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I left my husband almost 2 years ago. We were quite different but the trigger was me having a transplant in hospital over Christmas and he didn’t come visit. Not because he didn’t care but because he was working on the practicalities of moving house and looking after our son etc. However, at the time I needed him there and it summarised just how different we were- me being emotional and him being practical. So I left.

 

I met my current partner 18 months ago and we are expecting our first baby at the end of May.

 

But I can’t stop thinking about my husband. I’m overwhelmed with guilt. He is such a good man and an amazing father to our son. I know so many people would kill for a partner like him. I hate myself for hurting him and I can’t forgive myself for not working on the relationship.

 

I love my current partner and we are a lot more compatible but every single day I hate myself for ruining my marriage.

 

I don’t know how to move on and try forgive myself for my mistakes. Any advice would be appreciated!

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I don't think there's anything to forgive. He might be practical, but if your partner is in hospital having a major operation, you find a way to visit. You know that. I'm sure this was just an example of many other slightly heartless behaviours he exhibited.

 

You seem to be idolising this chap in retrospect. That's not good because you have a new life now and you need to focus on that.

 

Another way of looking at it is that you did the best thing for him. He has a lot of good qualities and he will make someone else a great partner. Maybe he needed to learn something from the break up? But stop punishing yourself for doing the right thing.

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I think you did the right thing too. I'd have been beyond p1ssed if my husband didnt come see me in the hospital after surgery. Who does that?

 

If you cant get over this on your own, please get some therapy. There's no good reason to be feeling like this now that you have a new man in your life and a baby on the way.

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Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist to sort through some of the guilt, ruminating, depressed feelings, etc. that is holding you back. It's unfair to yourself, your unborn and partner to be stuck in the past and not have that evaluated and worked out.

I met my current partner 18 months ago and we are expecting our first baby at the end of May. But I can’t stop thinking about my husband.

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Hun I think you're being hormonal from your pregnancy and it's messing with your emotions. Try exercising more, eat a little healthier, and get more sleep. A lot of these bad feelings will diminish for the most part. Not to mention you should be talking it through with your new partner. This is the man you are starting a new family with, and he needs to be there for you. Talk to him about it. BUT if things get worse for you, and you fall into a depression after the baby is born, please get help immediately.

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His behaviour was inexcusable, he could have found a way to see you. I think you made the right decision. He may be a good dad, but he was not a good partner.

 

You need to move on from this!

Edited by Hollyj
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You forgive yourself by not ruminating over what you cannot control. You start thinking positively with any changes you can make from this day forward and have gratitude.

 

I too have a lot of regrets and remorse in my life. No one can do anything about it especially when there's guilt, if there's something you didn't respect about a person, how they mistreated you or if you were unfair to the other person without handling situations peacefully.

 

People often times use their emotions during their impulsive reactions as opposed to exercising self-discipline and self-control. Then instead of allowing the moment to pass and handling situations peacefully and logically, they call it quits just like that. All you can do from now on is learn to think before you speak, write and act so your previous marriage was not all in vain. Your key takeaway here was a harsh lesson learned which you'll never forget. You'll know what to do and what not to do in your current relationship with your partner.

 

You forgive yourself by not being so hard on yourself. You're only human and everyone makes mistakes. Live and learn.

 

Past mistakes make people wiser and you'll learn to never make the same mistake twice. This is how you heal and move on. Start fresh and be grateful for everything.

 

You forgive yourself when you stop living in the past.

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the trigger was me having a transplant in hospital over Christmas and he didn’t come visit. Not because he didn’t care but because he was working on the practicalities of moving house and looking after our son etc.

 

That is quite odd behavior. Very odd.

 

Did you and he have any conversations about visiting before your admission? How long were you in hospital? Why wouldn't he bring your son to see his mommy on Xmas day, at least, where were they?

 

Is he an Asperger's sufferer? Has he misunderstood something?

 

I just don't follow this.

 

Anyway, it seems you were incompatible, so don't beat yourself up. There is some fading affect bias afflicting your thinking.

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I would have been upset too. I think the advice up above that said you might be idolizing him is right on. Sometimes you romanticize the past and it looks a lot different when looking at it in the rear view mirror. Even when it was horrible, you think "it wasn't that bad". There must have been more of a reason for you to end things. I'm sorry you are feeling so guilty! Talking to someone would definitely help.

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I may not have been married to them, but I've ended relationships with really good men for different reasons.

You get to measure what's important to you. Him being by your side during your health issues is totally valid. You didnt make that decision easily so don't second guess yourself now

You gave each other the gift of finding better suited a partners.

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Find it odd that people are judging the OP's husband to harshly. Now is not visiting your wife outside the norm but I don't think its inexcusable. How do you know this man has a fear of hospitals? Maybe he had a bad experience in one or he saw family members suffer in one. Maybe he didn't want to subject the child to a hospital, Whatever the reason, he had his own personal reasons to not go. Now did he talk to her daily or multiple times a day or just completely abandoned her? Mind you he kept busy and moved to a new house (from what I understand) and had to take care of a young child. I will give that it is odd, but I don't think it is unjustifiable.

Now for the OP, Im sorry you are going thru this. Giving you some tough love here but you made your decision (right or wrong) and you will have to accept it. In your head you are brining yourself back to the fork in the road and you have to stop. You chose your road and now you have to live by that choice. I know that its hard to move forward if you are constantly looking back but you will have to resolve this. Might be in your own way or might have to seek out professional help. But I know taking yourself back to this fork is not healthy for you.

Accept that you made the choice and as you see it, it was the right one. You are happy in your relationship, you are going to add to your family and life will move on. Your Xs life will move on, he will find someone else if he hasn't already. In the end, you have to be comfortable with your decision.

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I was in hospital for 6 weeks over December and January. He visited twice at the start of December and on one of those visits he brought my son. On Xmas day, he went to his parents with my son. I thought he would come surprise me but I ended up seeing my mum for an hour and then alone for the day, it was heartbreaking. He’s not got aspergers and his only explanation was he was trying to sort the practicalities of the house move out.

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Thank you for answering my question Upon seeing your update, all I can say is: Please don't feel guilty for your decision to leave. I don't think there is any excuse for not bringing himself and is son to see you on Christmas day for an hour or two. His lack of empathy on how you would feel being alone on Christmas is enough to tell you he was indifferent to you.

 

Be happy in your new relationship and put your guilt to bed for good.

 

One more question: Did you ask him to come and he refused or did you just hope he would come and he didn't. It wouldn't change my opinion, I'm just curious as to how far his indifference actually went.

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