. That's critical for your life and well being in the future. As for this guy, this is your life lesson in what kind of a bf you don't want in your life.

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There got to be like a zillion guys at your school. Why stick yourself with one who is controlling and has abusive tendencies?

 

Yes, I get it, you love him. But if you give a decent guy a chance you could love him too. But you'll never find that decent guy as long as you keep hanging around this one.

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From an outside perspective it’s so easy to see that the healthiest option would be to break up. But that’s really painful even when we know it’s the best option...and we can avoid feeling those feelings by dragging it out with half measures “friendly lovers who aren’t together but don’t date anybody else” arrangements or other wishful but impossible scenarios.

 

I’ve gone back with exes several times in my life; no judgement here if you need more “convincing” from him before you’re ready to actually walk away and fully heal before considering another round. Sometimes we just need to drive it until the wheels fall off and that’s a valid way to gain experience and learn too!

 

Best wishes,

 

Zack

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Sorry to hear this. Why not educate yourself on abusive relationships? Is there a family history of abuse, substance abuse or mental illness? Why does this seem normal to you? Google "Cycle of violence" "emotional abuse" and "red flags for an abuser". Just for fun research 'sociopaths'. Everything you have stated here is very classic for this pattern.

 

You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. You also need to enlist continued support from your friends and family (isolation/secrecy is a typical abuser tool). Further your career or schooling.

 

Get involved in groups and clubs and sports and other productive healthy activities that draw other healthy productive people. Volunteer. Make your life full and surround yourself with normal decent people. You will soon see the vast difference between this exbf and how healthy relationships operate.

 

Get to a therapist and fix whatever is deep down inside you that allows you to be treated like dirt and keep going back for more.

So my ex boyfriend was very controlling first time I dated him. Now...he texted me again and he said he know he messed up. He wants another chance, and I’m not sure.
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Please stop being afraid to act on what you know is in your own best interests. He is not a good prospect as a LIFEpartner so why would you disrespect yourself, abuse your own self, crush your own heart and self esteem by trying to make it work with someone you clearly know is incapable of changing his need to control you.

 

He won't change until he gets the professional help he needs to learn the tools he needs to let go of his control freak tendencies so if you are to stay with him it would be very selfish of you because you are then enabling him not to get that help and therefore sentencing him to a life as a giant A-hole.

 

Let him go and at least allow him to learn a lesson. You stay with him and the only thing he'll learn is that you are okay with his BS.

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I just don’t know if that’s the right option or should I just give up on him? If it’s the right decision to stay as friends I’d try again next year I just don’t know how to go about this. We don’t want to mess it up third time around.

 

Since it didn't work out the first time, chances of it working the third time are slim to none, (imo). With that said, I'd opt for throwing in the towel and begin to move forward.

 

As to staying as "friends' my guess would be, that would likely result in a FWBs situation. Of course it's your call, but do you really want to sink to that level?

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If you allow yourself to really reflect on this honestly, I think you'll see that you are more attached to an idea of him than to who he actually is, as well as an idea about how you two might function than how you two actually function. The best things about this, in other words, exist in your imagination, not in reality.

 

Subtract your imagination, after all, and what do you have? Two attempts at romance that have run you ragged, and now ragged feelings surrounding a flirtation with another shot. Just doesn't seem like this man is a positive influence in your life—or, really, that you are a positive influence in his. You are each rewarding and validating deep fears and bad emotional habits in each other.

 

It's a bit like candy or fatty food: good in the moment, but not good for you. Stunts growth and/or grows you into an unhealthy shape.

 

Relationships and romantic connection don't need to feel like endurance tests or psychological experiments. When they do? It's generally a solid sign they've run their course, stopped working, never quite worked. From where I'm sitting, I'd say the healthiest and most honest way to look at this, right now, is to see that this man has been put in your life to teach you that valuable lesson. But to fully learn it, and live it, you have to let this go, for real.

 

Which, yes, is pretty scary. And it's that fear, I think, that you both share, the strongest bonding point here. So this business about being "just friends" or being together "without a label"? It's both of you looking for a way to avoid fully facing that fear, a bit like riding a bike with training wheels. It's one way, for sure, but there is a gigantic difference between actually riding a bike, and feeling the joy and freedom of it, and riding one with training wheels. There comes a point where the training wheels are preventing you from learning to ride rather than getting you closer. I think you've reached that point here, being honest.

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How many times does he have to show you that he is manipulative, controlling, and abusive. This is who he is! He has shown you this, over and over.

 

If you had blocked him, you wouldn't be having this problem.

 

If you go back, you have no one else to blame, but yourself.

 

Terrible idea to be friends! You cannot be friends if there are feeling, and why would you want to be friends with a toxic individual?

Edited by Hollyj
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to answer your question, yes. he can change. However and this is a giant however--

 

As long as he has access to you, you share any kind of relationship, he will not. He will not. I'll say it, again, he will not.

 

The only motivation for change, is get something you don't have and that goes for all things in life.

 

As a young woman, I did not understand this. And like you, I wanted my cake and eat it, too. I wanted my boyfriend's to treat me a certain way, but I didn't have the discipline to walk away when presented with unacceptable behavior. I wanted them to change but I wasn't willing to change myself.

 

Do you see what I did there? it's not about forcing him to change, cause you can't. but you can change yourself. And be strong! accept being away from someone you love is hard, but you love yourself enough to know what you deserve.

 

You may find you don't love him as much as you thought and you don't see your future with him... the world is your oyster! There are a lot of great guys out there. Ones that don't blow it (twice!) with a great woman!

 

Put the responsibility for your life back on you. get away from this guy for a few weeks, months even, I bet you see the situation differently. Maybe he will realise what he lost and change. Maybe you'll realise what you were missing- with someone else!

 

The best advice i can give for anyone is, don't limit yourself or your options. And don't make decisions out of fear. There are always more men... I know a lot of people, when breaking up, really think - oh no, I will not meet anyone better. But we all do... if you can get one guy, you can get another.

 

ps... toxic guys are everywhere. women, too. so know you aren't really giving up anyone great... knock him down a peg and raise your own self worth. these situations only get worse!

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to answer your question, yes. he can change. However and this is a giant however--

 

As long as he has access to you, you share any kind of relationship, he will not. He will not. I'll say it, again, he will not.

 

The only motivation for change, is get something you don't have and that goes for all things in life.

 

As a young woman, I did not understand this. And like you, I wanted my cake and eat it, too. I wanted my boyfriend's to treat me a certain way, but I didn't have the discipline to walk away when presented with unacceptable behavior. I wanted them to change but I wasn't willing to change myself.

 

Do you see what I did there? it's not about forcing him to change, cause you can't. but you can change yourself. And be strong! accept being away from someone you love is hard, but you love yourself enough to know what you deserve.

 

You may find you don't love him as much as you thought and you don't see your future with him... the world is your oyster! There are a lot of great guys out there. Ones that don't blow it (twice!) with a great woman!

 

Put the responsibility for your life back on you. get away from this guy for a few weeks, months even, I bet you see the situation differently. Maybe he will realise what he lost and change. Maybe you'll realise what you were missing- with someone else!

 

The best advice i can give for anyone is, don't limit yourself or your options. And don't make decisions out of fear. There are always more men... I know a lot of people, when breaking up, really think - oh no, I will not meet anyone better. But we all do... if you can get one guy, you can get another.

 

ps... toxic guys are everywhere. women, too. so know you aren't really giving up anyone great... knock him down a peg and raise your own self worth. these situations only get worse!

Worth repeating! *Two Thumbs Up*

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Third time is very rarely charm, especially when you're as young as you two appear to be.

 

You both have a lot of growing and maturing to do, for different reasons. You're trying to sell yourself the narrative that you just "get" each other, but at the same time, your gut is yelling at you to stay away. Your friends and family will probably do the same, not because they don't "get" you two, but because they see things far more objectively than you can.

 

Keep those friends and family close. You'll need them when the third break-up happens.

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