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Asked a shy guy out - should I take this as rejection?


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I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).

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I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).

 

I agree completely -well put!

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Sounds to me like you might have confused him being friendly with something more. If he was able to initiate all the talking and getting to know you when you first met, then he is not all that shy. He had no problem chatting you up, he would have no problem asking you on a date either. It just doesn't sound like that was his agenda in talking to you.

 

Anyway, you asked, he realized that you are after more than he is into and politely turned you down. Leave it at that and treat him as a friend going forward. Nothing more nothing less. The whole thing was really very neutral, so no need to feel awkward about it. Now you know, so you can get over the crush and move on. Much better than waiting and wondering what if for months.

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Okay, so now he's a coward and spinless because he didn't take you once only offer and isn't humping your leg.

Beyond the male shaming tactics because he is not jumping through the hoops you want him to, what is the harm in talking to him again? You don't have to ask him out, just see if there is some interest there that can be worked with. If you are interested, then what's the harm.

 

But, if you just have to have the classic man who will do anything in his power just to get to know you, just because you are you, then this likely isn't him. He's shy, and he is allowed to be without being denegrated.

 

He doesn't have to be a classic man but having to be asked twice sure sounds like what you would call a classic woman in your paradigm 😛. Unless I missed something, no one suggested that she should stop talking to him, nor that she should walk up to him and shame him. She shouldn't have to be the one to jump through hoops either though. Imo, in all probability this guy is not a spineless coward at all. He is either just not that into her or he will ask her out at his own pace at some point now that she has expressed interest in going out with him. I am all for meeting people in the middle. Role reversals though to the point of having HER keep asking like the "classic man" you so colorfully painted, not so much.

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I wouldn't ask him again. A guy who's interested in you will jump at the chance to do something with you and if he is really busy that day, he'll suggest something else to do on some other day. Noone is that shy (and I've had my share of shy guys).

 

That's been my personal experience too.

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Here's the thing... You're friends, right? Ok so make this much more low-key, noncommittal like coffee and not like some who's-on-first dating games. This way you can get a sense of things.

 

Why create all the angst when two friends can have coffee and if it stays friends, no harm no foul. If it leads to a more dating-like situation, great.

 

If everyone and their ego retreats to their respective gender's corner...well the human race dies out. So in closing, save humanity and casually suggest getting coffee.

The ball is surely in his court now to ask me to something if he does like me.
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I don't think he's interested. Unless the guy has crippling shyness, you asking him out would be enough for him to say yes or give you another day. He sees you as a friend and that's why he's embarrassed. Don't ask him out again :l.

 

Doing it again would look alittle desperate. He knows you have interest, if he has interest he will do something about it. Hell you have already showed a lot of interest by asking him out. Most women don't even do that.

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A person who always compliments you and suggested an event a month ago sounds like he would be capable of asking you out, especially after you asked him. In my life experiences, there are guys who like the ego boost that you have a crush on him, and sneaks looks at you to see if you're looking at him again, which you are, and sometimes keep laying those breadcrumbs like compliments, but they're just not that into you as girlfriend material.

 

You didn't make a mistake putting in effort. Taking risks is better than waiting around passively for life to just happen to you. I do think it would be a mistake, however, to make effort once again like some others are suggesting. For one thing, it's not getting a gauge on his interest if you keep making the effort, because he just might accept next time to avoid awkwardness at that moment. And there you will be preparing for a date and having expectations that won't play out like you thought.

 

My advice would be to just start thinking about him as another friend, because you can lose a crush on someone, given time and effort. If he happens to surprise you by asking for a date within the next few weeks, great. If he doesn't, it just means the chemistry isn't there, which is biological, and nothing anyone can control.

 

I know I was upset in the past when certain guys weren't into me, but now I know that fate had someone else special in store for me, and he was definitely worth the wait. Sometimes things don't work out for good reason, and you will one day know why. Take care.

 

The compliments are always said quietly and a bit awkwardly imo. Example, we were all put together in a group one day and talking about bands. He whispers 'I really liked the top you were wearing yesterday, btw. They are one of my favourite bands too.' Weirdly he didn't actually compliment me when I was wearing it!

 

Another time I was ranting about something and it was only when the rest of the group were distracted that he said 'I always appreciate your rants'. It's hard to describe online, but the way he speaks to me always seems more thoughtful and attentive than a friend.

 

In every other situation where I have been this sure a guy liked me, we either dated or ended up in a serious LTR. I'm usually good at reading people so I dunno.

 

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. I am going to see what happens now/if he initiates something. I will try my best to carry on as normal!

 

Also I invited him to get a coffee with me one day previously and he did! But we had only had 45 mins that day.

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So..you asked him out twice now and he has not asked you once.

 

There's got to be chase on both sides, otherwise he's not interested. I agree with what other posters have mentioned. 1.) Most women don't have to ask men out, especially not this many times and 2.) Even shy men would ask you out if he really liked you.

 

Go ahead and ask..again. But the interest is not there on his end. It's all going in one direction.

 

Good luck either way.

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Also I invited him to get a coffee with me one day previously and he did! But we had only had 45 mins that day.

 

So, you've asked him out twice already. He accepted the first time, you spent 45 mins together and he declined the second time and he's never asked you himself. Just friendly is what he sounds like but, anyway, since you seem determined to ask him again, go ahead and, please, keep us posted. I'd love to hear how this will play out.

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What I meant to add was, I will also ask him to get coffee again regardless. And see how it plays out, in either direction.

 

Good for you. Do it.

 

As you say he is a shy guy. maybe he just needs some encouragement. Perhaps a bit of a push.

 

They are one of my favourite bands too.' Weirdly he didn't actually compliment me when I was wearing it!

 

it was only when the rest of the group were distracted that he said 'I always appreciate your rants'

 

He sounds like a beautiful human being with a quiet, low foot print on this earth.

 

Don't wait for him to initiate. Life is too short for the "he has to make the first move" games being advocated here.

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Good for you. Do it.

 

As you say he is a shy guy. maybe he just needs some encouragement. Perhaps a bit of a push.

 

 

 

He sounds like a beautiful human being with a quiet, low foot print on this earth.

 

Don't wait for him to initiate. Life is too short for the "he has to make the first move" games being advocated here.

 

Not a game. It's not a game to have personal boundaries that you're not going to keep asking someone for a date, or a platonic friend to get together, at a certain point. That's just being true to your values and your worth.

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Not a game. It's not a game to have personal boundaries that you're not going to keep asking someone for a date, or a platonic friend to get together, at a certain point. That's just being true to your values and your worth.

 

We're talking twice, and maybe the lady taking the lead a little.

 

Come on Bats, not much risk and the reward could be magnificent.

 

She needs to pop it out there. If its a no go, she moves on. Nothing much lost.

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Ok great. So try for this low-key approach and get a better sense of things. Try to build up some rapport not pounce on him with a specific date-night event. Also no need to stop having coffee,being friends etc. If you can build on things, great, if not so? You stay friends and pursue someone else as far as dating goes.

I invited him to get a coffee with me one day previously and he did
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Ok great. So try for this low-key approach and get a better sense of things. Try to build up some rapport not pounce on him with a specific date-night event. Also no need to stop having coffee,being friends etc. If you can build on things, great, if not so? You stay friends and pursue someone else as far as dating goes.

 

Yes please, do this. Do not go with the knee jerk wave-him-off reaction that posters have been quite wrongly telling you.

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Life is too short for the "he has to make the first move" games being advocated here.

 

I don't remember seeing any post suggesting that the guy has to make the first move. Most posters have said that he should have at least made the second move (or third, now that we know that she's already asked twice).

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Whether it's friendship, or dating, or relationships, it should never be this hard and one sided where one person is doing all the asking and chasing. All types of relationships require reciprocity. If you aren't getting reciprocity, you are setting yourself up for a bad situation where you do all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking. This has nothing to do with genders either. Simple common sense.

 

On that note, OP should take a step back and give the guy a chance to reciprocate and step up. If he doesn't, then let him go on his merry way. She has not only made her interest clear, but stepped up and asked him to go out more than once. Unless she really likes a lopsided dynamic, which is fine too. If that works for her, then carry on. No further advice needed in that case.

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Whether it's friendship, or dating, or relationships, it should never be this hard and one sided where one person is doing all the asking and chasing. All types of relationships require reciprocity. If you aren't getting reciprocity, you are setting yourself up for a bad situation where you do all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking. This has nothing to do with genders either. Simple common sense.

 

100% agree.

 

She's asked twice now, he's not making any kind of move. It can't be all one sided, or shouldn't be. Even shy men will ask for dates if they want to.

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Whether it's friendship, or dating, or relationships, it should never be this hard ....

On that note, OP should take a step back and give the guy a chance .

 

OP, I agree with DF, which means there is no way you should just junk this guy, give him a chance.

 

I think posters who come in here and tell you to reject him "because the girl shouldn't ask three times woo woo", with no consideration of the objective facts on what you report, are just trying to impose their own emotional expierences and anger on you. Not to mention their learned views of what we all be looking like, playing happy familys.

 

Please be your own person.

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We're talking twice, and maybe the lady taking the lead a little.

 

Come on Bats, not much risk and the reward could be magnificent.

 

She needs to pop it out there. If its a no go, she moves on. Nothing much lost.

 

Twice -ball is in his court whether romantic or platonic. The reward to me would not be magnificent -she'd be chasing him and no one should have to chase - and it would show him that she doesn't value herself and her time very much.

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I have an update. I saw him today and he asked how the event went. He then said he was annoyed that he wasn't able to come with me and felt like he'd missed out because it sounded great!

 

I then told him the events are on every month (this is in relation to our shared hobby, btw) and he said 'In that case, let me know if you want to go again next time?'. So I said great, I would like to. I then told him I've signed up to all the events every month (give or take a few) and he said 'I think I'll probably do the same then.'

 

Totally agree that friendships and relationships should be reciprocal btw. That's why I won't try again if he doesn't come next time.

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I have an update. I saw him today and he asked how the event went. He then said he was annoyed that he wasn't able to come with me and felt like he'd missed out because it sounded great!

 

I then told him the events are on every month (this is in relation to our shared hobby, btw) and he said 'In that case, let me know if you want to go again next time?'. So I said great, I would like to. I then told him I've signed up to all the events every month (give or take a few) and he said 'I think I'll probably do the same then.'

 

Totally agree that friendships and relationships should be reciprocal btw. That's why I won't try again if he doesn't come next time.

 

It sounds like he is interested in attending the same event you are but in a tentative way. Let him take the lead in signing up and showing up, I agree. In an analogous situation I am trying to meet new people/make new friends and there is a huge range of people - those who never follow up, those who tentatively follow up and the unfortunately more unusual category of people who follow up reliably and 100% -unless there is a true emergency (yes I am one of those people and yes I very much appreciate people who act like me - so much less stressful and makes me and my time feel valued).

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