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Asked a shy guy out - should I take this as rejection?


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I've known a shy guy for a few months now, through a hobby and our mutual friends. At first I just thought was a nice guy, but then he showed such attentiveness & desire to get to know me, always doing me favours etc and he started to melt my heart. In fact the first time we met we talked for about 4 hours straight!

 

Aside from this if we are all out in a big group I often catch him looking at me although he looks away when caught. And he compliments me quite a bit.

 

So I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day. Ok fine. When I saw him today, he went bright red & could barely speak properly. He was still chatty as usual, but I definitely felt there was an elephant in the room and I wonder if made a mistake now. Bizarrely he didnt even mention the fact I had asked him out.

 

What do you think?

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Imo, the ball is in his court. If he is that much of a coward that he can't ask you out after you asked him out, then imo he isn't worth it. It is one thing to be shy but to be spineless is quite another.

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Just tell him that you like him and want to get to know him better.

 

Shy people are afraid to make the first and second move.

 

If that doesn't work. Move on.

 

They are afraid and most often unless the shyness is a sign of a real disorder they overcome the fear and do it because like many fears the goal is worth it. (It was for my husband apparently!). He doesn't sound that shy. I think he's embarrassed that he may have lead you on. And now he knows for sure you are interested so the ball definitely is in his court. I asked out a number of men when I was dating and when I was dating it wasn't an effective way to find a long term relationship otherwise I would have done it more often. I would assume he is not "that" into you and move on - he likes flirting with you and he might find you attractive and he is not interested in going on a date with you for whatever reason -I wouldn't take it personally.

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Imo, the ball is in his court. If he is that much of a coward that he can't ask you out after you asked him out, then imo he isn't worth it. It is one thing to be shy but to be spineless is quite another.

 

I agree with you Clio. There is no reason for him not to ask me out if he likes me, as I have clearly demonstrated I would like to spend more time with him. It is not as though I will reject him - which is a bit how I'm feeling at the moment, silly as that might sound.

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I agree with you Clio. There is no reason for him not to ask me out if he likes me, as I have clearly demonstrated I would like to spend more time with him. It is not as though I will reject him - which is a bit how I'm feeling at the moment, silly as that might sound.

 

Oh I hope you don't feel rejected! He didn't reject you as a person! Just doesn't want to date you for whatever reason!

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You didn't make a mistake. Why don't you start out slower? First of all, take time and wait a few days or a week or so. Then ask if he'd like to take walk, meet for coffee or tea, lunch and get to know him better. Start out as friends for a while and take it from there. Both of you should feel the vibe regarding no rush nor hurry. Take the pace slowly and gradually. Make both of you feel comfortable and at ease.

 

He sounds very bashful and shy. It takes some people time to crawl out of their skin before they're socially comfortable. Build lots of trust first and foremost.

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He was actually the one that suggested going to an event together previously. He said this event was coming up if I'd like to go but then it was cancelled and that was that! Shortly before xmas.

 

I am disappointed. I was pretty sure he'd say yes as I was confident the feelings were mutual. I'll see him tomorrow so just need to put my smiling face on I guess!

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You didn't make a mistake. Why don't you start out slower? First of all, take time and wait a few days or a week or so. Then ask if he'd like to take walk, meet for coffee or tea, lunch and get to know him better. Start out as friends for a while and take it from there. Both of you should feel the vibe regarding no rush nor hurry. Take the pace slowly and gradually. Make both of you feel comfortable and at ease.

 

He sounds very bashful and shy. It takes some people time to crawl out of their skin before they're socially comfortable. Build lots of trust first and foremost.

 

Thanks, Cherylyn. I think your advice is good. When he first joined the hobby/group I'm in he was so shy and awkward with lots of people. He has come out of his shell a lot and I felt bad today for feeling like I put him back in it!

 

Thanks for saying I didn't make a mistake. I needed to hear that.

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He was actually the one that suggested going to an event together previously. He said this event was coming up if I'd like to go but then it was cancelled and that was that! Shortly before xmas.

 

I am disappointed. I was pretty sure he'd say yes as I was confident the feelings were mutual. I'll see him tomorrow so just need to put my smiling face on I guess!

 

I know it's a tough situation and I can see why you thought you'd get an enthusiastic yes. It's strange that he suggested the event and didn't suggest an alternative.

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Thanks, Cherylyn. I think your advice is good. When he first joined the hobby/group I'm in he was so shy and awkward with lots of people. He has come out of his shell a lot and I felt bad today for feeling like I put him back in it!

 

Thanks for saying I didn't make a mistake. I needed to hear that.

 

Yeah, I meant it'll take time for him to crawl out of his shell, not skin, LOL.

 

Some people are introverts and not socially ready until there's lots of trust which takes time to build. It takes time to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships and relationships. Patience is key.

 

Don't feel bad. Your intentions were sincere. No rush nor hurry. Take it slow and take your time.

 

Also, don't feel disappointed if it's not the scenario you were hoping for. It's not your fault. Everyone is different.

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Isn't it a bad sign that he didn't suggest another activity if he couldn't make the event I invited him to? The ball is surely in his court now to ask me to something if he does like me.

 

If he's that shy why would you expect him to ask you out? He's probably afraid to.

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A person who always compliments you and suggested an event a month ago sounds like he would be capable of asking you out, especially after you asked him. In my life experiences, there are guys who like the ego boost that you have a crush on him, and sneaks looks at you to see if you're looking at him again, which you are, and sometimes keep laying those breadcrumbs like compliments, but they're just not that into you as girlfriend material.

 

You didn't make a mistake putting in effort. Taking risks is better than waiting around passively for life to just happen to you. I do think it would be a mistake, however, to make effort once again like some others are suggesting. For one thing, it's not getting a gauge on his interest if you keep making the effort, because he just might accept next time to avoid awkwardness at that moment. And there you will be preparing for a date and having expectations that won't play out like you thought.

 

My advice would be to just start thinking about him as another friend, because you can lose a crush on someone, given time and effort. If he happens to surprise you by asking for a date within the next few weeks, great. If he doesn't, it just means the chemistry isn't there, which is biological, and nothing anyone can control.

 

I know I was upset in the past when certain guys weren't into me, but now I know that fate had someone else special in store for me, and he was definitely worth the wait. Sometimes things don't work out for good reason, and you will one day know why. Take care.

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Imo, the ball is in his court. If he is that much of a coward that he can't ask you out after you asked him out, then imo he isn't worth it. It is one thing to be shy but to be spineless is quite another.

 

Okay, so now he's a coward and spinless because he didn't take you once only offer and isn't humping your leg.

Beyond the male shaming tactics because he is not jumping through the hoops you want him to, what is the harm in talking to him again? You don't have to ask him out, just see if there is some interest there that can be worked with. If you are interested, then what's the harm.

 

But, if you just have to have the classic man who will do anything in his power just to get to know you, just because you are you, then this likely isn't him. He's shy, and he is allowed to be without being denegrated.

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My take on this, he thought of you as a nice friend...friend being the key word. You changed it up and now he's super awkward around you and doesn't want to be put on the spot again.

 

I think you've mentioned two key things in your post that lead me to my belief. 1.) He gave you a reason as to why he can't go on a date, but he didn't follow it up with saying "maybe another time" or something like that. and 2.) He seems awkward around you and not in a good way. He sounds like the deer caught in headlights and doesn't want to be pressured any further about this.

 

Best to leave it be. You've asked, you got your answer, he's not asking...that's the end of it.

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Why be this specific or elaborate? If you want to find out if he wants to date you, make it a simple coffee/drink this weekend. Keep things low key so you can get a sense of the situation.

I've known a shy guy for a few months now, through a hobby and our mutual friends.

I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day.

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I've known a shy guy for a few months now, through a hobby and our mutual friends. At first I just thought was a nice guy, but then he showed such attentiveness & desire to get to know me, always doing me favours etc and he started to melt my heart. In fact the first time we met we talked for about 4 hours straight!

 

Aside from this if we are all out in a big group I often catch him looking at me although he looks away when caught. And he compliments me quite a bit.

 

So I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day. Ok fine. When I saw him today, he went bright red & could barely speak properly. He was still chatty as usual, but I definitely felt there was an elephant in the room and I wonder if made a mistake now. Bizarrely he didnt even mention the fact I had asked him out.

 

What do you think?

 

Ask him out again.

 

Don't limit him to one day. Sit with him and work out the date.

 

He isn't very good at this, so do the work.

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Imo, the ball is in his court. If he is that much of a coward that he can't ask you out after you asked him out, then imo he isn't worth it. It is one thing to be shy but to be spineless is quite another.

 

Bit harsh.

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So I decided to ask him out to an event this week- he replied saying he would have really liked to, but that he already had plans on that day. Ok fine. When I saw him today, he went bright red & could barely speak properly. He was still chatty as usual, but I definitely felt there was an elephant in the room and I wonder if made a mistake now. Bizarrely he didnt even mention the fact I had asked him out.

 

 

To start with , you didn’t ask him out on a date. You asked him to go to an event.

 

He replied he would have loved to go (to the event) but had other plans.

Therefore not rejecting you personally. And after all , it was never stated from you that you woukd like to date him , just accompany him to an event which I’m guessing is related to this hobby you share?

 

If you want to date someone and make it clear that’s your intention , you don’t suggest going to something or somewhere that you know they have interest in , you ask them to go for a coffee or drink that is unrelated.

 

He was still “chatty as usual”

That strongly suggests to me that he is not shy at all.

 

Then you say that “bizarrely” he didn’t mention the fact that you had asked him out????

Why is that bizarre to you?? And why on earth would he mention it esp as you didn’t actually ask him out on a date??

 

You didn’t make a mistake per se.

But you are mistaking his response.

 

If you want to ask him out on a date then do that.

 

Ask him simply to go for a drink or coffee. If he says no or deflects somewhat , then yes he is rejecting your advances.

But that’s nothing personal.

If you aren’t willing to do that , then forget about it completely.

 

Good luck, let us know what happens!

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To start with , you didn’t ask him out on a date. You asked him to go to an event.

 

He replied he would have loved to go (to the event) but had other plans.

Therefore not rejecting you personally. And after all , it was never stated from you that you woukd like to date him , just accompany him to an event which I’m guessing is related to this hobby you share?

 

If you want to date someone and make it clear that’s your intention , you don’t suggest going to something or somewhere that you know they have interest in , you ask them to go for a coffee or drink that is unrelated.

 

He was still “chatty as usual”

That strongly suggests to me that he is not shy at all.

 

Then you say that “bizarrely” he didn’t mention the fact that you had asked him out????

Why is that bizarre to you?? And why on earth would he mention it esp as you didn’t actually ask him out on a date??

 

You didn’t make a mistake per se.

But you are mistaking his response.

 

If you want to ask him out on a date then do that.

 

Ask him simply to go for a drink or coffee. If he says no or deflects somewhat , then yes he is rejecting your advances.

But that’s nothing personal.

If you aren’t willing to do that , then forget about it completely.

 

Good luck, let us know what happens!

 

I don't agree with how to ask someone out. I think it's completely fine -and preferable -to suggest an event you have a common interest in - while at the event one on one you can extend to a drink after or coffee. It takes the stress out of it and there are many ways to show interest without asking someone for a one on one date where there's that blatant come thither gloss over it. Some people feel more comfortable getting to know each other at an event with shared interest.

 

Examples. I had a platonic friend years ago - I actually wasn't attracted to him -I didn't think I was! - my then boyfriend and I had broken up.

 

A holiday was coming up where there was a related event I knew this guy was interested in - interested but he'd never gone because he'd never had someone to go with. So I said to him I was going and would he want to go with me, he might like it. So he said "you know I am just not up for it -but do you like sushi? can we meet for dinner?" Honestly I had no idea it was meant as a date. Even though he asked for dinner, even though a million things. We had dinner. I still didn't know but all of a sudden I felt attracted to him.

 

A week later he asked me to see a movie with him and used the word "date". Then I knew. But thing is -I liked his company, I asked him to go to the event both so I would have someone to go with plus because I wanted to encourage him to get involved, and it didn't matter a bit that when he asked for sushi I didn't know it was meant as a date (we'd never gone anywhere one on one till then -in fact I'd only met him in person with our mutual friend-his brother!). All of that stuff comes out while at the event or at dinner or whatever.

 

Same with my future husband. When we reconnected we met for dinner. It was absolutely not a date. When he asked me 6 days later to go to the theater I actually thought he meant with a group (no, one on one). By then I was attracted. It didn't matter to me at all that I didn't think he meant it as a date. I wanted to be around him, get to know him again. I didn't know he was interested in getting back together until two weeks later when he was back in town and asked me to dinner and told me he wanted to get back together. I suspected but didn't know. But it did not stop me at all from saying yes to his asking to get together. I just wanted to be around him. Same when we worked together in the 1990s and he asked me to lunch -had no clue of his intentions but I went and found out later. (oh and he was painfully shy back then-took him months to ask me to lunch).

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