Advice regarding relationship with pregnant GF

[colinbest2]

She doesn't have a phone/wifi to contact them herself?

 

Yes she does but from what she tells me she doesn't really discuss much with them. When I asked if she discussed anything with them and tried to use them as support she said no.

[colinbest2]

Only saying this from several friends who've been like this...all the complaining about things, living situation, this and that, really came down to not getting a ring put on it after moving in together.

 

So instead of realizing their crappy attitude delays getting engaged, then nag and nag as a way to deflect how they are really feeling. Essentially self sabotage, so they themselves don't get so heartbroken.

 

And moving with an infant - hahahahhahahha - yeah, nope. Think of your place, and double the amount the stuff, and that's your baby stuff. But it's doable. It's just so not easy. Best is when they are still cooking, but really, babies don't take up a lot of room, nor need their own room when they are itty bitty. Tell her to save some money for closing costs, and they you both get to pick a house together. But between the lines, her attitude (from what I've seen with friends) is wondering if you'll make an honest woman out of her.

 

But if you cannot picture being with her, then you just have to rip off the bandaid, and tell her how you feel.

 

Fair, marriage is a point I haven't seen it from. Its something we've spoke out but not alot, shed always told me a baby and moving us was more important to her but she could well be just saying that then.

[jimthzz]

So give up this idea that a six-month-old baby is easie tpo deal with while home shopping than now.

 

You can use the equity in your current home a a down payment. Talk to a loan company about bridge loans. keep saving that money regardless.

 

If the issue for your GF is the lack of space, window dressings don't mean squat.

 

BTW, she may be thinking a little farther down the road than yo are. Where there is one baby there can soon be two... So if that is in the cards, a bigger home ONCE makes sense.

 

I agree and she does make the point that it is her who is going to be in the home alone with the baby the majority of the time so she wants it to be perfect and I understand that. What I've neglected to mention which is another problem for me is my mortgage is a fix rate of 3 years with a year left. To leave early would cost 2% of my mortgage amount basically meaning I'd be paying £1.7k to the mortgage company to get out of the agreement.

 

Does the term "chicken feed" translate from American to British slang?

 

That amount is barely a blip in the long run.

 

Can you calculate the amount of stress relieved in your household against that amount?

 

BTW. Another wrote in this thread that maybe a ring and a date for marriage may be what this is all about. yes, it is 2020, but there is something to be said about legitimizing a relationship before the baby is born.

[colinbest2]

Does the term "chicken feed" translate from American to British slang?

 

That amount is barely a blip in the long run.

 

Can you calculate the amount of stress relieved in your household against that amount?

 

BTW. Another wrote in this thread that maybe a ring and a date for marriage may be what this is all about. yes, it is 2020, but there is something to be said about legitimizing a relationship before the baby is born.

 

Yeah I guess I am making this seem all about money and whether I think we can or can't afford it. I have savings. I don't think we'd struggle but I just don't know what to expect when the baby is here.

 

Appreciate I'm probably coming across as an arsehole and putting money above my gf and baby but that really isn't my intention. Maybe I should ignore my opinions and just cave into her wants and agree to buy a house if that's what's going to make her happy.

[tattoobunnie]

Ugh, now I'm starting to remember - I am also speaking from personal experience. After moving in, I was expecting to get engaged soon, especially after this romantic trip. It didn't happened, and he started endlessly on WOW. He started promising to get married. I started nit picking. Then when I got prego, and he manipulated me into getting an abortion, and promises of getting married, but never happening, the nit-picking really picked up. We broke up soon thereafter, which brought me to enotalone.

 

Either way, read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It seems neither of you are able to really say what you mean and understand each other. Her nit picking turns you off cuz you feel unsupported. Your lack of giving to her makes her feel unloved. Really, you are experiencing what a lot of couples can experience at any given time. It's either you want two won't to make it work, and get some counseling to communicate effectively moving forward as parents and partners, or just move on. But I have a strong feeling you'll still find yourself in the same situation with another person and another. Communication is something you learn; no one is born to do it.

[Hollyj]

Why in the world would you get pregnant with this woman with all of issues? I don't get to!

[colinbest2]

Ugh, now I'm starting to remember - I am also speaking from personal experience. After moving in, I was expecting to get engaged soon, especially after this romantic trip. It didn't happened, and he started endlessly on WOW. He started promising to get married. I started nit picking. Then when I got prego, and he manipulated me into getting an abortion, and promises of getting married, but never happening, the nit-picking really picked up. We broke up soon thereafter, which brought me to enotalone.

 

Either way, read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It seems neither of you are able to really say what you mean and understand each other. Her nit picking turns you off cuz you feel unsupported. Your lack of giving to her makes her feel unloved. Really, you are experiencing what a lot of couples can experience at any given time. It's either you want two won't to make it work, and get some counseling to communicate effectively moving forward as parents and partners, or just move on. But I have a strong feeling you'll still find yourself in the same situation with another person and another. Communication is something you learn; no one is born to do it.

 

I'm wanting to make this work and I'm wanting to be there for her during the pregnancy. She's still angry with me, tonight I came in from work and tried to talk and spark up a conversation but she didn't want to. What is the best thing for me to do? Give her some space?

[Hollyj]

"I never saw any of this before she moved in, she'd stayed at my house alot and never mentioned any problems (other than the bathroom but it was a complete tip tbf and I got someone in to do it as soon as she moved in and we both picked out how we'd like it to look) .

 

in general life she's always seemed quite unsatisfied. I'd make her happy where I could but she never really enjoyed her job, she moved to another job and didn't enjoy that. She's never really made any close friends here either despite me introducing her to my mates and this girlfriends."

This almost sounds like two different people. This is a contradiction. The signs were there.

 

Get some counseling.

 

Does she work? Does she have any friends?

[tattoobunnie]

I'm wanting to make this work and I'm wanting to be there for her during the pregnancy. She's still angry with me, tonight I came in from work and tried to talk and spark up a conversation but she didn't want to. What is the best thing for me to do? Give her some space?

 

Ask her to go to counseling, so we can be best at communicated with eachother. If she isn't open to this, then ask her if she'd like to go to her parents, and take some time for herself. But either way, the best for the baby is two parents who can co-parent, and that starts with being able to clear the air, and discuss things calmly and rationally.

[colinbest2]

"I never saw any of this before she moved in, she'd stayed at my house alot and never mentioned any problems (other than the bathroom but it was a complete tip tbf and I got someone in to do it as soon as she moved in and we both picked out how we'd like it to look) .

 

in general life she's always seemed quite unsatisfied. I'd make her happy where I could but she never really enjoyed her job, she moved to another job and didn't enjoy that. She's never really made any close friends here either despite me introducing her to my mates and this girlfriends."

This almost sounds like two different people. This is a contradiction. The signs were there.

 

Get some counseling.

 

Does she work? Does she have any friends?

 

Yes she has a Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job. She only has one friend that she ever sees and this friend lives about 40 miles away. So has no one else she can talk to here unfortunately.

[Hollyj]

Yes she has a Monday to Friday 9 to 5 job. She only has one friend that she ever sees and this friend lives about 40 miles away. So has no one else she can talk to here unfortunately.

 

Yikes. Does she have any interest in meeting new people? Is most of her free time spent with you?

[colinbest2]

Yikes. Does she have any interest in meeting new people? Is most of her free time spent with you?

 

I honestly don't know, she moved to this city to be with her ex, they split up and she stayed because she had a job. We then met on Tinder. We're pretty much together 100% of the time. I think if she had some friends nearby to meet and talk to it'd help.

[itsallgrand]

It was a mistake moving her into your home. And it was a mistake getting her pregnant.

 

No need to triple down. This isn't just the " way life is ". This is a bad relationship. This is a poor choice in a partner.

 

Don't buy or spend anything else until you get some financial advice. This woman wasn't even holding a stable job, and you moved her in to your home. Now she's pregnant, and she is already pushing for more. What has she contributed? What will she be contributing?

 

Check out the laws where you live. Where I live, common law is a thing. She'd have rights to that house and your income. If you marry her, she certainly will almost anywhere. Don't marry her.

 

Not everyone out there is a cool bean. You have to be smart. She has given you no reason to think she's interested in an equal partnership. Shes nagging already about what you have to give her. She has legs, if she wanted a huge house, why didn't she work for it before getting off the pill? Think about it. She's an adult. She's not your responsibility.

 

You can roll the dice on staying with someone who already makes you miserable, or you can get out now and focus on how you will raise your kid.

 

You aren't trapped. And she sure isn't. Again, this isn't " just life " even if it's a scenario that is common enough. It's the results of the series of choices you made, and continue to make. You can change the story if and when you want.

[colinbest2]

Thats truly really difficult, im definitely not qualified to give advice in this case, but I would suggest doing a couple things

 

1) seeing a relationship

2) cultivating time with your s/o to explain to her exactly how you feel AND how you plan on fixing it

3) LISTENING to what she has to say, and ask her how she wishes to resolve things together with the available tools you guys have available to you right now

 

Great points, I do want to talk this through and have tried. Last night I tried to discuss our relationship, she told me she gets nothing from me. Sex, conversation etc. I haven't been the greatest bf and I know that now. I'm going to go to a doctor regarding my low libido and I tried to explain why I may be acting off, bit stressed with everything going on.

[bluecastle]

It was a mistake moving her into your home. And it was a mistake getting her pregnant.

 

No need to triple down. This isn't just the " way life is ". This is a bad relationship. This is a poor choice in a partner.

 

Don't buy or spend anything else until you get some financial advice. This woman wasn't even holding a stable job, and you moved her in to your home. Now she's pregnant, and she is already pushing for more. What has she contributed? What will she be contributing?

 

Check out the laws where you live. Where I live, common law is a thing. She'd have rights to that house and your income. If you marry her, she certainly will almost anywhere. Don't marry her.

 

Not everyone out there is a cool bean. You have to be smart. She has given you no reason to think she's interested in an equal partnership. Shes nagging already about what you have to give her. She has legs, if she wanted a huge house, why didn't she work for it before getting off the pill? Think about it. She's an adult. She's not your responsibility.

 

You can roll the dice on staying with someone who already makes you miserable, or you can get out now and focus on how you will raise your kid.

 

You aren't trapped. And she sure isn't. Again, this isn't " just life " even if it's a scenario that is common enough. It's the results of the series of choices you made, and continue to make. You can change the story if and when you want.

 

Could not have said it better.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Often an evaluation from a physician can uncover some underlying issues, low libido may be a symptom of. Supportive individual talk therapy would help tremendously in your case.

 

Getting in her face or looking for people to see your side of things and making her out as a monster is not doing anyone any good, particularly since you both decided on having a child together. Especially biased people such as your friends and family and people you only tell your side to. That in itself creates divisiveness

 

For now leave her be. Let her have some breathing room. Stop over-explaining everything to her as if she is a child. Stop shoving all your friends at her. Stop trying to fix and change her. She has her own friends and family she can reach out to anytime she wishes. It's not up to you to contact them.

 

When you try to run the whole world like this then make yourself out as the victim of this pregnant gf, it creates many more problems than it solves. Just keep saying to yourself: " I picked her, she is a grown woman who works full time and is expecting our child, not an imbecile I have to micromanage".

I'm going to go to a doctor regarding my low libido and I tried to explain why I may be acting off, bit stressed with everything going on.

[jimthzz]

So give up this idea that a six-month-old baby is easie tpo deal with while home shopping than now.

 

You can use the equity in your current home a a down payment. Talk to a loan company about bridge loans. keep saving that money regardless.

 

If the issue for your GF is the lack of space, window dressings don't mean squat.

 

BTW, she may be thinking a little farther down the road than yo are. Where there is one baby there can soon be two... So if that is in the cards, a bigger home ONCE makes sense.

 

I agree and she does make the point that it is her who is going to be in the home alone with the baby the majority of the time so she wants it to be perfect and I understand that. What I've neglected to mention which is another problem for me is my mortgage is a fix rate of 3 years with a year left. To leave early would cost 2% of my mortgage amount basically meaning I'd be paying £1.7k to the mortgage company to get out of the agreement.

 

Yeah I guess I am making this seem all about money and whether I think we can or can't afford it. I have savings. I don't think we'd struggle but I just don't know what to expect when the baby is here.

 

Appreciate I'm probably coming across as an arsehole and putting money above my gf and baby but that really isn't my intention. Maybe I should ignore my opinions and just cave into her wants and agree to buy a house if that's what's going to make her happy.

 

If you just feel as though you are caving into her demands as an appeasement, then you ought to stop progressing this relationship.

 

if you really believe you have a future with her as a family, then reframe the reasoning.

 

What would you get out of having a happy partner?

 

That is, if this would do it.

[Tinydance]

Oh man, do you love this lady, and want you babies with her... then you go all in. Just do it.

 

I did. It didn't work out in the end. We got divorced.

 

The oldest is about 20 ish, sitting on my sofa right now, watching Pulp Fiction. Drinking some beer and eating pizza.

 

It is outstanding in every way. Hell, if his mother was here we might all just eat some pizza, have a larf, and get on with life.

 

A man should have children, and be responsible for them. Get on with it.

 

Do you mind if I ask, how old are you RayRay? Just curious....I actually have to say that I disagree with the posts you're making. I mean it's jusr your personal opinion of course....You seem to be of that old-fashioned opinion that if a guy gets a woman pregnant, he has to stay with her and stick it out. That that's it for him. Like in the olden days when a guy got a woman pregnant, he had to marry her straight away.

 

I'm a millennial (35) but I have close friends who are in their late 20's. From my experience, times have changed and it's not believed that people have to stay together forever because they have kids. Of course it's the best outcome for the child if they're together, but not if the parents can't stand each other. My best friend's Mum just settled for her Dad because she wanted kids. She actually almost can't stand him and they always fight. And she used to flirt with other men and have emotional affairs. Maybe if she left him they could have both found someone they were more compatible with.

 

I could be wrong, but from OP's post I just get a strong vibe that he's not happy with her and things are not going well. The whole thing sounds rushed and like maybe there was a lack of experience due to never have been in a relationship before? Doesn't sound like they lived together long at all before deciding to have a baby. Truly getting to know someone is a long process. These days people are usually together 2+ years before thinking about a baby.

 

I'm not just speaking from total ignorance here. I was with a guy for 2.5 years, lived together for one. He was really rushing to get married, so proposed to me after one year together and only one month of living together. I said "yes" but after another year or so of living together realised that he had very bad mental health issues and then he also developed a bad drug addiction. Looking back on it I wished I hadn't rushed into it like that.

 

I mean before completely giving up you can try couple's counselling. But if it doesn't work then you don't have to stay with her. You can be a good Dad and always be there for your child and help her as much as you can. But you don't have to be in a relationship for that.