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Need advice from men only please...


vmackey
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We love each other. He's very good to me and we get along great. We share similar values. However, he said he does not want marriage, and I do. After he said no to marriage, I started getting what I believe are signs from the universe and synchronicities, dreams, angel messages, visions that tell me we ARE going to be married. I haven't tried to force anything, and everytime I ask for confirmation, I get the sense that I should stay in this relationship. This has been confusing to say the least.

 

This is what I'm thinking of telling him. I need to know how you, as a man, might feel if the woman you love said something like this to you:

 

"I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

 

What do you think?

 

PS. We are older people with grown kids, so having children isn't an issue.

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If you are leaving it up to the Universe, why do you feel you need to tell him you are? Why don't you just stay with him until you or he want to end things or as you say "until something changes?"

 

I am a woman but I've looked at your opening post with a logical mind... not that of emotional response.

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Hope you don't mind but I'm a lady.

 

I think your message to your boyfriend is good but you can shorten it by making it brief. Your explanation is too wordy.

 

I'd say something like this instead: "Even though I want to get married, I won't break up with you if you don't wish to marry me. I love being with you regardless of being married to you or not." Then let time tick away and let the relationship unfold.

 

Don't predict the future regarding break up, moving on, who decides to break up, etc.

 

Keep your statement to him simple and brief.

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However, he said he does not want marriage, and I do. After he said no to marriage, I started getting what I believe are signs from the universe and synchronicities, dreams, angel messages, visions that tell me we ARE going to be married. I haven't tried to force anything, and everytime I ask for confirmation, I get the sense that I should stay in this relationship. This has been confusing to say the least.

 

It's confusing because you are rejecting reality. He, a tangible, interactive, human being, has told you he does not want to be married but you choose to ignore his request and seek an answer from the invisible, which ironically, appears to be repeating back to you exactly what your heart wants. The two answers conflict, so you become confused. Could it be that the universe's "signs/confirmations/etc" are really just a personal manifestation of your heart's desires and nothing more?

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I'm sorry, but you sound like you want marriage so badly that you're trying to find hidden messages. Don't get me wrong, I know there are things in this world that can't be explained, but there are times where I think the mind can play tricks because it wants something so much.

 

If you want to be fair to yourself and to your boyfriend, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that he does not want marriage. You can't force or manipulate.

And you need to stop fooling yourself.

You love this man, but he is not wanting marriage.

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"I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

 

What do you think?

 

Not sure my being a man matters, but what would I hear if a woman told me this verbatim? Translation would be roughly this:

 

"I want to get married. Soon, badly, and to you. I know you don't, I'm not okay with that at all. Has made me super edgy lately. But I'm going to pretend to be okay with it while subtly trying to manipulate you into marriage. So I'll be mentioning marriage here and there, from this point on, in little hiccups, with the the hopes of changing your mind. Hopefully it works. If not? Well, I'm a bit too skittish to contemplate that right now so I'll leave it at this, at least until it comes up again."

 

Just being honest. It's kind of like how whenever anyone says "no pressure," they mean the opposite. Don't mean to knock the messages you're receiving—truly—but if the universe has a plan for you, and you trust its plan, why not just trust it? Only reason to share something like this is because you don't trust it, but want him to validate it in some capacity.

 

When was the last time you guys had a chat about all this?

Edited by bluecastle
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Lmao “men only” and the women flock to give advice! Classsic, haha

 

OP If you actually mean what you are saying...that you are 100% in this relationship for the long haul, wedding or no wedding, then I don’t see a need to say anything at all?

 

Personally - even though I am very much with you on intuitive messages and signs - I would feel like your disclosure was a veiled attempt to get me to change my mind about marriage. I think a lot of men would perceive it as a subtle manipulation (even if it’s just meant to be shared for the sake of openness and communication and reassurance.) Of course, I don’t know you or your man or your dynamic so what the heck DO I know?

 

Just my two cents. Lots of love and best of luck!

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My GF wants to get married. I just say No.

 

Doesn’t matter what the Universe wants, I just don’t want to nor do I see why it’s so important. That’s just me though and maybe one day I’ll change my mind.

 

If my GF decides to leave me over that issue then she is well within her rights to do that and so be it*

 

A question I have is: If you love this man and are building a good life together, why is it so important to you?

 

Is it financial or religious reasons? Or do you believe that marriage means ‘together forever’..?

 

I do hope it’s not the latter...

 

As for your message, I’m not sure it will make much difference. It may just add extra pressure to the situation...

 

Anyway, some things to ponder. I wish you luck*

 

Carus*

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Not sure my being a man matters, but what would I hear if a woman told me this verbatim? Translation would be roughly this:

 

"I want to get married. Soon, badly, and to you. I know you don't, I'm not okay with that at all. Has made me super edgy lately. But I'm going to pretend to be okay with it while subtly trying to manipulate you into marriage. So I'll be mentioning marriage here and there, from this point on, in little hiccups, with the the hopes of changing your mind. Hopefully it works. If not? Well, I'm a bit too skittish to contemplate that right now so I'll leave it at this, at least until it comes up again."

 

Just being honest. It's kind of like how whenever anyone says "no pressure," they mean the opposite. Don't mean to knock the messages you're receiving—truly—but if the universe has a plan for you, and you trust its plan, why not just trust it? Only reason to share something like this is because you don't trust it, but want him to validate it in some capacity.

 

When was the last time you guys had a chat about all this?

 

THIS ^^^^^ Yeah I'm a woman and I think your proposed speech is way too long and rather manipulative.

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Your original speech is totally unnecessary if you're truly fine not getting married.

 

But, obviously you're not and he knows it, so he's going to see right through it. If you can't imagine living with him forever without being married, this isn't your man. It doesn't matter what sort of signs you're trying to see from the universe.

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As a man, if I heard that I would feel bad. For whatever reason I don't want to get married and now the happiness of someone I love hinges on it. I suppose I would take another look, and I might just leave. If I can't make you happy and I'm an obstacle, then I'd do a mercy break up. Let you find your happiness and get the hell out of the way. Then again, some people sack up and find the parson. Is that a marriage? You'd be happy but him, IDK.

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Unfortunately this message in itself is "begging, ultimatums and pressure", so why tell him this? What this basically states is that you will just keep going along as things have been for 5 years. If you feel you are starting to suffer from delusions and magical thinking an evaluation from a doctor may be in order.

he said he does not want marriage

"I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

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"I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."...

 

[What do you think]

 

.

 

As a man, it depends on whether I am having a nice relaxed relationship with you without stress, or whether you misquote me and try to pick fights for the sake of it, or whine about stuff you knew about me before we got together. For example, if you knew I was a self employed professional, and worked 6-7 days 12hrs each per week, and that's how I rolled, before we were an item, you could not be telling me to change and pushing for it, or I would not believe you when it came to your statements on the topic of marriage.

 

If things are going well, and we listen to each other's communications, and there is a general feeling of companionship that I don't want to lose, then maybe I'll accept your assurances. But in the back of mind I'll suspect we are borrowing time, and, eventually, this issue is going to come up again.

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"I want to get married. And I know that you don't I just want you to know, there'll be no crying, begging, ultimatums or pressure of any kind. I respect your right to remain single. Nor do I want to break up with you (unless you do). I love being with you, and I don't feel that I'm wasting my time just because you don't want to marry me. But I do want to get married so I've surrendered this desire to God/Universe. And until something changes--I change my mind, you change yours--or I get a clear message to move on, I want us to keep going."

.

 

All that message is saying is that you want to get married, you know that’s not going to happen and you are saying that you will stay regardless.

 

However, you are hoping with the last bit where you say if you changed your mind that it will make him fear losing you and marry you out of fear. Is that what you want???

 

Also you saying that you respect his right to remain “single” is a below the belt comment!!!

Unmarried doesn’t mean single.

 

He should just end the relationship because clearly you undervalue him.

 

If marriage is of utmost importance to you then go find someone willing to marry you for whatever reason.

 

Clearly you are getting in the way of the universe by attempting to change its natural course! That won’t work out well for you at all.

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This is one of those times you need to be really honest with yourself about your intentions.

I think you mean well, but deep inside your carefully crafted words it appears to be wanting to put the marriage conversation open and on the table.

Instead of standing behind what you want, at the same time you dont want to be the one creating the leverage. Instead if hes pressured, it's because you gave this to the universe to handle for you?

Are you really willing to stay with him indefinitely without ever being married? Because if so you dont need to remind him you've agreed to terms you are already in.

If marriage is what you want, then you have some thinking to do.

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OK, as a man, and I don't want to offend you for your believes; however, I think they are silly.

 

The idea of a relationship progressing to marriage is that it is proposed between two people of equal opinion. There is not grand intervener.

 

If the woman I lived with wrote any such message to me, I would be both irritated and feeling manipulated.

 

If, as you wrote, there are children from prior relationships (marriages?), so legitimizing children is not an issue, then what is left?

 

Is this about finances?

 

What were the circumstances to making your relationship as it is now?

 

If you want to be married because that is what makes you happy, and your man does not want to be married, then you just may be at an impasse. You cannot sulk your way into changing his mind.

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