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Please Help!!

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DancingFool Grand Master

DancingFool

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First talk to a good lawyer and be sure that your husband doesn't know about it. Get your ducks in a row, get proper advice on how to go about things. Be sure that you emphasize heavily to the attorney that your husband is abusive and likely to be vindictive and manipulative. Talk to the counselor you have an appointment with and get advice as well on how to protect yourself and your children while leaving.

 

You are afraid to throw out those chimes because you KNOW his response will be vindictive escalation. He already bought them to take revenge on you for whatever his distorted mind thinks is a slight against him. NOTHING he perceives is normal and you know this already intuitively even if you aren't quit there mentally yet. You've lived so long with this abuse that you've actually normalized it to yourself even though deep down you know there is nothing normal about it. You are here because you know but haven't fully accepted, digested it yet. It's a process and a difficult one because mental/emotional abuse is so much more insidious and subtle. Easier to see in 20/20 hindsight once you are away from it, but very difficult to grasp when you are neck deep in it. There are good days, there are bad, you keep hoping the good days will last but they never do. Years pass, rinse and repeat over and over. You keep hoping that he will change, but he won't.

 

Be careful about friends and family as you have no idea who will support you or who might go telling him what you are up to. In these situations, it's best to follow professional advice first and keep quiet about your plans. You are also liable to get a whole lot misguided advice to keep at it, it can't be that bad, etc, etc, etc. People who have never experienced abuse first hand rarely understand what it is and what you are dealing with. Particularly when it comes to emotional/psychological abuse. They don't see it, they don't get it, they can't really understand it and quite often end up blaming the victim for it. The ignorance on this subject is really overwhelming and I'm not saying that they are bad people or mean ill, just have no clue. As a society we are taught only to run once things escalate to physical violence. We aren't taught at all about emotional, mental, financial and all other forms of abuse and the damage that does. A complete blindspot although it is getting better becoming more acknowledged than before.

 

Please do more research yourself on emotional abuse. Holly gave you great links to start with. Keep reading up more. The more you do, the more it will open your eyes to what you are dealing with and help you feel at peace with leaving. In other words, it will help you accept that leaving an abuser is the right decision.

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

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Don't you understand, he enjoys treating you this way. Stop making excuses and do what's right for your kids.

 

Do you have a place to go if he gets out of hand?

 

It's just not quite that easy. After years of being worn down and disillusioned, you don't wake up one day and turn everything around on a dime.

 

For the time it took him to beat her down to this point, it will take at some or maybe the same amount of time to regain your balance, your confidence and your voice.

 

I went through something similar. I started with therapy and almost a year later sought legal advise. It took me two years from the start to finally throw my emotionally abusive husband of 18 years out.

 

And just a word of warning, once you start acting on your own behalf and standing up for yourself, his behavior will escalate. What he does works for him. Change the terms and he'll get worse.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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I agree with ^^^ that. Except I'd like to say rather then "it will get worse" to "It May" get worse. You don't have to "stick up for yourself" Op... you do have to change how you react to him though.

 

Yes, yes and yes again... therapy and a good lawyer.

 

I see know reason for the good intentioned folk here to continue to scare the bejezus out of you. You've been there for 15 + years and you can certainly take your time to get yourself stronger emotionally and mentally before you do anything. Just work on picking up after yourself so he doesn't get bent out of shape and tell him calmly that you're not there to be verbally abused and then leave with the kids if he doesn't stop.

 

Do tell other family or a trusted friend your plans. Find a safe place to go when/if he does escalate his behaviour .

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Skeptic76 Rising Star

Skeptic76

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I agree with ^^^ that. Except I'd like to say rather then "it will get worse" to "It May" get worse. You don't have to "stick up for yourself" Op... you do have to change how you react to him though.

 

Yes, yes and yes again... therapy and a good lawyer.

 

I see know reason for the good intentioned folk here to continue to scare the bejezus out of you. You've been there for 15 + years and you can certainly take your time to get yourself stronger emotionally and mentally before you do anything. Just work on picking up after yourself so he doesn't get bent out of shape and tell him calmly that you're not there to be verbally abused and then leave with the kids if he doesn't stop.

 

Do tell other family or a trusted friend your plans. Find a safe place to go when/if he does escalate his behaviour .

 

This is #troof right here

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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It's just not quite that easy. After years of being worn down and disillusioned, you don't wake up one day and turn everything around on a dime.

 

For the time it took him to beat her down to this point, it will take at some or maybe the same amount of time to regain your balance, your confidence and your voice.

 

I went through something similar. I started with therapy and almost a year later sought legal advise. It took me two years from the start to finally throw my emotionally abusive husband of 18 years out.

 

And just a word of warning, once you start acting on your own behalf and standing up for yourself, his behavior will escalate. What he does works for him. Change the terms and he'll get worse.

 

I understand that, but action needs to be taken to remove her and the kids from this environment. She seems to open to making those changes, as I am thinking she has Known this is off for some time. Seeing the therapist and lawyer are the first steps. I believe she also needs a support system.

 

OP, we are here for you.

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RayRay63 Mentor

RayRay63

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Thank you everyone so much. You have really helped my clarity. :)

 

Please don't feel bludgeoned into destroying your marriage by any strident posts on this thread.

 

Take into account not only your partners' behavior - but also your own.

 

Ask yourself this question: "Are those posters unknowingly projecting their own relationship disappointments on to me?"

 

Do not do something now that you will come to regret.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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Please don't feel bludgeoned into destroying your marriage by any strident posts on this thread.

 

Take into account not only your partners' behavior - but also your own.

 

Ask yourself this question: "Are those posters unknowingly projecting their own relationship disappointments on to me?"

 

Do not do something now that you will come to regret.

 

Have you read this thread? This guy is emotionally abusive and always has been. She also recognizes it .

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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By working on herself and how she stops enabling, she will be putting her children first. She is in no way emotionally ready nor is she confident enough to stay gone. She will also be too afraid to give him custody visits if she's not there to feel in control so her leaving right now is in no one's best interest. She is not in physical danger... he would have hit her by now if he was that type. As she works on herself with the help of a therapist proficient in codependency (because op IS codependent) and has the knowledge of her rights and obligations she will be in a better place within with tools to help her not to enable and she will be ready to leave and stay gone.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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By working on herself and how she stops enabling, she will be putting her children first. She is in no way emotionally ready nor is she confident enough to stay gone. She will also be too afraid to give him custody visits if she's not there to feel in control so her leaving right now is in no one's best interest. She is not in physical danger... he would have hit her by now if he was that type. As she works on herself with the help of a therapist proficient in codependency (because op IS codependent) and has the knowledge of her rights and obligations she will be in a better place within with tools to help her not to enable and she will be ready to leave and stay gone.

 

Good advice. But, she does need to start making changes to get to that point.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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I can't go there. I just can't comment, sorry.

 

By the way. I think engaging with other posters is great, and good fun. I think you are a great poster and would love to disagree with you and debate it.

 

But I am not allowed to do that.

 

I enjoy reading all of your responses. You can give an honest opinion, as this is what the site is for. As long as it is not considered disrespectful, you are good.

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