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Even worse treatment... post break-up? Advice please


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Hi all,


I used this website around September last year seeking advice on whether breaking up with my ex was objectively a good idea for me and now i wanted to hit you all with a further conundrum.

(See my previous post if you want more of an insight).


Anyway - i ended up breaking things off with him shortly after this. But i still go to university with him and we study the same degree, live down the same road etc so i thought it would be best to take the high road and to try to remain somewhat civil.


He messaged me quite frequently, about random stuff, to which i would either ignore or be blunt to and i had some inappropriate texts from him/requests in person about having a causal relationship (no?) to which i obviously declined. Over time, I kind of almost started to enjoy being friends though, it was nice and we hung out without all the relationship upset. Fast forward to around mid-november when he tells me that he "can't be too close with me because he doesn't want to upset me if he starts to move on" and that he can "easily detach himself from emotional situations" (?). So i'm like okay, yeah sure and went home for Christmas.


Over Christmas he messages me quite frequently, especially on Christmas day thanking me and my family for lovely past christmasses and that he will miss it dearly. Then he sent me a couple of memes in the days between Xmas and NY.


Fast forward to New Years Eve and i find out through a friend that he is seeing someone and took her to a party a lot of my friends/our friends were at/hosted.


I just wanted some advice because although i dont want to be with him, knowing he is with someone else like a month after he was asking to sleep with me/only a few months after we broke up is really hurting me inside and i dont want to hurt anymore. Plus some of our friends are mutual and i saw a photo of him and new 'girl' laughing and looking really happy and its playing on my mind lol.


I feel as though if i wasn't at uni with him it would be so much easier but its now like i have to have constant reminder of this AND he treated me so badly in the relationship, during the breakup and after? Can i catch a break? How comes he gets to be so happy and moving on while i'm recovering from all of this.


Please do offer some advice - muchos appreciation.

Edited by troubledsurf
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Sorry to hear this. "Civil" is being polite and that's it. "The high road" is having boundaries and the dignity to walk away cleanly, not dragging out the breakup through nonsense texting. Stop texting. By allowing this you are inviting and encouraging bad treatment and nonsense.


You should have moved on by now treating him like any other student and enjoying your friends, classes, groups, clubs, sports and dating other guys. You should have no time for this. Block and delete him.

i thought it would be best to take the high road and to try to remain somewhat civil.


He messaged me quite frequently and i had some inappropriate texts from him/requests in person about having a causal relationship.

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Feel sorry for the girl. You know she's not getting any prize here.


He's going to eventually treat her the way he did you and make her feel like a burden and like a nothing and be just as careless as he was with you.


Try to remember how he made you feel. How he spoke so badly to you and talked down to you. YOU DON"T NEED THAT KIND OF MAN IN YOUR LIFE.

He's not worth it. Not worth your tears, not worth your upset and definitely not worth your love.


You need to focus on who he really is and why you broke up with him. You know he made you feel awful.

Try to remind yourself of that and to concentrate on what the future holds. A better man, one who will treat you right.


Be glad you got rid of this jerk.

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He was a jerk to you and you can rest assured that he didn't just get a personality transplant with her. So yeah, kind of feel sorry for the new chic, but hey, she is free to learn who he is for herself.


As for you, stop lying to yourself that you need to stay in touch with him. Unless your uni only has 10 people in it, time for you to spread your wings and leave garbage in the dump. Just because you live nearby doesn't mean you have to speak with him, let alone put up with his texting. The very reason you aren't further along in healing and moving on is because you haven't allowed it yourself. You keep talking to him hoping that somehow he'll be a better person, regret the break up, acknowledge his wrongs, feel bad about how he treated you. You might as well be wishing that a lion turn into a lamb. It's not going to happen. Jerks are just jerks.


Stop with the chatting and texting. Civil means a polite head nod should you pass each other by. Noting more. If you share too many common friends, get new friends. You are at uni after all. Time to branch out more. Even if you find yourself at the same parties as him, there is no reason to talk to him or play buddies or anything really. Focus on your friends, focus on meeting/talking to new people, other guys. You literally do not even owe him a hello unless he approaches you and even then, you can nod hello and turn your back on him and dismiss him. Learn some boundaries. What you call the "high road" is not what you are doing, you are just being masochistic instead. Stop it.

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You broke up with him....


What did you expect? Him to join a convent until you were ready to let him fly?


And he’s the jerk?!?!


Am I missing something here? Maybe I need to read the other post cause I don’t get how he’s in the wrong for dating when he’s single while the ex who broke up with him wanted to keep him around to hover as an ego boost.


ETA - so I read your other post. I’m guessing based on your actions post break up and the title of this post you broke up as a bargaining chip, as a Hail Mary, as manipulation and not to actually break up because you were done. Never, never, never, break up to get a reaction from someone, you break up because you are done and no longer want to be with that person and as pretty much everyone else is saying when it’s over, it’s over, just because you have classes together doesn’t mean you HAVE to stay in contact, do you stay in contact with the random kid who sits behind you? Of course not, that’s silly.


You’re in game playing territory at this point which is only going to break your heart and stunt your healing. Like the others advised, block, delete, avoid at school, heal. You made the choice to break up, respect him and yourself by sticking by it, stop trying to keep your feet in the shallow end of the pool, you chose to stop swimming so you have to get out of the pool. It hurts but it’s all part of the process

Edited by figureitout23
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You have learned the painful way that you can't be friends with him. I have a feeling you were okay with the "friendship" because you knew he still wanted you and that felt good, even if you didn't want to date him again. I doubt you had malicious intentions, but your ego was boosted knowing you had the upper-hand, so to speak.


Now that he actually is moving on, the reality of the break-up is hitting you anew. It's time to block him. He was hoping to get back in your good books but when he realized it wasn't going to happen, he opened the door for other options.


He did you both a favour, even if it doesn't seem that way now. Maintaining a friendship with him wasn't realistic or in your best interests.

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Perfect example to why we don't `stay friends or remain civil' as you put it. One or both remain attached and still has some unsaid expectations.

When the other has weaned themselves away and moves on to another relationship, the other is left behind confused and disappointed.


If you are TRULY friends, true friends support each others growth and happiness.

But as you have now learned, his happiness is now making you miserable.


So you weren't really his friend. You had some (unfair) expectations of him and remained attached.

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