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Advice regarding relationship with pregnant GF


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Hi all,

 

So I've been with my girlfriend for about just over 2 years now. She moved into my house which I have a mortgage for about 7 months ago.

 

All was well to begin with, then after she moved in she started doing things that annoyed me a little. The way she spoke to me was quite rude sometimes. For example after I'd washed the dishes if she found a small bit of food left on them that I'd missed she'd kick off, usually like "oh ing hell ill just do them from now on". Then when I'd hoover the house I wouldn't be doing it the way she does so it'd be wrong. Little things like that. I guess I bit my tongue and let her get away with it but after a while I felt like I was pretty useless and started to hesitate doing stuff around my house for fear of doing something wrong. This meant I started to get quite defensive and would react angrily to her sometimes. I put this off as every couple has their little problems and niggles.

 

A few months after she moved into my house she became very unhappy with the house, at first it was the decorating. She redecorated the front bedroom, living room and hallway. I have paid to have the garden and bathroom completely redone.

 

Late last year she became pregnant, we had talked about having a baby this year and at first I was very happy and excited. She is now about 10 weeks into the pregnancy.

 

Friday last week we had a big argument, she has had it with the house, she believes it's too small for ourselves and a baby. It's a 2 bedroom house and I simply don't agree with this. She says she cannot enjoy living there because every room she goes in she sees problems that need fixing and she cannot relax, even those we have redecorated. I have told her that I cannot commit to the process of buying a new house whilst a baby is on the horizon and have said that I believe the best time for is to look at moving would be once the baby is 6 months to a year old. She now tells me she feels trapped since I'm the one that earns the higher wage and would be the one that funds the majority of the house deposit. She tells me she cannot look forward to having a baby whilst there are problems with the house such as storage and space.

 

We didn't have a great sex life, now it's non existant. I started a new job with a senior role in November and I am currently still in my probation period. This on top of life at home has caused me to struggle with my libido. Our level of intimacy has become very low aswell.

 

Sunday morning I woke up and wished her a good morning to which she replied with "house is ed". I told her I didn't appreciate being spoken to that way and she told me that she can talk to me however she likes.

 

We have argued and I have said things I aren't proud of, I said that I feel baby trapped, that she is using the pregnancy to try and get out of the house that she has never really liked.

 

After a day of being apart from each other I went home and said to her "everything aside I do love you and am looking forward to having a child with you" to which she replied "well you don't have a choice now".

 

We had another conversation yesterday where I tried to compromise, get decorators in to finish the house and fix up stuff she doesn't like until we look at moving once the baby is here but she just replies with "well I don't really have a choice". When I asked her about how she feels about our relationship she tells me I give her nothing, I am awkward with her and we never have sex. All are true, I have been awkward with her recently down to stress and I apologise to her for this. She just said that I shouldn't be stressed about the baby because it's her body and if I'm stressed about the new job then why did I take it. She also wouldnt say she loves me.

 

Her family live 30 miles away and other than me she has nothing for her here in this city, she has no support base other than me. She has no friends other than friends of my own. She has no one to fall back on and I'm concerned that this is the only reason she won't end the relationship.

 

Im really struggling now, I appreciate that she is 10 weeks pregnant and her hormones are really playing up. She's told me how bad she feels, tired and achey and it must really suck but I struggle getting talked to like I am. I hate to say this but if she told me she wants to break up I'd be upset but also very relieved.

 

I cannot wait to be a dad and I cannot wait to contribute to my baby's life but at this point I'm struggling to find reasons to stay together other than the baby. The only thing stopping me is good memories of the past where we have been away, been to Venice and Rome and had great times. The good times we've both had.

 

I just need some advice, my head is completely gone. I'm struggling to concentrate at work and by the end of the working day I have a pit of dread at the bottom of my stomach at the thought of going home.

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Sorry to hear this. It's difficult to understand why after dating 2 years you both seem to do everything unilaterally from home buying to family planning. Nothing seems to be a joint decision. You seem to be keeping her at arm's length and she seems to be resentful, yet willing to stay with you.

 

This situation seems quite forced. It seems as though she is with you because she has no one else and you are with her because she's now pregnant. She seems desperate if she is getting pregnant with someone who doesn't want to live together, get married or treat her as a partner.

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Just to clarify, I asked her to move in with myebecause I want to live with her and I have promised to save atleast £1k a month until the baby is 6 months to a year old so we can both buy a house we're will be very happy with.

 

Id like to ask why you feel as though I don't treat her as a partner? Is that down to the lack of sex?

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Th lack of sex is because she resents you and there is way too much arguing and relationship conflict. You also do not plan things together. You do your thing, she does hers. At least you make it sound almost as if she is homeless and got herself pregnant and you took pity on her so allowed her to live with you and allowed her to keep the child. Yet you paint yourself the victim that she complains about the decorations. You are very incompatible and it's doubtful things will improve on this trajectory. You seem to treat her as a roommate with benefits and she treats you with great disdain.

I don't treat her as a partner? Is that down to the lack of sex?
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It's her complaining about the lack of sex. Not me. We planned to have a baby this year together. We both agreed for her to move into my house when she did. I simply cannot agree to put more financial strain on us both by undertaking buying a new house whilst having the financial strain of a new baby. We've always agreed together that we will move into a forever home unfortunately she wants to move ASAP and I want to do after the baby is born for the reasons stated.

 

Either I haven't explained things properly or your making alot of assumptions here.

 

Perhaps your right, perhaps the relationship is doomed.

 

Cheers.

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I don't really understand why you wanted to have a baby with her if you were already annoyed at the things she said and were unsure of the relationship? Are you guys an older couple? Seemed like you were in a rush to move in together and have a child? To be really honest, from your post it sounds like you're both just settling for the other person. It doesn't sound like you're really in love or happy with each other. Sounds like you really grate on each other's nerves and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Ultimately it's your decision but you don't need to stay with her just because of the baby. You can still be in your child's life even if you break up.

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I don't really understand why you wanted to have a baby with her if you were already annoyed at the things she said and were unsure of the relationship? Are you guys an older couple? Seemed like you were in a rush to move in together and have a child? To be really honest, from your post it sounds like you're both just settling for the other person. It doesn't sound like you're really in love or happy with each other. Sounds like you really grate on each other's nerves and don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Ultimately it's your decision but you don't need to stay with her just because of the baby. You can still be in your child's life even if you break up.

 

TD, it is what it is and they are trying to make a go of it.

 

I hope they can.

 

I think they should give it a go.

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How about going to couples counseling? Perhaps that would help sort things out. If you dont, I doubt this relationship will last.

 

I think that is a good thing to do. This could be a great family unit, and the OP could be the best, gentlest father who ever held his baby.

 

Mate, you are going to get criticized, no matter what you do. Posters here will do it with their usual knee jerk reactions.

 

Tough it out buddy. Do it for your child. Don't die wondering.

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Pregnant women have a hard time interacting with other people generally (not a hater, just my experience). There is such a soup of hormones swirling around their blood stream, body changes, and whatnot, that is uncomfortable and makes 'em feel a loss of control.

 

This is where nesting behavior comes in and controlling commentaries.

 

She does not believe you when you say that it would be better to wait on the home buying. You are completely dismissive of her reasoning. If you think it will be easier to do that when there is an infant in tow, then you really do not understand the meteor that is about to crash on your 2-bedroomed roof.

 

if it would be no skin off your nose to trade up the housing, then just do it--now.

 

Caveat: if you are not to stay with hr anymore, then don't do it.

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Tough situation.

 

How were things between you guys 7 months ago, before she moved in? I ask because I'm trying to get a sense of your general dynamic and whether the behavior that frustrated you—complaining about the dishes, obsessing about the home, etc.—came out of nowhere or whether you saw signs of that previously. Like, when you traveled together? Was she easygoing? Did you see eye to eye on where to stay, what to eat, what to do? Or were you often trying to make her happy, stave off volatile moods, smooth out "niggles"?

 

I agree that couples counseling sounds in order here. Things are moving fast: before adjusting to living together, and seeing if that is sincerely workable, you're now both staring at a horizon that, while exciting, is also pretty overwhelming. You need to be teammates on this adventure, working from a shared logic system, not adversaries operating with competing systems. A professional can hopefully help you get to the root of where there's disconnect and scrape the corrosion of the most vital connection points.

 

The thing that really stuck out to me is her lack of support system. Does she work?

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I never saw any of this before she moved in, she'd stayed at my house alot and never mentioned any problems (other than the bathroom but it was a complete tip tbf and I got someone in to do it as soon as she moved in and we both picked out how we'd like it to look) .

 

We did see eye to eye, really enjoyed our time away, but in general life she's always seemed quite unsatisfied. I'd make her happy where I could but she never really enjoyed her job, she moved to another job and didn't enjoy that. She's never really made any close friends here either despite me introducing her to my mates and this girlfriends.

 

Ofcourse looking back we should have sorted the housing situation before thinking about having the baby but she came off the pill late ast year and we was expecting it to take a bit of time. Ended up happening pretty much straight away.

 

The support system is a big thing I agree, I'm not sure whether I should talk to her sister and father? They came down to the house on Saturday and I could tell she really enjoyed having them down. Maybe more of an effort to get them around would help?

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Pregnant women have a hard time interacting with other people generally (not a hater, just my experience). There is such a soup of hormones swirling around their blood stream, body changes, and whatnot, that is uncomfortable and makes 'em feel a loss of control.

 

This is where nesting behavior comes in and controlling commentaries.

 

She does not believe you when you say that it would be better to wait on the home buying. You are completely dismissive of her reasoning. If you think it will be easier to do that when there is an infant in tow, then you really do not understand the meteor that is about to crash on your 2-bedroomed roof.

 

if it would be no skin off your nose to trade up the housing, then just do it--now.

 

Caveat: if you are not to stay with hr anymore, then don't do it.

 

Looking at it I can see why you think that. I guess I have been dismissive of her reasonings. It's our first born and I'm completely unaware of the expense it'll bring and because of that I am just ruling it out altogether. I might think that it'll be more expensive then it is but I just don't know.

 

I am trying to compromise though by offering to do up the current house whilst making the promise that we will look to move when the baby reaches 6 months. Do you think there's anything I can do to reassure her of that I am serious about saving for a house? I am dead serious, I'm putting away atleast £1k a month to help prepare for our deposit.

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Looking at it I can see why you think that. I guess I have been dismissive of her reasonings. It's our first born and I'm completely unaware of the expense it'll bring and because of that I am just ruling it out altogether. I might think that it'll be more expensive then it is but I just don't know.

 

I am trying to compromise though by offering to do up the current house whilst making the promise that we will look to move when the baby reaches 6 months. Do you think there's anything I can do to reassure her of that I am serious about saving for a house? I am dead serious, I'm putting away atleast £1k a month to help prepare for our deposit.

 

So give up this idea that a six-month-old baby is easie tpo deal with while home shopping than now.

 

You can use the equity in your current home a a down payment. Talk to a loan company about bridge loans. keep saving that money regardless.

 

If the issue for your GF is the lack of space, window dressings don't mean squat.

 

BTW, she may be thinking a little farther down the road than yo are. Where there is one baby there can soon be two... So if that is in the cards, a bigger home ONCE makes sense.

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If she weren't pregnant, it'd be your choice to bail or see if couples counseling improved things. Now that she is pregnant, you owe it to your child to get back to that happy place you two used to occupy. Speaking to you like she does will eat away at your love for her, and it already has, hence your lack of libido and feeling like a weight would be lifted off of you if she ended it with you. This needs to stop now. You two need professional guidance and homework to work on skills to improve communication and to come to a consensus on major decisions in a more mature and caring way.

 

Once the baby is born, I'd encourage her to join a Mommy and Me class/get togethers, so she can make her own friends, and a good way not be always isolated in the house with the baby. You might also bond with her by going to a pregnancy class where breathing techniques are taught to help with contractions, and how the spouse can help support her during the process.

 

You could also get some couples books on communicating and taking turns reading the book out loud together. Tell her you want the relationship to be the best possible, and this will help the both of you in maintaining a happy relationship.

 

I don't know if her house ideas are reasonable or unreasonable. The way you describe her, she sounds very negative about everything, like she's never satisfied, no matter what. How is she with everyone else in her life? I wouldn't make any rash decisions about moving until you see that this relationship is steady, especially since she says you have all the power with more earnings and her stake in the house is questionable. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck and I hope things can improve with counseling. Even though babies are a joy, they actually add a lot of stress to a union, so that union will crumble if it's only built with sea sand instead of solid concrete. You don't have much time to build that solid foundation, so look into counseling today.

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Looking at it I can see why you think that. I guess I have been dismissive of her reasonings. It's our first born ...

 

Oh man, do you love this lady, and want you babies with her... then you go all in. Just do it.

 

I did. It didn't work out in the end. We got divorced.

 

The oldest is about 20 ish, sitting on my sofa right now, watching Pulp Fiction. Drinking some beer and eating pizza.

 

It is outstanding in every way. Hell, if his mother was here we might all just eat some pizza, have a larf, and get on with life.

 

A man should have children, and be responsible for them. Get on with it.

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Is she from somewhere else? No, your friends and their gfs are not her support system. Her own family who she can contact herself are. Stop focusing on money and your house. Your relationship is conflicted, focus on that. Stop micromanaging her and treating her as a roommate. Get to a doctor for evaluation of your lassitude, low libido and excess worrying. Therapy would be a great idea particularly to adapt to living as an adult away from your mother and father.

She's never really made any close friends here either despite me introducing her to my mates and this girlfriends.

 

I'm not sure whether I should talk to her sister and father? They came down to the house on Saturday and I could tell she really enjoyed having them down.

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So give up this idea that a six-month-old baby is easie tpo deal with while home shopping than now.

 

You can use the equity in your current home a a down payment. Talk to a loan company about bridge loans. keep saving that money regardless.

 

If the issue for your GF is the lack of space, window dressings don't mean squat.

 

BTW, she may be thinking a little farther down the road than yo are. Where there is one baby there can soon be two... So if that is in the cards, a bigger home ONCE makes sense.

 

I agree and she does make the point that it is her who is going to be in the home alone with the baby the majority of the time so she wants it to be perfect and I understand that. What I've neglected to mention which is another problem for me is my mortgage is a fix rate of 3 years with a year left. To leave early would cost 2% of my mortgage amount basically meaning I'd be paying £1.7k to the mortgage company to get out of the agreement.

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Is she from somewhere else? No, your friends and their gfs are not her support system. Her own family who she can contact herself are. Stop focusing on money and your house. Your relationship is conflicted, focus on that. Stop micromanaging her and treating her as a roommate. Get to a doctor for evaluation of your lassitude, low libido and excess worrying. Therapy would be a great idea particularly to adapt to living as an adult away from your mother and father.

 

She's from a city 30 miles away. So what can I do to engage her family more and get her to speak to them? Talk to them myself? Please explain your micromanaging comment aswell. You keeping saying I'm treating her as a roommate without expanding on it.

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If she weren't pregnant, it'd be your choice to bail or see if couples counseling improved things. Now that she is pregnant, you owe it to your child to get back to that happy place you two used to occupy. Speaking to you like she does will eat away at your love for her, and it already has, hence your lack of libido and feeling like a weight would be lifted off of you if she ended it with you. This needs to stop now. You two need professional guidance and homework to work on skills to improve communication and to come to a consensus on major decisions in a more mature and caring way.

 

Once the baby is born, I'd encourage her to join a Mommy and Me class/get togethers, so she can make her own friends, and a good way not be always isolated in the house with the baby. You might also bond with her by going to a pregnancy class where breathing techniques are taught to help with contractions, and how the spouse can help support her during the process.

 

You could also get some couples books on communicating and taking turns reading the book out loud together. Tell her you want the relationship to be the best possible, and this will help the both of you in maintaining a happy relationship.

 

I don't know if her house ideas are reasonable or unreasonable. The way you describe her, she sounds very negative about everything, like she's never satisfied, no matter what. How is she with everyone else in her life? I wouldn't make any rash decisions about moving until you see that this relationship is steady, especially since she says you have all the power with more earnings and her stake in the house is questionable. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck and I hope things can improve with counseling. Even though babies are a joy, they actually add a lot of stress to a union, so that union will crumble if it's only built with sea sand instead of solid concrete. You don't have much time to build that solid foundation, so look into counseling today.

 

Thank you for this reply, there's some good advice here, I like the classes idea and I'll look into some in our area. Will also look at counselling tonight and suggest it.

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Only saying this from several friends who've been like this...all the complaining about things, living situation, this and that, really came down to not getting a ring put on it after moving in together.

 

So instead of realizing their crappy attitude delays getting engaged, then nag and nag as a way to deflect how they are really feeling. Essentially self sabotage, so they themselves don't get so heartbroken.

 

And moving with an infant - hahahahhahahha - yeah, nope. Think of your place, and double the amount the stuff, and that's your baby stuff. But it's doable. It's just so not easy. Best is when they are still cooking, but really, babies don't take up a lot of room, nor need their own room when they are itty bitty. Tell her to save some money for closing costs, and they you both get to pick a house together. But between the lines, her attitude (from what I've seen with friends) is wondering if you'll make an honest woman out of her.

 

But if you cannot picture being with her, then you just have to rip off the bandaid, and tell her how you feel.

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