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Unsure and in need of advice


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I have been married for a little over 2 years. I am just not happy anymore and this marriage is not what I thought it would be. It has never felt like a aprtnership. I feel as though I have contributed to most of the relationship and taken care of basically everything around the house. I pay the bills, meal prep and plan, grocery shop, fix things when they break, etc. Aside from that, there have been many other things happening....I want advice on if I am being too sensitive or if my feelings are justified. I don't have a great baseline on how a marriage is supposed to look....my parents divorced when I was 10 and it was due to my father's alcoholism.

Speaking of my father's alcoholism, my husband is in a band and wrote a song about my dad called "Go Away Now". I still have a relationship with my father and this song hurt me deeply. I expressed that to my husband yet he continued to play the song at gigs because it "was one of their most popular songs". I even brought this up in marriage counseling (we have been going since June). I finally had enough at a gig in October, ended up flipping him off and leaving, which I know wasn't the most mature thing to do....my feelings got the best of me. I haven't been to a gig since and he has told me he resents me for that.

When I am sick he tells me I should just quit my job because the kids make me sick and he claims I am always sick (I'm not....also, I am an elementary school teacher). He flips out when something breaks in the house and claims we should just sell the house because something always goes wrong. I get knots in my stomach when something goes wrong in the house and I have to tell him because I know he is going to yell and react with extreme negativity.

He also is hardly home, going to a friend's house once per week for dinner, having band practice, gigs, etc. I used to be so upset and lonely when he wasn't home and always felt like he was putting everything else ahead of our relationship. It has gotten to the point where I feel relief when he isn't here. I have gotten used to being able to go to bed when I want, watch what I want on TV, or lay in bed and read without anyone complaining that I am reading (he has said to me before "Who would rather read than watch TV"). He also goes to bed between 1 and 2 in the morning every night and I am woken up when he does that. He sleeps in until 11 on the weekend, which makes it impossible to do anything until later in the day. A few weeks ago I had a busy weekend of a craft fair for my small business and a 5k I was training for. He told me to pick one for him to go to as he didn't want to get up early both days. This hurt my feelings as I had worked really hard for both events and didn't feel supported by him. He would also complain when I had to do work for my Master's Degree. I never felt as though he was proud of my accomplishment, he would only say I was smarter than him in a condescending tone.

My mom and my sister can't stand him and he tells me I should have other people to hang out with because I "hang out with them too much".

We got into a huge fight in November because I went to a concert with one of my friends (thinking he would be happy I was hanging out with someone besides my mom or sister) on the same night his band was playing a gig...he was mad because I chose to go to "some ty band" instead of his show. My freidn had an extra ticket to another show a few weeks later and I went again. This time I ended up drinking a bit too much and was very hungover the next day. My husband was very angry and told me he didn't feel bad for me and that now who was going to pick up the food and who was going to fix the clogged sink? I started to cry, he got mad and threw his shoes down the stairs. My dog started to bark and he started yelling at the dog for barking. That was the last straw for me and I ended up flipping out saying I couldn't take being treated like nothing any longer, took the dogs and went for a long drive until I knew he had left the house to go to yet another band thing. Since then I have been so close to leaving but still so torn.....I want to be sure I am making the right choice. I don't want to have to lose my house and everything I have worked so hard for, yet I am tired of feeling sad and lonely.

 

Sorry for the long post. I guess I am just looking for validation that I am not crazy and that this must not be normal.....right?

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If the only reason you haven't left is because you don't want to lose your house or "all the things you worked so hard for" then go to the bank and see if you can buy him out when you split up. You do everything anyway so it would be no different if he were there or gone.

 

Even if you can't buy him out, you have nothing in common with him (which prompts me to ask how long you dated before you married and if you knew how he was while dating, why did you marry him?) so go see a lawyer, find out your rights and obligations, and go from there. Maybe if you have some concrete ideas and advice you will start to think more logically rather then on pure emotion.

 

I'm sorry you're so unhappy.

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I would be long gone if I was you, I cant figure out why you are still there. He does not appear to respect or even actually like you. I'd gather my stuff and my dogs and move out. I dont think you are crazy but a sucker for punishment if you keep on doing this. There's nothing to think your life is going to get any better if you stick it out.

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I'd like to add to my post above and ask you what advice is your marriage therapist giving you about all of this. Does he/she see any hope? Have you been given any at home exercises to help you reconnect on an emotional level... the two of you have lost your emotional connection by all accounts.

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To be honest, the marriage counsellor is. Ot helping. He has never really given us any concrete advice, just reiterates the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse and puts all the questions back on us. I have stated numerous times how I would like to be treated, how I want more empathy and more time but it never seemed to translate outside of the appointments.

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I honestly dont know, either. Whenever I try to talk to him about a divorce he says he never has done anything THAT bad and says I am not trying hard enough. I start to second guess myself. Not a great excuse, I know. I just feel lost and I dont know what to do next.

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Also, we broke up twice before we married (we were together for 5 years total before getting married). I had a pit in my stomach when we were planning the wedding. I think I somehow thought things would be different if we got married. I also had this stupid timeline in my head that I had to be married before I turned 30. Trust me. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and tell myself not to do it, that things would only get more difficult.

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To be honest, the marriage counsellor is. Ot helping. He has never really given us any concrete advice, just reiterates the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse and puts all the questions back on us. I have stated numerous times how I would like to be treated, how I want more empathy and more time but it never seemed to translate outside of the appointments.

 

I think you should find a therapist that you both can relate to, who is going to actually help you. If you're going to go, then you need to be with a professional that is actually helping the two of you. You don't seem to have any chemistry with this particular therapist at all so don't be afraid to tell him that.

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If you're in the US and are in a no fault state you can divorce him if he likes it or not.

 

However, I feel that marriages are serious commitments (not a timeline item like a grocery list) and if you can, a marriage should be saved. I also believe that no one should have to have a life sentence in a marriage that is bad.

 

Please don't make the same mistake thinking having a baby will make things "different". It would, but not in a good way.

 

Are you seeing a therapist individually? If not, I think it would be a good idea.

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Yes, I see a therapist on my own. She suggested I speak with a lawyer to see what my rights would be to help me decide. In the Spring of 2019 I brought up trying for a baby and he said he wasnt ready to give up his freedom. I am glad we didnt try because bringing a child into this mess is the last thing on my mind at this point.

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Marriage may be a serious commitment but if your husband won’t work on improving it with you, it’s already dead. Has he given you any indication he is all in?

 

Actually, not any indication, let’s not spackle and overfunction for someone who has already checked out, that’s really unhealthy. Has he consistently demonstrated he wants to work on it with you?

 

Personally I think the deal was broken by the song. That’s incredibly selfish of him to keep performing it when he knows it hurts you. Incredibly! That is not a loving action. My band has a song about how much no one supports the drummers wedding to his (now ex) girlfriend which was played for a long time in good humour while they were still together. But officially it wasn’t about his marriage and if he’d asked us to stop playing it we would have stopped.

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Yes, I see a therapist on my own. She suggested I speak with a lawyer to see what my rights would be to help me decide. In the Spring of 2019 I brought up trying for a baby and he said he wasnt ready to give up his freedom. I am glad we didnt try because bringing a child into this mess is the last thing on my mind at this point.

 

I agree with your therapist. Contact an attorney. Never quit your elementary school teaching job and don't have a baby with him! Your financial independence is your strongest power. Never let that go. Your husband sounds like a loser. You need to dump him.

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Oh wow - he wrote a song dissing your dad. Ouch.

 

What does he consider "THAT bad"?

 

Cheating, physical abuse, etc.

 

- I guess you falling out of love and divorce is no big deal to him? He may be in for a big surprise if you finally get sick of it all and you file for divorce.

 

 

You do all the work and he is a man-child. You have what we call a high maintenance person. Plus, he takes you for granted and disrespects you. These types are not a catch. Only marry a respectful, responsible, hard worker.

 

I don't know if he could be fixed. I'd suggest counseling but you've done that with no results. I'd get a second opinion - another counselor.

 

Another option is to pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile or cut off sex. Perhaps then he'll realize that you are important and have needs.

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Sorry to hear this. Is he a heavy drinker or drug user? Does he have a day job? He is dragging you down mentally physically and emotionally. It's not too late to cut your losses and find a decent man rather than this broody nasty peter pan.

 

Marriage therapy sounds like you are going to a good therapist, but something this broken is best dissolved.You will never change or fix him. It will get worse. Do Not Have Kids With This Man-child Talk to a therapist on your own. Talk to trusted friends and family. Be honest and ask for help.

I think I somehow thought things would be different if we got married. I also had this stupid timeline in my head that I had to be married before I turned 30.
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Why did you break up twice before you married him?

 

It appears that those pre-existing problems followed you both into the marriage, and it's plainly not working. You're not happy, he's not happy.

 

I would follow your own therapist's advice and talk to a lawyer. This doesn't sound like a marriage worth saving, in my opinion.

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I do understand what your therapist is doing...he or she is trying to get you both communicating with each other. Since this doesn't work for you atm is very telling of your situation. You both need to "unload" before you can talk to each other. So yes seeing a therapist individually first to dump on to make you feel better and clear your head would be a good start.

 

Smackie9's tip: not all therapists are the same. If you were expecting a Dr. Phil then go find one. You do not have to commit to one that is referred to you.

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So you've discussed divorce with him and he accuses you of not trying hard enough. Does he think he's trying really hard? What does he want from you in terms of trying harder? You explained here, pretty clearly, what you expect from a partner, and why you're not satisfied. So I'm assuming you've said all of this to him, or at least in marriage counseling together.

 

No matter how hard either of you tries, or thinks you're trying, this marriage may still not ever work out in a way that both of you can be happy. If it comes down to a life where, in order to meet each other's expectations of a spouse, you both have to compromise so much that neither of you is happy, then I think you should divorce, not as a punishment to him for doing something "that" bad, but because you're not compatible together.

 

My take is that he seems to criticize and complain about anything you do that isn't specifically FOR him. Working on your masters? That doesn't do anything for him, so he complains. Hanging out with your sister? He's heard about that before and it's not interesting to him so cut it out. You get sick? Just quit your job, because that's an easy solution as far as he's concerned, then he won't have to hear about it. He only cares about what you do so far as it affects him. Selfish.

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Cheating, physical abuse, etc.

 

Well, it's not his interpretation that matters here.

 

It's your experience. It's an experience that is miserable for you and you don't need to defend that to anyone.

 

You get to decide if this is working for you or not and from where I sit it clearly doesn't seem like it.

 

He doesn't have to agree to it. For that matter, if you two agreed on things you probably wouldn't be here posting.

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